by Rae, Rachel
I suddenly came back to reality from wherever the hell I had been. I had a boyfriend. An amazing boyfriend who loved me and could have anyone he wanted, but chose me. He didn’t deserve a cheating girlfriend. I sat up and pushed James away slightly.
He looked down at me, breathing hard, with confusion in his eyes.
“James I—” I couldn’t say it. Here he was protecting me and locked up in a safe house for nine months, and I couldn’t bring myself to tell him I had a boyfriend. A serious boyfriend, at that.
“What, baby. Tell me, Tin.”
“I, uh… I have a boyfriend.” I said sheepishly as I looked down at the floor.
“Oh,” he said his tone accusing. He scooted to the far side of the couch and ran a hand through his hair in frustration.
“Yeah. James, look. I’m sorry.” I don’t know why I felt like apologizing, because technically, I did nothing wrong, but I felt like shit.
He turned to me, and I saw the vulnerability and sadness in his eyes.
“Don’t be sorry, Tin. It was my fault for leaving you. How long?”
“We’ve been together for a little over a month.”
“Oh, so it’s not serious…”
“Actually, it is. I love him.”
“So you don’t love me?”
“James, of course, I love you. I never stopped. But you have to realize that I thought you left me. I was in a pretty low state. I needed you, and you weren’t there. Then Van came into my life and changed everything.”
“So, that’s it?”
“What do you want me to say, James?”
“I don’t know, Tinley. I mean, we have a great history together, and I love you more than I can say. I’ve been waiting for this day for nine months. Every day without you was torture, and I couldn’t wait until I saw your beautiful face, and was finally able to look into those big brown eyes again. I just want to be near you. I’ll give you all the time you need to realize that we are real and that we’re meant to be together. Forever. I love you, Tin. I always have, and I always will.”
My heart felt like it was being torn in two. I still loved James, and I loved Van. I knew now that James didn’t actually leave me, much the opposite, in fact. He did everything in his power to protect me and keep me safe. I hated knowing that he was stuck alone somewhere for nine months, and that all he thought about was getting back to me and making our life work. Here I had been absolutely loathing him and falling into the arms of another man. Oh God, Van. What was I going to do? I loved him, too. He had shown me over and over again that he wasn’t the playboy rock star anymore, and that he loved me. How was I supposed to do this? Exactly, who was I supposed to choose? They were both more than wonderful, and more than I deserved.
I looked up into those brown eyes of his that were full of love, and all the memories of the past few years came back like a tidal wave to my soul. The first time we made love. How easy things were. The rapport we had. He was my best friend from the moment I met him, and I couldn’t ignore that.
“James, I love you, and you have no idea the thoughts that went through my mind when you left. I didn’t know what to do. Mom was gone, and you had vanished. I literally hated and loved you at the same time. I know now that you did it for me, but you have to know that I have fallen in love with Van, and I can’t just leave him. I wouldn’t be any better than how I thought you were. I need some time to process all of this.”
He scooted closer to me and grabbed a hold of my hands, bringing them up to his lips, kissing them softly. He looked at me. “Baby, I will give you all the time you need. I’m here, always. I will never leave your side again. I swear it on everything that I am.”
“Thank you, James. For understanding.”
He stood up looking uncomfortable as he used to do when things seemed to become too emotional.
“All right, well, did I say how amazing you were tonight? I’m really so proud of you. Have you eaten yet?”
I smiled. “Yes, you did. Thank you, James. That means a lot. Actually, I was supposed to go to the cast party down the street, but that was a while ago, and they’re probably done now. We could go grab a quick hot dog, and then I need to get some sleep. I’m so exhausted. We have two shows tomorrow.”
We walked out the big wooden doors of the theater and out into the New York night.
We stopped and each grabbed a hot dog, chips, and a coke.
James instantly grabbed Doritos out of habit, knowing they were my favorite. I smiled when he handed them to me as he paid for our food.
We walked in comfortable silence along the street passing tons of couples as we went, and it reminded me of all the moments we had together like this.
It was still unbelievable that he was actually here. It was difficult to process.
Once I was finished scarfing down my hot dog, I looked up at his six-foot frame, noting that Van was just a few inches taller than him. “So, you never got to finish school. What are you doing for work now?”
He smiled down at me and kissed my forehead as he had many times before, and I felt even more confused than I had been thirty minutes earlier. “Actually, I finished my degree while I was in the program. When it was time to get out, they set me up with a few interviews here in New York, because I knew that’s where you would be. I start my new job on Monday with a very successful architectural firm.”
“Oh my gosh. That’s awesome, James. I’m so excited for you.”
“Thank you. I’m excited too.”
We walked until we reached my building. I didn’t want him to come up even though I knew nothing would happen. I didn’t want Tatum to wail on him. I already felt as if I were betraying Van just by talking to James without him knowing.
We stopped at the door to my building, and it suddenly felt like a first date, but not.
James, thankfully, made it quick and less awkward.
“Goodnight, Tin. I love you. I’m glad to see you’re doing ok. Please call me. I don’t want to never see you again.”
