by Susan Laine
“You’ve progressed by leaps and bounds,” Duncan remarked, happy for his friend and lover.
Ruben looked away briefly, as if torn in two. “I’m not out of the woods yet, Duncan. For all we know, I may never be. The agoraphobia, I mean.”
Duncan could feel Ruben’s uncertainty rolling off him in waves, and he leaned forward to press their foreheads together. Ruben’s coffee-scented breath wafted over him. “I know. I’m not worried. I mean, it’s not going to be an excuse for me to walk out the door. Pardon the pun.”
Ruben chuckled softly, and he didn’t withdraw from the touch. “You sure?”
“You being able to leave the house? Big fucking deal.” Duncan snorted loudly to make his point, laced with humor, and Ruben laughed. “If I have my way with your gorgeous self, we’ll never leave this house again. Just order takeout and bury ourselves under a blanket in front of the fireplace.”
“Oh, sounds heavenly.” Ruben sighed. Then his gaze locked with Duncan’s. “It’s been hard to be here alone. You know, even before… that guy… all I wanted was for someone to see me. For someone to think I was beautiful and wonderful… worthy of being seen. It’s not just that I don’t want to be alone for the rest of my life. I guess I would like someone to walk this path with me. I’m fully aware that being with me isn’t easy. It’s not going to get any easier either. My phobia? I may never be able to overcome it and be cured.”
“It’s become a part of you,” Duncan said calmly. “I’m not expecting miracle cures or anything like that, Ruben. And even though we had sex… I like my dick fine, but I don’t think of it as a magic wand that waves about and makes all our troubles vanish into thin air.”
Ruben half giggled, half snorted. “Gosh, what an image.”
Duncan had to chuckle at that himself. “You know what I mean.”
“I do.” Ruben kissed Duncan on the lips, a simple press of flesh, yet intimate and so profound. “I may be housebound, possibly for the rest of my life, but I believe I have a lot to give a potential lover and partner, and much to offer to a relationship.” He shrugged, but it was by no means a casual gesture. “I guess I just… want to be loved, like anyone else.”
Duncan exhaled, relief easing the tension in his body. “You’re right. You may not be exiting this house anytime soon. But when it comes to being loved, you’re already there.”
When Ruben smiled, downright euphoric, Duncan knew without a shadow of a doubt he wanted and needed to see this young man’s happiness for the rest of his life. And to be the cause of it, well, that was even better.
And then things went from better to ecstatic—and straight onward to weird.
“You know… I love you too, Duncan.” Ruben didn’t sound small anymore, though his voice was quiet. It was sincere, reverent, even sacred. Duncan’s heart did somersaults. “That’s why I need you to do me a favor. With this.”
When Ruben took a piece of black cloth from his pants pocket, Duncan was utterly dumbfounded.
A blindfold?
Chapter 14
“I’LL EXPLAIN.” Ruben watched the confusion on Duncan’s handsome face with no small amount of amusement. “I don’t know how much you know about agoraphobia.”
Duncan nodded slowly, rubbing his jaw, reflective. “Since I learned that’s what you have I’ve been studying a bit. It’s an anxiety disorder, with panic attacks. The condition makes it all but compulsory to avoid any and all situations that might make the panic arise. Feelings of being trapped or helpless or embarrassed or ashamed can trigger an attack.”
Ruben smiled. His man had been studying. “Right. The actual cause for the condition is unknown, why some people are so affected by it while others with similar traumatic experiences in the past are not. But… it is also connected to depression. And, as you may know, depression is a hard psychological habit to break. Connect a phobia with depression and you get a vicious cycle, almost impossible to break.”
Duncan caressed Ruben’s cheek, his eyes filled with sorrow all of a sudden. “Are you trying to discourage me from being with you?”
“No!” Of that Ruben had zero doubts. “No. I want to be with you.”
“Whatever this—” Duncan pointed at the blindfold in Ruben’s hands. “—is for, you don’t have to do anything drastic to show you can change or improve or whatever. I fell for you, not some idea of you all better.” He frowned, hesitant. “That didn’t come out right.”
