Ripping Pages

by Rae, Rachel

  It was the middle of the day when I woke up to a knocking on my door. Shit! I had slept about eight hours and it was afternoon already. I threw the covers off and hurriedly put on a bra and got to the door. I flung it open and my breath caught in my throat. There stood James in a three-piece designer suit holding an enormous bouquet of red roses and holding a teal blue box. A Tiffany box. He immediately dropped to one knee in front of me. He handed me the roses and looked up at me. With those hopeful brown eyes that knew every part of my soul, every piece of my history, looking up at me from bended knee, I felt that tug of war rope being pulled even tighter in each direction. James opened the blue box, and there it sat. My ring. The one he bought before any of this happened. Before he had to leave. Before I moved to New York. Before I met Van. Before. When we were just James and Tinley, college sweethearts without real grownup cares or real responsibilities. Tears welled up in my eyes, and I could see a watery vision of James. I quickly wiped them from my eyes.

  “Tin. My beautiful sweet, Tinley. I’m so sorry that I waited to do this, but you left when I was planning this huge proposal to sweep you off your feet. And now, well I just couldn’t wait anymore. I couldn’t stand the thought of you never coming back to me. Of us never being US again. I want you, Tinley. I love you. You and I are real. We aren’t some fling. We aren’t some fantasy. We are real, and I want that dream we always talked about with our house in the suburbs and the 2.5 kids and the dog named Lucky. I want it all… with you. Marry me, Tinley. Let me make you happy, baby.”

  I didn’t know what to say. He was going to give me everything we’d planned. Our dream of forever. My heart was ripping in two and I wasn’t sure what to do. He sat there vulnerable, and he looked so optimistic, and he expected me to speak, but I couldn’t. The words wouldn’t form on my tongue. They wouldn’t come out. He was giving me the forever that I’d envisioned since I fell in love with him, only now I saw a future with Van, too. I didn’t want to tell him no, but I loved them both in different ways. We had a special connection. He knew me like a best friend would know you.

  Van and I, however, had passion and intense chemistry. He and I had a level of comfort and intimacy that I had never experienced with James. I loved him in a way that I wasn’t sure existed until he came into my life. I carried his child, which formed a bond that nothing could touch, and I knew he loved me with the same intensity. He wasn’t the guy I thought he was, he was much different, and he was mine… Once. He said he loved me, but he never said he wanted me back. He had been with Jade even after the blowup at the club. He never tried to contact me. Maybe I was so deluded that all the things I thought he really felt, the connection, was just one sided. He never tried to call me after all that I told him about the baby. Never heard not one word from him. He never emailed, texted, called, stopped by.

  Nothing. I think I played it up in my head from the beginning. I mean, this guy was every woman’s dream, a famous rock star, and I fooled myself into thinking I could be his one and only. He’d only shown me that I was disposable, and the flavor of the month. How could I be so delusional?

  I looked down at an expectant and hopeful James, and the words flew out of my mouth before I could think twice. “Yes. Yes, to all of it, James.” I smiled, and he flew up from his stoop and grabbed me around the waist swinging me around. He kicked the door closed behind him and brought me over to the bed. He sat me down on the edge of the bed and kneeled down on the floor. “Almost forgot.” He pulled the ring out of the box and placed it on the tip of my ring finger. I looked down at it, and smiled. “Tinley Michaels, the Future Mrs. Townsen, you have made me the happiest man on earth.” He slipped the ring all the way on my finger, and I splayed my hand out in front of me, cocking my head to the side as I admired it. He had it cleaned, and he had added some bigger diamonds on the sides making it even larger. It was beautiful.

  “How did you get my ring? I had it put up in a box.”

  He smiled. “Tatum. She helped me. Even though she hates me.” He laughed.

  He leaned in and kissed me gently, and then more urgently. My heart started racing and my breathing picked up. He laid me down, and I tried not to think about the man awake in the hospital room across the street. He didn’t really want me. So why did I feel like my heart was fully broken in two now as I made love to my new fiancé?

