Losing Virginity

by Ava Michaels

  "Apparently all twenty five of us need to sit through this lecture," Alex said, pointing his thumb down and making a farting noise.

  "Yeah, no offense Olivia, but accounting is about as boring as watching me paint guys," Veronica said.

  Alex cocked his head. "That actually sounds interesting."

  Veronica thought for a moment. "Yeah. I think my metaphors have run out," she finally said.

  "Me too," he said. They shrugged and continued onto the conference room.

  The small little conference room was packed and Alex, Veronica and I had to stand in the back. This was probably about the new non-profit filing policies required. I wasn't too bad at my job.

  When I looked up at the door… Bartok walked in… Talking to none other than… Big Stick… I nearly had an aneurysm.

  What was he doing here? Why the hell was he talking with Bartok? I started panicking inside.

  When Bartok and Ryder reached the head of the table, that bitch just looked straight up at me and the corner of her mouth twitched up in how I assume the devil would smile when he knows he's got you caught.

  "What's wrong, Spurgeon?" she said. "It looks like you've seen a ghost."

  Yeah, you look like a damn ghost you piece of shit! Several of my coworkers looked at me and noticed that the blood had drained from my face.

  "You alright, honey," Veronica said, holding my arm. "You're all white. Are you sick?"

  I couldn't speak. I just stared straight at Ryder.

  Ryder looked up and saw me. His face didn't change an inch.

  He knew. He goddamned knew.

  My shock was replaced by fury.

  How could he have known and not told me! Was this why he never talked about his job? Shiiit! I wanted to scream right there and didn’t care what any of these fools thought of me.

  "Shut up everyone," Bartok shouted with her usual social abrasiveness. "Ryder Dawson is here from corporate who now runs this entire office. He’s going to teach us about the new filing forms for non-profits and everyone needs to pay attention."

  It must have been a pretty easy puzzle to put together because Alex sucked in a breath and Veronica said "Oh shit" as they realized why I had gone white as a sheet. They could tell I knew Ryder... They could tell I knew him intimately… And they could tell my heart was breaking… I couldn’t hold it in any longer.

  “Noooo!” I screamed.

  No. Not Ryder. I didn’t want him to be this kind of guy.

  Everyone turned their heads and stared at me including Big Stick. This had to be the most awkward and devastating moment of my life. Big Stick cleared his throat, looked at me, and then started explaining the new filing forms as if he didn’t hear me.

  “No, no, no!” I shouted.

  This was the temper tantrum of a lifetime.

  My head whirled with more thoughts. I couldn't keep them all together. I didn't know if he was the man I knew or someone else altogether.

  I needed to get some air.

  I marched out of the room with Bartok starring sadistically at me. The sickest part of this was that she loved it. I was down for the count. Maybe even ready to quit. Never mind that. I was going to be fired. Big fucking whoop at this point. And that bitch seemed to be the mastermind behind it. It made me sick to my stomach as I headed down the hall.

  Veronica and Alex followed me, knowing the score and knowing Bartok wasn't going to do anything. She had already won… Why didn’t I have the guts to just slap a bitch?

  I went to my office and picked up my bag, trying to hold back tears. I was an ugly crier and no one likes one of those. It's uncomfortable for all parties involved.

  I wasn't sure what this meant, but neither answer could be good. Either the guy I had just fallen in love with was lying to me to take advantage of my naive stupid self, or now one of us needed to quit their jobs and I was pretty sure which one of us that was going to fall on… I was going to be fired for my temper tantrum what the hell was I talking about? I made the choice simple.

  I was just a stupid college student looking for a good screw. I’d fall for anything. Show me a good time and take me on a couple sappy, romantic dates and I’ll hand virginity over in a heartbeat. I was stupid and easy like all the other college whores… Just a horny squirrel… No brains, just bounce…

  Alex and Veronica came running after me, but I rushed out of the building before they could catch me. I didn't need any comforting, not now. I needed to get home so I could cry in private…

  Of course Jess was at home, naked as a jaybird with her faithful man…JESUS FUCKING PENUS! That wasn’t an option.