“It’s all right,” Ruben assured him. “I know what you meant. At least, I think I do. And I’m doing this for me. Not for you, specifically.” He took a deep breath, organizing his thoughts. “You see, when I was raped, I was clinically depressed. The shrinks said so. I was on medication, on antidepressants. I have since stopped taking them. The panic attacks don’t come from me being depressed, which is a constant state of mind. The panic comes from the unexpected, the surprises, the sudden anxieties from new experiences.”
“I’m not sure I get where you’re going with this….”
“If my panic attacks, my phobia, stems from depression more than unforeseen things, then maybe if I’m no longer depressed, perhaps the phobia will go away, or at least lessen.” Ruben wanted that to be true. A part of him believed it too. A big part.
And he had Duncan to thank for that. When they’d had sex, that was an exciting, novel experience that shook Ruben to the core. It should have sent his panic rising so high it would meet with the International Space Station. Instead, Duncan had soothed his fears, alleviated his doubts, and done away with his panic. Ruben had felt free for the first time in his life.
Trusting another—trusting Duncan—to help him, be there for him, show him there was nothing to be afraid of, that had been the key as far as Ruben was concerned.
Duncan had made Ruben’s body and soul first ignore, then forget, the rape. As a result, the depression, the panic, the fear, all of it became meaningless. Ruben had been aware of them in the distance, in the back of his mind, but like ghosts from the past, they faded in the bright light of a future with Duncan.
Even now, Ruben could feel the tendrils of depression that had sunk their claws into his soul, tethering him to a hollow sadness and worthlessness, breaking. The darkness was receding. A light filled him, both levity and brightness. Part love, part hope.
And if he no longer felt depressed, maybe his fears would let go too.
But… first things first.
“I want to try something,” Ruben told Duncan calmly. “I don’t think it would be wise of me to jump outside and run down the steps into the woods right away to test my theory. Just in case, you know.” He chuckled to show he wasn’t worried, and a flicker of a smile lifted the corners of Duncan’s lips too. “I’m obviously not ready to tackle the idea of public places or crowds. Baby steps. But, if you’re willing to help, I’d like to try going out to the back porch or the backyard.”
That’s where the blindfold came in. During sex, Ruben had closed his eyes, for fear of coming too soon, erupting without control. That simple act had helped him relax and handle the raging sea of emotions. And that was where he had gotten the idea.
Duncan stared at the blindfold in Ruben’s hands, obviously catching on to Ruben’s plans. “With that on?”
“Yes.” Ruben nodded. “Just in case it’s the visual stimuli that triggers a panic attack. If I can’t see the sky or the wide-open space, then maybe….” He trailed off, his hope filling the silence instead. Maybe then he could handle it, like he had accepted sex.
“But you’re not sure.” Duncan dithered, with a deep frown marring his forehead.
“I have never tried anything like this, so no.” Ruben sighed. “I trust you, Duncan. I’d like to try this. With you.” The apprehensive expression Duncan sported didn’t go away, so Ruben began to think the man was going to refuse.
Then Duncan bussed Ruben’s cheek softly. “Anything you want, Ruben. I’m here for you.”
Ruben’s breath was shaky upon hearing that. But his heart
remained hopeful.
Ten minutes later, after some deep breathing exercises, Ruben stood at the back door, Duncan standing behind him, comforting in his silent presence.
Ruben watched the scene he had come to know only from afar. He looked beyond the overgrown lawn where the big pine with the tire swing stood. He had been there last, swinging away, at the carefree age of twelve or thirteen. So long ago he could scarcely recall the fleeting memories.
There was undoubtedly some yard equipment hidden amid the grass and plants. Ruben had shoveled dirt around as a kid with Rose, who had been an avid gardener. He hated how he had let the place become a jungle. Not that Grandma would have blamed him for one second. He still did, though.
By the tree line, he had seen his first elk grazing and his first eagle soaring on high. He had come to know and enjoy the wildlife in the national park. As a kid, he’d hiked up the mountain many times as a Boy Scout.
Times long past, yet their memories remained within Ruben.