  James and I were leaving the next morning to return to New York. He had purchased our returning tickets when he had bought his to come to London. Sure of himself. He looked so happy as I got up to start getting dressed. We were heading to see my mother for dinner in a few hours before we left London. He had traveled a long way, and I knew he was tired and would be passing out soon and would stay that way for a few hours, until we had to leave.

  I waited until I heard the familiar snores coming from the bed, and I grabbed the room key and snuck out quietly. I didn’t want to sneak around, but James wouldn’t understand my wanting to see Van. I wanted to tell him goodbye and that I was again sorry… for everything. I was happy with James. Yes, extremely happy. Maybe, if I kept repeating it to myself over and over I would start to believe it. Don’t get me wrong, James was perfect. He deserved so much more than someone like me, but he wanted me, and I loved him. Van was doing extremely well and would be discharged the following morning. I needed to see him now, before our trip back to New York.

  I walked across the street to the hospital. There were still fans and media everywhere so I snuck through the back again. I took the elevator up to Van’s room, and it was quiet. Sloan and her parents must be out. I knocked on the door, and Van’s voice echoed through the door. “Come in.”

  I pushed the handle and walked in.

  He looked up from the book he sat reading on the bed. What was so sexy about a man reading?

  I forced the thought out of my head. He looked relieved when his eyes locked with mine.

  “Sweetness. I’ve been wondering when you were coming back.” He smiled that beguiling smile and scooted over a little. He patted the empty space next to him gesturing me to sit.

  I accommodated him and sat down facing him, my legs propped up a little near his shoulders because of the head of the bed being raised.

  It was quiet and a little awkward as we sat there, and then it got extremely awkward.

  His eyes moved from mine as I absentmindedly brushed my bangs to the side with my left hand, and he got a view of my new ring.

  Fuck. I didn’t want to tell him this way.

  He nodded slowly taking it in. “So—you and the old boyfriend?”

  “Van I—”

  He held his hand up to stop me.

  “No, babe. It’s ok. You don’t owe me any explanation. I was a complete fucking idiot. I fucked this up. What else would you think? I pushed you away, and I left you. You have every right to move on and be happy.”

  “But—”

  “Tinley, please let me get this out.”

  I nodded and sat there quietly.

  “I’m not good with emotions. I don’t know how to express exactly what I feel, and I don’t know how to say it. I just know how to do it through music. It’s always been my outlet. When my parents were fighting. When my father couldn’t hide his disappointment in his only son not going into the family business. When the nannies were the only ones around to praise us on the little stuff that seems so big to you when you’re a kid like coloring inside the lines or eating all your green beans or brushing your teeth and not swallowing all the toothpaste.

  “Music is how I express everything. It’s how I got through one of the darkest times in my life. I need to tell you this so that you know why I acted the way I did the night I came home and found you with James, and you told me about the baby. I will never forgive myself for acting that way, and there’s no excuse for the things I accused you of, but maybe you’ll understand me a little more when I tell you this.” He took a deep breath and I waited nervously for him to begin.

  “Sarah was my high school girl friend. She
was my first love. We took each other’s virginity. She was there at the inception of Ripping Pages. I went to a private school and that’s where I met her. We started to date in our junior year. She was… everything to me. My whole world. I wanted the family I never had with her. I wanted the boring suburban life with her. I had no idea the band would take off like it did, and when we were done recording our first album and about to head out on tour, she ripped my heart out.”

  His eyes started to water and he tried to keep the tears from spilling over onto his chiseled cheeks, but it was too late. A few teardrops fell onto his face and he quickly wiped them away. “Sorry.” He laughed a small laugh. “Here I go being a little bitch again.”

  “Please, go on, Van. I want to understand,” I pleaded.

  He nodded and cleared his throat and straightened his back.

  “She told me one day that she was pregnant. I couldn’t have been happier. I went to every doctor’s appointment. I bought little baby rocker gear. I was ecstatic.

