My Head Teacher is a Vampire Rat

by Pamela Butchart

  And that’s when Jodi’s mum came rushing in and said that we shouldn’t be using the computer without asking her first, and that we were too young for vampire films, and also that the film was silly and not what real vampires are like at all.

  So that’s when I said, “What ARE real vampires like?”

  And Jodi’s mum sat down for ages and started telling us all about how vampires are very beautiful, and about how they are very romantic, and then she went on and on about this one called Edward for ages.

  I was a bit surprised about vampires being beautiful, because I didn’t think Mr Graves was very beautiful, and I didn’t really think that boys could be beautiful.

  Then Zach asked Jodi’s mum how she knew so much about vampires. And that’s when Jodi’s mum said that she’d read all these really famous vampire books, and that they were all about vampires, and also that she’d even seen all the films. So she obviously knew what she was talking about.

  And then Jodi said, “How can vampires be nice if they bite people and drink their blood?”

  And Jodi’s mum thought for a bit, but then she asked us if we wanted strawberry milkshake, and even though she hadn’t answered our question, we all said yes because Jodi’s mum makes THE BEST strawberry milkshake in the world, and it’s so pink that it even glows in the dark a bit. And there’s still a pink stain on Jodi’s carpet that you can see when the lights are off, from when Maisie had five glasses and was pink-sick on it.

  Then when Jodi’s mum went to get the milkshakes, Jodi said that she thought her mum was LYING to us. And that she didn’t believe vampires were any of the things that her mum had told us. And that her mum was making it all up because she didn’t want us to know the TRUTH about vampires because she probably just thought we were too young to know, and that it would scare us.

  And then Jodi said that she knew FOR A FACT that her mum had been lying to us, because when we had asked her about the human blood, she didn’t even answer the question, and that she had just CHANGED THE SUBJECT.

  Then Jodi said that that’s what grown-ups ALWAYS do when they don’t want to tell you something, or they don’t want to tell you the truth.

  And I thought that Jodi was DEFINITELY right, because my mum does that too! Like the time Gran bought Mum a very special jumper for Christmas, and it was bright green with a bit of fur on it and it even had little bells on the shoulders that jingled when Mum moved. Mum told Gran that she loved it, and she even put it on right away and wore it all Christmas Day. But then a few weeks later when me and Mum were taking old clothes to the charity shop, I heard something inside one of the bags JINGLING and when I asked Mum about it she went a bit weird and started asking me all about my homework, and about my washing basket. That’s when I knew that she was just trying to CHANGE THE SUBJECT because she didn’t want to tell me the truth, which was that she had told a LIE to Gran about loving the jumper and that she had put it in the charity bag!

  So that’s when Jodi said that we shouldn’t add any of the things her mum had said to the list since it was

  And that we should only add the stuff from the film. So I added HISSING because the vampire had made this really weird hissing sound before he bit the lady in the neck.

  Then Jodi said that she would try to read all the vampire books and watch all the films tonight when her mum was sleeping, and we said OK.

  So when Jodi’s mum came back in with the milkshake, we said that we weren’t doing the meeting on vampires any more, and that we were doing it on grass. And that we didn’t need her to stay and tell us anything about grass because we knew it all. But I don’t think she believed us, because she looked at us for ages, and then she unplugged the laptop and took it with her when she left.

  And then Zach’s mobile phone beeped. And it was a text. And it was from Maisie, which was weird because I didn’t even know that Maisie had a mobile phone, because I’d never seen it before, and I thought that Zach was the only one who had one.

  And then Zach read the text out loud. And this is what it said:

  So we told Maisie we thought Mr Graves might be a vampire. But Maisie didn’t text back. And we knew it was because the text must have been too much for her. And that we probably shouldn’t have sent it.

  On Wednesday, Maisie was back at school. And as soon as me and Zach met her outside our new classroom, we told her all the stuff we’d found out at the secret meeting, about the garlic, and the coffins, and the hissing, and the mind-control.

