Jack paid for the gas, swung us through a Starbucks, and headed towards the cabin. We were silent as I had my nose in Jack’s phone for several miles as the kids started texting him right away. Then the business texts and emails started. I used my phone to check both the family calendar and Jack’s professional calendar and between being in the car, reading small smartphone screens, and having not eaten much for breakfast, I felt a little sick to my stomach. I put both phones in the center console, opened one of the bottled waters I brought along, and took several sips to try to calm my stomach. I never got car sick when I drove, just when I was a passenger. Jack didn’t like to be driven around when he was just being normal so he always insisted on taking the wheel. I sank back in the seat and closed my eyes, willing the sick feeling to go away.
I managed to fall asleep and hadn’t realized I had done so until Jack shook me awake. We were parked under the large weeping willow that stood near the cabin.
“You did not sleep last night?” Jack asked. I was about to lie and say I had but even I couldn’t do that. I was not a person who took naps. Nor did I like to lie to Jack.
“No,” I answered. “Just worried about being away from the kids.”
“I am sure everything will be alright, Penny. You left detailed instructions and premade every meal. Besides, Crystal is their mother. It is not like a stranger asked to spend the weekend with them.” I bit my tongue so as not to respond a couple different ways. We exited the car and met back at the trunk. I reached for Jack’s bag first.
“No, Penelope,” he said, calling me by my full name which was actually Jack’s pet name for me, and grabbed the bag. He, in turn, was Ivan to me, his actual first name. “I packed more than ten pounds of clothes and stuff and I am sure you did too. You should not have picked up either bag to put in the trunk or the cooler. You have not been abiding by Dr. Nelson’s orders.” Anger flared within me. I hated Jack was saying any of this even if it was true. I hid my anger, however, as I did often with anything I was feeling. He said nothing when I picked up two of the smaller grocery bags and I walked ahead of him to open the cabin.
It was the first time since President’s Day weekend anyone had been in the cabin. Danny and Melanie, Jack’s younger brother and future sister-in-law, spent that weekend together and that was when Danny asked her to marry him. She had said yes and a wedding date was set for next summer. I was happy for them both. What I was not happy about was the stuffy air of the cabin and fine layer of dust over everything. I wanted to come up earlier than Jack to clean but he would not let me. Now, I panicked the place was not spit-spot clean. After dropping the two grocery bags in the kitchen, I found the dust spray and cloth for the furniture and the sweeper for the wood floors. Jack, however, took the items from me.
“No cleaning,” he insisted with his warm smile that stabbed me hard in the heart. “There is not as much dust as you think there is and I am declaring this weekend off limits for cleaning. Think of this as a vacation.”
“I don’t need a vacation,” I insisted.
“Humor me, Penny,” he said and put a hand on each of my shoulders. His touch was so gentle. “Things are going to get crazier soon as the first single drops and I am unable to be home. Consider this the calm before the storm.”
I frowned. I didn’t know what to say. On one hand, he was right but I didn’t like him feeling that I needed a vacation; it made me feel weak in regards to my job. I already felt weak in general but I could count on my job to help me forget about my emotional misery. I suddenly became a little scared at the prospect of having four days of nothing to do and realized I should have brought one of the many books stacked on my night table.
Jack plopped me down on the porch swing while he emptied the car of the rest of the groceries and our bags. When I tried to help with lunch, he sent me back outside. I didn’t argue as my thoughts were focused on how I was going to get through the weekend. I had expected to spend my time cooking and cleaning and assisting Jack in whatever he needed but now he had taken those jobs away from me. What was I going to do?
“Lunch is served,” Jack announced in a cheerful voice from the front screen door. I had picked up one of Jack’s favorite lunches from the deli – whitefish salad on fresh bagels – and I forced myself to interact with him as we ate. In reality, I more or less was a listener as Jack kept up a near constant commentary which meant I wasn’t the only one nervous about the weekend. At a certain point he switched over entirely to Russian which, of course, confused me.
“Izvinite,” he apologized in his native tongue and I noted his cheeks flush a bit.
“Eto khorosho,” I replied. It’s okay. I smiled at him; I couldn’t help it.
. . .
After Jack cleaned up lunch, he sent me to the end of the dock to wait for dessert. He brought my favorite chocolate chip cookies and as I enjoyed mine, he took my hand in his. The hand hold on the dock lasted at least a minute and confused me so much I ended up on the trail that circled Ellie’s Lake. I told Jack I was going for a walk which was true. I walked the short section of the trail visible from the cabin and ran the rest. I ran for a long time even though the uneven trail hammered my body. I needed to run out of confusion. Friends held hands but this felt so different. What did it mean? Sometimes running helped me work through complicated matters, of which this was definitely one, but this situation seemed to have no solution where I wouldn’t get hurt. I hated myself for allowing my feelings of friendship to grow into something more.
I tried to convince myself what happened was just a reaction to Shane Damon, my ex-fiancé, dumping me but in all honesty, that truly was a godsend. For the first time since my freshman year at Princeton, Shane wasn’t around to beat me. I had to see that for all it was worth and it was priceless.
