by Rae, Rachel
“Yes ma’am.”
After we ate breakfast and got dressed, Steve, Mom, and I headed out to look around at some Manhattan shops. We had lunch a while later and then went to see a movie.
I got a text from Tatum around five that afternoon saying she was almost to the apartment.
We headed home and were greeted by Tatum. She looked extremely happy and well rested. Well at least one of us was.
She ran into me and pulled me into a humongous hug.
“Oh Gosh, Tin! I missed you darlin’.”
“You have no idea how much I’ve missed you, Tate.”
She smiled and turned to Mom and Steve.
“Aunt Ellie! Uncle Steve! So good to see you guys!”
There were hugs all around. I followed Tatum into her room as she unpacked. I sat on the bed as she told me about Christmas with her mom and dad and their skiing trip. She didn’t leave anything out as she told me about the hot guys at the ski lodge and her sexual trysts with about three of them. At the same time.
By the time she was done filling me in, I was blushing furiously and laughing so hard I could barely breathe. I looked at her puzzled, “Wait a minute. What happened to your sexy mystery man?”
“Ugh. Don’t ask. Speaking of men… How’s that sexy rock star?”
“Wow, where do I start? Actually Tate, I don’t want to start bawling again so how about I tell you all about that fiasco later.”
“Fiasco? What the hell. What did that stupid fucker do? I will kill his sorry ass if he hurt you.”
I just sat there and nodded at her. “I’ll help you hide the body. Let me Google.”
“Tinley!! What the fuck. Tell me! Now!”
“Ok, ok. God.” So, for the second time that day, I bawled as I told the painful story of the pregnancy, the miscarriage, and the end of Van and I. Also, for the second time that day, I got the Why-didn’t-you-tell-me-Tinley lecture. Again, I apologized, and again hugs and tears broke out all around.
Gosh, we were a bunch a crybabies lately.
After our pow-wow, we got dressed to go out with Mom and Steve for dinner and dancing at a new club downtown that Tatum knew about.
We took a town car that Steve had rented with a driver and went to a really expensive sushi restaurant. We headed to a club afterwards and into the elite VIP section. Bottles of Grey Goose flowed around as well as tons of sexy men who wanted to enter the section and flirt, but since mom and Steve were around, Tatum acted like a good girl. Mom and Steve stayed about an hour and told us that the drinks for the rest of the night were covered and to have a good time, and the town car would be waiting when we were ready to leave. He was so generous. They were heading to a hotel now that Tatum was home.
We said our goodbyes to them, and then Tatum and I turned to each other and high-fived. “Girls night! Oh, it’s still early. I’ll call the girls to see if they want to come meet us.”
I panicked at the thought of seeing Sloan. She had been vacationing abroad for a few weeks, and I didn’t know what her brother had told her, if anything.
Tatum, sensing my hesitation grabbed my hand and looked me in the eyes, “Tin, you did nothing wrong. Don’t worry. Sloan will understand.”
I nodded and took a big gulp from my Vodka-cranberry. Not too bad, by the way.
A little while later, Jessa, Cynthia, and Sloan walked into the VIP section with a hoard of men trailing behind them.
We all hugged hello as the waitress came back around with more flaming bottles of Grey Goose and champagne. If Sloan knew anything about what happened between her brother and me, she gave nothing away. She was as nice and sweet as she always had been.
We made our own dance floor in the section, which grew smaller by the minute as several, and might I mention very sexy, men started gyrating with us to the hip-hop tunes blaring from the speakers.
One very well built olive skinned man in a well-tailored suit, came up behind me as I began feeling the vodka kick in. I was dancing in my own little world when I felt strong hands envelope me from behind and rest on my hips. I turned to see Mister Well-tailored smirking at me and in my drunken haze, I wanted to pretend that smirk and those hands belonged to Van. I let him grind against me as I pushed my ass into his growing erection.