“I will. Goodnight. Love ya!” I quickly turned and ran inside. I couldn’t say I loved him like that again without feeling like a wishy-washy bitch. I did love him, but I needed to process all of this.
I walked in to the apartment to find Tatum nowhere, and the door to her bedroom closed, moaning coming from the other side. Uh-oh. Tay was getting her some. Well, guess talking to her was out of the question for now. I went into my room and put on my pajamas. I decided to call mom on the video chat. Since moving here, and everything with Van, I hadn’t gotten to talk to her as much as I had wanted. She just returned from her cruise a few days before.
It was around midnight in New York, so it was early morning in London.
The call connected, and mom’s sleepy face took up the screen.
“Hey, Momma.”
“Hey, baby girl. How are you? I haven’t been able to talk to you lately. You all right?”
“Yes, ma’am. I miss you. Can’t wait to see you for New Years.”
“Me, either, baby,” she yawned.
“Momma?” I said tentatively. “I have a problem.”
Now alert, she looked at me with her “mom look” ready to give me her always-welcome words of wisdom. “What is it?”
I told her about James, and how I was confused and didn’t know what to do.
She was in shock that he had come back and the reason he had left in the first place. Momma, always knowing what to say to put me at ease, just said, “Pray about it, sleep on it. Soon you’ll have a peace, and you will know what the answer is.”
I thanked her, and we talked about her cruise. I was glad that for once my well deserving mother was getting everything she ever wanted. She finally had a man that loved her unconditionally, and she was in a great place. I missed her terribly, but I was glad she was finally being treated like the queen I always thought she was. We said our goodbyes and I promised her I would call her more often. I decided to listen to her advice, and I hoped that this time wouldn’
t be the one time her guidance failed me.
Van had been on tour for two weeks, and the play had been running for the same amount of time. We had been getting great reviews in the papers and were getting more traffic on a nightly basis. I still hadn’t felt at peace about James and Van. I talked to Van daily, and I hadn’t spoken to James once since the night he came back. I hadn’t told Van about James yet. I didn’t want him to worry and think that I was doing anything I shouldn’t. I know that was probably the wrong way of thinking, and that I should have just been honest and straightforward with him, but I was scared.
It was a Monday in November, and Thanksgiving was upon us. Van was coming home the night before the holiday, and then leaving to go back on tour the following morning. Tatum was heading up to her parents, and I was making my very first Thanksgiving dinner for Van and me at his apartment. I had the day off from the café, and I was feeling tired and slightly nauseous, much as I had all week. I decided to lie down, and before I could pass out, I jumped out of bed and grabbed for my phone. I checked my calendar, and there it was staring me in the face. I was three weeks late. Oh. My. God. No way. I was on birth control, and Van usually pulled out—or did he? Sometimes I was too wrapped up in the way Van gave me pleasure constantly that I couldn’t remember if he always had.
I ran to the bathroom hoping Tatum had some pregnancy tests handy. Turns out my promiscuous cousin didn’t disappoint. I found an unopened box with three tests inside. I read the directions and found a clean solo cup from the kitchen and relieved myself in it. Then I dipped the stick from the test inside. I placed it on the sink and decided I need to do something to occupy the next three minutes so I repeated the process of dipping the remaining two tests into the cup of urine. I placed them all on the sink and sat down on the closed toiled lid. My heart was pounding in my chest.
Oh my God. Was I ready to be a mom? I was only twenty-one, for fuck’s sake. And Van and I had only been together for almost two months. Oh God, I had no idea how Van felt about children. See, Tinley. This is why you don’t sleep with people you barely know. Stupid, stupid, stupid!!
I got up and went to peer at the three little sticks that were going to determine my fate from here on out.
I looked down at them and a sob escaped me.
All three little plus signs stared at me.
I was going to have Van’s baby.
I was horrified. I was so nervous. But underneath all that was a big sliver of maternal love and excitement. I was going to be a momma. I would break the news to Van on Thanksgiving, and hopefully, he would be happy, too.
The next thought that had crossed my mind was what if he wasn’t happy, and he leaves me. The cycle would repeat itself just like my father had left me. I tried to press those thoughts to the back of my mind but they kept nagging me.
What if he really did leave?
I tried to sleep that night. I ignored Van’s calls until he started leaving me worried messages, and then I felt bad and called him to assure him that I was fine.
My little peanut and I would tell him in a few days.
Van’s flight wasn’t supposed to land until around midnight on Wednesday, and I had been so tired and sick lately because of Peanut that I passed out around nine in his bed that night after making two pumpkin pies and three pecan pies through bouts of nausea. I wanted our first major holiday together to be perfect. Around one a.m., I heard the click of the bedroom door, and I sleepily opened my eyes to see my amazing Van standing there looking so hot. The fact that I hadn’t seen him in weeks coupled with my new extra hormones raging out of control, I pulled him down to me in a passionate kiss when he came to kiss my forehead.
I grabbed him and rolled him over so I was straddling him.
