In Self Defense
Page 3
“We started to argue often. One night, I came home late from work. He was drunk, and started yelling at me, accusing me of cheating.” She paced back and forth in front of them. This was the hardest part of reliving these memories. “When he smacked me, I was stunned. I didn’t know what to say or do. After that, things…” She swallowed and took a deep breath. Her voice wavered when she continued. “Things quickly escalated, and I couldn’t stop him. I don’t remember much of it. Thankfully, one of the neighbors heard me screaming.” A tear slid from her eye. “I woke up the next day in the hospital with a concussion, a black eye, a broken jaw, and a broken arm.” Her voice cracked. “Turn to the next page.” Several of the women gasped, and more than one hushed “Oh my God” reached her ears. Jason cleared his throat. He’d been hesitant about her using the pictures, but she had insisted. The women might not believe her story, but there was no way to refute the photos of her battered, swollen face. “Last night, Alex violated his probation and an order of protection by confronting me while I was out with some friends.”
She stood tall, meeting every woman’s eye before continuing. “Alex is six-foot-four, with almost as much muscle as your instructor, Jason. As you can see, I’m not hurt. I have no bruises, no bumps, no broken bones. I’m standing.” She watched. Waited for it. Finally, a girl in the back, not much taller than Sarah, spoke up.
“What happened?”
“I knocked the motherfucker out.”
She explained to the women how she’d started taking kickboxing classes six months ago and now went three times a week, but that mattered little to them. They rallied around her like she was the head of the cheerleading squad. Jason beamed as he made his way to her side.
“Okay, ladies, we’ll go over some of the basic moves first. Sarah and I will demonstrate them for you. After that, everyone will pair off, and she and I will come around the room assisting.” For the next two hours, they worked with the women until they were all confident in the basic self-defense techniques that would allow them to escape most would-be attackers.
“Are there any other questions?” Jason asked as they began packing things away.
“Can we see Sarah do some kickboxing?” someone asked.
Sarah threw her head back and laughed. “As a matter of fact, yes. My pay for helping with this class was that Jason owes me a match. You’re all welcome to watch.”
“You’re going to fight him?” one of the women asked, eyeing Jason with obvious interest. A sudden burst of possessiveness sparked in Sarah, and she felt an unreasonable need to mark her territory. She wrapped her arm around his waist, leaning into him.
“Yes, I am,” she said, smiling sweetly at the woman before turning an adoring look on Jason. “I made him promise not to hold back either. The one special rule I allowed him to make is that he has to refrain from elbow and knee-strikes due to the height difference, while I can use any move I want.” He returned her smile, obvious affection radiating from his face. Shivers ran through her when his hand rubbed up and down her back, igniting a fire between her legs. No guy had ever affected her like this by touching innocent parts of her body. Maybe tonight? Last night was so close…
They stretched, geared up, and climbed into the ring. The women from the class, joined by a large number of trainers and instructors from the gym, surrounded them. The air was charged with excitement, cheers, and heckling rising from the floor.
“Last chance to bow out, Wainwright!” yelled Carter, the kickboxing instructor, just as the bell rang.
“Never!” he called back around his mouthpiece, and turned his face forward just in time to meet Sarah’s gloved fist. “What the hell, Sarah?”
“Bell rang, baby.” She bounced back and forth on the balls of her feet, smiling as wide as she could in the gear.
In no time, the two of them were tied in points, breathing heavily and soaked in sweat. After twenty minutes of back and forth, neither one wanted to concede the match. Jason missed a block, and her fist connected solidly with his ribs. He grunted, doubling over. She took the opportunity to bring her arm around and smashed her elbow into the side of his head. He fell back on the mat, arms flung wide.
“Oh shit, Jason!” She spit out her mouth guard, used her teeth to rip open the Velcro on her gloves, and tore her headgear off. “Jason, are you okay?” She unhooked his headgear and pulled out his mouthpiece carefully, not wanting to move his head too much. “Jason, can you hear me?” His eyes popped open, and a split second later, her mouth was against his.