I closed my eyes and let the music overtake me as his hands slid lower. I leaned my head against his chest, and “Van” gently kissed my neck and started to suck and nibble on it. I moaned as the music boomed through my ears. I wanted to go home and make love to my Van. I turned in his arms and started to kiss him voraciously. I wanted him to forgive me even though there was nothing to be forgiven for... I wanted him to want me. I wanted him to love me the way I loved him. I just wanted him.
As I kissed “Van” he spoke in my ear, “Come home with me, sexy. I’ll make you feel real good.”
His raspy, rugged voice, so very different from Van’s made me snap out of it. I jumped back and wiped my mouth on the back of my hand. “I am…. I’m so sorry. I don’t know what came over me.” I headed for the bathroom in the crowded club gently making my way through the swarm of sweaty bodies grinding to Rhianna’s S&M.
I made it into the bathroom and as I used the facilities, I internally chastised myself for being a stupid slut. What the fuck was I doing? Stupid Vodka.
I washed my hands, and as I was heading back to the VIP section, I heard the sounds of screaming girls. My stomach instantly dropped when I realized there was only one reason women screamed like that. Rock Star. I spotted Van heading to the other VIP section with that redheaded slut on his arm. I wanted to throw up. At least I looked extra sexy tonight. I was wearing one of Tatum’s slinky red strapless dresses that hugged every single curve of my body. Thank the Lord for Spanks. The silver Louboutins that I’d also borrowed from Tatum made my legs look extremely long. My hair was straightened to the max and since I’d just fixed my makeup in the mirror, I knew that my crimson lipstick was perfectly applied to my lips.
I decided to show that motherfucker what he passed up.
The VIP sections were directly across from one another and could be closed off with curtains. Both of them were open to everyone. I made sure to walk slowly past his knowing from looking out of the corner of my eye, that he was seated facing our section. I strutted my stuff the best I could as I walked past. Living with a model did have its benefits sometimes. As I approached the steps leading up to my section, I misjudged the height of the bottom step. As I raised my foot adorned with the uber-expensive stiletto that I already sucked walking in, I missed it. I stumbled and fell flat on my back in the middle of the posh club, and of course, in front of my ex-boyfriend and his on-again whore. Could my night get any worse?
Mr. Well-tailored (he was still here?) extended his hand to me as I lay there like a stupid idiot.
I was really thanking the Lord for the Spanx now, considering if it weren’t for the little shorts connected to the sucking-in bodice, my lady parts would be visible to everyone. I wanted Van to see what he was missing, but not like that. I grasped Well-tailored’s hand as he hoisted me up off the floor. I felt eyes behind me boring into my soul. I knew Van was watching me, as I’m sure his whore, Jade, was, too… which is why I did what I did next. Once I was up and situated my dress so my boobs, which thankfully stayed where I put them, were readjusted, I grabbed Well-Tailored and kissed him hard. I kissed him and made sure to grab his collar and made a show of it.
There were hoots and hollers all around as Well-Tailored grabbed my ass and squeezed, making me, still pumped full of vodka, get more into the kiss than I should have. Before I knew what was happening, I heard the distinct sound of flesh connecting with flesh, and suddenly, Well-Tailored was flying across the room. I turned back to see Van cradling his bleeding knuckles as he glared at me. His security team came running over to him and telling him they needed to leave before an even bigger scene erupted.
I looked at his stupid ass in disbelief. “What. The. Fuck. Van?”
He moved his face
close, too close to mine, our noses touching. My breathing picked up, as I smelled his scent that was just Him. Just Van.
“Don’t try to make me jealous, Tinley. You fucked that up when you killed my baby and cheated on me with your ex-boyfriend. You’re not a slut, so stop acting like one,” he seethed.
As angry as he seemed, I was even more furious. Where did he get off telling me anything? He left me without believing anything I said, without hearing anything.
