The Red Fox: A Romance

by Kim Hunter

  She turned back to him. “You don't even know me.”

  “But I know what I see inside you. I know how you make me feel. I know more than all the fools in this town. Go,” he pointed to a tree stump.“Sit.”

  She did as he asked.

  “Do you want me to pose?”

  “No, I want you to relax. I want you to be exactly who you normally are.”

  “Who am I, normally?” she asked.

  “You tell me,” he replied, already starting on his sketch. “This time, lets keep our clothes on and just talk, OK?”

  “A man asking me to keep my clothes on,” she replied. “Now that's a first.”

  She sat for ten minutes while he sketched away. She wasn't even sure why she was letting him draw her. She didn't want a picture of herself. She had to look at her sad eyes in the mirror each morning. She didn't want another reminder of herself. She was trying to get away from herself, from her life. But she did leave him stranded in the woods yesterday, and in hindsight she could see how that was really a mean thing to do, but what he did was just so unexpected. He could have so easily slept with her, but he didn't. He could have had her body, but he wanted more, he wanted to know what was in her heart. She had battled all night with what had happened. Half her heart was telling her he was different from all the rest, the other half telling her he was just playing games like all the rest, just like all the other guys that had passed through her life.

  She was torn, not knowing what to do or say to him. She was still keeping her internal defenses high, but she let him draw her. It was the least she could do. Then they'd be even, she told herself.

  “OK, you can take a look now,” Jay said.

  She stood up and sat next to him. He passed her his sketch book. As she looked at her portrait she felt an overwhelming urge to cry. In his portrait she was more than beautiful, she looked truly happy. The beauty was also different. It wasn't the kind of beauty she saw in the mirror. She knew she was good looking, but she didn't see herself as beautiful, not like how she looked in the sketch. She had never seen purity in her face before, but she saw it now. It was incredible.

  “Where did the smile come from? I wasn't smiling the whole time,” she asked.

  “I told you I wanted to show you what I see inside you.”

  “You think I'm smiling on the inside?”

  “Yes, I think you are.”

  “But I feel so sad,” she said honestly. “I think I'm crying on the inside.”

  “But you're not,” he said. “It's what you believe that makes you sad, and what you believe is not the truth. You believe you are what everyone else tells you. You think you're not worthy of a better life, worthy of respect. But that's not who you are. It's just what others have labeled you.” He looked into her eyes, “Do you know who you are—who you are?”

  She stared at the picture. “I did. When I was younger. A long time ago. But it was a long time ago.” She turned to him. “Why do you see me this way,” pointing to the picture. “I look so happy, so free. My eyes are alive; my whole appearance so pure.”

  “Because, I'm able to see inside people,” he replied.

  “Oh, you have magical powers too?” she asked. Her Nanna's stories rushed back into her mind.

  “No, there's nothing magical about it,” Jay said. “It's just about honesty. I've battled against becoming what others have expected of me most of my life, too. For different reasons than yours, but the fight not to give in to the pressure of others is just the same.”

  He lit another two cigarettes and handed her one of them.

  “I want to discover myself, that's all I really want out of life. I want to know myself—not just try and be who people tell me I am, or what I should be. I don't want to give up my true self and just blend into the crowd. I'm fighting to know who I am, even when it isn't what others want me to be.”

  He pointed to his sketch book. “My dad is a lawyer, and my mom a doctor. They want me to be like them. I could be like them, too. I'm smart enough, but it's not who I am. I'm an artist. I want to live my life, not the life others want for me.”

  He turned and looked into her eyes, and continued, “It's hard to see who you are, to search inside, but when you start doing it, you also gain the ability to see inside others, too. You begin to see the beauty in them, even when no one else can. And I see that beauty in you.” He shook his head before looking back at her and saying, “I don't care if others can't see it, but I care that you can't see it.”

  He closed his sketch book. “You don't believe it, but it's true.”

  He stood up and walked to her side, opened his sketch book again and put it in her hand, pointing to the portrait he had just drawn. “When you see yourself like you are in this picture, you'll see how bright your inner smile is, too. You'll see just how valuable you really are.”

  She stared at the picture. A mix of emotions clashing against each other. She continued staring as she said. “I've done so much wrong. I deserve the reputation I have.” She looked up at him. “Do you understand that? I am what people say about me.”

  Jay dropped the butt of his cigarette on the ground and stepped on it.

  “No, you're not,” he said, “You're beautiful on the inside. You're clean on the inside. You're a masterpiece on the inside. You have so much to give to the world. So much love, so much joy, so much grace, but you have to believe it. You have to see what I can see in you.”

  “You don't even know me.”

  “Then let me know you. Let me listen. That's all I want. That's all I'm asking for.”

  She shook her head. She wanted him to know her, but she didn't know if she could trust him. She hadn't trusted anyone for so long.

  Jay continued, “Yesterday, in the woods, that's what I wanted. Not your body. I just wanted to get to know you. When I first saw you, I knew I'd remember you forever. You felt that, too, didn't you? The feeling that even if we had never met again, even if I had gone straight back to New York, you'd never forget me? You'd never forget the moment when our eyes locked?”

