Almost Grace
Page 17
There are twenty of us from around Cape Town, all with some form of ‘mad, bad, or sad’-ness. We have to attend all day, Monday to Friday. When you first arrive, you have to sign an agreement to not indulge in self-harm while you are here. A girl had to leave because she cut herself over the weekend. Everyone in the group was very angry; surely if she was cutting herself she needed help even more. But they like their rules around here.
Generally the others’ lives are a lot more fucked up than mine. Some of their stories blow my mind. There’s no one else here with an ‘eating disorder’ (‘Let’s call a spade a spade, Grace’ were the psychologist’s first words), which was both a disappointment and a relief. In fact, the therapists and social workers are not particularly interested in the not eating bit, apart from weighing me once a week and growling if I’m lighter. Here it’s all about ‘How does that make you feel?’ and ‘taking ownership of your anger’.
We spend the days doing art therapy and role-playing and other ridiculous activities. It’s annoying how insightful a guided daydream can be. Sometimes the counsellors decide to give you a rough time and push you into dark places which is raw and rubbish, but overall it feels a bit like being in Rory’s shitty office, except here they’re never going to give up on you.
There is a boy here, two years older than me. He seems to focus on being as disruptive as possible, and drives the staff at the unit mad. I get stomach cramps from laughing at the things he says, but deep down I know he’s a searcher. Like me.
Author’s Note
Almost Grace grew out of a question that kept nagging me once I’d finished my first book, Leopold Blue. As with many books about teenage protagonists, Leopold has a strong ‘coming of age’ theme, and afterwards I found myself thinking about people and characters who don’t want to grow up, and why. Then I thought, And what would happen if you dumped two such characters together in a stressful situation? – and about that time Spook and Grace arrived fully formed in my head.
I gave Grace many of the feelings I had when I was her age. As I neared the end of school I couldn’t see a place for myself in the world and wanted to disappear. As I felt more out of control in the external world I turned inwards and found the perfect way to create order. We all have ways of coping in a stressful situation. The trouble starts when we allow these behaviours to cut us off from what it is we are finding difficult to cope with. As strange as it may sound, not eating is very addictive and all-consuming. It is a way of pushing back reality and change.
Spook, on the other hand, has chosen a Peter Pan life. On the surface he is free, and presents a very attractive alternative way of life. But beneath this carefree exterior Spook is stuck at a point in his life from which he is unable to grow and evolve as a person. It was important for Grace to understand that his freedom is illusionary.
The primary tension of the story was always about Grace and Spook’s chance meeting and the sense of recognition they feel for each other. I do believe that some people come into our lives for a reason – and sometimes they are there simply to deliver a message. I attended a programme similar to the one Grace goes to at the end of the book, and one day a staff member said something to me that completely changed the way I saw myself. I didn’t see him again after I left the centre, but because of those words he has probably been one of the most influential people in my life.
Grace doesn’t leave Baboon Point ‘fixed’; she leaves, instead, on the brink of a new phase of her life. What she understands at the end is that she’s a ‘searcher’, someone who is compelled to find answers and meaning in her life. This characteristic will always propel her forward, sometimes into situations she finds uncomfortable. But knowing and accepting who she is means that Grace no longer needs to express her insecurities by punishing her body.
Thanks
I am incredibly lucky to have had the unfailing encouragement and brilliant editorial eye of Matilda Johnson and the Hot Key team. Thanks also to Emily Thomas, who, when I pitched my very sketchy idea for this book, simply replied, ‘I trust you.’ A terrifying response! And, as ever, to my agent, Claire Wilson.
So many people have contributed to this book. Special thanks to Mary McNicholas, Ninon Thomson, Atalanta Georgopolous, Sarah Morris Keating, Elspeth Morrison and Alison Nagle. Thank you Cath and Spark for sharing your house and the magic of the West Coast; and Josie van Helden for your ideas back at the very beginning. Also to Stephen Knight and Romesh Gunesekera.
Most importantly, to Johnny, Saffron, Bella and Viola. Your curiosity and delight with the world inspire stories every day.
Rosie Rowell
Rosie Rowell was born and grew up in Cape Town, South Africa. After completing a BA degree in English and Economics at the University of Cape Town, Rosie arrived in the UK on a short working holiday and never quite managed to leave. She now lives in the wilds of West Sussex with her husband and three children, but returns to South Africa as often as the bank balance will allow. She has recently completed an MA in Creative and Life Writing at Goldsmiths University of London. Her first novel, Leopold Blue, was published by Hot Key Books in 2014.
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First published in Great Britain in 2015 by Hot Key Books
Northburgh House, 10 Northburgh Street, London EC1V 0AT
Text copyright © Rosie Rowell 2015
The moral rights of the author and illustrator have been asserted.
All rights reserved.
No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored or transmitted in any form by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying or otherwise, without the prior written permission of the publisher.
All characters in this publication are fictitious and any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.
A CIP catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.
ISBN: 978-1-4714-0128-2
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