  Alex shouted after me that they were going to find me later for cocktails no matter what and that I should keep my chin up.

  I tromped off into the woods pretending not to hear them, tears running down my face.

  I should have known there was something wrong when he never spoke about his job.

  He was… My Boss’ Boss…My ACTUAL boss. How did we never even talk about our jobs? College? Oh yeah… We did… In the elevator… Before I knew he was, “Big Stick.” I sighed. Why did I miss that? He could have been the boss of anyone for all I knew.

  I felt so naive.

  This is what happens when you get your hopes up.

  I turned in to the nearest liquor store and picked myself up a pint of pretty peach Schnapps. Then stomped my way into a glade in the woods and sat down on a log. Confident I was totally alone I took the bottle out of the brown paper bag and took a long swig. The burn felt good.

  Then I sobbed. I didn't know what else to do. I must have sat there for hours.

  ………

  When Alex and Veronica came tromping into the woods after work I had long sobbed out all I needed to and was holding an empty pint and deep into the "fuck the world" stage.

  When they entered my little clearing, I leveled my glare at them.

  "Uh oh," Alex said, his wide eyes leveling at me. "You, lady, are a hot mess."

  Veronica was carrying a nearly full bottle of Southern Comfort and they sat down next to me. At this rate I was going to become an alcoholic. They looked at each other, unsure if they should crack the seal on this new one or take me home. I made the decision easy for them, grabbing the bottle and twisting the top with all my drunken might. After a couple of passes around the group everyone was as depressed as I was.

  Alex laid his head on my shoulder and Veronica put an arm around me.

  "It's okay, honey," she said.

  "So?" I said. “Tell me th’truth. I’m no longer a virgin… I can take it…” I slurred sloppily.

  They both looked at each other and laughed a little.

  "Veronica thinks there's a chance he might be playing you. But, she also thinks that maybe he jus’ doesn't want to see you get hurt," Alex said and Veronica nodded. "I think he didn't tell you because he jus’ wanted it to work. The guy did seem a bit shell shocked at the end of the conference and you should have seen his face when you walked out. Right, Alex?"

  “Thass right, V. You should have seen hiss face when you walked out. Right V?”

  “Hell yes.” Veronica agreed.

  That made me feel better… Both times they said it… Maybe it was the alcohol…

  "It doesn't change that he lied to me," I said. “It doesn’t. It doesn’t change that he lied. Once a liar, always a liar. You lay down with that dog and then YOU get fleas.” I was spouting scripture… What the hell was I becoming…? A dick loving alcoholic, that’s what.

  "He lied to you by omission," Alex said. "But you're right. Is'sstill pretty much a lie."

  “And now… Now I’m gonna get fleas...” I started laughing but at the same time a brand new bunch of tears came running down my cheeks as if there was something chasing them out of my eyes.

  "Baby, you need to take some time away from that and get your head straight," Veronica said. "I mean, you were just looking to lose your V-card, right? Count this one as a win and find yourself a new man who will tell you the
truth. There are plenty of good fucks out there Ol."

  That made sense… I was just looking for that… And had been a good first time, even though it turned sour in the end… There was only one Big Stick though…

  I think Woody Allen said that sex is better than talk and talk is what you suffer through so you can get to sex… I wanted talking though. Losing my virginity was over.

  I don’t know but I was glad my friends were there to get hammered with.

  “I’m glad you guys are here.” I leaned over and hugged them both awkwardly while pulling the bottle of SoCo from Veronica. “You guys… You guys are the shit. I mean it. Alex, you are so wonderful. If you weren’t gay, I would do you. I would. And V. If I was gay, I’d totally stalk you. Totally.”

  “That’s what friends are for,” Alex piped up. And sadly, that chapter of the evening ended with the three of us slurring the lyrics to the horrible 80’s song of the same title.

  ………

  I called up Jess and told her where to meet us, while Veronica and Alex told me shockingly honest hook up stories. Every hole was covered, literally.

  I didn’t slow down on the alcohol. Feelings weren’t something I needed.

