Hour of Mischief

by Aimee Hyndman

  After several long moments of silence, I held up a finger. “Can you give me one moment please?”

  Laetatia nodded. I stood, strode over to Itazura, who actually had the gall to pour himself a drink during this revelation, and punched him as hard as I could. With my left arm of course.

  His glass shattered as it hit the floor and he stumbled away from me. “Ow! Damn it all, little thief. Stop doing that!” he said.

  “No, I think she has every right,” Laetatia said. “You’ve made her the most wanted girl in the eight realms of Memoria.”

  “You son of a bitch,” I said. “You don’t think you could have warned me about that little detail before you made a pact with me? I already knew my life was in danger but this. This is . . . this is. . . .” I swayed on the spot as the alcohol started to take hold again. “Damn you,” I mumbled.

  Itazura caught me before I could face plant, but that didn’t make me loathe him any less. I continued to curse him as he dragged me back over to the couch and draped me over the soft, velvety surface. But the cushion beneath my cheek made sleep sound more inviting than any amount of damning.

  “You have to understand why I did this,” Itazura said in a low voice to Laetatia. “The human said it herself. Both of us need humans. We can’t just let this happen. And this whole ‘standing our ground’ plan might not work. I would have argued the point myself, but after Father and Mother forbid me from speaking about the apocalypse, I didn’t have a lot of choices”

  “Yes, clearly seeking the help of a human child was the next logical option.”

  “She’s more than a child Laetatia. Trust me. I think. . . .” Itazura paused. “I think she has a better chance of surviving the elder gods than others.”

  I wanted to ask what he meant but I didn’t have the energy. My head was about as clear as the tap water of the slums.

  “I don’t care how smart or talented you think she is. She’s still a human.”

  “Just get on my side, Lae. That’s all I need,” Itazura pleaded. “If a few of us spread the word then–”

  “One of us or several of us, it doesn’t matter. Mother and Father won’t be any less angry. And the uppity ones like Amontillado and Cheveyo won’t be pleased either.”

  “Does it matter what they think? The clock is ticking Laetatia. Even if what I said isn’t true, which it is, we have to think about our own domains. They aren’t affected like we are if the human realms are sent straight to the abyss.”

  Laetatia sighed. The ice in her glass clinked as she swirled the last bit of liquor around. “Yes. I must admit your human friend can make a pretty good argument in her half drunken state.”

  She nodded at me. “I do need humans almost as much as you do. Kind of sad to admit but it’s true.” She tipped her head back and drained her glass. “But I’m not willing to split the blame for this half and half with you, because there’s a whole lot of blame to be had. If you want me to take this risk with you, then you have to get someone else on our side. Win over one other god. Then I’ll spread the word.” She looked at me. “I promise.”

  “Thank you,” I murmured, trying to push myself off the couch but failing miserably. The alcohol in my system really wanted me to sleep. “My gods, this couch is comfortable.”

  Laetatia chuckled. “I believe you’ve worn your human out, Itazura.”

  “I did no such thing. It was her idea to challenge you.”

  “Well, if nothing else you are bold,” Laetatia stood. “I need another drink. I’ll let you two take this room for tonight. Sleep off the alcohol before you try anything too strenuous. If you have a wicked hangover when you wake up, which you will, come to me for my personal remedy.” She opened the door and started to leave, but leaned back in before she disappeared. “What’s your name, human? I don’t believe I ever caught it.”

  “Janet,” I said.

  “Janet.” Laetatia winked. “Well, I enjoyed our little drinking game, Janet.”

  “You’re more impulsive than I thought,” Itazura said when the door had closed.

  “And you’re even more of a bastard,” I said into the pillow.

  Itazura sighed. “You should get some rest, little thief.”

  “What, do you think if I sleep I’ll forget everything I heard tonight?”

  “I wouldn’t mind it,” Itazura joked, but when I didn’t laugh, he sighed. “To tell you the truth–”

  “Stop the clock. The God of Bastards is telling the truth?”

  “Quiet, little thief,” Itazura said. “To tell you the truth, I knew you weren’t desperate enough to become the elder gods most wanted. I had to trick you to get you to make the pact. That was always my intention. I could apologize, but I don’t regret not telling you.”

