Dear Luke, We Need to Talk, Darth
Page 19
Ms. Lee
Dear Mayor Slick,
We shut down another overpass today. It was near collapse. I have to tell you I’m getting a lot of angry phone calls, people freaking out about our crumbling municipal infrastructure. All I can do is ask them, “Don’t you remember? We built this city … we built this city on rock ’n’ roll?” Hey, I know those were wild times back when we did that, and I agree that it seemed like a really good idea at the time. But rock ’n’ roll, really any musical genre, is no foundation for a major metropolitan area. It was a terrible decision and the consequences are becoming increasingly dire.
Are you familiar with the civil engineering term “hoopla,” Madame Mayor? It’s a slang term meaning raw sewage. Parts of the city are now knee-deep in hoopla. This is because instead of installing standard pipes and valves and the kind of equipment other cities use, we installed electric guitars and amplifiers. It doesn’t even make sense. Those things can’t carry sewage. The fact that we were pretty high when we made these decisions is an explanation, but it is certainly not an excuse.
The real question is how are we going to address this problem and find solutions? As I’ve said before, there are major corporations who could step in and rebuild our city. But when I suggested that, you laughed it off saying that there were too many corporation games and that corporations are always changing their names. Mayor Slick, as long as they can do something about the hoopla spilling over our guitar string-based sewer network and flooding the streets, I think they can call themselves whatever they want.
Even outside of the hoopla, the city is a mess. The zoning board is dominated by prog rockers, which is a nightmare because there needs to be a “concept” even to build a dang office park. Councilman Alan Parsons is always demanding funding for his various projects. The electric grid is now firmly under control of Councilman Van Halen’s cabal and a total disaster because all he wants to do is “crank things up.” The fire department is run by Gothabilly musicians, which I don’t even know what that is.
Look, I think we can get by for a little while and make some improvements. Just, I beg you, don’t let anyone know what we’ve done here. Let’s keep a lid on it. I’m told that you’ve actually formed a band with members of the city council, and I urge you not to address this issue in song because from what I can tell, you’re pretty terrible.
Thanks,
Dave Marconi
P.S. Someone has ordered all the airplanes at the airport to be replaced by starships. And I can’t even … you know what? I quit.
REJECTED
PROPOSALS
SUPER BOWLS XLVI TO XLVIII
SUPER BOWL XLVI—FEBRUARY 5, 2012
• With the third “Dark Knight” movie about to arrive, DC Comics submitted a proposal for a “Battle of the Batmen” halftime show that would feature not just current Batman Christian Bale, but former Batman portrayers Adam West, Michael Keaton, Val Kilmer, and George Clooney. While it might have been fun having the actors, all in their respective Batman costumes, compete in verbal or physical skills competitions, the plan as proposed was something far more grim: just fighting. That was it. West, Bale, and all in between punching and kicking each other, trying to win an actual fight. DC Comics added a parenthetical that perhaps butterfly knives, nunchuks, and billy clubs could be placed randomly around the field.
• Madonna was hired. The Committee jotted down idea of “Battle of the Madonna Personae” for possible future use.
SUPER BOWL XLVII—FEBRUARY 2, 2013
(No proposals received, Mayan apocalypse expected)
• Beyoncé!
SUPER BOWL XLVIII—FEBRUARY 2, 2014
• Proposal received to play off the fact that the game takes place on Groundhog Day. In a tribute to the central plot device of the movie Groundhog Day, all living players of the previous forty-seven Super Bowls would be forced to replay their games over and over, with forty-seven games taking place on the field simultaneously. Players who played in multiple Super Bowls would have to play those games at the same time. The play would continue until such time as each player learned to care more about others than himself, much as the Bill Murray character did in the film. Proposal was rejected because all football players are already completely selfless and loving individuals.
• Though it wasn’t technically a proposal in the traditional sense, the Grambling State Marching Band showed up outside league headquarters and played Peter Gabriel’s “In Your Eyes” to league executives to try to recapture the magic they once had together.
• Singer Bruno Mars was selected. The Committee voted to try to trick Mr. Mars into wearing a Grambling State Marching Band uniform.
Acknowledgments
Thank you to Jill Moe and to all my family for their support and patience. Thanks as well to Peter Clowney, Larissa Anderson, Bill Radke, Dave Eggers, John Hodgman, John Warner, Mauro DiPreta, Jennifer Gates, Matt Inman, Patton Oswalt, Paul F. Tompkins, Caissie St. Onge, Gabriel Roth, Brian Cronin, Mike Rylander, Martin Bell, Nina’s Coffee Cafe in St. Paul, John Munson, Janey Winterbauer, Steve Roehm, Joe Savage, Richard Medek, Bill Corbett, Kevin Murphy, Rick Moe, Jason Isbell, and Dave the dog, all for reasons.
About the Author
JOHN MOE is the host of Minnesota Public Radio’s nationally syndicated show Wits. He is also the author of “Pop Song Correspondences,” a column on McSweeneys.net. He lives in St. Paul, Minnesota.