by Rae, Rachel
I walked around the apartment and grabbed the few things I had downstairs and walked to the front door. I looked around at the space that had become ours, in a sense. I looked at the enormous tree I had bought from the tree stand a few blocks away, and its bright twinkling white lights shining with happiness—happiness that I wished I could feel. What I felt being with Van only a few short hours ago, and now, like everything else in my life, was broken. With tears streaming down my face, I walked out knowing Van was gone forever. I walked out into the snow falling hard. I hailed a cab and jumped in thinking of Van as I did. I would never be the same.
By the time I had gotten to the apartment I shared with Tatum, the snow had begun falling harder, almost where the driver couldn’t see out the front windshield. I cried the whole way home. Tears, and now snow-covered windows, both were blurring my vision. I paid the driver and ran into the lobby and up to our apartment. I closed the door behind me and slid down to sit on the floor, tears streaming uncontrollably.
How did this happen? How did my sweet, caring, understanding Van go from zero to sixty in the blink of an eye?
It just didn’t make any sense. Where did I go from here? Obviously, we would be moving again. Van paid the difference on this apartment from the checks Tatum’s parents sent her, and even with the amount that I’d always chipped in, it wasn’t even close to covering it. I could pitch in more, but not that much. I had quit my job per Van’s request because of the peanut, who was no longer here, and I couldn’t ask Tatum to front more. What the hell was I going to do? He just kicked me out of his apartment. Out of his life. Out of us.
I thought about going to Buffalo to see Tatum, and my aunt and uncle for Christmas, but it was already almost Christmas Eve, and I thought I would be horrible company, anyway. I was too depressed to even think about how Christmas day would be. My first without my mother, and now I was all alone. I continued checking my phone for any sign that Van would see the error of his ways and contact me or just send me something, anything. I was not about to contact him. I was too prideful. My pride got the better of me, and then I got angry.
Fuck that stupid motherfucker. I lost the baby, which was absolutely devastating, and he has the audacity to fucking blame me for something so absurd I couldn’t even fathom how he jumped to that fucking conclusion. Maybe he was insane.
Yeah, we’ll go with that, because I was all out of ideas as to why he turned on me so fast, and for no reason at all, especially without listening to a damn word I had to say. After checking it for the billionth time like a needy, desperate loser, only to find a text from James asking if everything was ok, I sent him a quick text back that Van and I were done, and then I turned my phone off and laid in bed. As the night went on, my anger dissipated, and the sadness came creeping back in. I cried myself to sleep and didn’t wake up except to use the restroom.
It was Christmas afternoon when a knocking at my front door woke me from a fitful sleep. I crawled out of bed and opened the door not caring that I hadn’t showered since the night Van broke my heart. I had no bra on and the same pajamas I had put on after I came home that night. Merry Freakin’ Christmas. The door opened to a cheerful James holding presents and a few bags.
“Merry Christmas, Tin!” he exclaimed. James had always been goofy like me when it came to holidays. We used to shop for everyone together and decorate our apartment and my mom’s house together. He indulged me in all my Christmas rituals such as watching Christmas with the Kranks and A Christmas Story over and over again. I would always throw a little Elf and Christmas Vacation in there too, just to make him happy. I smiled a small smile at his cheerful disposition and returned a “Merry Christmas, James.”
“Come in…” I gestured him inside.
He walked in and made a low whistle at the surroundings and smiled as he put the bags down on the counter in the kitchen. “Nice digs.”
“Thanks, um, no offense, but what are you doing here?”
Rummaging around in one of the bags, he pulled out copies of my favorite Christmas movies. “It’s Christmas. And I know how you are, so I brought you a little pick me up. No one should be alone on Christmas.”
I stared at him in awe. Here he was all alone in New York on Christmas, and he was worried about me. He pulled out two turkey dinners with all the fixings and a pecan and pumpkin pie out of the other bag.
“James Anthony Townsen. I can’t believe you did all this. Thank you,” I said through tears as I went to hug his neck.