  “Why me?” I asked, my eyelids growing heavy as I spoke. “Why not anyone else? A more advanced thief, a good speaker, or a skilled fighter. Why me?”

  “You are a talented thief,” Itazura said slowly.

  “You’re the one who says I keep damning up heists. So why me?”

  Itazura was silent for a long while, fiddling with one of the gold pocket watches in his jacket.

  “Why me?” I tried to sit up, but I fell immediately back onto the soft cushions.

  “Sleep, Janet.” Itazura sighed. “We can discuss these things later. Just sleep.”

  “It doesn’t matter if we discuss them now or later,” I said bitterly. “You’ll never give me a straight answer.”

  “Maybe, maybe not.”

  “See, that’s exactly what I’m talking about.”

  Itazura chuckled. “I’m the God of Mischief, little human. I live on catching people by surprise, and messing with their expectations. Much like you. Now sleep. And if you remember your questions in the morning, then you can ask them.”

  “I hate you.”

  “You’ve made that quite clear. Now shut up.”

  In spite of myself, I obeyed. But I blame my crippling exhaustion and drunkenness. I went to sleep that night to the muffled sound of drunken bar songs and the breath of the wind as it wafted through the open window and lulled me into darkness.

  aetatia was right about the splitting headache. As soon as I opened my eyes, I wanted to die. Anything to get rid of the excruciating pain engulfing my head.

  “Damn it all. Why did I decide that was a good idea?” I muttered.

  “I don’t know,” Itazura said. He stood next to the private bar, pouring a drink. “I personally thought you were insane. But I enjoyed watching your poorly planned game.”

  “Bite me,” I muttered, throwing a pillow over my face. “It worked, didn’t it?”

  “Oh, it did,” Itazura said. “I’m not going to deny that. Now you just have to convince one other God to spread the word. Once you do, we’ll have two gods on our side. The word will spread quickly and once the human realms understand their situation and start making a ruckus, I’ll break the pact and free your friends.”

  “You make it sound so easy,” I said, peering out from behind my pillow. “What happens if the elder gods or their allies find out about our pact?”

  “Things get a bit more complicated.”

  I groaned, chucking the pillow at him. He dodged. “Well, I hope you have a plan accounting for things getting more complicated because I don’t think I have the skill required to fight off a god, elder or minor, as amazing as I am.”

  “It might not be a God who comes for you.” Itazura shrugged. “It could just be a beast of the Abyss.”

  “Lovely.” I forced a smile. “Beast of the Abyss. That sounds so much better.”

  “Don’t worry, little thief. I’ll make sure you don’t get yourself killed,” Itazura said. “It is my power on the line, you know.”

  “Oh, I’m so sorry.”

  Itazura sighed. “I believe your hangover has made you less agreeable than normal. I’ll go find Laetatia. I don’t want to deal with a grumpy you. A normal you is bad enough.”

  “Thanks,” I mumbled as
he closed the door. Then I flopped back down on the couch, staring up at the ceiling.

  Honestly, Itazura didn’t make this whole situation sound too hard, beasts of the Abyss aside. I had already gotten Laetatia’s approval and if I convinced one more god, they would spread the word with no problem. And the pact would be finished. If I hurried, I could solve this whole mess before any nasty gods got wind of it.

  All at once, I couldn’t wait to leave the tavern and get this quest over with, but the moment I tried to get up my ears started ringing and black spots danced across my vision. I collapsed again, my tangled hair falling in front of my face.

  “Damn hangovers.”

  “Yes I imagine you aren’t having a wonderful time with that one,” Laetatia said from the doorway. She held a cup of steaming liquid in her hand.

  “Have you ever even had a hangover?” I asked, brushing my hair aside.

  “Once,” she admitted. “Four hundred and fifty years ago. An unhappy day for all of the gods. But the minor Goddess of Alcoholic Beverages, bless her one thousand times over, concocted this little brew for me.” She held up the glass of steaming liquid. “Since then I’ve perfected the brew into the ultimate cure for the hangover. I even got it to stop tasting like volp piss.”

