Secrets 03 - Shattered Secrets

by Lana Williams

  Their voices faded as they reached the landing and continued up the stairs. He remained where he was, wondering whether he was making the right decisions for himself or the girls. Either alternative seemed painful. Where did that leave any of them?

  He needed Moira. He needed her to take his place and be a permanent part of Addie and Amelia’s lives. Then they wouldn’t care if he was here or not. It was the only solution, but how could he convince Moira that she should agree to the marriage of convenience he’d proposed?

  With a weight on his shoulders, he turned toward the library to deal with some correspondence he’d ignored thus far. He hadn’t been working long when the door opened.

  “How did you know?” Moira stood there, hatless, her hair loose from its normal neat chignon as though she’d run across the meadow.

  He leaned back in his chair, trying to gauge her mood even as he breathed a sigh of relief to see her bright aura. “How did I know what?”

  She reached up to check her hair. “Why do you do that?”

  “You have many questions this afternoon, but I fear I don’t know to what you’re referring in either one.”

  She moved closer. “You always study my hair. Is it not to your liking?”

  “It’s quite lovely.” He could only hope she wouldn’t pursue the question. Creating an excuse for checking her aura each time he saw her would be difficult but neither could he offer her the truth. From her frown, he had to assume she found his response less than satisfactory.

  “Never mind.” She waved away the topic. “How did you know Mrs. Smythe wouldn’t recover?”

  “Did she pass away?” He rose, now realizing the reason for her odd mood. Her answer was apparent in her expression. “I’m terribly sorry to hear that.”

  “Sorry but not surprised.” She drew even nearer, watching him.

  He hesitated, uncertain how to respond. What could he say that she’d actually believe? “From what Mr. Smythe told me, I had to assume his wife was suffering from a rather serious illness.”

  “I don’t believe you.”

  “What possible reason could I have to lie?” He was curious as to what she thought. It wasn’t as if she could guess the truth—that he could see the shadow of death on a person with a single glance.

  “You said it with such certainty.” She studied him so closely that he wanted to fidget like a young lad caught feeding the dog under the dinner table.

  “Did I?” He decided the best option at this juncture was to change the subject. “How is Mr. Smythe faring?”

  “He’s heartbroken. They were married for over sixty years.” As he opened his mouth to respond, she narrowed her eyes. “I ask you again. How did you know?”

  He reached out to touch the softness of her cheek. As he looked into her luminous green eyes, he was tempted to tell her the truth. He’d kept this terrible secret for so long. The idea of sharing it with her was appealing for reasons he didn’t care to explore.

  Yet fear had him biting back the words. She’d think him crazed. She’d look at him with fear in those eyes just as others had when he’d allowed something to slip. He couldn’t stand that.

  “It was only speculation. Nothing more.”

  Her continued scrutiny was becoming unbearable, especially when she knew him so well. He couldn’t risk her learning his secrets.

  “Moira,” he whispered. Before he had time to consider what he was doing, he kissed her.

  Moira’s mind went blank and sensation took over. The heat of his mouth on hers was glorious. He held one hand along her cheek, holding her so gently and tenderly.

  This was what she wanted. Lucas. Passion. Love. While she held no hope that she could have the latter, she could certainly give it. She had to wonder if that would be enough. She’d loved Lucas for so long. Wasn’t having this small part of him better than having nothing?

  He made no move to take their kiss further, but she told herself this was adequate. At least for now.

  Finally she eased back to look up at him. “Lucas?”

  He pressed his lips to hers again as though unable to resist. “Yes.”

  “Yes.” She reached up on her toes to kiss him.

  “Yes, what?” He returned the favor.

  “Yes, I’ll marry you.”

  He jerked back, his gaze searching hers as though wondering if she jested. His expression was unreadable.

  “On one condition,” she continued, hoping with her entire being that he’d agree.

  His brow furrowed. “And what is that?”

  “I want a child of our own.” As she feared, he released her and stepped back.

  “That is not possible.”

  “Why?” Had he been injured in more ways than just his eye?

  “A child is not part of my future.”

  “Neither were the twins, I imagine.” Though her heart thundered with fear, she refused to give up. This was too important for both Lucas and her. Whether he realized it or not, he needed her as much as she needed him and not only because of Addie and Amelia.

  She couldn’t let go of her desire for a family. While she loved the girls, she wanted to experience motherhood in all its facets. Having been an only child, she had always hoped to have a large family. She might not be able to have that with Lucas, but she had to try.

  “Quite inconvenient for you, I’m sure,” she added.

  He scoffed. “That’s hardly the problem.”

  “Then what is?”

  He shook his head, keeping his back to her.

  “You think I’m good enough to act as a mother to Markus’s children but not yours?”

  “No. Don’t be ridiculous.”

  She bit her lip, bracing herself for the question she had to ask. Perhaps she’d misunderstood his kisses. “You don’t…care for me in that way?”

  He turned to look at her, frowning, and she realized he didn’t understand what she meant.

  Asking it twice made it all the more embarrassing. “I don’t…appeal to you in a physical way?”

  “You always have, Moira. You’re a very attractive woman.”

