Haunted Heart

by Susan Laine

  Duncan did care, didn’t he? Ruben shivered at the alternative.

  “I heard the door slam shut, but I couldn’t get up for a long time. I guess I was in shock. Plus the injuries, of course. When Rose came home….” The lump in Ruben’s throat felt awfully big to breathe past. “I lied to her. I told her a stranger had surprised me in bed, asleep, and raped and beaten me, and then robbed the place.”

  “That was true,” Duncan cut in, his voice rationalizing.

  “Maybe. From a certain point of view.” Ruben glanced at one of the familiar pictures on the mantelpiece, where Rose was smiling happily, her slender arm around a grinning kid. There were times when Ruben couldn’t recognize himself from the photos. They spoke of a happier past he could scarcely recall. “I told her and the police I couldn’t identify the… the intruder, that I hadn’t seen his face.”

  Duncan leaned forward, his expression strained, his gaze intense. “You mean, he’s still out there somewhere?”

  “No. No.” Ruben shook his head. “About a month later, he tried to break into another house, this time in Silverdale, but the owner surprised him with a shotgun. A hunter. The man who raped me… he was shot and killed. I saw his picture in the paper and recognized him right away. There had been a thirteen-year-old boy in the house then. If he had….” A sob escaped him. “It would have been my fault.”

  All of a sudden, Duncan was there, sitting next to Ruben, his warm, strong arm around his shoulders, comforting him. “No, Ruben. You can’t think like that. What-if’s never serve a useful purpose, only drive you insane.”

  “But I am sort of mad, aren’t I?” Ruben leaned into the touch, his cheek resting gently on Duncan’s sweater-covered chest, the scent of deodorant, coffee, and male musk surrounding him. This was the closest he had been to a man, and he was shocked at how good it felt to just be held. “I can’t leave this house, even though it happened right here. I feel trapped here, and yet this is the only place where I feel safe, calm, and free. I know it sounds stupid.”

  “No, Ruben, it doesn’t.” Duncan’s voice was soft and kind, as if he understood all the darkness Ruben carried inside. “We all have our own ways of coping with loss and tragedy. No one has the right to say that one way is better than another.”

  “Y-you don’t think I’m a… a freak?”

  “Absolutely not. I would never think that.” Duncan’s breath wafted over Ruben’s hair, shifting it around, and then Ruben thought he felt Duncan kiss the top of his head, but couldn’t be sure. “What kind of agoraphobia do you have? I read about it a little but….”

  “I can’t go outside. When Rose was still here, I could go out to the porch sometimes with her, you know, and drink coffee there.” He sniffled, hoping he didn’t get any snot on Duncan’s clothes. “But not anymore. If I try… I can’t breathe, my head starts spinning, and my heart hurts.”

  “Panic attack,” Duncan said, obviously more to himself than to Ruben. “Does anything help?”

  “At first there were shrinks and meds. I have anxiety medication now too, but I mostly use relaxation techniques to control the panic attacks.”

  Duncan seemed to ponder this. “The first time I came here, you had a panic attack then, didn’t you?”

  Ruben felt his face flush with heat. “Yes. I really tried not to but—”

  “It’s all right. You don’t have to excuse or apologize for an instinctive reaction like that. I’m sorry I caused you such heartache. I assure you had I known—”

  “No, I… I wanted to meet you.” Ruben’s whole body heated up at the confession and the implications of it. “No one’s ever believed in me other than Grandma Rose and Benjamin, and they’re family. I mean, had faith in my artistic skills.”

  Suddenly, Duncan chuckled, the low sound reverberating from his chest onto Ruben’s skin. God, it felt and sounded good. “It’s more than your talent as an artist I admire. You were able to meet me, even invite me into your house. You are braver than you give yourself credit for.”

  Gosh, that sounded too good to be true. Ruben felt stronger within, as though Duncan’s steady assurances awoke something inside him. Perhaps he did have more than a granule of courage in his heart.

  Duncan went on, awe in his voice. “I mean, after breaking down when we first met, you still picked yourself up and tried again. And the next time you battled your demons and won, and I got the chance to see you and speak with you, and I feel privileged for it. Grateful that you let go of your fears, even for a short time, and best of all, that you did it with me.”