****
Sarah was kicking his ass. He wasn’t holding back, but she was just too fast. And too little. It was difficult to fight someone a foot shorter than him. If he threw in the towel he’d never live it down—from her or the rest of the staff at the gym. Deciding to take a chance, he made a plan. He pinned his hopes on the fact that he’d woken up with her in his arms. If she wasn’t interested, she would have slept in her bed, right? And he certainly hadn’t missed her blatant claiming of him at the end of class. He’d almost burst out laughing at the disapproving look on her face when the other woman sized him up. Trusting that his assumptions were correct, he let her take him down.
Her fist slammed into his ribs, and he hunched over, hoping she’d take the opening. It didn’t require much acting. She was stronger than he’d realized and was hitting hard. A second later, her elbow connected with his head, and he let the momentum carry him. Closing his eyes, he landed on the mat and waited.
“Oh shit, Jason!” She took the bait, and he fought the urge to smile. Her knee dug into his side as she leaned over him. “Jason, are you okay?” He wanted so badly to nip at her fingers when she pulled his mouthpiece out. “Jason, can you hear me?” His eyes flew open, and he grinned like a fool at the shock on her face.
Reaching his arm up, he hooked it around the back of her head and pulled her down, locking his lips over hers. Catcalls, cheers, and whistles filled the air. “Hoo-ah!” The distinctive military shout rose from Carter, making Jason laugh.
Sarah struggled against him, pushing at his chest. He loosened his arm and she rose, fleeing the ring and running for the locker room.
“Ah, shit. Sarah, wait!” He ran through the crowd, dodging slaps on his back from some of the guys. “Sarah, stop, please.” He caught up with her in the hallway. “Sarah.” He touched her arm. She spun and smacked him, the sound echoing in the enclosed space. Of all the hits she’d delivered to him in the last half hour, that one hurt the most.
“What the fuck, Jason?” Tears ran freely down her cheeks.
“Sarah, I’m sorry.” She smacked him again. He knew he deserved it. “Please, forgive me.” He held her shoulders lightly, and she punched half-heartedly at his chest.
“Why, Jason, why did you have to do that?”
“I’m sorry.”
“You’re an asshole. And this time I mean it. You let me think I really hurt you.”
“I know. It was a stupid thing to do. I’m sorry.” He couldn’t say it enough.
“I saw you there, and all I could think of was how I’d knocked Alex out, and I don’t ever want to hurt you like that. I’d never forgive myself.” If she hadn’t cried on his shoulder so often over the years, he wouldn’t have understood the words that poured out in a rush through her sobs.
“I know, baby. I’m sorry. It wasn’t funny. It was a bad idea.” Suddenly, her words registered in his brain. “So, you’re not mad at me for kissing you, but because you thought you’d hurt me?”
“Yeah,” she sniffed. “I should kick your ass.”
“I’ve got news for you, baby—you were kicking my ass.” He stepped closer to her, cupping her chin in one hand.
“Really?” She backed up against the wall.
“Yeah.” He braced his hands against the wall on either side of her head.
“So that’s why you went down then?” She pressed her body into his, tilting her head up.
“One of the reasons.” He brought his head down.
“To do this,” he said, closing the remaining distance between them.
The world around him ceased to exist. The only thing that mattered was her body against his, her mouth devouring his, her tongue demanding entrance. This is what a first kiss should be like. She kissed him back as hungrily as he kissed her. She wrapped her arms around his neck and grabbed two handfuls of hair. His hands found her ass and lifted her, holding her body against the wall with his own. She locked her legs around his waist, grinding against him, and whimpered when he pushed back.
“Jason.” His name sounded divine the way she said it, all breathy and full of need. She moaned when he dropped his mouth to her ear and nipped at the lobe.
“I love you, Sarah.” he whispered.