Every kiss and touch elicited moans from my over sensitive flesh. When he leaned up and closed his mouth around my extra-sensitized nipple, I cried out. It felt so good, and I’d missed him so much.
When I slowly slid myself onto him, we both groaned together.
It felt even better than before.
“Fuck, Sweetness. I’ve missed you so much,” he said as he kissed his way down my neck as I bucked my hips over and over bringing us both to the brink.
Feeling sexier, and more in touch with my femininity, I decided to drive Van crazy and use some of that dirty talk on him.
“Yeah, Van. You like that, baby. You like when I ride you?”
He growled and moaned as I thrust my hips even harder and leaned down to push my breast into his face. “Fuck, yeah, baby. I like my dirty girl.” He swirled my nipple into his mouth as I clamped my inner walls around him, a trick I learned while reading a magazine. Took me a while, but I finally perfected it.
He came then, loudly and animalistic. I followed soon after.
We lay there panting as Van placed kisses all along my body.
“Wow, if that’s my welcome home every time I leave, I’m leaving more often. Damn, baby.”
I giggled and playfully smacked his rippled stomach. “You better not. I missed you too much.”
“I know. Me, too. I can’t wait until this tour is over.”
We fell asleep like that, and I woke up and ran to the bathroom for my morning puke fest of nothing since I rarely ate anymore, because every single thing made me gag.
I didn’t hear Van come in behind me.
He stood in the doorway leaning against the frame, gauging the scene in front of him.
I wiped my face and looked at him self-consciously. This wasn’t how I planned to tell him, but I guess he was expecting me to say something.
“Sweetness?” he asked as he slowly walked toward me.
“Are you? Is it? Are we?”
A laugh escaped me at the scared, but excited look on his face. When he reached me, I brushed my thumb across his cheek and nodded as the tears welled up.
The expression on his face turned to pure elation as he looked down at my stomach and back up to meet my eyes.
“We’re having a baby?”
I smiled up at my beautiful rock star that made every worry I had dissipate with that small question. “Yes, Van. We’re having a baby.”
He kissed me then, and I knew we would never be the same and that peace that mom was talking about overwhelmed me, and I knew there was no going back. Van was the one and we were creating our family.
Thanksgiving was wonderful. Van wouldn’t let me make anything else. He wanted me to prop my feet up and relax and “Grow my baby. That’s your only job from now on.” It was sweet and adorable the way he doted on me and took care of me. I ate our thanksgiving dinner while he talked to my flat stomach and kissed it. He left the next day with the hugest smile on his face, but not before giving me strict orders to do absolutely nothing. “I mean it, Sweetness. Like I said before, you grow my baby. That’s it. Don’t overdo it. Promise?”
I saluted and threw him a “Yes sir” before he smacked my ass and left to go make the women swoon while onstage.
It was two weeks before Christmas and three weeks after I found out about our little peanut. The show was over, and the rehearsals for the new play weren’t starting until after the holidays in mid-January. With Van’s urging, I quit my job at the café. Van said he was taking care of everything for his baby and I need not worry. I hated to be dependent on him, but the way I was throwing up—All. The. Time. It was hard to get out of bed, let alone serve food. I don’t know how I made it through the last few weeks of the show, but I did. The nausea was unbearable and I had been to the doctor for my first visit. The medicine they had prescribed really didn’t help. They said the baby looked fine, although, I was too early in the pregnancy to hear the heartbeat quite yet. So I just dealt with my daily puke fests and did the best I could. I had to admit that it was really nice to be able to sleep when I wanted to, which was all the time, and it was nice not to worry about where I would throw up should it hit me at an inopportune time.
It was a snowy Tuesday night. I had decorated Van’s apartment, with T
atum’s help, wall to wall with Christmas decorations. It was my favorite time of year, and the first without my mother. I missed her so much, but I was starting my new family, and Van would be coming home in a week to spend Christmas together. I always had my Carpenters Christmas album playing softly through the penthouse from my iPhone with cinnamon candles lit. It was very seasonal in there. The Wal-Mart Christmas section did wonders with those expensive digs.
After a video chat with Van, I had passed out on the couch in his living room. He also insisted I stay in his penthouse where he could make sure his security team could get me anything I needed. I thought he was making a mountain out of a molehill, but I obliged because I missed him, and being in his apartment made him feel closer. Tatum, who didn’t know I was pregnant, had been having nightly company, and I was lonely and sick of listening to her squeals and moans of delight.
I woke up around four a.m. with a start. Something wasn’t right. I had been sleeping on my left side, as the doctor had recommended in order to increase blood flow, and the inside of my leg felt immensely wet. I jumped up and screamed at the sight of blood on Van’s couch and across my lap.
I immediately panicked. I didn’t want to call Van and worry him while he was on tour. They had played Dallas that night, and I knew they were on their way to Houston. I really didn’t want him to scrap his tour and disappoint his fans. I tried to call Tatum, but she didn’t pick up. Then I tried calling Sloan, but remembered she was on Vacation with her parents and boyfriend in St. Barts. The only other person I could think of to call was James. I slowly tapped his number as the realization hit me that I was losing my precious peanut.