by Barb Han
“Mitch—”
“I feel like an idiot, so don’t make it worse by showing me how little you care about me,” he said.
“That’s not true. I do care,” she said and meant it. Love? Marriage? Her feelings had only run that deep for one man—and look how that turned out.
Mitch stormed off mumbling something about walking the perimeter while making a call to Vic. There’d been so much hurt in Mitch’s eyes, hurt that she put there, proving once again that being involved with her was toxic to the other person. In Mitch’s case, it seemed more like embarrassed hurt than being truly wounded, but it was her fault no matter how she categorized it.
The front door swung open with a clank and Austin stepped outside, his expression saying that he was unaware of the heavy conversation that had taken place only a few seconds ago.
“If you want to head to the office today, we should go,” he said, and his voice was distant. Not so much his tone but the emotions in it.
“Let me grab my purse,” she said before retrieving the bag and then following him to his truck, still shocked by Mitch’s revelation.
Was she really that unaware of other people’s feelings?
In short? Yes. And Austin would be so much better off without her. Based on his tight expression he seemed to realize it, too.
* * *
MARIA SWIPED HER BADGE. A red light blinked back at her. She tried again with the same result. Great. Her badge had been temporarily deactivated, so she had to be buzzed into the regional field office at 111 Justice Street.
Walking inside the lobby area, Maria finally felt in her element.
Personal memories were coming back in pieces and she didn’t exactly like what she saw so far. To make matters worse, Austin had been quiet on the ride over and she wondered if he’d overheard any of her fight with Mitch. Surely not, but then a year was a long time. Maybe he’d changed. Or maybe she didn’t know him as well as she once thought.
“Good to see you, Maria,” Janet Alderman at the reception desk said with a smile. Janet was petite, thin and dressed like she was starring in a Men in Black movie. It was meant to be funny and Maria usually saw the humor. Janet also enjoyed the dark suits and black sunglasses sitting on top of her head that were tucked into her French braid.
“I can’t wait to get back to work,” Maria admitted before introducing Janet to Austin.
Her new coworker blushed as she popped to her feet and twirled the end of her braid around her finger. Was she flirting? Leave it to Janet to rile up Maria’s jealousy—jealousy she had no right to own. Mitch’s accusation wound through her thoughts, the one about her still being in love with her ex. Not that it mattered because she most certainly wasn’t in love with Mitch.
“It’s not the same around here without you,” Janet said, looping their arms before lowering her voice. “And why have I never met this guy before?”
Now it was Maria’s turn to blush. “Haven’t had a chance to bring him around, I guess.”
It was partially true.
Relief washed over Maria as she walked the familiar halls toward her work area. It felt good to be back at work and to have something to focus on besides her personal life, which felt like it had crumbled around her.
“Glad you could stop by to give your statement.” Vic’s voice boomed from his office as soon as they rounded the corner. He spoke louder than usual and she saw why a second later. A man in a suit stood at his doorway and she assumed the guy was from Internal Affairs.
“You want to wait out here?” she asked Austin. Her desk was tidy. Everything was kept on computers now anyway. And she couldn’t wait to dig through her electronic files. But first, she’d need to cover a base with her boss.
“Coffee?” she asked Austin.
He nodded.
“Break room is right back there.” She motioned toward the opposite wall to Vic’s office.
“I don’t mind showing him,” Janet chirped. Normally, Maria liked her coworker’s perkiness. Why was it suddenly so irritating?
“Fine. This shouldn’t take more than ten minutes,” Maria said to Janet and she wasn’t sure why she’d clarified a time frame. She chalked it up to old feelings, put on a smile and walked toward Vic’s office.
“No problem. Take your time,” Janet said. “I’ll take care of your friend.”
Maria shot Austin a look of apology at the overt flirting, but he seemed too focused on his own thoughts to really notice.
The man in the suit stuck his hand out, forgoing a smile and said, “Norm Falderal.”
“Maria O’Brien.” She took the offering and shook.
As soon as she took a seat in Vic’s office, Norm from Internal Affairs closed the door.
Chapter Eleven
“How’d it go?” Austin asked, handing Maria a cup of coffee as she plopped down in her chair at her desk. “That bad?”
“No. It’s fine. Thank you.” She took the mug. The coffee burned her throat and she liked the sensation. “It was okay. He asked pretty basic questions and I told him everything that I knew, which wasn’t a lot. It’s his job to try to rattle me or make me trip up, but I’m not lying about anything so it was mostly exhausting.” She pinched the bridge of her nose to stave off a raging headache. Caffeine. She needed more and then she really would be okay.
Maria kept to herself the stressful part where she was asked to clarify her relationship with Mitch. Dating a coworker was against policy and she’d classified her relationship with him as camaraderie. Based on their earlier conversation, he would put it in a whole different category and she felt bad for leading him on if that’s what she’d done.