Her body went rigid beneath him.
“Sarah?” He pulled back, confused by the fright in her eyes.
“No, no, no, don’t say that.”
He didn’t know what to do. Or what he’d done, really. She wanted him. The way she’d responded to him made that perfectly obvious.
“What…why, Sags?”
“Just don’t.” Unlocking her legs, she pushed him away and slid down to the floor. “I’m sorry.” She ran into the women’s locker room, leaving him stranded, not entirely sure how he’d managed to screw that up so fast. It had to be a new world record.
She avoided him for the rest of the week. Long, agonizing days of not talking to her. Not finding out what was going on in her head. Not seeing her smile, or hearing her laugh. Nothing. No returned phone calls or texts.
Friday, he decided to bail on his dad and didn’t go to work. He spent the morning cleaning the house ceiling to floor. He was high on pine and bleach fumes, but it no longer looked like the bachelor pad pigsty it had. After driving his battered old truck to the store, he set about prepping for Sarah’s favorite dinner. He just hoped it would be enough.
****
That week, Sarah delayed coming home at night as long as she could. Her boss let her flex her schedule to avoid running into Jason at the gym.
Today, it was a therapist appointment that would bring her home late. She’d scheduled it this morning, not realizing what number she was dialing until she heard the receptionist’s voice. It was her first appointment in almost three months.
“I was surprised to receive your call,” Dr. Long said once they’d sat.
“I was surprised to make it, to be honest.”
“It’s been a while since you called. What brings you in, sweetie?” A transplanted Texas girl, Dr. Long still had her accent after ten years of living in Upstate New York.
Sarah exhaled a long sigh. “Well, I guess this starts a while back. The reason I stopped coming in is because I started spending more time with my friend Jason.” Dr. Long nodded; Sarah had spent many sessions talking about him. “And, well, somewhere along the line, I became attracted to him. Not just some, ‘oh, he’s hot,’ type thing either. I want to screw his brains out.”
“This bothers you?”
“It did. It still kinda does.” After a moment of silence from the doctor, Sarah continued. “It bothers me because he’s my best friend. He’s been like a brother to me for so many years. He’s done more for me in the past eight months than I can ever repay him for.”
“Is Jason the first man to spark your interest since Alex?”
“Yes. That’s part of why I’m so confused. I mean, am I just settling for my friend because I’m too scared to get back out there? It’s not even that, though. He stirs feelings in me that nobody ever has before.”
“I think you’re afraid, Sarah.”
“I’m not afraid of getting hurt again. I know I can defend myself. Last Saturday, I went on a poker run with Jason, and at the last bar, Alex appeared. He started yelling at me, saying I’d ruined his life by lying about him, all kinds of crazy shit. Jason was in the bathroom. At first I just stood there, completely frozen, but then I snapped. He said, ‘You stupid bitch. Maybe I should really beat the shit out of you, just to teach you a lesson,’ and grabbed me by the back of the head. I spun right out of his hold and kicked him in the head so hard that I knocked him out. I broke the heel off my boot doing it, too. I bought this amazing pair of leather knee boots for riding with Jason, and it was the first time I’d worn them. I’m still pissed about that. I paid seventy-five dollars on sale for five hours of usage.”
Dr. Long smiled wide. “You told me two very different things there. Before I comment, tell me what happened after the Alex incident.”
“After the cops left, Jason brought me home and I asked him to stay with me. I didn’t want to be alone. I was pretty shaken. So he stayed, and then on Sunday I went with him to the gym and I talked to the women in the self-defense class, told them my story.”
“That’s wonderful. How did that go?”
“Really well. I think it helped them to see that someone as small as me can stand her ground and fight back. After the class, though…” She trailed off, shifting uncomfortably in the chair.
“You’re fidgeting. What else happened?” Dr. Long prodded.
She sighed. Keeping her head down, she picked at the hem of her skirt as she answered. “Jason kissed me.”