  She was about four months along when she told me that she was leaving me for another man.”

  My eyes went wide.

  “So she told me that she didn’t want anything to do with me anymore, and that was why she had an abortion a few days before she told me all this.”

  “Oh my God, Van.” The words just slipped out, and the tears poured from my eyes.

  “Yeah,” he laughed bitterly. “So she killed my baby and left me for some actor she’d met while we were schmoozing with all these new famous people the label made us meet. She said I was too focused on the band and not her, and she had finally found someone who treated her the way she should have been treated. I was done with her but she—sh—” He started choking back sobs again. “That baby was mine, and she took it away. The one thing I always wanted. A little person, a part of me that I could be that dad for. The dad I never had, and she ripped it out of my grasp.”

  I began to understand why he freaked out the way he had. It didn’t excuse it, but it made sense.

  “So, that’s why when I came home that night and saw you with James, I flew off the handle. I thought it was happening all over again and I just—I lost it. And I’m so sorry. I don’t expect you to forgive me for the way I acted and the awful things I said to you, but maybe you can see why, in my broken mind, I thought that. In my heart, I knew you weren’t that person. You were always so different from anyone I’d ever met. You were my Sweetness, and I was just being a stubborn asshole who let old wounds take over. After that night at the club when you told me the truth about the baby, and then you told me you hated me, I felt like someone had knocked the wind out of me, and I couldn’t believe I had treated you that way. I wished to God I could take it all back and go back to that night. I wish I could have held you and cried with you over the loss of our peanut. I can’t imagine how hard that was on you, and I know now that you didn’t tell me, because you wanted me to finish the tour dates, and I would have come home as soon as you’d told me. I don’t know what else to say other than I’m sorry, and I hope you can forgive me. I still love you, and I will always love you and nothing will ever break that. You were my happy ending. I deserve to be alone. I was unforgiveable, and I wish I could take it all away.”

  My tears flooded over as I listened to him, and I had to ask him the one thing that I still didn’t understand. “I’m so, so sorry, Van. I can’t believe she did that to you, and I understand why you acted the way you did. What I don’t understand is why? Why didn’t you fight for me? After the club that night, why didn’t you try to call me, or anything? I just don’t understand how you continued to see Jade, and I never heard a single word from you.”

  He sat up straight in bed. “Tinley.” He grabbed my hand and caressed it as he always did rubbing circles in the back of it. “I called you that night, and my calls had been blocked. I emailed you, and they were all returned back to me. I sent you a charm and a bouquet of orchids as a last resort to show you I was still proud of you, that I still cared, on the opening night of your play, and they were sent back to me. So I thought you were just done with me, and I thought you wanted me to disappear so that’s what I did.

  “And Jade? Jade and I were nothing more than users. We used each other. I used her to try to fill the void that I brought on myself by pushing you away and into the arms of James, and she used me by getting recognition as Van Whitaker’s arm candy. There was nothing there. I just wanted to feel something, anything. When I made you leave, I felt numb, and I tried to make it go away with Jade, but it never did. I’m sorry for that, too. I fell back into my old habits, and I truly, more than anything, wish I could take back the hurt I saw on your face when you saw me walk in with her.

  “I was a complete dick to you. I tried to justify it all to myself a million times, and I can’t. I love you, Sweetness, and I wish you all the happiness. You deserve so much more than I’ve given you. I hope you know that. I hope you know that I will never love anyone the way I love you. You were the last love for me.”

  “Did you cheat on me? I saw that she’d been hanging around the band since the tour started.”

  He looked me sternly in the eyes. “I would never ever cheat on you. I swear on everything, Tinley, that I did not touch her until we were over. She was just trying to get her time in the spotlight. I never touched her, I promise.” His eyes told me he was being truthful, and I sighed in relief.

  He smiled a small smile and leaned forward. He kissed my forehead, and then my nose and then his lips hovered above mine waiting for permission from me to kiss them. I sighed a small sigh, as more tears fell down my face. He gently pecked my lips and sucked gently on my bottom lip as he pulled away.

