I already was too shocked and shaken to protest and when that state had lessened I didn’t dare even propose getting some real clothes, because I was at his mercy in every way possible.
Somehow I sensed that he just waited for me to be a bad girl so that he could punish me again. Even though it was a strange feeling of power, knowing that I could have a special effect on someone just by getting my rear slapped, I didn’t want that to happen again.
However, I quickly closed the bathrobe, still holding my shirt, which I had slept in, before White led me out of my room. Peter was standing there, but was told by his superior to stay and not accompany us.
I tilted my head forward and covered my face with the falling hair, trying to hide the fact that I was technically half-naked beneath that bathrobe and my burning ears.
We walked and White didn’t let go of me, still holding his arms around my shoulders. I was so confused and terrified about what he was planning to do, because he was so unpredictable. My mind did back flips pondering what I was walking into now, what he wanted to do with me, but I tried to calm down, telling myself what I was here for and how Jay wouldn’t handle it well if I... smelled differently.
Odd thoughts in real life. Crazy even. But my life is crazy and being odd seems to be the only way to keep myself somewhat sane.
We walked the way I would by now find blindfolded on my own, but somehow I knew that White wouldn’t bring me to the cage – he never had before – and in fact: he didn’t. We walked past it, further than I had ever gone in this complex and my heart was beating even more heavily than it had before.
Our way brought us around the cage and I realized that the whole construction of this building complex seemed to be a dice or something with straight walls on the outside with the rooms forming smaller dice on the inside.
At least it appears to me like this, because of the regularity. Maybe I’m wrong, but if this is true, it will help me escape.
Suddenly we stopped at the other end of the dice that seemed to be Jay’s cage. There was another heavy metal door with a small barred window in it, allowing no privacy. White positioned me in front of it and I knew he wanted me to look inside.
This in fact looked like a prisoner’s cell, or like a soldier’s room? Something in between maybe. A mattress on the ground, or at least what was left of it. It looked like a wild animal had tried to tear this place down. There was a half-destroyed locker, the mirror was shattered, but held in place, maybe because it was security glass?
Confused, I turned and looked at White, who seemed somewhat pleased about my reaction.
“This happened because of you”, he stated. “Not only because he had to punish you”, he added, because he obviously saw protest twitch in my face, “but because you said his name.”
These words and what they meant made me swallow and I felt guilt heavily in my stomach. Suddenly the door was opened and he shoved me inside.
“You mean that much to him”, I heard White behind me. “So much that you, only by saying his name, made him do this. Enjoy your work.”
The door behind me was shut. Instantly I turned around, but his face wasn’t in the window.
I don’t know if White was aware of what he had done. I’m sure he wanted to punish me in a different way of reminding Jay of having a name of being a human.
What a coincidence truly.
Or maybe they just were too lazy to think of a more creative way to name their subjects. Still, this also destroyed my theory about there being at least ten of them, it could be less. It could be way more. However, they probably hadn’t picked their subjects just for staying true to the alphabet. And possibly, I was just wrong, and Jay wasn’t really his name and Ten only thought it was because of me?
Probably White just wanted me to spread my scent in Jay’s room, which I did just by standing there. I don’t know how long I didn’t move, just looking at this place, realizing how much better my own situation was in comparison.
This cell was just as small as my first one and just as dark, though there was a second door. I figured it lead outside – regarding my theory concerning this facility.
And yes, the room has a vent, high above the ground. I guess if I get inside the air circulation system I might have to climb a little. Yes, I’m thinking about visiting him ‘outside the visiting hours’ don’t blame me. I just want to see his face, like his real face, his human face.
Jay even had managed to damage his metal basin and I can imagine now how strong he really is if he is able to do something like that. I stared into the shattered mirror for a moment. How cruel, I thought, to put a mirror there, so that he would see that face he was wearing now due to whatever they had done to him. Then again, wouldn’t it be crueler to not have one?
Right then and there, as I was staring at my distorted reflection in that mirror, my hands remembered that I was still pressing my t-shirt to my body below that bathrobe.
I still had my shirt in my hand and that damaged basin is hollow. Since he had punched a hole in my brain connected two seemingly desultory dots together: quickly I checked if there still was no one watching me, if I could spot any cameras in this strangely high room, and then I stuffed my shirt right in there.
I mean, if Jay should be reminded of me, he should have something better than just my scent in the air that would volatilize far too quickly.
I don’t know if it was the right decision. I didn’t even decide to do it, I just did. And when I was finished, I found something on the ground. He had broken off one of his claws. Without thinking I took it and dropped it into my pocket.
Maybe White saw that I had taken the claw, because as I straightened up he was standing there, looking at me. If he did, he didn’t say anything about it.
He doesn’t know that it is not just a souvenir. I tested it. I can move the screws on my vent with it. It’s that robust.
Now I wait and see if I get to see him today. Somehow I doubt it. Even though it’s a straight day, yet, in a way, I have seen him, and he is being punished for destroying his room.
