“Enough,” Jack said. His voice was calm despite my incendiary words. I couldn’t stop myself, however, and continued.
“I’m only telling you this because you’re my closest friend and you’ve shared with me how your marriage confuses and angers you. You don’t see why it does those things to you but I see them. I see the hurt on your face when Crystal rejects you and the kids. I see how confused you are when you come back from an overnight stay with her.” I stopped, but I wasn’t done. “You are trying to keep something going that is dead. For the first time I know, you didn’t share a bed with Crystal when you were in the same house. Was that your idea or hers? You deserve someone who actually cares about you. Crystal doesn’t care…”
“Stop,” said Jack with a little force to his voice, but I couldn’t stop. I was on a roll. This was my chance to try to get him to see what was going on.
“I want to see you happy in your heart and soul and you don’t have that with Crystal. You have to trust me when I say you deserve someone better. You’re my best friend, Jack. I care about you.” I stopped looking at him. “I care too much for you. Since the accident and then Shane putting me in the hospital, I’ve… I’ve felt just something more than friendship.” There, I’d said it. Sort of. Oh, my God. I said it…
“What do you mean?” he asked, drawing each word out.
I felt very, very sick to my stomach and shaky. It was such a clichéd reaction but I remember hearing once that clichés were born from the truth.
Jack stood. I looked up at him. His gaze was unreadable, always a bad sign. After a few moments of silence, he turned and disappeared down the trail, the overgrown brush covering him after a few feet.
I leaned over and vomited my coffee.
. . .
I waited an hour before heading back to the cabin. I half expected to find Jack had left the property but his car was still beneath the willow tree. I needed to be busy and began cleaning, starting with the coffee pot. I mopped the kitchen area, dusted the wood floors and then all the surfaces, cleaned the first-floor bathroom from top to bottom and tub to sink. My body, so sore from my running and falling the previous day, hated me for all the movement but it was either clean or run and I promised Jack I wouldn’t run. I had never broken a promise to Jack and I wasn’t going to start now. I had done enough damage for one day.
The pain in my stomach morphed from being upset over what I had said to being hungry. It was the middle of the afternoon by the time I finished cleaning the first floor of the cabin and I was now feeling shaky from lack of food. It worried me that I didn’t really want to eat so to keep that from turning into a relapse, I forced myself to the kitchen. Jack had not come down at all during my cleaning spree and knowing him and his stomach, there was a good chance he was starving.
I looked in the fridge and pantry at the supplies I brought. The day was warm and a refreshing breeze came through the open front and back doors and windows. My head pounded and I couldn’t think so I downed four ibuprofen and gave it a few minutes before trying to decide on what to make. I wanted something comforting; I needed to emotionally eat and my favorite comfort food was Italian. I had brought the makings for a pan of my infamous cheesy but meatless lasagna, including a jar of my homemade sauce, and garlic bread. Maybe not a traditional summer meal but I had packed for Jack and he never turned down my lasagna. Perhaps, I hoped I could apologize for my words through food.
Within a half an hour of getting the lasagna in the oven, the heavenly smell permeated the cabin. As I started slicing up the loaf of French bread for the garlic bread, Jack appeared in the kitchen. My nerves revved up and I focused on the knife to keep from slicing a finger. Jack grabbed the container of lettuce from the refrigerator and plated small salads. When all the food was done, we ate a very quiet late lunch/early dinner. Even though it was a Friday, I did not light the Shabbat candles as it was just too early. Afterwards, Jack helped clean up and then disappeared back upstairs. During the entire meal and cleanup, neither of us said a single word.
“Shit,” I said and threw my towel down.
I ended the day much like I started it – sitting in a window seat and watching the sun’s travels. For the sunset, I sat in the window seat in the living room. The heat of the day was disappearing from the cabin as the sun sank behind the trees. The amber glow created such a magical reflection off of the lake. I hated myself at that minute. The cabin grew dark as the sun completely disappeared. I was emotionally exhausted and although I didn’t think sleep would come, I decided there was nothing else to do. When I turned on the light that illuminated the spiral staircase, I jumped. Jack was sitting on the stairs. For whatever reason, I turned the light off.