He held me for a few minutes and then leaned back and placed a friendly kiss on my forehead. “Of course, I did. Tinley, I know you’ve been through a lot in the past few weeks, and I’m so sorry. I just want to be here for you any way that I can. I don’t want anything from you. I know you’ve just had your heart broken… again, and I’m sorry. I just want to be your friend again. We started out as friends, and I just want to go back to that place. I miss my best friend,” he shrugged and half smiled.
“Thank you so much, James. I miss mine, too. Ok, enough with this. I’ve had a shitty few days, and I haven’t eaten since the night all that happened. Let’s enjoy this wonderful meal you brought us and watch some Christmas with the Kranks!”
He smiled. “Deal.”
We sat on the couch and watched the movies on the big TV. After we ate the delicious food, I turned my phone back on realizing that it was almost evening and Christmas in London was almost over, and I hadn’t spoken to my mother. How shitty of me!
She picked up on the first ring. “Tinley? Where have you been? I’ve been calling you since last night.”
“I’m so sorry, Momma. My phone’s been messed up. And I’ve been crazy busy you know, holiday parties and everything.” The lie slid out of my mouth with ease. I hated lying to my mother mainly, because she could always see right through my bullshit and would call me out on it. I wanted to tell her everything, but I was still reeling from all the events of the past week. My heart hurt, and I almost lost it on the phone with her, but I kept it together while she told me all about Steve’s presents for her. He was taking her on a tropical vacation for Valentine’s Day and then to Italy. I was so happy for my mother. She was so giving, and so selfless. She deserved such a doting husband. Steve really was perfect. We talked for a while, and she asked about Van. I never told my mother about my pregnancy, so she had no idea. I was vague, but said that we were amazing. James looked at me disapproving. I rolled my eyes and shrugged filling my mother in on our first Christmas together. I didn’t want to have to admit that I’d failed miserably at yet another relationship. It was all too fresh. New Years, Van was supposed to be back on tour, so I didn’t have to worry about explaining his absence. With tears forming in my eyes, and choking back a sob, as she talked about how excited she was and glad that I was in love again after everything with James, I hung up the phone and let the tears consume me.
James walked over and squatted down in front of me so he was in my blurred line of vision. “Tinley, I’m so sorry. I know you loved him. Maybe he’ll realize he was way off and come back.”
I looked up at him and shook my head in defiance. “No,” I wailed. “No. I don’t want his sorry ass back. He didn’t love me enough to believe me, and he concocted such a bullshit theory. I can never forgive him for that.”
I lay down on the couch, and through my tears, I watched the rest of A Christmas Story.
Oh, Ralphie, your stupid BB problems are nothing. Wait until you grow up and someone rips your heart out and plays baseball with it.
James brought my comforter from my room and laid it over me as I cried. He walked toward the front door.
I looked up at him. “Where are you going?”
He pointed toward the closed door to my apartment. “Home. I thought you might want some space.”
“No. It’s Christmas, and we’re watching movies. I’m sorry I’m such sucky company, but please don’t leave. I’ve enjoyed this day with you.”
The unsure look on his face turned into the happy one that
I always felt safe and loved with. My best friend. My James. Well, if my heart was broken and no one could fix it, at least I had my friend back.
He sat on the far side of the couch and laid my head in his lap. He stroked my hair as he used to, and I fell asleep to the joyful sounds of Ralphie finally getting that BB gun he had wished for.
If only life were like the movies.
On New Year’s Eve, I went to pick mom and Steve up from the airport. Tatum was supposed to be home the next day. There was so much I wanted to tell her. Mom and Steve were going to be in the city with me for about a week, and then they were going to see my aunt and uncle in Buffalo for the remainder of their trip.
The minute I saw mom at the terminal at JFK, I burst into a blubbering mess. Her presence mixed with me not seeing her in almost a year, and all the drama of the past few weeks, only made it worse. Momma always made me feel better. I couldn’t wait to get home and visit.