“You still wanna do this?” Duncan asked, concerned. “You don’t have to if—”
“If I don’t want to. Yes, I know.” Ruben shook his head. “If there’s one word I know by heart by now, it’s no.” He glanced over his shoulder, overjoyed at his lover being there to support him in his perilous venture. “Thanks for being here with me.”
Duncan leaned over and kissed Ruben on the lips. “No place on earth I’d rather be.”
The sheer love and warmth Duncan exuded gave Ruben confidence and awakened his inner courage. He turned to the familiar vista again. The back door was already open, with only the screen door between him and the outside world. “Put the blindfold on me, please.”
Duncan was infinitely gentle when he placed the black cloth over Ruben’s eyes and tied it at the back of his head. “Not too tight, is it?”
His care over Ruben’s wellbeing warmed Ruben from head to toes, confirming his own ability to face this challenge. “No. It’s perfect.” He licked his dry lips, focused on breathing, and calmed his wayward thoughts and emotions. “Please, hold my hand. Don’t let go.”
“I won’t. I promise.”
Next thing Ruben heard was Duncan shoving the screen door open until it banged lightly against the wall. Nothing stood between him and the wraparound porch.
Was it his imagination that the air smelled crisper than before? Or that sounds were less muffled, sharper now? It must have been because he often kept windows open, so fresh air was familiar to him, as were the sounds of woodpeckers or the winds carrying the fragrance of pines or the rustling of branches and foliage when storms picked up.
Duncan held both his hand and his arm, as if he were the one in need of anchoring.
That made Ruben smile, and his self-confidence built further.
He took a step forward, over the threshold. He heard the creak of wood as he moved onto the porch. Gosh, did the planks need replacing? Were they molded or cracked? The house was old, and all that Ruben knew about the condition of the house was of the interior and what he could discern through the windows. Looking down was not among his daily priorities. Did he need to hire a carpenter or a gardener?
“How does the porch look?”
For a moment it was quiet with Duncan surveying their surroundings. “Seems fine to me. No loose boards, no mold or moss that I can see, no animal droppings. A few nails sticking out. Nothing a good hammering won’t cure.”
“Are we still talking about the porch?” Ruben said in jest, longing for some levity.
And Duncan didn’t disappoint, laughing with a deep rumbling sound that reverberated inside Ruben, as though he were a finely tuned instrument and Duncan the musician who knew how to play him. “You crack me up, baby.”
Baby? No one had ever called Ruben that. The smile that rose to his lips was a sign of his heart bouncing up and down in excitement too. “Walk me around the porch, please, and tell me what you see.”
“My pleasure, beautiful,” Duncan purred to Ruben’s ear, kissing the soft lobe, a seductive and yet soothing gesture.
Behind the blindfold, Ruben kept his eyes closed. Not that it would have mattered either way, but he didn’t want to risk any unnerving glimpses. Blind, by fabric and by choice, he followed Duncan’s lead as they walked around the house under the awning. Birds sang in the trees, the pungent smell of earth wafted to Ruben’s nose, and the wind caressed his skin. Everything told him he was definitely outside.
But… the panic remained inside, unmoving, not making so much as a peep.
“There’s an old swing for three to our left,” Duncan said, describing their environment plainly and carefully. “It’s painted green, but the paint’s flaking. It needs a new coat. I’ll get some from the local Home Depot. There are a lot of leaves everywhere too, fresh and dry. I’ll sweep them away later.”
Ruben kept smiling as they walked. He took cautious steps, making sure he didn’t wander off too far from his guide and escort. The way Duncan spoke, as if he was establishing his right to do housework at his own place, put giddy thoughts in Ruben’s head. He likes it here. He’s beginning to see this as home. Our home.
“Hey, you’ve got apple trees here,” Duncan called out, his voice rising with surprised enthusiasm. “My mom makes a mean apple pie. I’ll ask her for the recipe and make you one. You’ll love it.”
“I’m sure I will.” Of that Ruben had zero doubts either.