  And then Maisie had to lie down on the ground outside the classroom, so me and Zach just lay down with her because it had been a very hard week for us all.

  But then we remembered about the rats and we all jumped up at the same time. And then Maisie started crying because she said there was a rat poo on the ground, and that it had definitely touched her when she had been lying down.

  I thought that it was probably just a raisin, but I wasn’t a hundred per cent sure, so I decided to be brave and squish it a bit with my shoe. And it WAS a raisin, so Maisie stopped crying.

  When the bell went for class, I thought it was weird that Jodi wasn’t there yet, but we went in and sat down anyway. Miss Jones must have thought it was weird that Jodi wasn’t there either because she said, “Where’s Jodi this morning?” But I just said that we didn’t know. And then Miss Jones asked to speak to Maisie at her desk, and I knew it was to see if she was OK after having to go away in the ambulance yesterday.

  And then when Miss Jones was busy speaking to Maisie, Jodi came in. And she looked really weird, and her hair didn’t look like it usually did, because it usually didn’t have bits sticking up all over the place.

  Then Jodi said, “I tried to read all the vampire books when my mum went to sleep last night, but they were really boring, and I kept falling asleep.”

  And I felt a bit bad because I’d just had a piece of toast and gone right to bed when I got home, and I hadn’t done any research at all.

  Then Jodi said, “So I got my mum to drop me off early this morning, and I went on the computers in the library before the bell. And I found THIS.”

  And that’s when we looked at the bit of paper Jodi had printed out.

  And at the top it said:

  And that’s when Jodi told us that she’d found out all about vampire bats, and about how vampires can change themselves into bats, and then change back into vampires. And about how they change into bats so they can sneak up on people and bite them. And about how they can change back into a bat really quickly and fly away when people are trying to catch them.

  And then Zach looked at me and said, “That’s why we didn’t hear him coming out of his office! He must’ve flown out as a bat, and then changed!”

  But I didn’t really believe it, because I’d never heard anything about people turning into animals before.

  So I said, “Jodi, do you really think that the new Head Teacher is a vampire bat?”

  And then Jodi looked very serious. And she looked over both her shoulders to make sure nobody was listening. And then she said, “No, actually. I think the new Head Teacher is a

  When Miss Jones was doing the register, Jodi told us that even though she couldn’t find anything on the internet in the library about vampires being able to turn into rats, that didn’t mean they couldn’t. And that the only reason she probably couldn’t find out about it was because the computers in the school library stop you from being able to look at most websites.

  Then Jodi said that the word RAT was almost the same as the word BAT. And also that rats are just like bats, but without wings. But I still didn’t believe it.

  But then Jodi said, “Think about it! All of a sudden there are RATS in the school. And then all of a sudden there is a NEW Head Teacher who is probably definitely a vampire! These two things are DEFINITELY NOT A COINCIDENCE!”

  So I thought about it. And that’s when I realised that it made sense.

  So I said, “Well, if vampires can turn into rats, and Mr Graves is a vampire ra
t, then we’ve got an even BIGGER problem than we thought!”

  And Jodi said, “What do you mean?”

  And I said, “Well, what about all the other rats? There are probably HUNDREDS of them in the school!”

  And then Zach whispered, “The Army.”

  And for a minute I thought Zach meant that we were going to have to get the real army in, which sounded like a good idea. But I knew that Jodi would just say that we couldn’t phone them until we had enough EVIDENCE, because she is OBSESSED with evidence. But then the whole table started shaking, and I noticed that Maisie was back.

  And then Maisie said, “Vampire Rat Army.”

  And Zach nodded.

  And I knew that we needed to come up with the best plan we had EVER come up with, or the school was going to be taken over by an army of vampire rats!

  That afternoon, we all said that we’d eat our lunch as quick as we could, and then go to The Den to make a plan. But then at lunchtime, something happened.