Honestly, they’d only been on a handful of dates and only after she’d filed for divorce from Austin a month ago. Mitch had misconstrued that as a real relationship. Again, she felt bad about that because she probably should’ve clued him in sooner and been more honest. The whole “getting serious” this soon had caught her completely off guard and she was still shell-shocked from their conversation. Thinking about it threatened to intensify her nasty headache. She took another sip of fresh brew and moved on.
“Sounds like a step in the right direction toward figuring out who’s behind the attacks,” he said. “Did you remember anything else while you were in there? Anything new?”
“I wish. I’m starting to get patchy stuff in my personal life but not a lot about work is coming back and I’m hoping that’ll change as I go through my files,” she said, straightening and setting her cup down. The headache didn’t seem to want to loosen its grip and they didn’t have time to waste. She pushed the on button on her desktop and the screen came to life a moment later. “I’ve been granted temporary access, which basically means we have about half an hour. I’ve also been given strict orders not to pursue any leads, not that I needed to be reminded. I have no plans to run off half-cocked after a man who seems intent on hurting me while I can’t remember why.”
Misjudging her relationship with Mitch wasn’t exactly breeding confidence in her ability to read people or situations.
“I’m sure it’s just procedure for them to remind you. They’re ticking a box to protect themselves against a potential lawsuit.” He didn’t say, “Should things go sour.” And yet, those words hung in the air, reminding her just how much danger she was in. She was a target.
“You’re right. I know that. It’s just hard to feel like I’m on the outside looking in when I’m used to sitting on this side of the desk,” she said.
“It’s understandable,” Austin stated. There was something about his words, his presence that kept her nerves below panic levels. But then, he’d always had that effect on her. There were other thoughts, less appropriate to the situation, that crept in as well and they involved his arms around her and them both in a tangle of sheets where her heart felt like she
belonged.
That was a whole other slippery slope.
An hour later, she was reminded just how big her caseload was and the thought of coming back to her cases both excited her and overwhelmed her at the same time. She remembered all the late nights and long weekends and just how easy it was to slip into the role of working too much in order to set aside her personal issues. Had she been setting them aside or hiding in her work? It felt so much easier to solve other people’s problems, to be able to give closure to families so they could begin healing, to make sure a person who took advantage of a child was locked away for good rather than to deal with her own emotions. Her internal battles were far more complex and harder to dissect, let alone begin to face.
By the time Vic shouted that she needed to wrap it up she’d tagged five cases. Each one had left her with the feeling that they could be potential powder kegs.
“These are the ones you want looked at closer?” Austin asked, pointing to the checkmarks.
“Yes, but that’s going to be someone else’s job now.” She’d flagged them for her boss on the LAN and had been told that Special Agent Wheeler had been assigned to her case with Vic closely overseeing the agent’s work.
“Can you open the first one?” Austin asked.
She did, ignoring the questions surfacing.
“Click through it slowly,” he said, and she barely registered that he’d taken his phone out of his pocket.
“I can’t—”
“You’re not,” he said.
It didn’t take long for her to think about it. “This might not be a good idea, as much as I want to know—”
“Not even if it means finding the guy?” he asked in a low voice, and it sent an inappropriate shiver down her back.
Maria focused on the screen.
“You might remember something if you look at these files more in depth or if we visit a few places,” he said. “I’m not saying talk to anyone or do anything stupid. It can’t hurt to retrace some of your steps. Maybe something will stir and we can crack this case wide-open.”
She seriously considered what he was saying. He made good points. She might be able to help the investigation. She knew Special Agent Wheeler fairly well and he would probably welcome the help if she remembered something crucial. She wouldn’t have to admit to copying the files.
“Another set of eyes can’t hurt,” she conceded.
They spent another ten minutes clicking frames as her heart raced.
When they were done, she was eager to get back to the ranch and scrutinize the data. The more she thought about it, Austin was right. It would drive her crazy not to have the information available. It had already been bothering her that she couldn’t remember anything about work. If this could help, then she would be grateful.
Before they left, she stopped in to say goodbye to Vic.
“Any idea when the doctor’s planning to clear you for work again?” he asked.
“Soon, I hope.” It was true. She desperately wanted to get back into her routine. “I have an appointment tomorrow.”
“Keep me posted,” he said.
“You know I will.” Maria glanced at the candy bar on his desk. Three pieces were already gone. “Eat slowly.”
“I’m in no hurry,” he said. “Thanks for stopping by. I’m pulling Wheeler off all other projects so he can focus on yours and stop this jerk.”
“How’s Cliff?” she asked.
Vic’s desk suddenly became very interesting to him. “He’s in critical condition. Doc says the next twenty-four hours are crucial.”
“I thought he was doing better. Out of the woods.” Emotion overwhelmed her and she had to choke back a sudden burst of tears.
“He took a turn a little after three o’clock this morning,” he said.