I was right. Peter brought me to the gym after Lunch and that was it. Now I just have finished Dinner.
I’ll try to open the vent tonight.
Day 59
The lights had gone out and I waited for time to go by until I could go to the bathroom and try what I had planned to do. I didn’t fall asleep and I went to the bathroom, but I couldn’t bring myself to try. Instead, I just looked at that claw.
If I hadn’t known it any better I would have doubted that this was once attached to Jay’s hand. It’s big, and yet there are no stains of blood on it, so actually it hasn’t broken off directly from his finger, which means they are huge, like a lion’s or a cougar’s. I held it to my index finger and, it rather would fit on my thumb. It gave me a strange sick feeling in my stomach. And now I have something in my possession that proves that everything that has happened to me is real.
It’s not a dream, not a hallucination, not something drug induced. It is real. And this claw matches the scars on my stomach. This is real.
I had no idea where to put it. Somehow I couldn’t bring myself to place it beneath my pillow, and putting it where I hid my scotch tape – in my hygiene box – seemed even stranger. No, now it’s in my second pair of shoes. Remind me not to step on it. I cannot carry it around the whole day or hold it in my hand. One would notice, but I need a better place to hide it, anywhere it doesn’t give me the creeps looking at it.
It’s a claw, a fingernail for God’s sake. Usually I’d find it gross to not put it in the waste bin, but then again: my life isn’t usual anymore.
Peter asked if he could sit down with me for Lunch after I haven’t spoken to him on the way to the gym and back. He escorted me alone again today, but I didn’t know what to say to him. Not after what had happened. One could think White had planned this, which would mean that Peter was involved, so how could I trust him?
Yes, I kissed him, but he kissed me first. I
t’s not like I am in a normal situation right? And we barely know each other. I mean I liked him. I still do, because there is still the possibility that White has played him as well. It even appears to be more believable than Peter being... an ass.
Why do I try to explain myself? Or why am I clinging to the thought that Peter is innocent, had nothing to do with this. Do I hate the idea of being so blind, or of being utterly alone on the good side... well there’s Jay. And he’s good right? If he’s innocent... I cannot say that for sure, I know even less about him than I know about Peter. And still trusting him is plain crazy. Hoping to see Jay again is just as insane, because obviously I’m just there to... for him to... be socialized in the most primitive way. I can’t start complaining now, right?
However, I agreed. Let’s see what happens.
Peter said he was sorry. He’d better be. I told him what happened and he was shocked. Either Peter is a hell of an actor or he really didn’t know, or maybe he didn’t expect how far White would go. And he repeatedly apologized and promised that he wouldn’t approach me.
Unless I would first. As if. As if I would want to risk White treating me like his personal little schoolgirl once more; even though that taught me more about this Dr. Frankenstein than I wanted.
There is something off about the way Peter speaks when we talk about White. It’s not like he avoids saying that man’s real name, still he’s... careful and hesitant, and obviously he doesn’t really talk about him, or talk bad about him. So are there also microphones in my room? Or is this something else? Peter knows more than he lets on to and of course it makes me doubt if I should trust him at all. Then again: he’s the only nice person I get to see, because Doc, well... I kind of don’t want to meet her again, understandably.
Somehow I managed to loosen two screws, just a little. I didn’t want to raise any suspicions by staying in the bathroom for too long. I shouldn’t even write this down. Well: try to find my claw, you won’t. No, it’s not where I put it before, just stashed it away somewhere else, just in case you are really reading this while I am away.
However, I barely moved them and I need to loosen all eight. It will take me days. And if I notice that they are sitting tight again, I really have proof that you are reading my personal, private diary. Curse you.
Day 60
Of course, who visited me when I thought they would finally take me to Jay? Yes, White. I think he likes that I am jumpy around him, and quiet, and watch every move of his. I really don’t want him to come here more often, even if he chooses to tell me about my session schedule.
No, today I don’t have one. Yes, I am disappointed. Even though I haven’t seen Jay for four days, that they’ve skipped one straight day already, I really hoped because it’s day 60 that I would get to see him.
“You see we cannot reward him for his behavior”, White told me explicatory.
“As in: destroying his cell?” I replied even though I had decided to keep my mouth shut, I bit on the inside of my cheek, to keep myself quiet.
However, he didn’t seem to mind a conversation with me – why else would he have been here anyway? White nodded as an answer, not adding anything, which made me anxious, and break my vow not to speak again.
“But it wasn’t his fault”, I argued and wanted to slap myself the moment the following words went across my lips. “It was mine.”
His look gave me the creeps – again. I should name him Spider instead of White.
“Still, it was him who destroyed our property and not you”, he eventually said.
“But...” I could kick myself now, and almost drove my heel into my feet, for talking again plus contradicting him.
White just cocked one brow in amusement and one corner of his mouth lifted up slightly: “Go ahead.”