  When we got to the dinner hall, we saw that it was THEMED DINNERS today. And I just KNEW that there was going to be GARLIC BREAD because every time the dinner ladies do THEMED DINNERS, it’s ALWAYS Italian Day, even though me and Zach always put LOADS of suggestions in the SUGGESTION BOX, like JUNGLE DAY and APOCALYPSE DAY.

  So anyway, I knew that there was going to be garlic bread, because when it’s Italian Day we always get lasagne, spaghetti bolognaise, pizza, and GARLIC BREAD.

  So Jodi said that we should all eat as much garlic bread as we could, so that Mr Graves and all the vampire rats would be REPELLED by us because we smelled of garlic. And even though me and Zach both HATE garlic bread, we said OK, because we needed to do it to protect our lives.

  But then when we went up to the counter and Jodi asked if she could have some garlic bread, the dinner lady said that there wasn’t any! And we all looked at each other because that was very SUSPICIOUS.

  Then when we sat down, Jodi said that she couldn’t concentrate, and that she wasn’t even hungry any more, even though pizza is one of her favourites. She said that we just HAD to find out why there wasn’t any garlic bread when it was Italian Day, and that we needed to find out if it had anything to do with Mr Graves. And we all agreed, because if Mr Graves HAD told the dinner ladies not to make it, then that would be evidence that he was a vampire.

  So Zach said that we should just go up and ask the dinner ladies about it. But then Maisie said that we couldn’t because Mrs Kidd (the evil dinner monitor) would tell us off for being out of our seats.

  But then Jodi said that she didn’t care, and she got up anyway. So I went with her, for support, because the dinner ladies don’t really like Jodi after the time she was a vegetarian and she accused one of the dinner ladies of hiding a sausage under her mash

  so that she would eat it by mistake, and not be a vegetarian any more. And Jodi got so upset she had a JT (which means a Jodi Tantrum) and then she got a detention. And I got one too, because Mrs Kidd said that I had been ENCOURAGING Jodi, even though I didn’t even say

  So anyway, we went up to the counter, and Jodi said, “Excuse me, please.” But we couldn’t get any of the dinner ladies’ attention, because they were standing in the back, and because everyone had already been served, and also because they don’t like us.

  So we started sniffing all the empty trays, because I said maybe there HAD been garlic bread, but that because we were last to go up for dinners that day, maybe it had just run out by the time we got there.

  But then one of the dinner ladies came rushing out and told us to take our noses out of her trays “RIGHT NOW”. And then she said, “Oh. It’s YOU.” And she said it in a really horrible way. And she looked RIGHT at Jodi when she said it.

  And I was a bit worried that Jodi was maybe going to give her cheek, and that we’d both get into trouble again, and also that we wouldn’t get to ask her about the garlic bread. But then I heard a dog barking. And I knew right away that it wasn’t a real dog, and that it was Zach. And that he was doing it as a SIGNAL to us to say that Mrs Kidd was on her way over.

  So I said, “Jodi, hurry! Just ask her! Ask her!”

  And Jodi said, “Why isn’t there any garlic bread?” And then she said, “Please,” because the dinner lady still looked cross at us for sniffing her trays.

  The dinner lady started pulling all the trays out, and banging them all over the place, and I thought she was just going to completely ignore our question.

  But then she said, “Banned.”

  And we said, “What?”

  And that made the dinner lady groan a bit. And then she said, “BANNED! The new Head Teacher banned it!”

  And even though I was already ninety-nine per cent sure that Mr Graves was a vampire, I was still completely SHOCKED. And even though Mrs Kidd told us off for being out of our seats, and sent us to sit in the TIME OUT chairs outside the office for fifteen minutes, we didn’t care, because now we had GARLIC EVIDENCE.

  When we were sitting in the TIME OUT chairs, we heard the office ladies gossiping about Mr Graves. So we listened very closely, and that’s when we heard one of them say, “He’s not really strict, he’s just nervous. It’s sweet, really.” And then another one said, “He’s so young. Bless his cotton socks.” And then they all giggled.