  “Excellent. Hand it over,” I said, forcing myself to sit up. I took the steaming cup and downed the drink in a few swift gulps.

  I almost spat it back out.

  “Great Abyss, I thought you said you got it to stop tasting like volp piss.” I sputtered.

  “I did,” Laetatia said. “It used to taste worse.”

  “No kidding?” I wiped my mouth and shook my head. To my great joy, my skull didn’t throb with pain at the movement. The hangover had already begun receding.

  “My gods.” I blinked and stared at the still steaming, empty glass. “This stuff is amazing.”

  “Isn’t it?” Laetatia said. “You can see why we’re lost without our minor gods. That’s one of the worst parts of this apocalypse. So many of them have turned on us. Not that we showed them the gratitude they deserved.” She ran a hand through her hair. “You’re lucky you’ve gotten a taste of this little drink. I reserve it for the humans I actually like.”

  “Flattered,” I said. “I don’t suppose you’d give me the recipe.”

  “Not a chance,” Laetatia said, sitting down in the chair across from me.

  “Trust me I’ve asked her for it before,” Itazura said. “I’ve even tried to steal the recipe from the Goddess of Alcoholic Beverages.” He rubbed a hand behind his head. “It did not go well.”

  “Not at all,” Laetatia said, cheerfully. “So, you need to find another God to win over. Who did you have in mind?”

  “I’m letting him lead the way,” I said, jerking my head toward Itazura. “I don’t know any gods personally, so I don’t know who’s easiest.”

  “Oh, I know who’s the easiest,” Laetatia said, glancing at Itazura.

  “I do too,” Itazura said. “But I thought she’d take to you better.”

  “I’d imagine so. I’d imagine she’d take to Axira better than our little brother.”

  “Who are we talking about?” I asked.

  Itazura looked away uncomfortably which once again left Laetatia to give me the straight answer. “Meroquio.”

  I froze. “Meroquio? As in ‘God of Love’ Meroquio?”

  “Is there any other?” Itazura asked.

  “Unfortunately no,” Laetatia muttered. “Our brother has his good points, but I can’t stand to see him with any of his worshipers. It can be a rather revolting display.”

  “No,” I said, shaking my head. “Give me someone else. Anyone else. I can’t convince Meroquio.”

  “Why not?” Laetatia asked. “He’s much easier to convince than me. Meroquio is rather accessible if you have . . . certain features.”

  “Like a pulse,” Itazura said helpfully. “And lips.”

  “Wrong,” I said. “I would rather have a hundred drinking competitions with you than–there is no way I’m going to do this!”

  “You don’t really have a choice, if you want to finish this pact as quickly as possible,” Itazura said. “You can win over Meroquio within the night. The others will be much more difficult to convince. Not to mention more difficult to find.”

  “Meroquio on the other hand, isn’t too far away,” Laetatia said. “He’s attending a higher end middle-class party tonight at a mansion on the edge of the middle ring and the upper ring.”

  “Well, then that settles it,” I said. “I don’t have anything remotely formal. I can’t possibly go.”

  Itazura and Laetatia cast each other a mischievous glance. “Oh we can arrange something.”

  I’d never worn a dress before. For one thing, dresses weren’t practical wear during a heist, especially when climbing up scaffolding and pipes. For another thing, I couldn’t afford a fancy dress anyway. And lastly, I had been cursed with a bulky mechanical arm from a young age, and it didn’t exactly compliment formal wear.

  Did Itazura and Laetatia care about any of that? No. They forced me into a middle class dress anyway. One of Laetatia’s extras. I should have been flattered to wear the clothing of a Goddess but resentment far outweighed my gratitude.

  “It doesn’t look so bad,” Itazura said. “You and Laetatia are about the same size.”

  “In the waist and hips.” I picked at the strap of the dress. “But I think Laetatia is a bit more well-endowed. This dress is pretty loose across my chest.”

  “Oh, thank you.” Laetatia flicked her dark-brown hair over her shoulder. “I do try.”

  “It’s not too noticeable,” Itazura said, observing the area of my body I didn’t exactly want him to observe.