“No,” she said quietly, trying but failing to block out images of his wife and children. A few rogue tears fell despite how hard she fought. Sending Wheeler out to investigate when it should be her made her even more grateful Austin had taken pictures of the critical files. Surely she’d tucked a memory away that could help unlock this case.
“Get some rest while we nab this jerk,” Vic said. “I need you back and in your usual form.”
She nodded.
Austin’s hand on the small of her back gave her more comfort than she should allow as she walked down the hallway. This was her home now. Work was all she had, all she cared about.
And she had to uncover the one secret that could unravel them all.
* * *
“EVERYTHING OKAY?” AUSTIN asked Maria. She’d been quiet for the past half hour and he could tell that she’d been holding something inside.
“I’m fine,” she said. Two words that meant the exact opposite in Austin’s experience.
“Are you hungry?” he asked.
“I doubt I could eat anything,” she said, staring out the window.
He hated how lost she looked. Maria was the strongest woman he knew. And her strength was sexy, an annoying little voice reminded. He quickly shut it down. Austin had met the man Tommy had said she planned to marry and the meeting had the effect he’d expected. It was real. It was clear. She’d moved on.
“Are you thinking about Cliff?” he asked.
“I can’t stop. He has a wife and children. A new baby,” she stated.
He took one hand off the steering wheel at the stoplight for long enough to stroke hers. She glanced toward him and her gaze dropped to his cell, which sat between them. He’d been careful to obstruct the casing from her view.
“May I?” she asked, motioning toward it.
He nodded as the light changed and he gripped the steering wheel again, keeping his gaze on the stretch of road ahead. Maybe he should’ve bought a new cover.
“This was always my favorite picture of us,” she said, and there was a lost quality to her voice. “We were so...”
“Stupid.”
“I was going to say happy,” she said.
To him, they meant the same thing. He’d been stupidly in love with her.
There was a long silent pause as she studied the case of his phone.
“I’m sorry about Cliff. He’s a good guy. I’m hoping that he’ll pull through with no more complications,” he said, needing to change the subject.
“And what if he doesn’t? Then I’ve destroyed another family,” she said.
Austin let those words sit for the rest of the ride home. Back on the ranch, he parked and Maria immediately hopped out of the truck. Words were building up inside him, words he needed to say to her, and the dam was weakening. He debated going after her. A few times she’d mentioned that losing their baby and their relationship had been her fault. And now she believed the same about Cliff.
The air needed to be cleared on that point, so he bolted out of the truck. “Hold on a minute, Maria.”
She whirled around and he could see tears brimming in her eyes. She’d also been a little too good at stuffing down her emotions.
“I need to get something off my chest,” he said, and a look of panic crossed her features.
“Is everything okay?” Officer Vincent, their new escort, asked.
“Yes,” Maria said as she walked to the tree line and stopped, staring into the woods.
“You know what happened isn’t your fault, right?” Austin stalked behind her, not ready to let her convict herself for a crime she didn’t commit. “Cliff—”
She whirled around on him, fire in her eyes. “Oh, but that’s where you’re wrong, Austin. It is most certainly my fault.”
“And just how do you figure that?” he asked. “What did you do?”
“Directly? I wanted to go for that walk when I should’ve stayed in my apartment. Then Cliff wouldn’t be in the hospital fighting for
his life and none of this would be happening,” she said. There was so much pain in her beautiful brown eyes when she looked at him.
“Let me get this straight,” he began, “someone is hunting you down and you believe that’s your fault.”
“If I’d done my job in the first place, then the guy wouldn’t be walking around free,” she shot back.
“Not solving an investigation sooner is somehow your fault?” he asked.
“It is if I’m failing and putting others in danger.” And with that, she let out a sob but quickly regained her composure.
It wasn’t like Maria to show her emotions and Austin had to wonder how healthy it could be to bottle them up. He should know. He’d been doing the same thing since she’d walked out.
“I’ll be in earshot if you need me,” Officer Vincent said. He seemed to realize things were heating up between them.
“Thank you,” Austin replied.
“We’re not any closer to figuring this guy out and there’s another agent watching over my shoulder who could end up hurt because—” she waved her arms around as she zeroed in on Austin “—the answer to all of this is locked somewhere inside my head and I can’t reach it.”
“You’re being too hard on yourself,” he said softly, needing to calm her down. Surely getting this worked up couldn’t be good for healing. “None of this is your fault.”
“That is just a flat-out lie. It’s the lie I tried to tell myself when my mother was killed, when my TO was murdered, when the baby died...and when I lost you. Everything, I repeat everything is my fault.” Her words were so intense he could immediately see those thoughts were deeply ingrained in her. “I can’t do this with you, Austin. I’ll meet you in the house in a few minutes.”
He stood there for a helpless second, debating his next move. There had to be a way to make her see the truth, that she’d been the victim of unfortunate circumstances and hadn’t done anything to bring those events on herself. “Maria, don’t—”