  Jess came with some beer and called her man Mario, who was now apparently her boyfriend, to come with some hotdogs and fuel for a fire. Apparently she had him on a bit of a short leash. Good for her. Once they arrived the stories of terrible boyfriends and girlfriends and everything in between were shared. When a round of tales about bondage and domination circled the group, Jess showed knowledge just a little beyond an amateur.

  "I actually had my first bondage experience before I lost my virginity," Jess said. "I was with a guy in high school who liked to be tied up and forced to eat gummy worms and told he was a 'baby bird'." We all laughed even we knew she was stretching the truth and passed the SoCo around.

  Farther into the night we started talking about marriage customs.

  "Do you know that in Finland, when a girl is ready to marry, she carries an empty sheath around her belt," I said, a tad bit drunkenly. "When a man wants to show her he wants her, he makes a knife and shuts it in her peath.” I burped. “I mean puts it in her sheath?”

  I said the last part a bit suggestively, even though everyone was quite aware of the metaphor.

  "That's great and you’re drunk," Veronica said and everyone nodded their head.

  “I know you are but what am I?” I said defiantly.

  Then Alex began to grin mischievously.

  "You know, in the South they still have 'debutante balls', where young ladies ready to marry were debuted to society in a big party. All of the men would dance with them and it is sort of like a 'throwing her to the wolves' sort of situation," Jess said, looking around at everyone but me, in a silent acknowledgement of the humiliation they were all gearing up to inflict on me.

  ”Nope! Nope! None of that! That shits for virgins! Go find yourself a virgin and do it for her. Thank you very much!” I rattled back, a bit too loud and everyone laughed.

  "Oh my gosh, yes. One week from now, debutante ball, the Bema amphitheater in the college park," she gushed. "Mario's friend works for a tent and party company in town."

  Mario grinned.

  "It can be done," was all he said and I knew I was sunk.

  "No," I tried to stop the snowball that was building. "Hell fucking no."

  "You need this, Ol," Veronica said. "When a horse bucks you, you just need to get right back on."

  Alex mouthed the word 'nice' at her and they all continued to talk right over me.

  “Okay, it will really be just an open air kegger with a dress code,” Jess insisted, “but you will be the maid of honor! The hostess with the mostess! The star attraction!”

  “Great. I’ll be like the bearded lady of Dartmouth. Step right up, gadies and lents. See the freakiest freak in the freak show…You fuckers.”

  “Exactly!” squealed Jess.

  That was it. They were planning a kegger to help fix my broken heart. Sorry, a kegger with a dress code. Hopefully I would get some sexy guy who would screw the living daylights out of me. No more Big Stick.

  -----------Chapter 17-----------

  Thursday it was, I guess. It had been a long week. Fuck it, it had been an interminable week. Ignoring Big Stick’s daily calls, texts, and voice messages was one of the hardest things I’d ever done, but somehow I managed to, miserable as I was.

  I listened to all the voicemails I received:

  “Hey, Ol… I’m not sure what to say, but, um… You sure didn’t give me much of a chance to say it. Call me?”

  “Ol, it’s Ryder again… Is there any way I could steer my vessel onto campus tonight and hail ye…? Shit … Sorry. That was lame. I’d love to hear from you.”

  And, finally one came, which I shared with Jess and Veronica. That was when I forced myself to stop listening to them out of sheer fatigue and confusion and longing:

  “Hi, Bright Eyes. I mighta fucked up. Maybe you could just let me know that you’re not dead or something?”

  There was a really long pause in this one. And it killed me.

  “I dunno. I’ve got some really great times to remember, I guess. I’ve never done this sort of a thing with a girl, Ol… I don’t mean this to be like some sort of confessional, but I feel like I should tell you… Shit, I sound like such a shit. Okay, here it goes – I feel like I should tell you that I’ve been with quite a few girls, I guess, if you really think about it, but… I’ve never tried to find someone this hard. I’ve never felt this empty after something was over… I mean, I really hope we’re not over… Just call me please, Ol… I think we might be worth each other’s time.”

  I was biting my lip by the end of that one and trying desperately to stifle the hot teardrop threatening to fall from my eyelid and roll down my cheek.