I hadn’t seen James since the day after Christmas. We both fell asleep on the couch and woke up when the light shined through the windows. He had to work that day, so he had to leave fast since he was already severely late. We had spoken on the phone quite a bit and texted. He always asked if I needed anything, if I was ok. I guess he thought he owed me, considering he had done this to me not long ago, even if the circumstances were different. I hadn’t heard a single word from Van. I was afraid to turn on the television or check the internet for fear of what I would see. I had made that mistake once the day after Christmas. Ripping Pages concerts were sold out all around the country. They even added dates and they would be heading over to Europe in February for another leg of the tour.
The minute I turned on the television, it was on Inside Edition. I wasn’t paying any attention. I just wanted some background noise while I finally cleaned the apartment. I heard the reporters’ voice as they came back from commercial break.
“Ripping Pages, the nation’s best-selling rock band of all time, rivaling the success of Aerosmith and Queen, has added several more dates to their comeback tour, TORN. You might want to hurry and get yours. These are selling out like never before. The front man, Van Whitaker…” I held my breath. “…has been seen around the clubs and after parties with his on again girlfriend, Jade. Jade is an actress on the current CW drama, Social Networking. The two began a tumultuous relationship back in 2008. Cameras spotted the two looking extremely cozy after the bands show in Chicago last Sunday. She’s been seen around the band since their tour began in October...”
I clicked the TV off and threw the remote across the room. It shattered into pieces on the floor. October? He accuses me of cheating on him and killing my baby so I could be with James, and this slut has been hanging around him since the tour began? Was he fucking kidding me?
If only they were playing in New York, I would go give him a piece of my mind. I stopped being domestic and broke into sobs on the floor next to the dishwasher. I couldn’t believe him. What happened to “I would never hurt you, Tinley”? Well for someone claiming he was a changed man, he sure did get back into the habit quick.
Mom and Steve were so excited to see Tatum and my new place.
We arrived at the apartment, and I helped carry their bags in. London was five hours ahead of New York so, needless to say, they were exhausted. We never planned to do anything for New Year’s Eve because I knew that they would be tired, so I had decided that I would curl up with my e-reader and get back into my romance novel land. Real life wasn’t being so good to me lately, so it was time to get into my fictional world and get back to going to bed with a different book boyfriend every night.
Yes, I’m a book whore. It’s not my fault that boys in books were better, in my experience, anyway.
Mom and Steve settled into my room. They tried to insist on staying in a hotel, but I wanted them close. I had gotten to know Steve very well when he and mom were dating for two years, and he was living in Houston, so he had quickly become a good father figure to me. He always reminded me of Tom Skerrit. He was a kind and gentle man, and I loved him. I couldn’t have picked a better man for my mom.
I curled up on the couch and clicked on one of the New Years programs on television. It was crazy to know that the huge party going on in my TV was actually going on right down the street. If I weren’t so claustrophobic, I would have gone down there myself. I clicked on a new book on my e-reader that I had been dying to read. Of course, it was about a hot bad boy falling for the plain girl, and then I immediately turned my e-reader off. Maybe some TV would do me good. I watched the streets of my new town teeming with thousands of people all waiting for that huge ball to drop when something caught my eye. A guy with a foot high Mohawk was talking to someone on stage. Jensen was here? Did that mean…
“Ripping Pages decided to come down from their tour to play a special set for us here at 1 Oak for you all on this New Years Eve.” The announcer answered my internal question.
I ran to my room, trying to be quiet so I didn’t wake a sleeping Mom and Steve who was snoring like crazy. I grabbed some clothes and shoes. I put them on in record time and grabbed my coat and wallet as I walked out. I reached the street with snow falling all around me. I quickly hailed a cab and jumped in. “Umm, can you take me to 1 Oak?”
“Sure thing.” Shit was I supposed to have a ticket? Whatever. Guess I would wing it.
We pulled up to the mass chaos. I would have to walk there and figure out how to get inside.