“Are you fucking serious?” I shouted. “You don’t get to tell me a damn thing! Oh, and by the way, how’s Jade?” I laughed bitterly. I edged my face even closer to his and looked him dead in those silver eyes that were so cold and whispered, “I may not be a whore, but you, Van. You are—I have no words for you. You haven’t changed a fucking bit. That whole spiel about you being better for me was utter bullshit. You’re still the same douchebag rock star that I thought you were, and I want you to know something.” I moved closer as I spit out the last words to him, “I didn’t kill your baby. I miscarried, and I needed you, but you’re not even man enough to see that. The fact that you would actually think that of me shows your character, not mine. You’re a coward, and I hope you know that I loved you, but now, Van,” I clicked my teeth at him as I backed away and shook my head in disgust. “Now, I fucking hate the sight of you. Fuck you, Van. Fuck. You.”
And with that, I walked away. I tried not to let the way his face contorted to one of hurt and sadness, and even regret, over his features get to me. He was an asshole, and I was done. It was time to focus on me and the reason I came to New York in the first place. It seems I’d lost sight of that.
I headed out to the town car waiting for us. Tatum came flying up to me as I sat down in the backseat. “Holy Shit, Tin. That was epic. You should have seen his face when you walked away. He looked like he was about to start crying.”
“Good.” I said crossing my arms, still shaking from how pissed off I was.
I really wasn’t happy that he was hurting. As much as I wanted to believe that I actually hated him, I couldn’t lie to myself. I loved him more than anything. The way that I felt about him was different from anything I’d ever experienced in my twenty-one years. But I couldn’t go back to him. He had hurt me too bad. The things he accused me of, for no reason, were ludicrous, and I could never forgive him for not comforting me when that had been the hardest thing I’d ever endured. Instead, he turned that heartache into something else entirely. Something wrong and vile. He had no idea the pain I felt from losing our peanut. He had no clue how it felt to have your body full of life, a tiny heart beating inside of you and then all of the sudden there was no life in there. That the little life inside you just ended, and there was no saving it. I would never forgive him for that.
We drove back home in silence. I held back the tears until I reached my room. I cried myself to sleep that night, for the umpteenth time, wishing I could go back.
Mom and Steve left a few days later. But not before mom gave me about three more lectures. One about telling her when something’s wrong, and the other two about safe sex, which had me hiding behind a pillow like a thirteen year old having “the talk” with her over explanatory mother.
Which had totally happened about nine years before.
The day after they left, I decided to go back to the Café and ask for my job back. Even though after finding out about everything, Steve insisted on paying for my rent, and anything else I needed. Come to find out, when Tatum went to turn in the rent check for the month of January, the leasing office informed her that our rent had been taken care of for the next few years. I was stunned and curious. When I called to ask when this had happened, they told me that Van had come in a few days before and paid for it. Meaning, he did it after we had broken up and after I had publicly lashed out at him. Why would he do that? I heard from the grapevine that Van and the boys were back on tour in the south and soon would be overseas. After I had spewed my hate for him, he never tried to contact me, or anything. He just paid my rent and went on his merry way. I would never understand him.
My old boss, Sal, was sympathetic and told me to start the next day. I vaguely filled him in about the baby and told him about the theater and the new show starting soon, so he said he would of course work around my schedule.
I got back into the groove of work and a few days later, the theater was having rehearsals for the new play. We auditioned, and I got the secondary role, which was huge considering I was just in the chorus last time, and this was only my second play. I would be playing Penny, Tracy Turnblad’s best friend, in the production of Hairspray. I was so excited I could barely contain myself.
Rehearsals started quickly, and the opening of the play was scheduled for Valentine’s night.
Seth said we would have a good turn out since it was a huge date night and that girls loved the theater.
I hadn’t talked much to James since the holidays. He was busy with work, as was I. We texted back and forth a few times since Christmas. Just friendly banter. Nothing more. I didn’t want anything more, and James understood that. However, he did ask if he could come to my opening night of the play. To which I said, “of course.”
Opening night came quickly, and my nerves kicked in. I was so excited and nervous to have the secondary role. Olivia was a girl in the company who was playing the role of Tracy.
She was such a professional and had been doing theater for quite some time. She was an absolute sweetheart and I loved acting alongside her. “Tinley!” She hugged me as she walked into the dressing area, her huge hair coiffed just perfectly for Tracy. “I’m so excited. Are you ready?”