“I did not mean to scare you,” I heard him say. I also heard the wood floor creak. Jack was walking towards me. When he was right in front of me, I felt him put his hands on my shoulders. Again, he was gentle. “I know what you mean.”
“What?” I asked. I was glad we were in the darkness; it made it easier to talk to him. His hands went from my shoulders to my face.
“I understand,” he replied. Then, Jack kissed me. On the lips. It was a lasting kiss but as soon as Jack broke it, I took a step backwards and hit the light switch.
“You’re married,” I said. He took a step towards me but I stood my ground and looked up at him. His damn brown eyes were so comforting.
“As you said, only in the legal sense,” Jack replied and kissed me again. My hands went to his chest intending to push him away as it was the right thing to do as my words – You’re married – echoed in my ears. I couldn’t push, however, and pulled Jack close to me. This was so, so wrong but it felt so right to me and Jack wasn’t doing any pushing away either. His arms wrapped around me as we kissed and I let his warmth flow through me again. It was intense and aggressive. We broke apart, both breathing heavily.
“What you have felt happening over the last couple of years has not been one-sided,” he said and ran his hand through his dark brown hair. His words resonated hard within my heart but what was happening, what I was afraid might happen very soon, terrified me.
“Jack, I just don’t…” He wouldn’t let me finish what I wasn’t sure what I was going to say. Instead, he kissed me again. Shane had never kissed me like this. Actually, he was a bad kisser. Jack, however, was a good kisser and I found myself melting against him. His arm went around my waist and guided me towards the staircase. I stopped him, though. This was becoming very serious.
“Please, think,” I requested.
“I have been doing just that since this morning,” he responded. “I know what I am doing.” Jack brought me in closer. The kiss was very deep and warm and I could feel Jack was in the moment. I was uncomfortable with that and not because he was married. It was because we were friends, close friends, and had been so for so long. I worried what was about to happen might harm our friendship that meant so much to me. But then the image of Shane hitting me flashed before my eyes. I wanted to feel safe with a man; I wanted to feel loved. Jack would never harm me physically and he had been the only male I trusted. I needed to take this very scary chance.
Jack led me upstairs to his bedroom and our intense kissing recommenced. Our hands were clumsy and entangled as we struggled to remove each other’s clothing. I had seen Jack naked before, having to clean him up after an unfortunate night of drinking with the guys in the band. Jack, however, had never seen me naked but at that moment, as our lust took over, I didn’t care.
Jack’s fingers struggled with my sports bra and I pulled it off myself – I was pretty sure Crystal had never worn a sports bra in her life – and we were soon naked on the bed. My heart was racing and I was shaking and I could feel Jack wasn’t calm either. He was leaning over me, kissing me on the lips and neck and then my breasts. My ha
nds felt the muscles of his upper arms and back and I let my hands drift down. He then moved down to my bellybutton but I didn’t want him to ask about my scar below that and I tugged him back upwards. He focused on my neck and ear and little rivers of excitement raced up and down my body. My mind was racing but I just wanted the feeling of the moment and I shut it down. I couldn’t think; I needed to feel.
His knees nudged mine apart and I opened up for him. The intensity of the act skyrocketed and we were soon one. His thrusts were eager and I arched my back with need and hooked my legs around his. Jack’s rhythm was steady for only a few minutes before it became erratic and needful and I opened myself up even more for ease. The sex was heavy and forceful but not like Shane’s force. The build to release was unstoppable and I needed the release so damn bad. I held on hard to Jack’s back as his thrusts grew stronger. I was on the fast track to orgasm and mine hit hard. I grabbed at the pillows as I came and cried out and with a few last thrusts and a deep grunt, I felt Jack release. He collapsed on top of me and we were both breathing hard. A moment later, he pulled out and rolled onto his back.