  She nodded. That moment. It was that moment that had moved her to sit next to him in class, to pull him into the closet, to take him into the woods. She didn't know what else to do but to draw him in sexually. She didn't even want that, she wanted just what he did. She wanted to know why that moment, those few seconds they saw each other for the first time, meant so much to her. She wanted to understand why she wanted to be close to him; but all she knew about getting close with someone was through her sexuality. But now, for the first time, she had the chance to draw close to someone with her heart instead of her body. It moved her and scared her at the same time. She had defended her heart her whole life, could she now open its doors and let someone in?

  “I moved to Jacksonville because I was being constantly harassed in my last school. That was my reason for moving here, but you're the reason I want to stay,” Jay said. “When I first saw you, when we first looked into each other's eyes, why did it matter? I've looked into the eyes of hundreds of people and those moments didn't touch my soul, so why did it matter so much when we first saw each other? Why do I feel my heart move within me when I'm with you? Why won't I ever forget you, even if you walked away now and never came back? I want to know why. I just want to get to know you and understand why we shared that moment.”

  She looked down at the drawing in her hand again. That smile. Was that really her smile? But, if he learned of her past, would he still feel the same way he did now?

  “I've made so many mistakes.”

  “There are no mistakes in a masterpiece,” Jay said. “Imperfections, but no mistakes.”

  She shook her head. “I'm not a masterpiece.”

  “So I've been told. But I believe you are.”

  “Why?” she said, slightly frustrated. “Why do you see me as a masterpiece if I'm so imperfect?”

  Jay took a deep breath. “Because it's the imperfections that make a masterpiece unique.”

  He
pulled the portrait out of his sketch book, handed it to her, then packed his sketch book away. “We've all got imperfections, but that doesn't disqualify us from being a masterpiece. On the contrary, it's what makes us one—you just have to have eyes to see it.”

  She looked down at the portrait in her hand. A work of art? Could she really see herself as being a work of art, a masterpiece even? Could she allow herself to change her perspective?

  “Can I keep this?” she asked.

  “Will you meet me here tomorrow, to talk?”

  “Will you draw me again?”

  He smiled. “I'll draw you everyday if you'll let me.”

  10.

  Berkley made his way down to the football field. There was no training that day, but liked being on the field. It was there he was the King. It was there he was the Man. He ran the length of the field, stopping every ten meters to do some pushups. He wasn't really interested in training more, but just standing on the field gloating about his awesomeness would make him look like chump. So, the genius he thought he was, he pretended to be training. He was sure some of the hotter girls in school were hiding up on the hill watching him.

  He was the Man, so why was he still trying to win back Leaf? She was a nobody. If anything, he was insulted that she wasn't taking her place next to the King. She could be the Queen of the school next to him. She could be loved, envied. But she just threw it all in his face. She didn't want him, and he hated the thought.

  He was the Berkley. Everyone wanted him.

  She had enjoyed his incredible company, his incredible Beast, too, and now she wanted it no more? How could that be? The whole situation greatly confused him. He was genuinely shocked at how she was acting.

  He began to grin to himself. It was just a game. She was just playing, that's all. She wanted him. She wanted him like everyone else. She was wet with anticipation for their next romp in the bedroom. Yes, he was sure of it!

  But what about New Guy—that long faced beaver, that blonde haired goose—what was he doing between them?

  As he was thinking about all these thing, he noticed Brick walking down the hill to the field. Even from the distance between them he could make out his facial features. The guy had a moon face like no other.

  Berkley stopped his pseudo training and began to stretch as he did his cool down, making sure to give a good flex for all the ladies hiding up on the hill. Of course there were no girls secretly watching him on the hill, but the King believed there was. In fact, he imagined they would all race home and feel themselves up with the memory of his awesomeness. That was no joke. He really believed that happened.

  He made his way over to Brick who was standing on the side line.

  “So, what did you find out about New Guy?” Berkley asked.

  Brick flashed his huge goofy smile at him.

  “I got the computer nerd who does my homework to dig up some dirt on New Guy,” he replied. “And you wouldn't believe what he found out.”

  “Hit me with it.”

  “The reason he left his last school was because of bullying.”

  Berkley raised his head into the air and began to howl.

  “Oh, that's too good. He's not just your regular yellow belly. He's an interstate coward!” He turned to Brick, and said, “Well, I don't think we should let him run away from his fears that easily.”

  He gave Brick their regular handshake. It was a complicated mash of knuckle knocks, sips, and slaps. It looked ridiculous, but Berkley and Brick thought it was a sign of ultimate sophistication.

  Big Face and Peewee knocking knuckles. Oh yes, classy indeed.

  11.

  Day Three started with a bang.

  As soon as Jay arrived at school he was met once again by Brick.

  “Hey, Jay, I've got another question for you.”

  “About your brother?”

  “Ah, well, No, but since you brought him up,” the question caused Brick to make a detour in their discussion, “I do have a question about him, too,” he said awkwardly.