“I take it this wasn’t a brotherly kiss?”
“Hell no.” Sarah laughed. “No, it was one of those earth-shattering, soul-blistering kisses, where you forget how to think and can’t breathe and you just drown in the other person.”
“And this was a problem for you? You said you liked him.”
“I did. I do.”
“Did enjoy the kiss? Kiss him back?”
“Oh yes.”
“So…?” She let the question hang, waiting for Sarah to answer.
“He told me he loved me,” she finally whispered.
“Ah. And that’s what really has you upset. I’m guessing you haven’t spoken about that since?”
Sarah shook her head and wiped a tear from her eye.
“Why does this make you cry?”
“Because I don’t know what to do.” She finally brought her head up and met the other woman’s gaze across the desk. “I don’t know how I feel. I’ve avoided him all week. He calls or texts me every day, and I don’t know what to say, so I don’t answer.”
Dr. Long stretched back in her chair, hands folded in her lap. “Here’s what I think. The first thing you told me is that you have come through the whole Alex situation a much stronger person mentally. You didn’t let him get to you. You stood up to him, and for that I am very proud of you. You should be proud of yourself. It’s easy to fall back into old habits when conflict and stress arise.”
Sarah smiled weakly. Her mother had gushed over her on the phone that night, and Jason had been full of praise as well. It had felt so good, so cathartic to hit Alex, unleashing all her anger about everything he’d done to her.
“The second thing you told me is more important,” Dr. Long continued. “When you glossed over what happened at the bar, and focused on the fact that you bought those boots for Jason, and that’s why you were mad they broke, you told me how you feel about Jason. This is huge for you. He’s the first guy you’ve taken an interest in since you started seeing me.”
“But I told you already that I like him.”
“I think it’s much more than just like, Sarah. What happened when he told you he loves you? What did you feel? Tell me.”
She thought a moment. “I got scared. I panicked. I ran away.”
“Why?”
“He’s my best friend. I wouldn’t know what to do without him if we started a relationship and it didn’t work out.”
“Yet you’ve been without him all week. How has this week gone?”
She laughed bitterly. “It’s sucked.”
“Have you figured it out yet, Sarah? Or do I need to spell it ou
t for you?”
Warmth spread through her as she thought about Jason. Fear, overpowered by excitement. By hope. Wiping away the last of the tears, she smiled. “I think I’ve got it,” she said, standing. “Thank you for listening.”
“Any time. It’s what I’m here for.” She came around her desk and gave Sarah a hug. “I’m happy for you. Now go talk to that boy.”
Chapter Four
Standing angled away from her line of sight so she wouldn’t see him, Jason watched from his window as Sarah picked up the bouquet of flowers he’d left on her doorstep. He could tell as soon as she got out of the car that something was different about her today. Her posture was relaxed for the first time all week. Whatever she’d been working through, she must have come to a conclusion. She buried her face in the flowers before looking over to his house. When he saw the smile on her lips, he started to breathe again.
Shortly after she went inside, he received a text message from her. Be there in 30, it read. She’d accepted his invitation.
Maybe.
He hoped.
Twenty-nine minutes later, she knocked on the back door. It was a completely unnecessary thing to do, since he’d openly watched her walk across the lawn from the kitchen window. She’d stared right back at him, too. He tried to not grin like a fool when he opened the door. She hasn’t said anything yet, man. Don’t count your chickens before they’re hatched.
“Hi,” he said.
“Hi, yourself.” She smiled up at him. Smiling is a good sign. “Thank you for the flowers. I love them, but of course you knew that. I can’t believe you remembered that gerbera daisies are my favorite.”
“Would it sound stalker-creepy of me if I said I remember everything you tell me?”
“A little, yeah, if I didn’t know you.”
He grinned. “Good thing you’ve known me for the past thirty-ish years then. You coming in?” She hadn’t walked right in like she normally did, but he figured that after last weekend, she was feeling him out.