I couldn’t believe what we had just done.
I felt so cold all of a sudden and a great shiver ran through me not related to the release I just experienced. A realization also hit; one that was very embarrassing – Jack had just given me my first orgasm. Sex with Shane was for his benefit and not mine and it left me feeling so shameful. What I just did with Jack was nothing, absolutely nothing, like what Shane did to me. Memories of those experiences, many terrible and humiliating and painful, hit me. The warmth from Jack left me so fast and I shivered even more. I rolled over onto my side and curled up with my back to Jack and then I was crying. What we just did reminded me how stupid I was to stay with Shane and how isolated my life had become.
“Penny, what is wrong? Did I hurt you?” Jack said and I felt him touch my shoulder. “You are ice cold.” He pulled the white down comforter over me, then wrapped his arms around me and held me as I cried. It was only the second time I had cried in front of him.
“You didn’t hurt me,” I hiccupped and my crying intensified. Fear then hit me as a terrible memory came rushing back. Once, a few years into my relationship with Shane, I thought denying him sex would cause him to treat me better. It was a very flawed thought and Shane ended up raping me; it wasn’t the first time and it wouldn’t be the last. It had been awful and very painful and he left me bleeding. I started crying from the pain which angered Shane to no end. The beating he gave me was so bad my nose was broken. When he was done, he sodomized me to the point I ended up on a soft diet for over a week. It was the first time I couldn’t cover my injuries in the ER and the first time ER personnel threatened to call the police. I lied to them and said I wasn’t going to see the person who did this to me again. As soon as I left the ER, Shane demanded I go to his house. I thought he was going to apologize. Instead, he forced me to go down on him as he recorded my humiliation.
“I’m sorry I’m crying,” I said quickly as phantom memory pain hit me. I balled myself up even tighter and could see Shane in my mind standing over me, his arm raised. “Please don’t hit me,” I begged.
“Penny, no, no, no,” I heard Jack say with gentle words and he rolled me over. “It is me. I would never, ever hit you.” I realized my stupidity and started crying harder.
For the better part of an hour, Jack held me as I cried. I wept because of the realization of how messed up my abusive relationship with Shane left me. Tears fell because for the first time ever, I was being embraced in love and warmth by a man who did not hurt me for expressing the emotion that overcame me. And I wept because of what Jack and I had just done and how it made me feel so complete. It felt right, like something that was just expected to eventually happen and it did and now… Now what?
I fell asleep in Jack’s arms and when I woke up just past two in the morning, I was still in his arms. Carefully, and reluctantly, I removed myself from his arms and tiptoed into the bathroom. Nature had called and for the first time in maybe ever of me being sexually active, I was not bleeding. It made me feel so normal.
When I came out of the bathroom Jack was pulling on his boxers. I became self-conscious about being naked and picked up the nearest item of clothing. It was Jack’s t-shirt but I didn’t care; I just wanted to be covered. He walked over to me and gave me a hug. There were no expectations from it; it was just a hug of reassurance which I really needed at that moment.
“I am a little hungry,” he said with a smile and smoothed my mussed hair. Half of my dark brown hair had escaped my braid. I pulled the ponytail holder out and Jack ran his hands through my long hair.
“I brought ice cream,” I replied. He kissed me on my forehead and then on my lips. It really did feel just so right.
Jack sat me on the couch and laid a fire on the hearth. The night was chilly. We had left the windows open and a chill crept into the cabin. Once the fire was going, he shut the windows and scooped chocolate ice cream for himself and tin roof sundae for me. He invited me to snuggle against him and I did. When we were finished with our ice cream, we fell asleep on the couch.
In the morning, I was alone. I panicked as I remembered what had happened. Why was Jack not on the couch with me? Was he scared away by what we did? I rushed over to the window and saw his car was still there. He had not left. I then laughed to myself as I heard the squeak from the shower handle upstairs. He’d been in the shower.
