"So this is an act to convince me you're able to take control?"
I shook my head and caught her eye. "This is no act,” I said, for it wasn’t. I was being true to who I was and what I was with her, so she saw me as I really was – not what might be seen as polite and safe. “I'm being as open and honest as I can with you. I understand you, Kate. You can relax with me. You can just be. Believe me, I won't judge you except when you disobey my orders or don't try hard enough to comply."
Submissives needed to feel the Dom’s control or they would fight. They wanted to feel his control. It was what they craved. Kate craved it, but her mind fought with her body.
"I'm so conflicted about this."
"I know you are." I reached out and took her hand, stroking my thumb over her palm. "You're afraid. Your modern feminist sensibility thinks this is wrong, that submission is wrong, but that primal part of your brain knows it's right."
I watched her while I ate, searching her face for a sign of what was going on in her mind. She felt such guilt for wanting to be dominated sexually.
"You have to get over your self-judgment and accept this for what it is. Submission for you is just the way you prefer to experience sex. Nothing more, nothing less. There's no deep meaning to it. It just turns you on."
"It shouldn't."
"There you go – that judgmental Superego,” I said, recognizing it for what it was. “Kate, D/s the way we will practice it is safe, sane, and most of all, consensual. That's not just a slogan. I believe it.” I let that sink in for a moment. I had to reinforce the safe part. The consensual. This would be her choice. She would choose it. Choose everything that would happen between us. I would fulfill it.
“D/s is not illegal, it's not damaging. It doesn't diminish you in any way. If you sign the contract, we'll have lots of mind-blowing sex in the way that really appeals to us both and you'll sleep really well at night when we part." I popped a strawberry in my mouth. "Simple."
I could tell that appealed to her. She wanted to experience mind-blowing sex. She wanted someone who knew what he was doing and how to do it. That’s why a Dominant appealed to her.
We talked a bit about my schedule, my surgical slate, my band’s practice sessions and gigs. I told her I’d come to see her at her apartment on my nights off, or if she preferred, she could come to my place.
Usually, I met my subs at their place or sometimes, a hotel room. With Kate, I wanted her to come to my place. I wanted to see her tied up on my bed, ready and waiting.
"But tonight, I want to come to your place so I can see who you are when you're not with your family."
"I don’t know…" she said, making a face of indecision.
"If you want, no sex tonight. Just talk. We can go over my personal limits and discuss yours. No touching and no sex unless you initiate it."
"And if I sign an agreement? How much say do I get in what happens between us?"
This was a tricky subject. While it was true that the sub gave over her power to her Dom during a scene, she listed her hard limits and she knew his kinks and preferences. They agreed to do everything on their lists, at his discretion. He chose how and when.
"When we're together? Sexually? None. The purpose of the agreement is for you to give that power over to me to decide what happens. The only out you have is your safe word, but once you use it, that's it. We stop. Full stop. So don't use it unless you really mean it. Don't use it unless what's happening is too much for you to bear. At first, you can use 'yellow' as a sign you need to slow down or pause. Red will be only for full stop, and once we're over the initial training. A submissive enjoys some uncertainty, because it's arousing. But real fear and bad pain? That's when you use your safe word. Other than that, other than your hard limits, you leave everything up to me. What, how, when, where, how often."
"I shouldn't need a safe word, Drake, if all we're going to do is fuck. Remember – no pain."
She was so afraid of pain. "I told you I'm not a sadist. But sex can get intense. Bondage scenes can get intense.” I moved closer and stroked the back of her hand to show her I was warm and affectionate, not cold and sadistic. “I'm not into pain, but a binding can accidentally get too tight, or you can be emotionally overwhelmed. I will punish you if you misbehave. Sometimes, punishment can be too intense."
"What kind of punishment?" she said, pouting a bit. I could tell the thought of being punished upset her. For some subs, being punished was enjoyable for it reinforced the relationship. For others, they avoided it like the plague.
"We'll have to negotiate that."
"Lara said you'd likely spank me."
I smiled. "Does that upset you?" Spanking wasn’t a kink of mine, but I could do it. I could even enjoy a sensual spanking intended to enhance pleasure. Not a spanking in punishment.
"I'm not a child."
"Spanking is merely to reinforce dominance. It's not supposed to be about hurting you."
"How can it not hurt?"
"It won't hurt too much, then."
"How do you know what too much is?"
"I'll show you. You'll tell me. I'll stop at that point."
She moved away from me, subtly distancing herself from the issue. I knew the next few moments would be key to whether I would end up in her apartment and possibly in her bed or whether I’d be left standing outside her apartment in the cold, staring up at the stars.
"Look, Kate,” I said, keeping my voice as soft and unthreatening as I could. “Hopefully, if I do this right, you'll never need to use a safe word but it's there just in case."
"I don't know about the spanking part," she murmured. "We're going to have to talk about that."
"We will." I stroked her cheek, noting the wide-eyed expression of wonder mixed with fear. "I won't go too far for you. I want this. I don't want to make a mistake with you."
She sighed, and I could hear the last bits of resistance draining out of her voice. "You won't push me tonight?"