“I’m here for his reward, I get it”, giving up to stay quiet and I avoided looking at him. "You are trying to train him. I... I could help."
I definitely took him by surprise with that, hell I took myself by surprise. But it made sense. This was what I was here for, and yet all they did was rewarding him, probably for something couldn’t even anticipate. Obviously, instead of making him more approachable all they had managed to do was give him hope. Those who hope eventually rebel.
“How could you possibly do that?” now he was mocking me, I could hear it in his tone.
Itsy-bitsy Spider was still thinking I was some stupid mediocre college girl.
“You want to control him”, I assumed, gesturing like some high-class salesman on daytime shopping-TV. “And yet you treat him like a wild animal.”
“Because he is”, White responded, but I saw that I got his attention and interest.
“He isn’t”, I argued again and stopped being careful without noticing, forgot what I was to this man and where I was. “He has a name, he has feelings, he doesn’t need just sex, and he needs more than that. If you give him more than that...”
I couldn’t continue because White stepped towards me, made me retreat until my back was against my wall and I knew right then and there that my room is not a sanctuary.
Not to White.
This room is not my room.
It is his and it will never be safe for me. He reminded me perfectly, invading my personal space, towering over me. He didn’t touch me. Thank God.
“You forget your place”, he told me lowly with a smug grin, obviously he liked my little rebellion, and even more how terrified I must have looked up at him.
I didn’t dare answer, although I asked silently if he wanted to punish me again. The answer was obvious, but I hadn’t given him enough, and HELL I wouldn’t. I know he wants that, but I don’t need to give him any reason.
“Maybe I’ll get back to your offer”, he said as he backed off.
“I won’t fail you”, I said, just at the moment that door opened after he swiped his wristband against the scanner.
He only stopped briefly to let me know that he had heard me and then – thank God – he left.
On the one hand, I know it was a good thing that he listened to me; on the other hand, he probably starts to realize that he shouldn’t underestimate me. I have to make him believe that I might be smart, but I don’t intend to rebel... that I’m the nice, good girl that knows how to behave.
Tonight more screwing my vent open.
Day 61
I won’t give up. I won’t.
I broke my claw, Jay’s claw. It’s useless now, but at least I managed to loosen some of the screws; just enough to use the metal rod of my electric toothbrush to continue working on them. However, I have to be careful not to use too much force or I might break it and they will know...
I don’t know what I was thinking yesterday. I really offered White to help. To help! Him! I mean I think I know Jay but I actually don’t. Just like I didn’t know Peter and look what happened?
Then again: Jay’s destroyed cell.
Would White go that far and stage it? Why? Why the effort? What for? Messing with my head? It’s not that he needs to; I’m perfectly capable of doing that myself.
I need something to occupy myself with and I can’t hang around in my bathroom all the time. They will notice.
Music is boring me and the books as well. And workout... training is good to get rid of all the energy building up being imprisoned.
Yes, I’m in better shape than I was in before I got here. If I could go there more often... but then again the gym is not just for me, right?
Ironically, I want to be left alone. I don’t want to talk to Peter and definitely not to White. Gray probably would be the person I would want to spend time with now, because he doesn’t say much. Doc... yes, I would like to talk to her. At least there would be that hint of a smile that actually feels somewhat real and honest. And Jay... I don’t know. I really don’t know. Do I believe what I have said? Isn’t that wishful thinking? I mean White told him to torture me and he did? Does he try to be a good boy just like I try to be a good girl?
I need to get into that vent and take a look. I really want to see him outside our sessions, because maybe I really can see him and not the beast White delivers me.
Lunch: the steak tasted different. I guess it was lamb. I liked it. The cook is quite good. I wonder if I could get in the kitchen or maybe work there? I need to do something else. Two months...
Two months... really? I wonder if anyone misses me. Semester isn’t over yet, but... do they actually fake mail my family? Or are they looking for me already? I never thought... Hell, I never believed this would happen, so of course I never thought that I would miss my life.
I guess this is really why I miss Jay, because he makes my days... different. I could say that the first time injuring me was just an honest mistake, something he couldn’t control, but following White’s order? Why did he do that? Just to freak out after that? Wouldn’t it have been just the same as refusing to do that? Why did he willingly hurt me? I mean the second time... no, why? White said, because of me saying his name. Did he try to obey so that he would see me again? I just... no!
Still, there is this chance that Jay isn’t really Ten’s name and White is lying to me about it. Maybe he just lost it because he thought I was thinking of someone else. I cannot believe any single word being said here. I cannot bring sense to anything happening here. I feel like going insane. Why is today so different? What is different?
Dinner: cheese, grapes, raw carrots, yogurt, same shit. I actually took the fork with me going to the bathroom and used it on the screws. That worked really well. Just when I wanted to loosen the ones above, Peter came in to take the tray. I quickly brought it back, explaining that I needed something to clean my nails. YUCK. He bought it, maybe because my cheeks were flushed. There was such a strange glint in his eyes. Finally, something good about that, about being me.
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