I woke up in the middle of the night. I went to the bathroom. I checked on the vent. I could move it, lift it open. I didn’t expect that I would be so fast. I think I can squeeze myself through it. I didn’t dare to. It’s too high, and the edges are too sharp, and I don’t feel strong enough to do it.
And all of these arguments are just far-fetched because I have no idea what to do if the insane chance happens and I find my way to Jay.
Day 62
I waited and waited and waited. To wait is the worst thing ever, because your mind goes on a crazy spree. I want to be busy. I need to be busy, because I don’t want to have all these thoughts reminding me of... reality. I’m not here voluntarily. I was abducted. I am being molested and worse. I am a toy for some freak human-animal cross breed, but he’s held imprisoned as well.
Reading what I write, what I wrote... it still seems unreal. What if I am really crazy? What if I am in an institution because I’m sick? Maybe all this is just my imagination? And my family has to endure this? But why haven’t they visited then? I know I don’t really have friends, but my family would come to me, wouldn’t they?
Or do I not recognize them? Is Doc my mother? Then this hint of a smile would make sense. Is Peter actually my Dad? No, hell no, I would have known THAT. No, this is real and it seems like finally, eventually and irrecoverably reality has sunken into my mind. There is no way back to pretending, no chance that I can hold up that daydreaming of me just being an actress, of me just watching a strange movie, of me being some character I made up. Why was this so much easier when I was a kid? Probably, when you’re a kid you are immune to the real world, until it hits you with a vengeance.
So, I asked if I could go to the gym again, when the point passed in which they usually take me to Jay, because I felt like going insane. Six days without meeting him, and I start to be relieved. Actually, I feel quite indifferent about it. Numb. I like being numb.
Actually, turning paranoid has some upsides: I think I’ve spotted the cameras in the gym and I believe that there is none in the shower, which has a vent! I really need to explore the air circulation system, right? I just wish that I had a clock or a watch.
Don’t I have one? Silly me, I’m so stupid. I have my iPod. I’ll start tracking their time schedule now, just to be sure. And I will put my chair in front of the door at night, so that I can tell if they check on me.
Day 63
Yes, exactly: no one visited me yesterday and it was Gray who brought my food. Not that anyone would wonder. Even I didn’t wonder about it, strange. But then again: it isn’t. I mean, ‘strange’ is my new normal right?
Indifference has taken hold of me, or maybe it’s just sarcasm in disguise.
Actually, I already anticipated some sort of schedule. The meals seem to be divided into five hour steps, even though they aren’t taking it too seriously.
Breakfast’s at 7/7:30 a.m.
Lunch at 12/12:30 p.m.
Dinner at 7/7:30 p.m.
That figures. I’m just sitting at Lunch so we’ll have to see if my theory is true, I’m pretty sure it is.
However, at 10/10:30 a.m. I get to go to the gym for one and a half hours, and I guess at 10/10:30 p.m. the lights go out here. So, I actually get 8 hours of sleep, because the lights get switched on earlier than Breakfast. I guess at 6/6:30 a.m.?
Can I already risk going to explore the vent tonight? No, I have to be sure whether they are checking on me more than once, like they did at 12:15 a.m. So, I guess: 12/12:30 a.m. would fit perfectly into the schedule, but I don’t trust that this will be the only time that they check on me.
When would they normally take me to Jay or to a second gym round? 3/3:30 p.m., if they really stick to that. Meaning: the second check would be at 3/3:30 a.m. as well. I have to be sure. I will place one of my books in front of the door after the first time they check on me at night. If it’s moved, I know that there’s a second check. So I’ll have to stay awake and find out about the time. I can’t do the chair thing again: they already were suspicious, even though I muttered a ‘sorry’, even though I had been scared wide awake by the sound. One time they can take as an accident, the second time? Not so much.
White... oh, I wish I wouldn’t have to see this sadistic SOB again. He was just here about 2 p.m., which doesn’t fit in the schedule.
Dammit.
I tried not to think of what he has done to me, what he had told Jay to do to me. He didn’t stay very long. THANK GOD. But again, he moved too close. Yeah, I cannot have a spider as far away from me either.
I don’t know... does he hope that he has the same effect on me like Jay? Does he really think that he can influence what I feel like?
No, he’s rather far too confident about himself. And of course he has an effect on me. He’s a human spider to me. I would be equally disgusted and terrified if he would turn into a gigantic spider right in front of me, but definitely not surprised.
Surprisingly, he noticed my discomfort and moved away. Still, that smug grin had spun a wide web all over his face. God, I guess he’s not even that bad looking as I describe him.
He looks like somewhat of a teacher, and scientist, probably even someone I would gladly listen to in real life because he radiates off this authority and knowledge, but... HELL... I’ve experienced such a bad, disgusting part of this person; I probably will never ever be able to not see darkness in every human I meet.
I don’t want him to think what he obviously thinks about me, about Jay and me, and... about him and me. I have to find a way out of here. I have to get away from him. Literally, I am a helpless fly in his web, I have to become something that is able to break free from him, or at least get help from someone, someone stronger, someone like Jay.