  “Take your eyes off my chest or you’re going to feel what it’s like to be smacked across the face with steel,” I hissed.

  “Thanks to you, I already know the feeling.”

  Laetatia eyed Itazura. “You know, you could have picked someone who liked you a little bit more for this pact.”

  “Anyone who genuinely liked me probably wouldn’t be a good fit for this job,” Itazura said.

  “True.” Laetatia guided me in front of an oval shaped mirror. “Well, what do you think?”

  I stared at myself for a long moment. Actually, it didn’t look half bad. At least not as bad as I feared. My auburn hair was combed nicely, no longer the usual tangled volp’s nest. The red fabric of the dress went well with my light-brown skin and the silver bangles around my right wrist brought out the grey of my eyes. But the shoulder of my mechanical arm stood out against my body. Unlike many people with false limbs, my circuitry wasn’t as neat and tidy and several jagged scars still marred my skin around the shoulder plate where the mechanic had attached the arm to my stub of a shoulder. Not the most attractive thing in the world. I never felt so self-conscious about it before. Usually it matched my clothing, adding a little grit to my appearance. Now, it seemed so foreign and out of place.

  “I guess there’s no way to find a dress to cover this.” I traced my finger along one of my scars, a frown on my face.

  “Better to just show it off,” Laetatia said. “A long sleeve dress would just draw more attention to your arm. The fabric would stretch too much over the metal. Sleeveless is the best way to go.”

  “Sure,” I murmured, rolling my shoulder. The metal creaked and I winced. Never had it sounded so loud.

  “Don’t worry. You’ll be in good company. The higher classes have made it a fashion statement to cut off their real limbs and slap on enhanced mechanical attachments.” Laetatia shivered. “Personally I don’t see the appeal.”

  “Neither do I,” I said. “Don’t get me wrong, this thing can be pretty useful in some situations. But if I could, I would get my flesh arm back.”

  “Exactly how did you lose your flesh arm?” Itazura asked.

  “That’s not really your business, is it?” I snapped, glaring at him. Itazura’s eyebrows shot up,
as if in surprise. Maybe that was harsh, even for me.

  “Sorry,” I muttered. “Just . . . it doesn’t really matter. Let’s just get this over with. The sooner I’m out of this pact with you, the better.”

  “I second that,” Laetatia said. She spun me around to face her. “Don’t worry about how you look in the dress. It’s just to get you into the party.”

  “And then I’ll be the center of attention once I’m there,” I protested. “This makes me stick out. Putting a dress over me can’t cover up the fact that I don’t belong with those people.”

  “It might work in your favor though.” Laetatia shrugged. “If you stick out, you’ll be interesting. And if you’re interesting, you’re more likely to catch Meroquio’s eye. Meroquio is attracted to interesting women like an aristocrat is attracted to eccentric clothing.”

  “Great,” I forced out through gritted teeth.

  Laetatia squeezed my flesh shoulder. “You’ll be fine, Janet.”

  “Maybe. But it’s not attracting him I’m worried about.” I glanced at my steel hand. “It’s afterward that makes me nervous.”

  “Well, I’m not sure how much I can help you there,” Laetatia said. “Just try not to take my little brother too seriously.”

  “Is he even younger than you?” I asked. “I thought you all came into being at the same time.”

  “Technically,” Itazura said. “But everyone considers Meroquio their younger brother. It’s a maturity issue.”

  “Wow, people must consider you a little brother too.”

  Laetatia chuckled. “Actually, yes, they do.”

  Itazura frowned. “Thanks, Sis.”

  “No problem,” Laetatia said. “Take this too.” She held out her hand. A gear sat in her palm. It was copper in color but it wasn’t a normal coin. Laetatia’s Mug was etched in the center of it. “Just in case you get into trouble. If you flip this coin you’ll end up back here.”

  “Really? Why is that?” I asked, taking the coin and turning it in my hand.

  “We all have them,” Itazura said, reaching into one of his pockets and pulling out a dark green gear of his own. This one bore a hand at the center, the sign of mischief. “They make travelling to the human realms easier. We all have a location assigned to our coins. Whenever we flip them we travel there instantly.”