I laughed as she hugged me so hard I could barely croak out a word. She loosened her grip. “Sorry,” she chuckled.
“It’s all good. I am so, so excited! Very nervous, but so ready. Are you ready, girl?”
“Definitely.” She smiled as the lights dimmed, and it was Showtime.
I forgot a few of my lines because, well, I just wouldn’t be me if it had gone off perfectly on the biggest night of my tiny career. Once it was over, James, Tatum, and Sloan came running up to me in the dressing area.
“Tin! You were so awesome,” Tatum screeched.
I hugged her and laughed. “Thanks, I was so not, though. I can’t believe I forgot my lines.”
She shooed her hand in my direction nonchalantly. “Ahh, don’t sweat it. No one noticed.”
James kissed me on the cheek as he handed me a dozen red roses. Always so consistent.
“You were great, Tinley. I’m so proud of you.”
I blushed. “Thanks, James. That really means a lot.”
Sloan came in next with a huge hug. Her small frame standing on her tiptoes to reach me in my heels. ”Congrats, babe. That was amazing.”
I smiled and thanked her. Glad that we could still be friends despite what happened between Van and I. She had called me the day after the big blowout with her brother at the club. Crying, she told me she had no idea and that she was so sorry about the baby and her “stupid ass idiot brother.”
“I will kick his ass, Tinley. I can’t believe he accused you of that and treated you that way. I’m so sorry.”
“It’s not your fault, and I appreciate that, Sloan. Thank you. I wish nothing but the best for him, though. I really do mean that.”
We left the theater for the cast party. Seth was in good spirits. A notorious reviewer had been there that night, and even though I screwed up some parts, he said the play was a major success and that he expected a great review, which would do wonders for all of our careers, respectively.
We walked into the restaurant and sat down near the sectioned off area reserved for the party. The bar was right next to the plush couches we sat at. I got up to order a drink for myself with Tatum. The sexy bartender smiled at me and looked me up and down smirking as his eyes settled on my hair.
Oh shit, my pigtails were still up. How embarrassing.
He took my order as I blushed, and
then he walked away to make our drinks.
Tatum’s eyes went wide as she looked at something behind me. I started to turn when she grabbed me by the shoulders and said, “No Tin. Don’t look.”
Well, now I had to look. I turned around, but nothing seemed out of the ordinary. Then the televisions above the bar caught my eye. There was Van, shirtless and looking sexy as ever, sitting on a stool onstage with his guitar in hand and thousands of screaming fans below him. The volume was down so I had to read the closed captioning on the screen to understand what they were talking about. All I got out of the fast caption scrolling on the screen was that Van was singing a ballad that was totally out of the bands genre at the end of each of their shows since the band went back on tour. The breaking news of a mugging came through before I was able to read more. I filed it away in my ‘things to Google later tab’ in my brain.
I walked back over to where the party was still reeling from seeing Van on TV. He was so gorgeous, and just seeing his face had my stomach fluttering. I really missed him. I still wanted him more than anything. We had such a deep connection that I had never felt with anyone, not even James, and I was just naïve enough to think that it might work out. He was nothing like I wanted to believe he was. He was a rock n roll douchebag. An asshole. A prick. But he was mine once, and I would never forget the things he said, even though now I believed they were complete bullshit. I would also never be able to forget the way my body reacted whenever he was near.
James, holding his beer, placed his hand on my knee and leaned in close to whisper in my ear so I would hear over the loud chatter of the party, “You ok, babe?”
He hadn’t called me babe in forever and I missed it. His breath on my neck caused shivers to course through me, and my lady parts to awaken.
What the hell was going on with me? I was just crying my eyes out over Van. I was swooning as I watched him on the television, and now I was panting and tingling for James? Lord what the hell!? I gave a small smile to James and assured him that I was fine. The night went on and the drinks flowed regularly, and eventually, I was being carried by James to my apartment door.