  “I’ll never forget you and everything that you’ve taught me, Sweetness. You’ve shown me a love that I didn’t know existed, and I want to thank you for that. I’ll always be here if you need me. Always,” he whispered. I forgot everything I wanted to say to him for a moment as he pecked my forehead again just as the door opened. Sloan, Van’s parents and the boys from the band sauntered in chatting and laughing. They got eerily quiet when they spotted me in the room.

  Jensen broke the silence. “Oh dude, sorry. We’ll leave you guys alone.”

  I quickly scooted off the bed and gently tore my hand away from Van’s. I put on my best poker face and smiled as I walked toward the door. I turned around to say goodbye to everyone, and I couldn’t help but look back at Van. Our eyes locked and the sadness and regret I saw in his was profound. I nodded and walked out of the room realizing that we should have already been on the road to my mom’s by now. James was probably wondering what I was doing, and since I left my phone in the room on purpose, there was no way for him to contact me.

  I took the elevator down to the lobby going out the back again. I made it back to the hotel suite just in time to see James coming out of the shower. He was dressed in slacks, dress shirt and shoes. His hair was wet from the shower and spiked up just a little bit like it always was. He quirked his eyebrows up when he saw me come inside. “Hey, Tin. I just woke up about ten minutes ago. Where you been?”

  “Oh, Sloan needed to see me. I was in her room. Sorry. I left my phone in here.”

  It hit me as I watched James get ready for dinner. Van’s calls were blocked. The emails he sent were sent back. I never got the flowers or charm on opening night of Hairspray.

  Did James? No. He wouldn’t do that? Would he?

  It was getting late, and we had reservations and this conversation was too large of one to have in such a short amount of time, so I decided that I would bring it up when we got home. He came out of the bathroom looking debonair and suave, and I began to feel that numbness Van was just talking about envelop me and take over.

  I was stuck, and I hoped like hell that I would find a branch to grab onto to pull me out.

  We got back to New York the next afternoon, and James had to go into work, but I told myself we would have that talk when he got home. I saw on the news, and I k
new from getting a text from Sloan, that Van had landed safely in New York, and he was holed up in his apartment. The tour was cancelled pending further notice. I knew Van, so I knew he was absolutely loathing missing out on his fans and the fact that they paid so much for tickets and waited so long to see him rock out on that stage. I knew he would try to get back to it before he was really supposed to. Tatum, Sloan, and I were meeting up for dinner and drinks that evening. We all needed a pick me up.

  Tatum and I got dressed, and took a cab to Brooklyn to meet Sloan who was at Van’s making sure he was squared away. I hadn’t been across the bridge since the night Van kicked me out and seeing his building as we drove across, and all the memories that flooded me, made my heart ache.

  Tatum silently grabbed my hand and squeezed it gently. Looking over at me her eyes asked the question, “You ok?” Was I? I had never felt such a loss. Even when James had left me, I was hurt and sad, of course, but nothing like this. I think the thing that made it so bad was the fact that I knew where Van was. I knew he was in New York, and thank goodness, was doing well. I couldn’t think about the fact that we almost lost him. That I almost lost him. Even though he wasn’t really mine, anymore. I nodded and gave her a small smile to reassure her. I wasn’t sure I could keep this up. This trying to seem ok when really inside I was breaking.

  We got to the restaurant, and Sloan hugged us both hello as we sat down.

  “Oh, girls. I needed this escape. It’s been hell the past few weeks.”

  We nodded in unison, agreeing.

  Sloan looked at me with a sympathetic smile. “How are you, babe? Are you all right?”

  Here we go again.

  I nodded and put on my best fake smile for the millionth time. “Yes. Thanks, Sloan. I’m fine.” Turning the attention from myself, I asked her, “But really, how are you? How is everyone now that V—he’s back home?” I couldn’t say his name out loud. The thought of it made me want to curl into a ball and cry. I was engaged to another man, but I was really only in love whole-heartedly with one.