“Deer have been getting at the birches close to the seaside tree line,” Duncan said with precise observation. “They’ve dug their teeth into the bark. And I think you’ve had some gophers or rabbits here recently. Gonna have to keep an eye out. Don’t want them making a home here.”
“No. Two is plenty.”
Duncan’s pleased chuckle and kiss on his cheek had Ruben beaming. “Yup. Oh, the patio furniture in the front yard needs serious cleaning. They may be plastic, but they’re white. Or used to be, anyway. I’ll bring them onto the porch. If you sit by the doorway, you can help me clean them up later, yeah?”
When Duncan acknowledged his awareness of this little excursion hardly being a fast miracle cure, Ruben knew he had found his soul mate. He had always believed in them. But he had been certain he was too tarnished and broken beyond repair to ever meet one, let alone keep one. Now Ruben had his soul mate, and with simple words Duncan was making plans for longer stays. They would be together, like a proper couple. And even if Ruben never got better, never managed to go beyond the porch, or even the doorway, unless he was blind as a bat, that was fine too. Duncan was here, and he wanted Ruben for himself, phobias and all.
That sealed the deal for him.
“Duncan?”
“Yeah?”
“Let’s go back inside.”
“Something wrong?” Duncan sounded immediately alarmed.
“No. I want to eradicate my worst memory. I want you to take me to bed, to the same room where I was attacked, and make love to me.” He wondered what Duncan thought and felt right then, as he couldn’t gauge the man’s mood since he was unable to see his expression. He took a deep breath. “Please?”
“Anything you wish, Ruben.” Duncan’s voice was raspy and choked, as if he were as emotional as Ruben was at that moment. That was a comforting notion, a feeling they shared.
“THAT’S NOT the same, um…?” Duncan stood in place, frowning and staring at the king-size bed in Ruben’s bedroom. Obviously Duncan found it difficult to finish the sentence, and Ruben could relate.
“No. Grandma got rid of that one long ago.” He smiled at the warm, cozy memory. “We had two singles here back then. Rose was a firm believer that siblings should share a room, to teach them to share things and respect each other’s boundaries. She always said whoever we met in life, family was forever.”
Duncan smiled ruefully. “She sounds like a great woman. I wish I had met her.”
“Me too.” He sighed, feeling the longing to reconnect with those he had lost. “That’s one of the reasons I wish I could one day
get better. I’d love to visit her grave, tell her all about you and everything that’s happened to me.”
Duncan rested a hand on Ruben’s shoulder, the touch soothing. “I believe she’ll hear you no matter where you are.”
The implication that he didn’t have to overcome his agoraphobia just to be a part of his family, even the ones who were gone, felt like a warm blanket around Ruben’s body. “How do you always know what to say to make me feel better?”
“Luck. Fate. Love. Take your pick.” Duncan’s husky chuckle made Ruben grin too. “I like your room. It could use a little color, though.” Duncan feeling comfortable enough to speak his mind in the room where a horrible thing had occurred lifted Ruben’s spirit. That normalcy, more than anything, told him everything was going to be all right. And that it was all good.
Ruben took a look around, trying to see the room with fresh eyes, like Duncan. His guy was right about the place looking a little drab. And that was being kind.
White curtains hung lifeless, blocking the view outside. Wallpaper with gray, stylized flowers was peeling off in places. There were precious few pieces of furniture in the room: a single wardrobe, a bed, a dresser, and nothing else. The woven rugs were handmade by Rose’s senior friends, but they hadn’t been cleaned properly in ages, and the various shades of blue had begun to blend together.
All in all, it wasn’t the most inviting room. Then again, apart from sleeping, Ruben didn’t spend much time there anyway.
“You do have Ben’s pics here,” Duncan commented, walking to the bedside dresser, on top of which were Ruben’s personal family photos. A picture of his mom and dad in the garden of the house where they used to live in Seattle proper. A Christmas family photo with Ruben, Ben, and their parents, the boys by the tree opening their presents and their parents watching, smiling, with mugs of eggnog. A picture of a younger, proudly smiling Benjamin, apparently at a gallery opening. “When was this taken?”