  “What's that? I know him well, good ol' . . . Brad, right?” Jay couldn't help but play along with what was possibly the most gullible giant he had ever encountered. “And I'm more than willing to help. I know everyone in New York, especially Big Face Brad.”

  “Well,” Brick said, “this is a little awkward to talk about.”

  “It's got to do with the event, doesn't it?” Jay said, trying to keep things as general as possible.

  Brick pulled him to the side of the hallway.

  “How did you know?”

  “Me and Brad were pretty tight. You know how it is with New Yorkers, we stick together.”

  “Did he tell you about the night before he left Jacksonville, when he walked into my room?”

  Everything in Jay told him to stop playing with fire, but he couldn't. He just could not walk away from this conversation. He had to find out just what this event was.

  “Yes, he did,” Jay lied. “He told me everything.”

  Brick lowered his voice. His goofy face suddenly had a very serious looking expression.

  “So you know about my mom's G-String?

  What the heck? Jay thought.

  “Oh yeah, sure. He was pretty descriptive about the whole G-String thing.”

  “Did he say he believed me?” Brick asked, his voice low, “That it was a joke?” Brick leaned closer. He moved his giant moon face quickly side to side, double checking that no one could hear him, and said, “I was trying it on just as a joke—I swear!”

  Jay's eyes widened in shock. He didn't know whether he wanted to laugh or cry. One thing he knew for sure: he didn't want to visualize it. Too much information! He keep a straight face and tried to get out of the conversation immediately.

  He nodded at Brick and said. “Not at first, but I convinced him you were telling the truth.”

  A wave of relief poured over Brick's face. “Geez, thanks! You know, it really was meant to be a joke. ”

  Jay smiled at him sympathetically. “Of course it was . . . he just walked in a little too early, nothing more—Now, let's forget this conversation ever happened, OK?”

  Jay winked at Brick who was nodding rapidly in agreement.

  As Jay began to walk down the hall, again he felt the mountain following him.

  “Hey, there's something else,” Brick said.

  Jay turned and looked at Moon Face. “What's that?”

  “Berkley wanted me to give you a message.”

  Jay's heart suddenly sunk. His universe collapsed into his lap.

  “Oh, yeah? What's that?”

  “He says you better not show your face at the Ball on Friday.”

  Brick patted him on the back, “I'm just the messenger, but let me give you some advice. I'd pay attention to the warning. When Berkley makes a request, people obey—got it?”

  Jay nodded, wondering why Berkley would care if he went to the Ball or not.

  12.

  “You know Berkley's got it in for you, right? His fan club have been spreading the word all morning.” Rick wasn't smiling.

  “Yeah, so I've heard,” Jay replied. “What do you think he wants?”

  “According to popular opinion, he wants to make New Guy soup.”

  Jay sighed. He pulled out his books for the next class and shut his locker.

  “If you want, I can talk to Ms. Hopkins about it. Get her to intervene.”

  “No, I tried that in my last school. It just made things worse. This time I'm just going to stay out of his way.”

  “Good,” Rick said. “And while your at it, stay away from Leaf, too. She's the source of all your problems, you know?”

  Jay turned to his friend. “No, she's my solution—I can't stay away from her. I won't.”

  “Solution? To what, Berkley?”

  “No—to me. She's the solution to my problem. It's got nothing to do with Berkley.”

  Rick stole a glance down the hallway, momentarily distracted by a pack of cute blond
es that just passed by. He returned his focus to Jay.

  “You're going to have to be clearer than that, Picasso. You're making about as much sense as a poet in a blender at the moment,” Rick said.

  Jay pointed to his chest.

  “There's something in me I don't understand. Something I'm looking for but can't find. Something about who I am I can't figure out on my own. I've tried. I'm still trying, but there's always been something in my way. When I'm with her, I feel it. The part of me that's a mystery. I feel it moving. I feel it calling out to me. I can't walk away from her. I need her. She's the key to unlocking this hidden part of me, the part I've been seeking all my life.”

  Rick blew his hair out of his face. “You're deep, man.” When he turned and glanced down the hallway, his smile fell off his face. “Deep in the shitter, too. Here comes Berkley.”

  “Hey, New Guy,” Berkley called out.

  Jay turned and stared at him. Berkley had stopped about ten feet away from him. He pointed to his feet.

  “Come here. I got something I want to talk to you about.”

  “Get out of here,” Rick whispered. “Now!”

  Jay turned to run, and run he did . . . straight into Brick, who was standing there with his big goofy face beaming down at him.

  He felt fear start to shake his insides. His stomach cramped up and he realized he couldn't run. He was trapped.

  Right at that moment, Leaf walked into the empty space between them. All the students standing nearby formed a circle around them.

  “What's going on here?” Her question was directed at Berkley.

  “We're just talking, like men, aren't we, New Guy?”

  “Berkley, is this about the Ball?” she asked.

  He smiled at her, then looked back to Jay with anger in his eyes. “That's exactly what we're talking about.”

  “Leave him alone!”

  “Is he a man or a mouse?” Berkley snapped back. “I do believe you told me he was a man,” he shot daggers at Jay with his eyes, “So, let him be a man! Or does he need a woman to protect him?”