Reclaiming Conversation
Page 47
in meetings, 255, 257–260, 275
multitasking and, see multitasking
unitasking and, see unitasking
attentional pluralism, 219
Austen, Jane, 69
avatars, 6, 84, 131
backchanneling, in classrooms and meetings, 218
behavioral economics, 246
behavioral therapy (cognitive), 94, 95
Bentham, Jeremy, 305
Bettelheim, Bruno, 236–37
BlackBerrys, 260, 271
blogging, 309–10
Bloom, Allan, 307
boredom, 4, 23, 26, 36, 38–40, 56, 62, 66, 68, 73, 74, 77, 151, 214, 322–23, 357
challenge of, 218–19
in classroom, 214, 215, 218–19, 238, 242
negotiating, 70–72
willingness to shock oneself to avoid, 10
see also quiet moments and silence
Born Digital (John Palfrey and Urs Gasser), 222
Boston Consulting Group (BCG), 287
brain, 69, 125, 318
attention and, 220, 221
emotional processing in, 41, 318
eye contact, 170
mirror neurons in, 342
multitasking and, 213, 220, 321
plasticity of, 221
solitude and, 61, 62
“use it or lose it” quality of, 110
brainstorming, versus the greater productivity of people thinking creatively on their own, 258
breakfast meetings as facilitators of conversation, 272–74, 283
breast-feeding while texting, 236–37, 326
browsers, privacy and, 304, 312, 313
bubble, information, 50, 307
Bucciarelli, Louis, 233
bullying, 26, 106, 119, 165–166
Bush, Vannevar, 76, 320
business, see work, workplace; work meetings
Cain, Susan, 60–61, 67
call centers, increased productivity if employees have occasions to talk together, 252
caring, meaning of word, 52
“caring machines,” 52, 361
Carr, Nicholas, 110, 225
Carson, Rachel, 4
catastrophe culture, 299–301
cell phones, see phones
chairs, as a metaphor for thinking about conversation, inspired by Henry David Thoreau, 10–11, 46, 317, 337
first (for solitude and self-reflection), 10–11, 16, 46–47, 235–36
second (for friends, family, and romantic partners), 10–11, 16, 47, 235–36
third (for social world), 10–11, 14, 16, 48, 235–36
fourth (for machines), 16–17, 51–53, 337, 338, 359
chat, online, 34, 35–36
arguments and, 103, 105, 195
student collaboration and, 244–45
Chatroulette, 184
child-parent relationships, see parents and children
choice,
dating and, 180, 182, 183–85
infinite, 145–147, 182, 183, 184
paradox of, 182
civil rights movement, 297–98
importance of “strong ties” to, 298
Woolworth’s lunch counter sit-in, 298
C.K., Louis, 59–60, 61, 66, 124–25
classrooms, 14, 48-49, 138, 211–48
actors as potential teachers in online courses, 238
anonymous polling and comments in, 239–40, 242, 243
anxiety about speaking in, 238–40
blended or flipped, 228, 231, 242
boredom in, 214, 215, 218–19, 238, 242
clickers, use of in, 239–40, 242
defending ideas in real time in, 240–41, 242
devices in, 6, 14–15, 72, 121, 164–65, 212–14, 215–17, 225–27
discussions in, 8, 48, 121, 212, 223–24, 240–41, 242
hyper attention and, 217–21, 222
lectures in, 73, 215, 228, 231, 232, 234–35, 236, 237–38, 241, 242
multitasking in, 213–17
non-cognitive skills and, 230
no-phone rules in, 121, 213–14
note taking in, 225–27
technology and, 232–33, 242–44
texting in, 164–65, 212–14, 217, 243
Twitter and, 242–43
see also education; schools, schoolchildren
climate change, talking about, 16, 300, 310, 311
cockpit analogy, see pilot in cockpit analogy
Coding War Games, 67
coffeehouses, political virtues of, 332–33
Colbert, Stephen, 19, 34
collaboration, 46–47, 48, 252–53, 255, 271, 287
illusion of, 258
intimacy and, 246
multitasking and, 258–59
students and, 244–45
see also work meetings
college students, 31, 42, 53–54, 137–38, 143, 259
collaboration among, 244–45
and communicating with faculty, 54, 230, 247–48, 331
decline in empathy in, 21, 170–71
educational videos and, 220–21
face-to-face meetings of, 245
and value of conversations, 246–47
Columbia University, 230
commoditization, (of professional work) 288–89
community, 49, 112, 173, 183
family and, 114
computer games, 6–7, 63–64, 293, 351–54, 360
avatars in, 6, 84
computer culture, transition from psychoanalytic culture to, 89
computer programmers, 67, 277–78
computers:
programs for that disenable WiFi, 215
in classrooms, 6, 14–15, 72, 164–65, 212, 215–17, 225–27
concentration, 164
see also focus and attention
conflict, 52–53
in families, 29, 103, 105, 121, 126–31, 169
learning from moments of, 325
conformity:
and the online life, 305–307, 322
