All That the Heart Desires

by June Moonbridge

  “I’ll be fine,” I finally managed to say. However, I felt comfortable watching him eat his breakfast. Memories from our mornings in Nice came back to me and when he looked at me and smiled I knew he was reading my mind. His smile told me everything.

  Daniel acted as if he hadn’t noticed and started to talk about the afternoon’s race. Third position was not the best, but with the right manoeuvre at the start, Lorcan could soon lead. I wondered what he would do if those planned strategies didn’t turn out right.

  They had finished with their food in thirty minutes and I had completed my third cup of coffee. I had a reproachful look from both men, but coffee and grapefruit juice were all I was able to swallow. They stood up and left. I stayed behind at the table as I was in no hurry. I also started to wonder how come the leading star was not in a hurry to get back to the circuit to look after his car and start making final arrangements with his engineers.

  When I poured myself the fourth cup of coffee, the dining room door opened again and Lorcan came back. His face was a mixture of reluctance with a smile. I wasn’t sure what he was thinking. Coming to the table, he put his hand on my shoulder and almost lifted me up.

  “Oh, no, you don’t!” was all he said and he led me out of the restaurant and through the lobby to the elevators. I was wondering where he was leading me until we stopped at the heliport on the hotel roof. A helicopter was already there waiting.

  He didn’t look at me, just led me to the running chopper, holding my head down. Only when we were in, both wearing headphones, and airborne did he speak.

  “You missed your ride with the car.” I shook my head and looked out the window.

  Four hours at the circuit passed quickly. I couldn’t imagine how much work needed to be done, although most of the men almost slept with the car, while working on it. Everything had to be in place. Even a small mistake on the car or with the connections or … well, everything was important.

  Strange, but Crest was already in the garage when we arrived. I wondered how fast the driver must have driven to beat the helicopter. When all the drivers went to the Drivers’ Track Parade to greet the fans around the circuit, he came closer to me. We were both silent watching the screens hanging from the ceilings.

  “You haven’t eaten.” He was right. I was unable to eat because of wrecked nerves. I’d watched many races in my life; however, I had never been so close and never seen or heard anything to match what I’d seen during those three days.

  “Did you learn anything useful?” he continued, while we were watching the drivers standing on the trailer, which was driving them around the circuit.

  Before I got a chance to answer, he spoke again.

  “Yesterday evening, I mean.” Only then our eyes met again, finally leaving the television screens.

  “Is she really…?” I started slowly to format a question, but was interrupted.

  “Yes, she is.” And with that our conversation was over. I didn’t ask anything else and he never gave me any additional answers or explanations. He was called to the Chief of Mechanics and I was left alone feeling really stupid.

  I was angry with Harry for pushing me into this situation, so I took out the mobile and texted him a simple message: I won’t be coming back to Paris! This was really almost the last straw. How could he have done this to me? I knew he wanted the contract with a Formula 1 team, but he could have chosen another team.

  The drivers came back to the garage and Lorcan had only enough time to change into his coverall and check all the other equipment that he needed to stay safe. At that moment I stopped pretending I wasn’t looking. I found myself staring at him, but luckily the cap managed to cover my eyes. Looking at his face I saw his thoughts were all about the car and the race and that was actually the most important thing.

  Just before getting into the cockpit of the car, he looked at me and pointed to his ears. I didn’t understand what he was trying to tell me. Finally, he leaned over to Bobby still watching over ‘his’ tyre and I saw he was giving him some instructions. When my eyes met Bobby’s I took out my earplugs and showed them to him, but he just smiled and shook his head. I didn’t know what to think.

  As Lorcan finally sat into the car, Bobby said something to another man in the garage and, soon after, the man had gone out across the pit-lanes and out of my sight. Bobby looked at me and nodded. I knew we were only moments away from starting the car. I put my earplugs in and saw his thumbs go up.

  Lorcan was ready to leave the garage and we all waited, wondering what he was waiting for. He drove out only when the man who had left the garage returned, with the mechanics following him. He needed to do his reconnaissance lap of the circuit before taking up his grid position. Once on the starting position, the car had to be thoroughly checked again.

  Being one of the guys who kept the tyres warm, Bobby left and all I was able to do was follow Lorcan on the screens like many other racing fans. Only a few people remained where I was.

  Twenty minutes passed and suddenly all the buzzing on the racetrack started to increase. The cars were put back on the track and a few moments later motors started to run. The noise became louder and louder and not long after, the technical staff, who were the last ones remaining on the racetrack, started to run off from the track. I’d always smiled at that scene and today was no different. I understood their hurry, but it was fun watching them, nevertheless.

  I hadn’t seen Bobby approaching and almost jumped out of my skin with fright when he did.

  “Bobby…” I started but he stopped me by raising his hand. He offered me the big headphones.

  “What?” I asked him, taking out the earplugs. The noise became louder and louder. We all knew the formation lap was coming to an end and in a few seconds the race would begin. Bobby didn’t wait and wasted no more time explaining. He put the headphones on my head. The noise was reduced to a minimum immediately.