  The warmth and brightness that filled Ruben’s heart with true hope at that moment was beyond his experience, but he savored the feeling, tucking it deep inside his soul for safekeeping.

  Maybe Duncan was right. The sky couldn’t hurt him, vast open spaces even less so. It wasn’t like he had never puzzled at the oddity of his anxiety. Xenophobia, the fear of strangers, was something he had expected and could have understood. But worrying about what was outside the house when the terrible thing that had happened to him had taken place inside these four walls?

  If he left here, if he somehow mustered enough strength, would he become afraid of unfamiliar faces, or crowds, or every brush against his skin, or invasions of his personal space? Was that what he had to look forward to? Substituting one fear for another.

  “What are you thinking about?” Duncan asked him, still holding Ruben gathered in his arms, safe and sound.

  “It’s strange,” he started slowly, his voice muffled against Duncan’s sweater. “But when I first invited you here, I saw in my head the two of us outside on the porch, drinking coffee and chatting away. It wasn’t until later I realized what I had done. How natural it had seemed in my head. But when I awoke from that normalcy…. That was when the panic struck me.”

  “For a moment you forgot to be afraid,” Duncan clarified, pensive.

  “I guess. Weird.”

  “I don’t know. You know how it takes the body time to heal from wounds and injuries and illness, right?” Ruben nodded, silent, curious as to where this was leading. “Maybe your mind is starting to get past it.”

  Ruben waited for the panic to swamp him under its relentless tidal wave. But it never came. With Duncan there, Ruben felt as calm and centered as he did when doing his exercises. The epiphany was still a hard pill to swallow. He had grown accustomed to his fear.

  Who was he without his phobia? Could he be someone without it?

  Chapter 10

  “WHY AREN’T you with someone?” Ruben asked, clinging to Duncan’s sweater, inhaling the man’s scent, relishing his warm solidity.

  “I am with someone.” From Duncan’s amused tone, Ruben concluded he was teasing, that he meant Ruben. When Ruben snorted, Duncan chuckled. Then he said, “My work is important to me, and it eats up a lot of my time. I don’t hang around in bars a lot. There’s no policy against fraternization at EP, so I suppose I could develop a relationship with someone there.”

  Ruben tried not to shiver with unpleasant chills—and a hot streak of jealousy—but he didn’t do a very good job of it. “Have you?”

  “No.” Duncan kept stroking Ruben’s hair softly, and if Ruben could have purred, he would have. “To quote a crass saying, I don’t shit where I eat.” Ruben snickered at that, and Duncan held him tighter to his chest. A mellow affection heated his heart, and he wished for time to stand still so he could remain here forever. “Besides, it’s hard to settle for candles when you’ve basked in the sun for so long.” He whispered against Ruben’s temple, “You’re incandescent.”

  Duncan was talking about Ruben? Oh my God. Ruben was sure he had died and gone to heaven. “H-how do you know…?” Duncan said nothing, waiting for Ruben to say what he meant. That trust was wonderful to feel. “How do you know there’s a connection between us? You said we had one but…. What makes you so sure?” And what do you want from me? But that last part Ruben didn’t say out loud.

  Then Duncan wrapped his other hand arou
nd Ruben too, embracing him with serious intent. “From the first moment I saw you I knew I had to get to know you better. I saw your use of colors, shapes, and imagination. I knew right away you were the most beautiful—”

  “Wait.” Ruben pulled out of Duncan’s arms, studying him, incredulous. “Y-you mean the cover I sent you? You’re talking about my art…?”

  Duncan grinned, a self-confident, sexy gesture that made Ruben weak in the knees. “Yes. I saw you. I saw more than your gift as an artist. The wide star fields, the lush meadows, the serene beauty of life around you. I could see you, Ruben, behind that picture. The lovely soul who could conjure up new worlds with his paintbrush and pencil. The beauty who longed to see and be a part of the outside world. Isn’t that what you wanted, Ruben? For someone to see you?” Duncan cupped Ruben’s jaw, caressing his cheekbone with his thumb. “Well, I see you, Ruben. And I adore what I see.”