I somehow made it through the swarm of drunken disorderly people, and up to the doors of 1 Oak. They were checking tickets and names. Fuck. I needed to get to Van. I didn’t want to tell him what I thought over the phone. I was riled up and pissed the hell off, so now was as good a time as any.
I made it to the front and was just about to explain my situation to the bouncer who looked very mad, at the moment. “Ticket and name?” he said in a gruff voice.
I put on my prettiest smile and looked up at his unhappy face. “Hey, sir. Um, I don’t have a ticket—”
“No ticket, no entry. Move, please.”
“No, wait!” I cried. “Please, I need to see the band.”
“Of course you do. You all do. But no ticket means no entry.”
“Bu—”
“She doesn’t have a ticket, because Van doesn’t want her here.” A seedy voice broke through my thoughts. I looked up to see none other than Jade–I’m a groupie whore–sneering at me.
“Go back where you came from. You fucked up big time. Your loss is certainly my gain. I’m taking care of Van now. I’m all he needs, and I’ve been all he needs for quite some time now. Go on.” She shooed me away with her long perfect pink nails flittering at me.
She leaned into the bouncer. “This one is trouble. Make sure she stays away. Van will make it worth your while. We appreciate it.”
Oh hell no. She did not just we him!
The bouncer looked at me as he smiled at Jade. “Miss, you’re going to have to leave.”
“But—”
“If you don’t leave now, I’ll have to have security come escort you out. Make it easy on yourself, and leave quietly.”
I turned away feeling like an idiot. Van would never be what he was in my eyes. Maybe I made him out to be what I wanted him to be in my mind. Maybe he was always a prick. I just wanted to live in la-la land and pretend I was in a book with my perfect rock star. I walked home the twenty blocks or so, feeling lost the whole way. How did my life end up like this?
I got back to the apartment as the countdown to midnight was being screamed on the television.
5, 4, 3, 2, 1. Happy Fucking New Year.
I woke up on New Year’s Day to the sound and smell of bacon being cooked. Mom was here for sure. I loved her cooking. I missed it.
I got up from the couch and looked over at Steve reading the newspaper with his Magoo glasses on. Mom smiled over at me as I folded my blanket up.
“Hey, baby girl. Good morning.”
“Hey, Momma. Good morni
ng.” I walked over to the bar and sat down at the stool and watched her cook breakfast.
She made me a coffee from my single cup maker.
She handed me the cup and the creamer from the fridge. Nothing like your mom babying you to make you feel better even if she has no idea that anything is wrong.
“So what are we doing today?” she asked.
“Well, Tatum should be home in a few hours from Aunt Em and Uncle Phil’s, so maybe we can go shopping or something and then go out tonight, if you want.”
“That sounds great. How’s Van doing?”
I froze. Better get this over with now. I was going to have to tell Tatum tonight, anyway.
I sighed. “Well, Momma, I’m not really sure how Van is because he broke up with me right before Christmas.”
Her eyes went wide and then she shook her head in disappointment. “Come here, baby.” She wiped her hands on a dishtowel near the pan of sizzling bacon and held her arms out to me.
I flung myself into her arms feeling the sadness wash over me and broke into sobs the second we connected. I blubbered the whole story to her. Everything, even the unexpected pregnancy and miscarriage. When I was finished, she looked at me with tears in her own eyes and simply said, “I’m so sorry, Baby. I wish I’d known. I would have come to you.”
“I know, Momma. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. I was going to, but I felt like a failure, and I just didn’t want to talk to anyone.”
“So you spent Christmas all alone?” she asked sympathetically.
“Well, no. James came by and brought me some dinner and movies and kept me company.”
That surprised her. “Oh, so you and James?”
I shook my head adamantly. “No. Not at all. He was just alone, too and knew I needed a friend. That’s all we are. I don’t want to be in any relationship right now.”
“Ok, good. Well, you seem to be doing ok. But Tinley, please don’t ever not tell me something like that. I’m so far away, and I want to know when you’re hurting.”