and crowdsourcing, 310
and other-direction, 224
connection:
constant, 46, 67, 147–48, 167, 212
disconnection anxiety and, 67–68, 74, 75, 286
interruption as, 37, 125
moving from conversation to, 21–22, 27, 29
short bits of, 34–35
consolation and support, found in texts and electronic messages, 155–57 172
Constitution (U.S.), 328
controversial opinions, reticence to have them, 311, 322, 327
conversation(s):
in classrooms, 8, 48, 121, 212, 223–24, 239–41, 242
creating environments that support, 171
“death” of, 137, 139, 143
designing for, in work culture, 274–81, 283–88
difficult, 118, 265, 301, 324, 327–29
face-to-face, see face-to-face conversation
in family, 105–7, 118, 121, 136; see also family
flight from, 4, 13, 14, 15–16, 19–56
forgetting how to have (and voyages of forgetting), 16, 17, 116, 339
keeping it light (in presence of phones), 20, 21, 160
listening during, 71–72, 109–10, 118, 129–30, 161–62, 163, 165
lulls in, 23, 26, 39, 150, 151, 153, 322
machines and, see machines
in medicine, 281–83
mentoring for, 264, 284
moving to mere connection from, 21–22, 27, 29
open-ended, 4, 13, 22, 250, 276
phone, see phone calls and conversations
phys
ical proximity and, 271
putting people “on pause” in, 124, 345
real-time aspect of, 22, 35, 129, 143, 148, 149, 240–41
“rule of three” and, 19-20, 30, 160, 254
sacred spaces for, 44, 136, 235, 318, 320–21
“seven-minute rule” and, 153–54, 155, 322–23
social scientists and, 8
in therapy, 8, see also work of, 8–11
Coursera, 230, 231
“Cover the Night,” 294
creativity and innovation, 39, 47, 64, 287, 288, 319, 320
“lightbulb moments” and, 76–77
privacy and, 67
solitude and, 62, 67
crises, see catastrophe culture; emergencies and crises
cruelty, permission we give ourselves online for, 165–66, 206, see bullying
Csikszentmihalyi, Mihaly, 73–74, 174–75
data, see information and data
dating, 45, 177–207,
advice on (from machines), 355
choice and, 182, 183–85
maximizing strategies and, 183
Tinder and, 38, 179–80, 181–82, 184, 185
see also romance
Davis, Katie, 323, 324
daydreaming, 74, 77, 219, 322–23
see also mindwandering
death:
in family, 92, 135–36
mourning after, 135–36
news of, 44–45
750 Words and thoughts of, 90–91, 93
De Botton, Alain, 177
deep attention, 217, 219, 221
deep reading, 69, 111, 221
democracy, 50, 331, 332
privacy and, 301, 303, 310, 316
Deresiewicz, William, 77–78, 173
Deschanel, Zooey, 339–40
designing for vulnerability (and for conversation), 30-31, 43, 55, 126, 171, 216, 261, 274–76, 286, 361
device-free times and places, 44, 55, 123, 136, 318, 321
meetings, 275, 285
no-phones policies, 121, 212–14, 259–60
summer camps, 11, 26, 104, 114–15, 175–76, 317–18
diary, see journaling
dinner, 47, 104, 106–7, 331
Jobs, Steve, attitudes about devices during, 55
phones at, see mealtimes, phones at
disagreements (arguments):
chat and texting (online) as a place for, 103, 105, 126–132, 195
email and, 266–67
face-to-face, 103, 127–31, 195
in family life, 29, 103, 105, 121, 126–31, 169
in romantic relationships, 194–96
in workplace, 15
disconnection, anxiety about, 67–68, 74, 75, 286
“Disconnect to Connect,” 360-361
documentation, as a life aesthetic, 125, 167–68
Google Glass and, 168–70
dolls, psychological differences from sociable robots, 343–44
downtime, 70–71, 164, 250
see also daydreaming
Dropbox, 258
earphones, as way of signaling desire for solitude, 286
Edelman, Lee, 240
editing messages, 21, 22, 28, 36, 37, 54, 107, 128, 139, 143, 149, 200–201
education, 211–48
attentional pluralism and, 219
collaboration and, 244–45
databases (E-Memory), impact on, 224
grazing and, 222–23
hyper attention and, 218
lectures in, 74, 215, 228, 231, 232, 234–35, 236, 237–38, 241, 242
MOOCs and, see MOOCs
narrative and, 222–23
online, 48, 230, 232, 234, 238; see also MOOCs
Project Athena (MIT), 234–35, 236
technology and, 232–33, 242–44
see also classrooms; college students; schools, schoolchildren
educational (online), 220-21
edX, 211
elderly, robot companions and the, 358–60
Electronic Freedom Foundation, 312
Eliot, George, 170
ELIZA (computer program), 341
email, 28, 29, 148–49, 320
answering, 149
apologies and, 32, 265, 267
appellate court justices and, 263–64
contrast with face-to-face meetings, 262–64
conversations avoided via, 264–67
misunderstandings and (in the workplace), 266, 267