  Breath hitched in Ruben’s throat, and his heart beat a rapid staccato. He didn’t know what to say. His entire focus rested in Duncan’s eyes, so deep and profound, so full of passion and light that it left Ruben’s head spinning. And this time it wasn’t because of any panic attacks.

  The doubts flooded in a second later. “I… I don’t know how to be with you….”

  Duncan cocked his head to the side as if pausing for thought. “You mean physically or emotionally, or in general in a relationship, or even in the same room?” Duncan smiled tenderly, and it went a long way in calming down Ruben’s anxieties. “We’ll work on it. We don’t need to have all the answers right away, do we? We’ve got time.”

  We…? Ruben was flabbergasted with Duncan’s words, his reassurances that he wanted Ruben no matter how difficult it would be between them. In fact, this was the first time a person not blood related to him had held him so close. The rapist sure didn’t count. Duncan had come to Ruben and taken charge of the situation with his kindness, not giving his comfort a second thought, not once hesitating, simply giving. Ruben envied that confidence and strength.

  “I won’t force you to do anything you don’t want to do, Ruben,” Duncan said gently, his touch soothing. “We’ll take this at your pace, whatever you set. Even if we never do anything beyond this—” Duncan slowly surrounded Ruben with his arms again. “—it’ll be all right.”

  Ruben was certain no man in his sexual prime, spending time with his object of desire, could show such restraint and serenity in the face of temptation. Even if that fictional man was a perfect gentleman like Duncan.

  “Ruben?” God, how nice and considerate Duncan sounded, a veritable dream come true. To his surprise, Ruben found himself burrowing deeper into the man’s hug. “Your condition, does it, um, prevent you from…?” Duncan’s voice faded, and Ruben could feel his awkwardness, in spite of his earlier declarations. He was obviously referring to sex.

  Pushing away from Duncan, Ruben shifted on the couch until there was space between them and they were no longer touching. He didn’t risk glancing at his guest, anticipating frustration or disappointment. Still, he felt no urge to run away, hide, and cry. Then again, neither did he feel a compelling drive to throw himself at Duncan and yield to his desires.

  In the back of his mind, though, he wished he were one of those people who could do the latter without hesitation, to be reckless, to surrender to another man.

  But those times were long gone. He’d never really known them.

  Ruben cleared his throat. “I… I can’t do that.”

  “Wait a second.” Duncan lifted his hand in the stop gesture. “What do you mean?”

  Now Ruben had to look at Duncan, frowning with bafflement. “What do you mean?”

  Duncan gave Ruben a lopsided smile, with a hint of self-deprecation, his cheeks pink. “Well, there’s more to sensuality than going straight to the, um, to the bottom, as it were.”

  Ruben gasped and felt his skin light on fire, half embarrassment and half arousal. He wanted to bristle and get angry at the insinuation he was a total newbie—but he was for all intents and purposes a virgin. And still… he wanted Duncan. The man spoke to his body and mind, giving him hot flashes and erotic imagery, neither of which he could refute. If he did, it would be a lie.

  “I’ve never done anything. Why would you want to be with someone—”

  “You’d better not finish that sentence, Ruben,” Duncan interjected, growling.

  Considering his past, Ruben should have been afraid, but the thrill that shot through his body and sent all the blood in his brain boiling lightning fast toward his dick laid waste to any dread he might have felt. How one sound could make him so horny was beyond him.

  Carefully, as if unsure of his welcome, Duncan took a gentle hold of Ruben’s hands with his own, and gave a tentative squeeze. “I don’t want to rush you, Ruben. Please believe that. I asked merely to ascertain how much sexual experience you have and what level of intimacy you’re comfortable with so that we can figure out what the next step is—if you are okay with there being one.”

  Ruben felt his hands shake, just like the rest of him. As nervous as he was about this whole topic, a part of him—the young male part—longed to feel the caress of another man, to kiss for the first time, to be held and loved, to physically join with someone.

  He chuckled at that. How could he miss so badly something he had never known?