  His answer pleased her but how could she truly believe him when he wouldn’t look at her?

  “Then can you not…perform…as a husband?” She felt her cheeks heat at her question, but it had to be asked.

  He stared at her blankly for a moment as though not grasping her meaning. “Christ, no. That’s not the problem either.”

  “Then what is it?”

  “I can’t explain. It’s impossible.” Again he shook his head, putting a hand to his temple as though a headache threatened. “You ask too much of me.”

  Pain, sharp and brutal, stole her breath. That was it then. Her last chance. She’d made her request and he’d denied it. No tears came. She felt completely numb.

  “I see.” She didn’t know why she’d said that, because she didn’t see at all.

  She left him staring at the window, rubbing his head and closed the door quietly behind her.

  Somehow she needed to determine how she could manage to be there for the girls but avoid Lucas. Once she regained her breath that was.

  But not now. Not yet. Now she only wanted to go home. Her breath hitched with each step as she walked down the front steps toward home, a sign of the tears to come.

  Tomorrow she’d determine a way to move forward with her life.

  CHAPTER ELEVEN

  Two long days and nights passed before Lucas was able to beat back the pain and darkness that took over his world after Moira left.

  Tiago had delivered food but Lucas had little appetite. He’d attempted to drink away the pain the first night but the brandy had done nothing. The bout was one of his worst thus far. For a time, he’d feared the pain and despair would never end. That he’d be left in the dark hole for the rest of his life.

  The relentless pounding in his head finally eased enough that he could consider leaving his bedroom.

  Though tempted to send for Moira, he’d resisted.
Her clever fingers and herbal remedy had certainly aided him last time, but he doubted she’d be willing to help after his refusal to agree to her terms.

  Marrying her and walking away would’ve been difficult. Making love to her and walking away would be damn near impossible. The passion he felt for Moira was undeniable. And he feared it would easily bloom into so much more.

  Yet if he didn’t take her for his wife, what was he to do with Addie and Amelia?

  The idea of seeing Moira and the girls’ auras continually was intolerable. If he agreed to her proposal, he’d have to do the same with his own children. Watching every moment of the day to see if they would live or die would be…

  He couldn’t even think of a word for it. Impossible. Unbearable. No. None of those were strong enough. He couldn’t do it. It was too much to ask of anyone and might cause him to lose the fragile hold he had on his sanity.

  He made his way to the nursery, still feeling brittle but anxious to see the girls. Damned if he hadn’t missed them. He opened the door only to find the room empty. Surprised, he went down to the drawing room but didn’t find them there either.

  “Where are the girls?” he asked Tollers as the older man passed through the hall.

  “Miss Dorsey took them to her home for the day, my lord,” Tollers answered with a smile. “She thought they needed a change of scenery.”

  “Very well.” What were they doing there? Lucas wanted to walk across the meadow and join them. Yet he didn’t believe he’d be welcomed.

  “Is there anything you need?”

  “No. Nothing.” Restless, he went to the library and sat at his desk but couldn’t bring himself to deal with any of the papers awaiting his review. The manor was too quiet.

  He rose from his desk to stare out the window toward the meadow. This was how Brazil would be, he reminded himself. It would be quiet. And he would be alone again.

  Alone.

  Again.

  With a sigh and a heaviness in his chest, he reached out to touch the window facing the direction of Moira’s house—where she and Amelia and Addie were.

  What he’d thought he wanted had been so clear. But now he no longer knew. Either path before him seemed impossible. How could he return to Brazil? No more than he could remain here, hiding his terrible secrets.

  Yet he knew one thing—he couldn’t remain in this limbo much longer. Right or wrong, the time had come to take action.

  *

  Moira and the girls spent an hour in the large herb garden she maintained that her grandmother had started. The day was cool and overcast but still pleasant enough to remain outside. Though she’d picked most of what she could as autumn brought cooler temperatures, a few plants remained.

  She showed Amelia and Addie herbs for cooking and herbs for healing, all while trying to mask her sadness and worry from them. Sadness because Lucas had refused her. Worry because he was ‘indisposed’ yet again, according to Tollers. She’d spoken briefly with Tiago who’d seemed as worried as she about Lucas’s condition. He’d been indisposed for two full days thus far.

  A light drizzle drove them inside to the kitchen where the cook had aprons for the girls so they could help her bake biscuits. Her father joined them for a time as well. Moira sipped a cup of tea as the girls rolled out dough and cut it into round shapes.

  Yet despite all the activity and conversation, her thoughts remained on Lucas. Was he ill? Was he dying? Was that why he held himself apart?

  His rejection of her proposal had cut deeply but something about it didn’t make sense. Did his refusal have anything to do with the terrible bouts from which he suffered?

  Or was it simply because he didn’t find her desirable? While she had thought he felt something for her based on the kisses they’d shared…and the lovely interlude beneath his desk…perhaps that hadn’t been what she thought.

  Those questions circled endlessly as Moira smiled at the girls’ antics and the cook’s endless patience with them.

  She pondered the wisdom of pressing Lucas further to tell her what was wrong. How could she help him if she didn’t know what ailed him? While part of her was certain he’d only refuse, she knew she had to try. After all, she loved him. A sense of peace filled her as she said it again in her mind. She loved him.