I didn’t want to ask for anything, but Spider-White wanted to know. So I asked for a yoga mat. Not that I do yoga, but I could workout in my room a little. He approved of it, in a not so creepy way. If he just knew that I need that mat so that I don’t hurt myself crawling into the vent. I can’t believe that I write everything inside here. What if they read it? But it seems like they don’t for now, because the screws are still loose, just like mine, since I’m actually planning on trying this.
I’m worried about Jay, even more now that White hasn’t dropped a word about him, and I really expected him to go all explanatory on me again, and show me how much I actually don’t know, and how stupid this makes me appear. Instead of going to him, they took me to the gym again. I tried to find anything that I might be able to sneak into my room as a tool, but there is absolutely nothing, only towels and the equipment. Even if there was something there I could use, they would notice it missing, and of course they would know that it was me.
It’s just me, right? Am I really that stupid, believing that I am the only one taken for this? If there are others like Jay then there have to be others like me. Maybe I can find them? Maybe we can work together?
No... I cannot trust anyone. It’s sad, it’s upsetting, but it is true. I have already changed so much being here, I probably would try to use someone to improve my position. ... Maybe I should.
Peter... No Peter either. I can’t say how I feel about him. Maybe he was just following orders, maybe he really likes me. However, White used him against me and Peter is after all his associate, so... can I use him against White?
I need to know how Jay is. Still, it’s so strange calling him that, because I really don’t know if that’s his true name or if Spider-White just tricked me. But calling him Ten is just as bad. It’s definitely the name or number White has given him. I would prefer the name Jay would give me over the one White would. So Jay...
I fear they are still punishing him, because of me, because of me being so careless. I need to see him. So, I’ll take a stroll, tonight, after they have checked on me. My iPod will be my watch so that I’ll return at 2/2:30 to my room. Just to be sure.
Day 64
I really need that mat because a towel doesn’t have enough hold on
the rim and I could really hurt myself climbing into that vent. It’s small and tight but fortunately I’m not that broad and I think I really lost weight since I’ve been here... and got stronger. I could pull myself up, but I need to train my arms more so that it gets easier.
Maybe I should ask for a Yoga book or something like that. I need not only to be strong, but to be tough and persevering.
I’m tired. I tried to hide it this morning, but Peter saw it I think. He looked worried, not concerned, so that’s a good thing. And it’s a bad thing that I am thinking like this. He didn’t talk to me though, just brought my Breakfast silently, not even daring to stay too long in my room. Peter sticks to his word: unless I’m not ready to speak, approach or what else first, he will keep silent and... meek. It annoys me, it really does.
So yes, I didn’t get that far. I had to climb up and down a lot and my socks weren’t really helpful. Next time I have to go barefoot and I really need to work on the strength in my arms, because there’s no chance for pulling me up with drive, I actually have to be able to pull myself up slowly, and hold myself steady.
This really screams for Yoga.
I never thought I’d actually be into that stuff, but also I’ll change my workout plan myself. I will train how to hold my own weight for a long time. Luckily, there’s no one around and even if they watch, I doubt that someone actually has an eye on how I am working out.
Back to the vent: It’s really tight in there, but I try not to think too much about that.
Yes, I don’t feel comfy in tight spaces, not at all. And that’s nothing I need to write down to remember, because I will be reminded from now on.
There are crossings in which I can turn around so that’s an upside. I only have to be careful not to fall down the exits. That’s why I need to focus on endurance from now on. And I have to draw maps.
This is a maze. But writing all of this down is already a risk. However, I can’t start hiding my diary, because they might look for it and realize that I have managed to open one of the vents. Yes, I have another one – another vent – in my sleeping room and I am thinking that there is a camera. Better to think of that, I’ll start looking for cables as well. But on what should I write the maps? I cannot pull out pages from my books or from my diary, can I?
There’s a room next to mine that looks somewhat identical to mine. Instead, there’s no bed, but a desk. I don’t know if it will belong to me one time. I could think that White might expand my place. I don’t want to think of what will have to happen that he would think of rewarding me with it. I’m happy with the space that I got, thank you. Or maybe it’s just an office. I couldn’t see much.
That room that is followed by another bedroom with a bath. So maybe... yes, maybe I’m not the only one... or there will be another one like me in there in the future? Can’t tell, don’t want to know either.
Maybe the reason why I don’t dare to write this down is... I don’t want it to be true? I know now why we don’t go through those rooms for a short cut. I thought that those chambers were maybe two large rooms or one big one, but in fact they are five.
One is a storage room. So that’s where my towels go – cleaning stuff and such – maybe useful things, if I have a chance to get in there.
Next to that is a large closet. And there are not only clothes like mine, but uniforms and such, as far as I could tell. The third room... It seems to be some sort of secret one? I’m not sure, since I only can see through the mesh. But it’s some sort of... interrogation room? And that’s... nicely put. Yet again, I couldn’t see everything so, I don’t know if torture chamber is the right expression. In here it’s probably both. I hope I’ll never end up there... and I hope that Jay will never end up there. Maybe he has? Maybe he is in such a room right now somewhere else in here? Because of me saying a name? That’s crazy. But crazy is normal here.