privacy and, 86, 303, 304, 305, 312
sending in bursts (in the workplace), 280
sending late at night (in the workplace) , 277, 280
in student-faculty communications, 54, 247–48
as “talking,” 149, 252
work-related, 149, 261–63, 264–67, 275, 277, 280, 319–320
E-memory, 224–25
emergencies and crises, 293
catastrophe culture and, 299–301
phones and, 26, 53, 158, 160, 299
and responding to messages, 299
emojis, 132
emoticons, 23, 170, 189–90
emotional exposure, fear of, 265
emotional intelligence, 162
collective, 347–48
emotions:
brain’s processing of, 41, 318
children’s learning about, 356
communication methods and, 23
control of, 129–30
and hurting others’ feelings, 162, 164, 165–66
multitasking and, 213
negative and positive, 41
and punctuation in messages, 132–33
social media and, 25, 40–41, 314
technology and, 40–42, 51–52, 138
empathy, 3–17, 25, 36, 41, 55, 66, 111, 117, 118, 161–62, 171, 172–73, 180, 323, 358
as accompaniment and commitment, 172
apologies and, 32–33
capacity for, 172, 276, 317
Louis C.K. on, 59, 61
in college students, 21, 170–71
device-free summer camp and, 11, 317
equanimity and listening in, 129–30
eye contact and, 170
face-to-face conversation and, 165, 170–71
family conversations and, 106
and hurting others’ feelings, 162, 164, 165–66
learning, 117
literary fiction and, 69
machines and, 338, 340, 347
in middle school children, 5–6, 7, 68–69, 165–66
modeling of, 27
in romantic relationship, 199, 202, 205, 206
technology and, 21,172, 360–61
workplace and, 276
empathy gap, 3, 33, 360–61
empathy machines, idea of, 168–70
employees:
hiring, using conversation as a criterion, 45–46
see also work, workplace
engineers, and “difficult conversations,” 324
Erikson, Erik, 64, 77, 113
“Ethics, Biotechnology, and the Future of Human Nature” (Harvard Course), 241–42
etiquette, 136, 254–55, 345
evocative objects, 81, 88, 131, 228–29, 359
eye contact, 4, 36, 108–9, 170, 325
Facebook, 11, 12, 24, 41, 43, 63, 70, 72, 75, 81, 82–83, 88, 117, 118, 137–38, 140–43, 151, 152, 167, 168, 174, 301, 303, 309, 357
cruelty on, 165–66
data collection by, 311, 315
getting off of, 147–48, 167
highlights collage of, 87–88
journaling vs., 82, 83
mood experiment by, 314
/> performance and, 24, 83, 84
politics and, 295, 296
profiles on, 137–38, 139
romance and, 178, 186–87
self-reflection and, 83
and thinking about the past, 75
voter turnout and, 314
weak ties and, 297
work meetings and, 259, 261
Facebook zone, 72–74, 185
FaceTime (app), 105, 139, 140
face-to-face conversation, 3, 4, 7, 13, 16–17, 25, 35, 42, 43, 139, 189, 246, 317
apologies and, 32–35, 265, 267
breakups and, 25
in classrooms, 7, 48
disagreements and, 103, 127–31, 195
emotional bonding and, 23
empathy and, 165, 170–71
in family, 121, 127–31
leadership culture and, 272
text messages and, 140–41
at workplace, 15, 29, 48, 55, 251–53, 288
Falk, Adam, 247
family, 103–36
checking location of family members, 130–31, 134–35
community and, 114
conflict and problems in, 29, 103, 105, 121, 126–31, 169
conversation in, 105–7, 118, 121, 127–31, 136
friends as, 142–43
phones at mealtimes with, 42, 47, 104, 109, 110, 112–15, 118–21, 284, 345
social media use in, 112
stress and, 117–18
television and, 111–12, 115
texting used for difficult conversations in, 105, 127–31
see also parents and children
Fear of Missing Out (FOMO), 145, 146–47
feedback and tracking devices, 89, 90–91, 93–96, 99, 306
fiction, literary, and empathy, 69, 111
field trip (case study of father’s being distracted on phone during), 122–23, 124, 125
fieldwork, analogy with live lecture, 241
Find My Friends (app), 134–35, 304
Fitbit, 90–91
flirtation, 178, 179, 182, 188, 190
flow, 73–74
focus, 219, 220, 260–61, 264
see also attention and concentration
forgiveness, importance of face-to-face meeting for, 32, 169
Foucault, Michel, 305, 306
Franklin, Benjamin, 90
Freedom (app), 215
Freud, Sigmund, 80
friction-free, 179–80, 293, 356
friends, friendship, 136, 137–76
attention in, 150, 154, 160
being “on call” for, 158–61
being on phone when with, 154–56
best, children’s view of, 163
comfort, consolation, and support in, 152, 155, 156, 172
contractual notions in, 167
as family, 142–43
and fear of missing out, 145, 146–47
funny moments and, 174
generations and technology in, 139–42