I slowed my pace as I approached the open part of the trail. My body ached and the heaviness increased as I realized I wasted so much of my life on Shane and then my heaviness grew from the other realization that dawned on me in recent months. In being Jack’s personal assistant and the nanny to his children, I had devoted my entire life even since before we graduated from Princeton to my job. I loved my job, worked it nearly 24/7, and the only time I wasn’t doing my job, Shane was using and beating me and satisfying his sadistic and perverted desires with me. My job isolated me; I had no life outside of it. Shane was gone now and a terrible fear hit me – what would happen to me when Jack no longer needed me? And then he held my hand. What did it mean?
I took off running like a bat out of hell ignoring the sharp pains in my hip and back. Halfway around the lake, my legs gave out on me and down I went, scraping my hands and knees. I sat up. Emotion overcame me and I couldn’t stop the tears. It was happening so often anymore and getting harder to hide. I didn’t want Jack to know my mood was so low; he had enough to worry about with the new album. I needed to be with the kids to take my mind off myself but I was stuck for the long weekend.
For the better part of an hour I sat on my ass on the trail. It was chilly in the shadows. I felt the chill but didn’t feel it. My personal life was a mess and I didn’t know how to fix it. All I did know was that I had fallen in love with my married best friend and boss.
My cell phone jingled at me; it was a text from Jack. Where are you?
Just finishing my walk.
You have been gone for a long time. Is something wrong?
“Yes,” I answered with my voice before texting him back. Just took a long walk and tripped on the trail.
It took me longer than expected to walk back. The fall jammed everything and Jack was waiting for me on the screened porch. I must have looked a sight. I was dirty and limping and the scrapes and scratches that crusted over opened back up and blood trickled down my bare legs. The chill had made itself through my depression and despi
te walking into the sunlight, I was cold.
“Holy hell!” Jack exclaimed and rushed down the porch steps.
“I’m fine,” I said and tried to wave him off.
“Fine my ass,” he countered and before I knew it, he picked me up.
“I can walk, Ivan,” I insisted.
“Apparently, you cannot, Penelope,” he replied and I was just about to say something but realized I had told him I had tripped while walking.
“Touché,” I said.
He carried me into the kitchen and set me down on the counter.
“The First Aid kit is…,” I tried to say but he held his hand up.
“I know where it is.” Jack slipped into the first-floor bathroom and returned with the kit. As he laid out what he needed, he kept looking over at me. It made me feel a little uncomfortable and when he spoke again, I knew I had been busted. “You did not trip while walking, did you? You were running, no?” He asked, his Russian way of asking questions popping up.
“Yes,” I admitted as he began to clean my scraped knees.
“When did you start back up?”
“March, after I had healed from…” I couldn’t say after I healed from Shane beating the shit out of me. Jack was quiet for a few moments as he dabbed antiseptic ointment on my knobby knees and then covered them with Band-Aids. I could tell his Big Brain was grinding away. He wanted to say something to me but stopped several times.
When he finished with my knees, he worked on my hands. His own hands were gentle. They were soft except for his fingertips on his left hand from his guitar playing. He used a soft washcloth to wash the superficial scrapes on my hands and then dabbed on the ointment. Jack took a roll of snowy white gauze and wrapped it around my hands a couple times.
“There. All fixed up,” he said and held my hands in his. “Khorosho kak novyye.”
“Thank you,” I replied but could not look him in the eyes. My running was a problem and I was certain Jack wanted to talk about it. Instead of talking, he asked me a question.
“Will you please stop running for me?”
I didn’t know what to say.
“I am afraid that running before Dr. Nelson has given you the okay will leave some permanent damage,” he explained, his voice even. He had not let go of my hands. “But I am more afraid your running will lead you into a relapse of your anorexia. I do not want that to happen and not just because I am going to be gone more from the family.” Jack tipped my head up. I had no choice but to look at him. “Will you please stop running?” I looked into his dark brown eyes. My heaviness increased but I answered him.
“Yes,” I said quietly.
“Promise?”
“Promise.”
Jack leaned forward as if to kiss me on the forehead. It was an action he had done innumerable times with the children and on occasion with me at the goading of the kids. Where’s Penny’s kiss, Papa?
This time, however, there were no children around. I found myself leaning towards him and when his lips touched my forehead, I closed my eyes and let the warm feeling of his lips flow through me.
. . .
We ate grilled chicken and vegetables for dinner and Jack popped in the first DVD of some TV series afterwards. I stared at the TV but didn’t follow the show Jack found fascinating. My own brain, not even close in Bigness to Jack’s, was going crazy. Finally, it shut down and I was tired. I excused myself to my bedroom and fell into an uncomfortable sleep.
I woke up to a short email from Sasha, Jack’s oldest son, who promised to be my spy for the long weekend. Everything was going okay, although bedtime the night before had been rough. I still expected Crystal to call Jack any moment begging us to come back home.