  I lifted my shoulders, confused. Bobby put his forefinger on his lips and put his left hand on his ear … I understood. Shut up and listen!

  At that time the red lights started to light up and, as at home, I started to count them down. Soon they were turned off and all the cars were off too. I found myself holding my breath while watching the nearby screen.

  The cars were almost tyre-to-tyre at Variante del Rettifilo, the first sharp, S-bend. It bent almost ninety degrees to the start-finish line and then afterwards an even sharper left turn. Most of the chances to get a better position had to happen before reaching the turn, but the drivers had to be careful as they were all bunched up together. It was no wonder that some of them lost parts of their cars.

  Seeing Lorcan coming out of the Variante del Rettifilo with his car intact and in second place, I was relieved. The first turn was behind them and around the track the car gained a much needed advantage before the second lap.

  Then I heard his voice, asking me if I was there. I was left speechless as I didn’t realise he was actually talking to me. The headphones were connected to Lorcan sitting in the cockpit.

  Somehow, I managed slowly to leave my place at the back of garage and stood closer to the pit lane. I saw Crest turning away from the screens on the pit wall and look over at the garage.

  When I didn’t answer Lorcan’s questions and calls, I heard him asking if I was there and listening to him. At the same time cars drove by for the second lap and in a few seconds all the raging thunder was gone again.

  “Desiree, please listen…”

  Finally, I was able to speak.

  “Are you nuts? Shut up and drive!” Although the technical staff wore headphones or earplugs, I must have shouted really loudly as I received several strange looks.

  But it was Lorcan’s laughter that surprised me.

  “Boy, I’ve missed you!” All I saw was Daniel smiling behind his monitors and screens and I couldn’t believe what was happening.

  “Would you stop? This is not a joke!” I hissed.

  “I know,” I heard his voice aga
in when the cars drove by starting another lap. He was still second, but closing in on the leader. “But neither are we. We need to talk.”

  “Not now.” I managed to swallow the lump in my throat. “Don’t want to be heard on television.”

  “We won’t be. This frequency was set just between you and me…”

  “Doesn’t matter. Focus on the drive otherwise we won’t have anything to talk about later.” There was silence afterwards and I almost sighed. He realised that his focus on the track was more important.

  For the third, fourth and fifth lap nothing thrilling happened and, unexpectedly, I heard him again.

  “Do you promise?”

  “Christ!” I jumped with surprise. I really thought he’d reconsider the sanity of talking to me during the race.

  “What?” I barked again.

  “Do you promise we’ll talk?”

  I was silent.

  “If you don’t, I’ll talk now.”

  “You can’t.”

  “Yes I can, and I’ll blame you for not winning today’s race.”

  “I promise.” I gritted my teeth.

  “Promise what?”

  “I’ll listen to you after the race.” His laughter was boyish.

  “Look at the screen,” he said. He had overtaken the leader in Curva Biassono and the noise of cheering in the garage was unbearable. Bobby looked at me and showed me both thumbs up and several of his colleagues copied him. I felt the blood rushing into my cheeks.

  The next fifteen laps were fairly uneventful. Lorcan gained more and more seconds of advantage and many interesting things happened behind him as the drivers fought for their places. It looked like they’d given up the battle against him already, although the second part of the season had barely started.

  He came in during the twenty-second lap to change his tyres and right after that I left the box through the back door. I needed to walk. I wasn’t satisfied with just looking at the screens. I was able to do that at home. I needed to breathe with the rest of the spectators.

  Although I was not familiar with the place, I managed to find the way from the closely locked inner sanctum of the garages and pit lane, to the first turn towards the race. I was not sure how far the earphones would stay locked on the signal of the team radio but I was still able to listen.

  I knew that people who watched the race must have thought I was lost, dressed in team clothes and wearing headphones, but I didn’t look around. Although Lorcan came back on track after changing his tyres, he was getting his position back soon, as the other drivers needed to change their tyres.

  I was listening to the conversation between the team trackside operations director and Lorcan, commenting on the situation on the track and the way the car behaved. If there was even a slight concern from Lorcan that the car wasn’t behaving as he thought it should, they checked their computers and managed to solve the problems without calling him back in.

  Every now and then I stopped as cars passed me by and that was a thrill.

  I was walking straight towards the Curva Biassono, when my heart sank and felt as if it had actually stopped beating for a few moments. Lorcan’s voice was loud, but strangely calm.

  “Brakes! I don’t have brakes!”

  He was just passing Variante del Rettifilo facing forward, without turning, and in few moments he passed me by and crashed into the fence in Curva Biassono with all the speed the car had gained from the start-finish line.

  People on the bleachers stood up in silence and I started to run to where the car had crashed. I barely saw the track personnel waving yellow flags, signalling other drivers about the danger. Although the car had not bounced back onto the track, they needed to take every precaution. I was praying Lorcan had got out of the car.

  Many people were around his car, but I couldn’t see him. The front left side of the car was completely missing. The left front wheel was broken and bounced to the other side of the car that was barely holding onto the chassis.