"I won't push. Much,” I said, biting my lip to hide my grin. “But you have to know that I want you." I leaned closer, so that my face was only a few inches from hers and stared at her mouth. "I want to fuck you tonight. I'd love to tie you up and have my way with you, but I know it's too soon. You need to trust me before you can give over your power willingly. But a kiss goodnight would be nice."
She bit her bottom lip to stop a smile. "I'll consider it."
I paid the check, and made sure to run my hands down her arms as I helped her on with her coat. Unlike her, I had no hesitation to let her know exactly how I felt. I wanted her. I wanted her to be my submissive.
I don’t think I’d ever wanted a woman to be my new sub as much as I did Kate.
That should have set off alarm bells in my mind but it didn’t. I was too excited, too busy imagining seducing her, gaining control over her mind and body to notice.
CHAPTER SIX
We arrived at Kate’s apartment and I wondered how this would go. Would she invite me in? We stopped at the top step and I moved nearer to her, wanting to at least be close enough in case this was good night. I wanted to be in a position to at least kiss her if I had to leave.
I waited.
And waited. She glanced around, stalling for time. She wasn’t going to invite me up but she wasn’t saying goodbye either. That was a good sign.
I decided to press my case.
"Kate, invite me in. Trust me. I won't risk anything with you, given who you are and who your father is."
"You won't touch me?"
I tilted her chin up so she had no choice but to meet my eyes. "I may touch you, but I won't force you to do anything. I don't rape women, Kate,” I said, trying to be patient. “I don't like real resistance. Only the fun kind. The play kind."
"We won't have sex, Drake,” she said, chopping her hand down. “I'm not like that. I don't have sex on a first date."
"I know." I was being honest. I knew Kate wasn’t promiscuous. Far from it.
"I'm serious. No
sex. I'll think about the goodnight kiss."
I checked my cell phone for the time. Then it hit me – she could call Lara… A safe call was always advised when a Dom and sub were meeting for the first time. We weren’t strangers, but it would make Kate feel safer if Lara spoke with her and reassured her that I wasn’t a psycho-killer.
"Why don't you call Lara and let her know I'm coming into your apartment? Tell her you'll call her in an hour and if you don't call, she should take action. That way, you'll feel safe."
Kate plucked her phone from her bag and dialed Lara.
"I'm standing on the front step of my building with Drake. He wants to come in and just talk, and suggested that I call you so you know I'm alone with him. That I'll call you in an hour to let you know things are okay."
Kate listened for a moment and nodded. Then she turned to me. "Lara said if I don't call in an hour, she'll bring Bruno over."
I laughed at that. I leaned down to the phone in Kate’s hand "Oh, you're threatening to use the heavy artillery. You've never had to use Bruno with me yet and won't have to tonight."
Kate listened to Lara for another moment.
"Thanks, Lara." Then she put her phone away and sighed. "Who's Bruno?"
"Her Rottweiler,” I said, smiling widely.
Kate laughed and I saw the last shred of resistance leave her. "Come on up."
We climbed the stairs to her apartment, stopping at the door while Kate searched her bag for her keys. She said something under her breath but her voice shook with nervousness. Finally, she found the keys and just as she was unlocking the door, Mrs. Kropotkin from across the hall opened her door. I saw her grey hair and kerchief through the narrow crack in the doorway. I smiled.
"Zdrastvooyte."
She closed her door.
"Did you study Russian in college?" Kate asked.
"My father had a cassette tape with Russian lessons on it and I used to listen as a kid." My own voice wavered a bit and I was surprised at my nerves. I wasn’t usually this excited about going to a new sub’s apartment. "I don’t really speak Russian well. Just enough to order in a restaurant or make a few toasts."
Kate opened the door but blocked me from entering. "You'll keep your promise to just talk? No sex?"
I held up my hands. "Kate, it's up to you. You'll be the one to decide what happens. Whatever you want."
"We're not having sex. Tell me you understand."
"I understand."
She was still hesitant, eyeing me as if having second thoughts. "Come in," she said finally.
I entered, so curious about her and what her apartment looked like, but on first impression, was surprised at how small and dark it was. I turned around in a circle, glancing down the hallway to what looked like the main living room.
"Kate why do you live like this?” It struck me once more how much she had deprived herself of her father’s wealth. “This apartment looks like it belongs to a poor kid, not the daughter of a wealthy judge running for election."
"I don't want his money and I don't earn enough even with the scholarship to live anywhere else."
I walked down the hallway, checking out her place, breathing in deeply the scent to see if it smelled like her. Like Kate – a mixture of floral shampoo and citrus. Kate removed her coat and hung it up and then came to me.
"Let me take your coat.”
I removed it, slipping out of my boots and then I loosened my tie. I hoped I would be removing all my clothes before the night was over, despite Kate’s protestation to the contrary.
"Do you mind if I take a look around?"
Kate shook her head, but said nothing, her face blanched. She was really nervous. I went to her and tipped up her chin with a finger.
"Its okay. I know you're nervous. A bit excited. You know what? So am I."
I was nervous and took in a deep breath to show her, smiling. She glanced away.