I sat in my window seat and watched the sun come up and then a group of deer move out of the woods and sniff around the early wild flowers that dotted the side yard. I felt dumpy and needed caffeine. After showering, putting fresh Band-Aids on my knees, and pulling on a pair of shorts and a long-sleeved t-shirt – a Princeton one, of course – I started the coffee pot. When it was ready, I poured my first cup, added liberal amounts of sugar and milk and went to the front porch to sit and think.
My time on the porch was calm but I felt heavy. I could still feel the kiss from Jack on my forehead. It had lasted longer than any of the other kisses and we were both visibly uncomfortable from it. I had slipped off the counter to change out of my sweaty and dirty running clothes and Jack disappeared also.
If we would have had two cars at the cabin, I would have left but we only had Jack’s Mustang and I couldn’t strand him. The front door squeaked open and Jack joined me on the porch swing later that morning. I frowned. He said nothing, just sipped at his own mug of coffee. He was dressed in a pair of pajama bottoms and a t-shirt and his face still showed signs of sleepiness. I wondered how late he stayed up.
“More coffee?” I said as he drained his cup.
“I can get it,” he said.
“No, it’s my job,” I replied. It was more of a reminder to myself. He was the employer; I was the employee. It didn’t matter what I was feeling or what I knew or the fact something was going on between us. I went into the kitchen but couldn’t force my legs to carry the coffee pot outside. I was so conflicted all of a sudden. Instead of filling his coffee cup, I slipped out the back door of the cabin and went into the woods to think.
There was an overgrown trail behind the cabin that led to a small clearing and a tiny pond. I found it during one of the first times the family visited the cabin. It was during a break in the band’s first tour (as openers) in 1998. It was October and the leaves were turning and the family was still asleep. I was antsy waiting for Jack to wake up so I followed the old trail and found the serene setting. I kept it to myself, or so I had thought.
On that day in June, I sat down on a fallen tree and looked at the tiny pond. The water was very clear and every once in a while, I would see a fish swim by, oblivious to my internal turmoil. The birds chirped and a light breeze scattered a few fallen leaves. It was a good thinking spot but I was tired of thinking; that’s all I had been doing for the last few hours. My head pounded and I rubbed my eyes and forehead. Although I had slept, it hadn’t been a refreshing sleep. My heart ached along with my soul. This weekend away, barely even twenty-four hours old, was not turning into the relaxing getaway Jack hoped for me.
But how could he know? I was too afraid to tell him what was going on inside of me. My words were certain to drive him away and I wasn’t willing to risk my friendship, or job, with Jack. I hated myself for allowing this to happen and I actually wished at that moment I was still in the abusive relationship with Shane. When I was with him, and being hit and humiliated, my soul didn’t feel. It was rather dead. If the Terrible Voice wasn’t reminding me, Shane was. You are nothing. You don’t deserve love. But then he broke off the relationship with one final beating. I was out of his clutches after twelve and a half years. Jack took care of me and my soul warmed up. I saw how close we had grown and I felt something I had never felt before.
“This spot is beautiful.” Although I had every right to, I didn’t jump. Jack’s voice, even when unexpected, was always calming to me. “How long have you known this is here?”
“Since the first time we stayed here,” I replied. Jack sat down next to me and the sun glinted off his plain gold wedding band. I frowned. It was his original ring whereas Crystal had upgraded twice to a gaudy thing that twice scratched Little Sofie. Jack had changed into shorts and a sweatshirt. He still looked handsome to me although I suspected if Crystal saw him, she would call him a bum. There were little gray hairs showing up in his scruff and they made him look even sexier to me and this did not help at all. I found Jack physically at
tractive but it was his soul I realized I was in love with more.
“You are troubled,” he said. “Is it the strashnyi golos?”
“No, It has been quiet,” I replied honestly.
“I have seen a change in you, Penelope, and it worries me. It is not just the running. Your depression is high, no?”
“It is high,” I confirmed.
“What can I do to help you? I do not like to see you this way.”
“Nothing,” I said, feeling uncomfortable.
“Something is bothering you, Penny. You listen to my troubles. It is time for me to listen to yours.”
I laughed sadly at this.
“Pozhaluysta,” he said. “What do you have to lose?”
“What do I have to lose?” I repeated, anger overcoming me. “I have you to lose.”
“Me?” Jack questioned. “What are you talking about?”
“Ivan, your marriage is over and it bothers me you can’t see it. You are so smart but this one thing… Jack, you’re so stupid! Can’t you see this?” I shocked myself. I hadn’t expected for those words to come out. From the look on Jack’s face, he was shocked too.
“What do you mean, Penny?”
“I know you want to believe you and Crystal are husband and wife and you are but only in the legal sense. She does not love you. If she did, she would not be living separate from you in Atlantic City. She would not be hav…” I stopped myself before those words got me in terrible trouble. I took a deep breath and focused. I had to be very careful. “You try and try to keep your marriage going but she’s not putting in any effort. And as far as being a mother, I know you see how…”
Aftermath (The Deceptions Trilogy Book 2) Page 2