“Silly,” I told myself. After my own shower, I found Jack in the kitchen with his laptop and coffee. I was a little fearful. Things were now going to be very different.
“Good morning,” he said with a smile when I sat down at the table with my own coffee.
“Good morning,” I repeated the salutation and took a long drink of the liquid. Jack was checking his email and I checked my own on my cell phone to see if Sasha sent an update. He had; things were still okay although for dinner Crystal let Leo and Annie eat M&Ms and drink a bunch of Coca-Cola. She’ll never make that mistake again, Sasha wrote and I couldn’t help but laugh.
“What?” Jack asked and I showed him my phone. He laughed too but not from Sasha’s words. “He told me the same thing.” He pushed his laptop over to me and I saw Sasha had been emailing his father updates also.
“I guess we both had concerns about Crystal,” I said as Jack shut his computer. Crystal. Worry and shame hit me hard. “Ivan, what happens now?” A worried look crossed Jack’s face.
“I do not know,” he replied. “Is that okay?”
“Yes, and understandable.” It sounded like I was letting Jack off the hook, if he was even on one, but I did understand.
“I would like, however, to enjoy the day. Maybe we will find out together. Is that okay?” Jack asked and reached out for my hand. He squeezed it and I smiled.
“Yes.”
“I packed a lunch,” he then said. “And I thought we could go hiking and have a picnic. It has been awhile since I went exploring. Would you like to go with me? Do you think your hip and back could handle a hike?” I was sore from my fall and a little from our intimate activities but I wanted to spend time with him.
“I’d like that a lot.”
A half an hour later, we changed into jeans and hiking boots and set off. Jack had our lunch in his backpack and I had put a blanket in mine. We hiked to my hidden spot and Jack spent about fifteen minutes taking pictures and then took one of me. It made me blush which he then captured in a second shot. Jack then insisted on trying to take a picture of us both. He used a regular camera with film when he documented the flora and fauna around the cabin and after several guesses and a short discussion on geometry that made me feel stupid, he decided he had been successful at taking our picture. I enjoyed the many attempts and when he put his forehead to
mine, I closed my eyes and enjoyed the quiet and gentle moment.
“I noticed yesterday there is another hidden trail,” he said, helping me stand, and I followed him around the small pond.
“Yes, I’ve seen it also but I’ve been too afraid to see where it went in case I got lost.” Jack was an expert in the woods around the cabin. To be honest, I was surprised he hadn’t found my secret spot but Jack was a thorough explorer of the woods and he wouldn’t move on to the next section until he knew everything about the one he was currently studying. His schedule, before the accident, didn’t allow for more than one or two extended trips a year so I guess it wasn’t so surprising.
“Then let us explore together,” he said and took my hand. Every fifteen minutes or so, we slowed a little as my hip began to hurt. Jack wanted to turn around but I didn’t want to ruin his hike so we pressed ahead. The hidden trail was elevated and grown over and a couple times we faced a difficult obstacle like a fallen tree. Jack helped me through these spots but the hike was starting to take its toll. Even with the tree cover, we hit enough sunspots to build up a sweat. Jack brought plenty of water and it tasted good.
After about two hours, we came to a small clearing of long, waving grass and a rock outcropping. From the spot and through a small break in the trees below, we could see Ellie’s Lake, named after Jack’s eldest daughter who had died because of the tragic car accident. It was gorgeous. There were a few fluffy clouds crossing the clear blue sky without a care in the world.
“Prosto krasivo,” Jack said as he snapped pictures with his camera. My hip bothered me a lot and I limped over to one of the rocks to sit down. Jack immersed himself in his photography and I watched him as he went from wide views to close-ups to even a few abstracts of odd shadows. He spent an hour with his camera and I was happy to have escaped being his model. He sat next to me on the rock and slipped his hand into mine. Leaning over, he gave me a long kiss that made me forget about my throbbing hip. It was such a nice moment but only added to my wonder about what was going to happen next.
Aftermath (The Deceptions Trilogy Book 2) Page 3