  “As I said,” he started slowly, his voice frail and soft, “I have never done anything, not with a guy or a girl. I knew I was gay when I was fifteen or so, when all my fantasies….” Blushing, he steered clear of that subject. He was gratified to see Duncan’s knowing smile. Oh, so sexy. “What that man did to me, it was my first and only experience with sex.”

  “Oh, Ruben.” Duncan shook his head, but Ruben could sense the anger wasn’t directed at him. “That wasn’t sex. That was… something else. Violence, pain, abuse, cruelty. Not sex.”

  Ruben smiled, his heart light as a feather. He was certain he had never felt so good in his life. “I know. Even if it’s called a sex crime.”

  Duncan nodded, his expression grim at first, but soon calming. “Tell me, Ruben. How do you feel about the possibility of being with me? In a relationship, I mean.”

  Ruben looked down at their joined hands, conflicted. “I don’t know. Scared.” Duncan’s grip tightened and then eased almost to the point of letting Ruben go. “But… kind of hopeful too, I guess.” Ruben didn’t have to watch Duncan directly to be aware of the tension that left him and the long breath he released. “I need time. Can you—”

  “Yes, of course. Absolutely. As much time as you need, Ruben, I swear.” Duncan’s practically rapid-fire reassurances made Ruben smile—such hasty words, spoken with serious intent.

  It was funny how close Ruben felt to this virtual stranger, as if they had known each other far longer than a few weeks. Yet there was a connection, the one Duncan had mentioned and the one Ruben couldn’t exactly deny feeling as well.

  He felt adventurous. He wanted to try new things.

  With Duncan, Ruben could have those things from the safety of the four walls around him. He was home, and he could let himself be free for the first time ever.

  And he knew exactly what he wanted to experience right now.

  “Could we, um…? Would you kiss me?” Ruben held his breath waiting for an answer.

  Then he saw the oddest thing, like a touch of magic. Duncan’s sky-blue eyes darkened to midnight blue. The colorful ring of his iris seemed to vanish as the black pupil pushed the color aside, leaving only darkness in its wake. Ruben had never seen that reaction before, but it excited him. Briefly, he wondered if his own eyes mirrored the look that spoke of a hunger new to him.

  But Duncan still held himself in check, it seemed. With a hoarse voice he asked, “Are you sure, Ruben? We don’t have to rush into anything you’re not comfortable with.” Then his eyes flashed intently. “Just don’t go interpreting that as lack of desire because, God, how I want you.”

  Ruben gasped, his
eyes widening in shock, his body amped and fired up like never before. Being the object of Duncan’s desire was heady, amazing and frightening at the same time.

  “I… I think I want you too…,” he confessed quietly. “I just don’t know what to….” He couldn’t go on. His mouth was dry while his hands were hot and sweaty.

  Duncan shifted on the couch, inching nearer until their knees brushed. “Well, we start by getting closer to each other.” Duncan’s voice was raspy now, as if he smoked a pack a day. The idea that he was the cause made Ruben’s heart and cock jump.

  He slid a bit closer to Duncan, but still kept far away from any full-body contact that might make his panic awake from slumber. Gosh, but Duncan smelled good. Spicy aftershave and a male scent unique to him. The scent drove Ruben’s senses into overdrive.

  When Duncan lifted a hand and cupped Ruben’s face, slowly bringing him forward, Ruben’s vision blurred, as if a gray veil in the wind were blocking his sight. Please, God, don’t let me faint before my first kiss. He licked his lips in anticipation. Duncan’s hot, coffee-scented breath wafted over Ruben’s face. Ruben could see Duncan’s blond stubble, the slight indentations on his cheeks, a small scattering of freckles just around his nose and under his eyes, which Ruben had assumed were shadows. Duncan was real, and he was here.

  Frantic questions fired randomly inside Ruben’s brain. Did his breath or his skin smell bad? Did he have pimples or blemishes? Was his hair a lifeless mop and a total turn-off?

  Right then, Duncan ran his fingers over Ruben’s lips, the touch barely there. “You’re thinking about this too much. I can practically see the gears turning in your head.” He was teasing, and Ruben liked the lightening of the mood.