  I didn’t realise I was crying out his name, holding on to the fence on the other side of the road from where the crash happened. Suddenly I heard his voice.

  “I’m … fine … just … my leg…” and that was all. The medical car came and when I heard the helicopter, I turned back and started running back to the garage.

  “Desiree, get back here! NOW!” Crest was shouting. People gave me space and the track personnel helped me get back without any additional questions.

  The race continued behind the safety car and all the team members were on their feet watching the screens intensely.

  “What happened?” I yelled. Bobby came over.

  “Everything is okay. He just crashed the car. It’s not the first time…”

  “His leg … He said his leg…” His eyes became big and I saw that other people were looking at me too.

  “What?” Bobby asked.

  “I don’t know. It was all he said to me … ‘Just my leg’!”

  “Wait here!” Bobby ran across the pit lane to the pit wall where the chief engineers, along with Crest, were still seated. He had to be careful as many of other drivers had decided to get into the pit to change their tyres. That was the smartest thing to do as all the drivers had had to slow down after the safety car and overtaking was not allowed.

  When he came back, without saying a word, he took my arm and led me out of the garage. We were passing the communication centre when I heard the helicopter blades. As I’d put the earphones down in the garage when I came back in, the sound was something I didn’t want to hear. It made me turn and look up. What I saw was a medical helicopter and all I could do was hold my breath.

  Bobby looked at me and forced me to follow him. Crest’s driver was already waiting.

  “What.?” I started to ask, but was just pushed to the open back door.

  “He’s going to hospital. Crest will come as soon as the race is over.” He turned and ran back. I didn’t want to understand them, but I had to. They still had one driver in the race and they needed to take care of him the same way as they cared for Lorcan: that was their way of life. .

  Getting through those hours in the hospital was just like surviving the hours after my son was taken from me: I was the same lost wreck as I was then. I never imagined I would have to live through that again. I paced up and down the hallway in front of the operating theatre where they’d taken him immediately after the chopper landed.

  His left leg was injured. Tibia fractures, I was told; being the largest man in Formula 1 was not a benefit. I just prayed that everything would go well.

  Before the operation had ended Crest arrived and kept me company. I couldn’t speak, but he filled me in with information from the track and afterwards with news from the doctors regarding Lorcan’s status.

  “Calm down. It’s not life threatening,” he said and took my arm, leading me towards the room where Lorcan had been taken after surgery. In spite of this news, I was barely breathing. And there he was, lying still on the white bed, with hospital apparatus around him monitoring his every heartbeat, his every breath. When I saw him, my eyes filled with tears that started to run down my cheeks. I had nothing to wipe them away with but my hands.

  I extended my stay in Milano for the whole week. My text to Harry soon became the truth. I was not going back to Paris because I stayed in Milano, mostly in the hospital during the nights when I knew Lorcan was asleep. I did my sleeping during the days. I was not ready to face him, afraid I might cry in front of him and that was the last thing he needed.

  Crest left on Monday as he had to, but stayed in touch with the doctors and me. He gave them permission to tell me everything that was going on. Crest called me every day so that I could keep him updated with any information I had from the hospital.

  Harry called me every day too; including the Sunday afternoon after the accident. Although our last conversation had been an argument, we forgot about it. He was genuine in his worry about Lorcan and, of course, about me. He wanted to
join me, but I told him there was no need to. I was a big girl and could manage on my own.

  “Yes you are. I’m sorry I haven’t treated you that way for the last couple of weeks.”

  That was his apology and I knew it was sincere.

  By the end of the week as soon as I was informed Lorcan would be transferred to England and to home care, I decided to leave immediately. Before I managed to do so, I was told by the lead doctor they would only allow him to leave the facility if accompanied by someone he trusted, and Lorcan had told them that was me. I wasn’t sure what I was supposed to do, but in the end, I knew I had no other choice. I had to escort him to England and eventually face him too.

  Friday was not an easy day for me. The morning nurse instructed me to come back at two o’clock in the afternoon, as we would be taken to the airport by the ambulance and the doctor wanted me to escort him.

  “I still don’t understand. I’m not trained in medicine.” She smiled and in a strong Italian accent told me that those were the doctor’s orders. I sighed and left before she woke Lorcan to check his temperature.

  I came back later. I’d managed to catch up on some sleep but then, I was woken by Harry who was packing my things. I was surprised to see him there.

  “You have two hours,” he told me and left my bedroom. I barely managed to get myself together before joining him.

  “What game are you all playing with me again?” I asked him, without saying hello.

  “It’s not a game,” he turned around and sat in an armchair.

  “What then?” I insisted. He looked at me.

  “Get ready. After that we will have lunch and then I will drive you to the hospital. Afterwards, I will tell you what I have been asked.”

  “You?”

  “Desiree, please. Everything is ready and we don’t want to be late. Please do as I ask.” I looked at him. He was treating me like a child again. Something had happened to Harry and I didn’t know what. I headed for the bathroom.