  She couldn’t bear to see him suffer. Not if she could help as a healer.

  With a sigh, she realized that despite her wish to avoid him, it seemed she needed to speak with him after all.

  *

  Moira greeted Richard, a footman from the manor who stood in her foyer the next morning.

  “A message for you, miss. His lordship requests a response if possible.”

  She opened the envelope, uncertain what sort of message it might contain.

  The boldly scrawled letters were familiar, but the words were a complete surprise.

  May I have the honor of your company

  at dinner this evening?

  Lucas

  What could this mean? He must want to discuss their relationship. Once again, hope warred with caution. She had no idea what to make of the invitation.

  “Is there an answer, miss?” Richard asked.

  “Yes.” Heat flooded her cheeks at the idea of spending an evening with Lucas. She read the message again, wondering what the purpose might be.

  Richard waited until she looked up again. “Would that be yes, there’s an answer, or yes, in response to the message?”

  She smiled, unable to stop the anticipation filling her. “Yes to both.”

  “I will deliver your reply.” He returned her smile, bowed, and took his leave.

  “Who was that, Moira?” Her father frowned at the door.

  “A footman from the manor. Lord Berkmond has asked me for dinner.”

  “Excellent. What time do we need to arrive?”

  She stared at him, wanting dearly to insist he remain home.

  “You weren’t planning on going without a proper chaperone, were you?”

  “I visit the manor all the time without one.” In truth, the idea hadn’t crossed her mind.

  “A social invitation is quite another matter.” He shook his head. “You can’t have a private dinner with the earl without the entire village talking about it. Already there are whispers about the two of you.”

  “Of course, Father.” Her excitement dimmed. How could she and Lucas possibly discuss all they needed to with her father there? She’d be willing to place a wager that Lucas hadn’t thought of the issue of a chaperone either.

  Even worse, she had no idea what to wear.

  *

  Lucas rose as Moira entered the drawing room, surprised to realize he was nervous. He still wasn’t certain what he’d hoped would be the outcome of this supper.

  The impulse that had struck him to issue the invitation wouldn’t leave until the footman had carried away the message. He knew inviting Moira for a social event would change the basis of their relationship. He told himself he hoped to convince her to accept his original offer of a marriage of convenience.

  Wasn’t it?

  He nearly groaned when he caught sight of her father directly behind her. How stupid of him to have thought the two of them could have dinner together. The rules of society must be followed, especially when one’s father was the local vicar.

  “Good evening, my lord,” Moira greeted him with a curtsy. She looked especially lovely tonight. Her soft lavender gown revealed the creaminess of her neck and shoulders. Small pearls were sewn into the fabric around the neck. Her blonde hair was drawn back into an intricate chignon with a few tendrils left to frame her face.

  Somehow her formal attire made him see her differently. She wasn’t merely Moira, but a beautiful woman with whom any man would be lucky to spend an evening.

  His heart beat a bit faster.

  “You remember my father?” She turned and Lucas tore his gaze from her to the older man.

  “Of course.” Lucas exchanged pleasantries with him, relieved to see h
is aura still bright despite the obvious signs of aging.

  “Allow me to express my condolences for the loss of your brother.”

  “Thank you.” He still had a difficult time realizing Markus was truly gone. At times, it seemed as though he was merely away and at any moment, he’d come striding through the door.

  “We’re pleased to have you back from Brazil,” Mr. Dorsey continued. “I’ve always found information on that country fascinating. How did you spend your time over there?”

  “Botany.”

  The older man frowned at Lucas even as Moira gave him a pointed look, making him realize he should expand his answer.

  “I have an extensive greenhouse there.”

  “I remember how inquisitive you were with Moira’s grandmother, always asking what this or that plant was,” Mr. Dorsey said.

  “Her extensive knowledge started my interest,” Lucas admitted. “I also indulged my interest in geology in Brazil. The country has many fascinating rocks and minerals.”

  He offered them both a sherry as they visited further. Moira was especially interested in the plants he’d experimented with. Soon he began to relax. In some ways, it was nice having Moira’s father there, for it changed their conversation, forcing them to speak of subjects they might not have otherwise.

  The topic moved to events in the village, the passing of poor Mrs. Smythe, and of course, Amelia and Addie.

  “Such a pity those precious girls have lost both their mother and their father. And to think his lordship was murdered.” Mr. Dorsey shook his head. “These are terrible times.”

  “Indeed they are.”

  “I’m sure you’ll be looking for a wife now that you’ve inherited.”

  “Father.” Moira appeared appalled at her father’s words.

  “He has two young girls to raise. I doubt he’ll be doing so on his own.”

  The practicality of the statement had Lucas covering a smile.

  “He’ll be returning to Brazil soon.” Moira raised a brow as though daring him to disagree.

  “That will be an interesting place for the girls to live.”

  “My plans are still uncertain,” Lucas responded. “I have many things to resolve both here and in London before I think about leaving and whether the twins will accompany me.” He held Moira’s gaze, for his relationship with her was certainly one of them.