  I couldn’t BELIEVE what I was hearing, because Mr Graves DEFINITELY wasn’t young OR sweet! He looked like he was at least thirty, and he was the SCARIEST person EVER!

  But then Jodi looked at me and whispered, “MIND CONTROL!” And I nodded, because I knew that she must be right, and that Mr Graves must have mind-controlled the office ladies into thinking he was young and sweet and innocent so that they wouldn’t find out he was a blood-sucking vampire!

  But then we heard WHISPERING coming from inside the Head Teacher’s office, and it sounded very SUSPICIOUS.

  So we looked at see if the office ladies were watching us, but they weren’t. So we tip-toed up to the Head Teacher’s office, held our breath and put our ears up against the door.

  And that’s when we heard Mr Graves say, “Hello, my darling. What a beautiful lady you are.” And then he started HISSING!

  As soon as the office lady told us our fifteen minutes were up, we RAN to The Den to tell Zach and Maisie about the hissing. But when we got there, Zach and Maisie weren’t even inside The Den yet, they were just standing at the door. And then Zach said that it was because of Maisie and the “DANGER. NO ENTRY” sign.

  So we explained to Maisie about how Jodi had made sure that The Den was a SECURE ZONE and that as long as we kept the door shut, no rats would be able to get in. So Maisie said OK, and that she’d go in, but that she wanted to put her plastic bags back on her feet first. So Jodi helped her put them on.

  And then when we were going in, I was first, and I noticed that the door actually WASN’T shut all the way, and that there was a tiny little gap, but I didn’t say anything, because I didn’t want Maisie to faint, and also because I thought that the gap was way too small for a big fat vampire rat to get through anyway.

  Once we were all inside, and the secret meeting had officially begun, we told Zach and Maisie about what the dinner lady had said about garlic bread being BANNED and also about the HISSING!

  That’s when Maisie said that we should all DEFINITELY bring garlic sandwiches to school tomorrow, to protect ourselves, and everyone agreed. Because we knew that Mr Graves had probably bitten that beautiful lady in his office, and drunk her blood, like that vampire in the old film did.

  Then Jodi said that we were going to have to do something before things got even more

  And we all agreed except for Maisie, who said that we should just hide in The Den until it was time to go to secondary school.

  And that’s when Zach started to tell us that he knew about ways to kill vampires. And that you needed to put a steak through their heart. And I said that that didn’t make any sense. But then Zach said that he didn’t mean a steak you eat, and that he meant a WOODEN STAKE,
that was shaped like a big, sharp pencil.

  And then Jodi said she actually had one of those, and that her gran had got her one from Benidorm last year. And that it had a giant rubber on the end of it, and pictures of the beach all over it. And Zach said that Jodi should DEFINITELY bring it with her to school tomorrow.

  But Maisie said that she DEFINITELY shouldn’t. And that we should just do something to scare the new Head Teacher away, so that he went to another school and left us alone and didn’t drink our blood.

  And that’s when Jodi jumped up and shouted, “Garlic muffins!”

  And I said that I would MAYBE eat a garlic sandwich if I was allowed to put crisps, or ketchup, or something else on it too, but there was NO WAY I was going to eat a garlic muffin.

  But Jodi just smiled. And then she said, “It’s not for you.”

  When we got back to class, Jodi said that she was going to ask her mum if they could bake chocolate muffins tonight, and that she would get her mum to let her make one garlic muffin too, and that we would give it to Mr Graves.

  Zach said he thought it was a brilliant idea. And that if Mr Graves was REPELLED by the smell of garlic, then eating it would probably make him turn into a rat as soon as he ate it and run far away, as far away as Australia, and that all his vampire rat army would go with him because he was the leader.

  I agreed that it was a brilliant idea, and I also said that I thought Jodi should make two garlic muffins, just in case one got burnt in the oven or something.