Still not able to look me directly in the eye. That would have to change if we were to work out as a couple. I’d force her to look in my eyes as she came, as she sucked my cock, as I fucked her, as I ate her. It would break down all the walls between us until there was nothing left but raw lust.
I checked out the rest of her apartment, interested in the art hanging on the walls. There was one piece in particular I examined closely -- a drawing of a knight in armor with a naked woman lying beneath him.
"You did this?"
She came to my side and examined it, tilting her head to the side. She pointed to some initials at the bottom right hand corner. KMcD.
"I did it in my Freshman year. I took a fine arts elective."
It was good. Even I could see that. The realism with which she drew was impressive. "It's good. Actually technically skilled." I turned to her. "Tell me about this."
"What's to tell?" she said, shrugging. She didn’t seem like she wanted to discuss it any further. "It's a pencil drawing of a knight and his lady love."
"And why is she naked while he's in full armor?"
She hesitated. "Our assignment was to show contrasts in textures. I thought that metal and flesh were opposites – almost mortal enemies – and contrasting, kind of like male and female, masculine and feminine. My professor said I took the assignment way too literally."
"Metal and flesh aren't always enemies. I use steel to cut out tumors, open the skull to let pressure off a swelling brain."
She frowned. "I never thought of that. I was thinking more of war."
"It's all in your point of view. Even in war, metal can save lives. Trauma surgeons like my father worked in hospitals on the front lines in Vietnam using steel and cutting flesh to save lives." I leaned forward and examined the picture more closely. The detail was amazing. I was even more impressed with her than before. Underneath the shy and sometimes petulant exterior was a woman of real potential. She had convictions and talent. "Did you at least get a good grade? This is very good."
"I got an A."
"Good. But why a couple?” I asked, frowning. “If you wanted to show contrast between flesh and metal, if you wanted the war theme, why not a hand holding a sword?” Then it came to me and I turned to her, smiling a bit. “Or were you thinking of a different kind of war – the war between the sexes?"
Kate said nothing, her hands behind her back.
"It was after a boyfriend and I broke up and I was all upset about it. You know what it's like when you're nineteen. You'd think it would be the other way around, right? The woman would be covered in armor while the man would be naked, so willing to have sex."
Ahh… She thought men were the ones to wear armor.
"Oh, very deep," I said, really getting it. "He can't really touch her even when they have sex because he wears armor to protect himself. It's symbolic of men's psychological armor. There she is, naked, open, and he can't really touch her even when he's fucking her." I examined her face, amazed that she was thinking that deeply about sex and gender for her age. "Did you study psychology?"
She avoided my eyes. "Yes," she said in a soft voice. "I took a course in my Freshman year."
"So you're implying that despite the fact that men want to have sex, they're not really touching the women they fuck. There's always that male armor keeping them from intimacy. Am I right?"
She forced a smile. "You're one of the few to get it."
"I have a degree in psychology. I was trained to look for underlying explanations for behavior."
I moved to the next painting, which was an abstract with different colors and lines. It wasn’t at all in the same vein as her drawing, and when I examined the signature, I saw it was someone else’s work.
Still, I couldn’t get my mind off her picture of the knight and lady. There was another dimension to her that wasn’t apparent on the surface. She thought deeply about things like relations between the sexes, even if she wasn’t very experienced and even if she was repressed. Did she really think that men kept emotional armor around themselves for protection? That sex was different
for men than for women?
"Research suggests that men fall in love more easily than women," I said, keeping my voice light for I didn’t want to sound too critical. I wanted to keep the dialogue open so I could learn more about her, open her up a bit more. Well, make that all the way. "Do you really believe that men never let down their armor even during sex?"
"You tell me,” she said, her voice sounding slightly mocking. “You're the expert at keeping things compartmentalized."
"What could you possibly mean by that, Ms. Bennet?" I said in mock surprise, keeping with her tone. "Are you suggesting that I use D/s as a way to keep my distance from the women I fuck? I assure you, it's quite the opposite. I get right into their minds."
"But you don't love them. You're not really intimate with them, despite controlling them sexually."
"I'm exceedingly intimate with them." I smiled, but her assessment of me was irritating. "It all depends on how you define intimacy. Back to you and your difficulty sleeping with men on the first date." I stepped closer to her, forcing her back against the wall. She was getting a bit combative – for her – and I wanted to shut that down right away. Physical proximity usually helped. "You can't open your thighs without being intimate with a man and it bothers you that men can fuck women without being intimate, without actually caring about her the way you think they should. Am I right?"
She nodded without meeting my eyes. "My body is private,” she said and I could tell that she was upset that I couldn’t understand. But I did understand. “How can I get naked with someone I don't care about?"
"My heart is private,” I countered. “How can I care about someone who won't get naked with me?"
I stepped even closer. I could smell her perfume and her hair from where I stood. It was intoxicating. I lifted a strand of it and ran it under my nose, breathing it in. I wanted to rub my face in her hair, between her thighs and it was getting increasingly difficult to focus on the issue we were discussing with my raging hard on starting to raise its head.
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