The fourth room is full of dark lockers and a part of me hopes that they are holding weapons.
Room five seems to be some sort of monitoring room for number three.
I need to get tools, a way to get down into these rooms without destroying the mesh. I can’t screw them open from the inside, even if I had a screwdriver. The only way would be using force. And that someone would hear, and even if they didn’t, I would have to find something to put the mesh back in its place and keep it there.
Okay. I still got the tape, but would that one hold such a mesh in place? I doubt it. Maybe if there’d be strings and tape in the storage room, I could... But first I need something to open that vent from the inside. Going in there barefoot I definitely won’t use my feet to push it open. No, I need a screw-wrench, ideally two, so that I can open the vents from the inside.
The most important discovery is: there’s an outside, fresh air, sunlight. But there is a downside to it.
I came across an opening with two fans mowing opposite each other and behind that: dim light, natural light: moonshine. That place seems to be a deep hole in the ground. Like an atrium for this building complex, but from the outside, above the ground, it must look like an abyss.
I could smell the earth; fresh earth like it had rained heavily before. There was chirring in the distance, or maybe I misheard humming electricity.
It doesn’t matter. There is an outside, an accessible outside. I doubt that one has the chance to climb out of here, but hey, I never thought I would be crawling through a ventilation system.
I honestly doubt that the opening, the end up there, is unprotected. There is probably at least a huge mesh and there definitely will be cameras, maybe even guards, maybe even some automatic system... after all this facility obviously researches in DNA alteration.
Now, I’m really tired.
I know it’s a straight day, but somehow I know that no one will take me to him. Yet, there’s a chance... I need to sleep. I’ll write later, if anything happens.
It’s late now and I won’t go up the vent tonight. I’m too tired, too exhausted actually. I feel like... I had been on the treadmill the whole day, even worse than after my ‘sessions’. Maybe finally these past two months are taking their toll on me. Yet I can’t sleep.
They just checked on me, which means it’s past 12 am and a new day has started and since I know that I will spend the rest of this day in my room, I just started a new page for a new day. So I begged White to stop all of that, to leave him in peace so he would calm down.
Day 65
I do need to write down what happened. White took me. He came into my room without knocking, grabbing me at my upper arm and dragging me along. I still have his fingerprints on my arm. And they did sting and electrify my nerves just as if they had been spider legs, or rather spider bites.
I was so terrified. Thinking of that I start to shake again. It must be the exhaustion. I really thought he would... this look on his face. I hate it when he glares like that. I think he would be nicer to me if I... but no... Never... EVER.
We took the normal way, to the cage. I hadn’t seen that there is another door. Because it has no window and there’s no light hinting it out. And there is the outside. It leads outside.
So when you actually enter the cage like I always have done and just go to the other wall, which lies opposite, there is another door. It has no window, no bars, so it lies completely in the shadow, and yet it leads to the outside, the outside which I found last night.
The sunlight was burning bright in my eyes and it took some time for the white to wear off and for me to actually see anything. Sunlight is so beautiful when you haven’t had the pleasure for a while.
I miss the sun... so much.
It’s as big as a football field, the hole. As soon as I got used to the brightness I could see what this is about. It’s divided by fences into different areas.
All the fields were empty except one. Some figures were standing and others lying on the ground. I heard snarling and instantly I knew it was him. At the beginning I couldn’t say if they were attacking him or the other way
around. He was moving too fast for them to shoot him, apparently, but they were too many for him to not get hurt. I could see and hear it.
“Make them stop”, I heard myself breathe out as he pushed me closer.
And I sensed a flood of questions almost drowning me: Did he want to punish me with seeing him being hurt, him bleeding? Why else would he want me to see this? To actually realize how dangerous his Ten was? How important my word? How devastating my carelessness? Was I here to finally help or for me to realize that I couldn’t be of any assistance?
“Make him stop”, he simply gave back and I was stunned. He did believe that I was able to do that?
Before I could answer anything, he yelled a name I can’t recall, and one of the soldiers followed his bark and approached him.
Time dragged on like a chewing gum. It was like watching it all in slow motion: how White stretched out his hand and that guy placing his gun into his palm.
The next thing I remember was feeling the barrel against my temple and I was frozen, just like the scenery before me. I didn’t realize that what had appeared to be just a brief hesitation for me, had obviously taken too long for White.
Jay stopped in an instant, in full motion, like that gun had been a remote and someone had pressed ‘pause’. His opponents were taken by surprise and stopped as well as a result. This wasn’t what I meant when I had offered my help. But I could see how well White’s interpretation worked out.
“I gave her to you, I can take her from you”, his voice was far away and still in my head, resonating a tone that scratched down my spine icily.
All I could do was look at Jay. Seeing him for the first time in full light and in this warped form White had forced on him. He breathed heavily, his chest heaving, looking back, just at me, straight at me. Jay narrowed his eyes as I felt the movement, White lowering down his mouth to my ear on the other side.
The Beast And Me Page 13