  ………

  In the middle of Chote’s “common room” late Friday afternoon, I was a mess. Plans for parties, drug deals, shouted cell phone conversations, and hook-ups planned for much later that night was what filled the air around me as I tried my damnedest to think about something other than Big Stick… Even though I was clutching my phone like a madwoman and swallowing snot and tears.

  The day before “the ball” and Cinderella is crying her eyes out and her make-up off in the town square. This event was really the last thing in the world I wanted to do. And after my drunken rampage that took me two days to recover from, I certainly wasn’t interested in going to a kegger with a fancy dress code.

  “He’s a liar. Mm-mm,” Veronica exclaimed, giving me a disgusted look and wagging a lethally accusatory finger in my face. I gave her as much smile as I could manage at the moment and pushed her hand away as I pocketed my phone. Veronica was being theatrical, but she was being supportive, and at the time, I welcomed it.

  Alex was behind me rubbing my shoulders incessantly and making empathetic moans, and I could feel the energetic nods he was giving Veronica with every point she made about how I was “better than that asshole,” and “too good for him” and all the other clichés used to make a chick feel better after being dumped. They never really work, but they are nice efforts non-the-less.

  Veronica and Jess had been trying relentlessly to lift me out of my post-Big Stick stupor all week, but I knew that there were ulterior motives.

  Tomorrow night was the big Debutante Ball/Kegger.

  Ironic or not, the advertising by Alpha Delta had really caught on. Glumly trying to make it to Professor Tunde’s class Tuesday and Thursday evenings, I would inevitably be crossed by a wild pack of sluts giggling ecstatically about how Friday night was just going to be so hot, and how all their friends should “totally screw Phi Mu Delta”, cause this sounded like so much more fun.

  I had to hand it to Veronica and Jess. They definitely had outdone themselves. Whether it was mostly the work of the social network or just their connections on campus, somehow word of the debutante ball had spread far and wide.


  “Guys, I’ll be okay, I swear,” I mumbled unconvincingly to the friends who flanked me. “And yes, I promise I’ll be at the ball.”

  I felt Alex’s hand noticeably loosen its grip on my shoulder.

  “Ooh, baby!” he squealed. “You’re going to be the hottest item in that house tomorrow! You won’t be able to think about ‘ding dong’ you’ll have so many swinging dicks in your face.”

  Veronica was already strutting back out of Chote’s, eyes on every piece of man flesh she encountered, hand on her hip and satisfied that I would be at her party to end all parties.

  “Just be there, bitch,” she called over her shoulder. “You know where to find me if you need help with your dress or some shit. Forget that foo.’ Your beautiful ass has better things to worry about.”

  I knew what she was trying to do. She was giving me no quarter, no sympathy. She was trying to keep me going, to get me to that glorified whore auction. It was bound to be a disaster, but Veronica was adamant about my attendance; she would accept nothing less than my complete and total immersion in a sea of “jams” and dicks. The salves she always offered my wounds were never what I needed, but it meant a lot, and I did need something to take my mind off Big Stick.

  I put a smile on and let Alex bring me up to my apartment. Luckily, Jess had taken a night off from Mario and was already hard at work on her beauty sleep in preparation for the ball. Alex kissed me on the cheek and told me to just “sleep on it” and I took his advice, but to be honest, it was still a very long night thinking about Big Stick… The things his body did to me...

  ………

  The next afternoon passed by in a flash, with Veronica and Alex electrically buzzing around my apartment bedroom, dressing me, fretting about their own outfits, and soon, there we were. We were going to the ball. I felt like a lousy version of a Disney princess. A little more whorey too.

  I couldn’t believe I was doing it, but there I was in a pretty cute one-shoulder black and red dress that you would expect to see at a spring formal or prom with a silver floral asymmetrical strap and a tiered chiffon skirt and ruffled hemline. I grabbed my chest and smiled at the way my puppies… Yes, my puppies… Stood to attention. I added my highest red heels, red lipstick, and an “I’m too sexy for this ball” attitude. Damn I looked good. I’d be reciting that over and over in my head in hopes guys would think so too. Maybe I could find a rebound.