by Ava Michaels
I looked at the beautiful trees, oak and hemlock, that made up the college forest. Someone spent years perfecting the layout and landscaping here. I was glad for things like this, the simple things.
In the distance I could see little candles lighting the way through the forest, drawing a path through the darkness to the gala that was surely underway already in the heart of the forest. This was so cheesy… What hell was I doing?
Alex took my right arm, holding it as if he was walking me down the aisle.
“Wow, Alex. If I didn’t know better, I’d think you were the real belle of the ball.”
He had a rakish little tuxedo on, with a thin slice of a tie. His toned down suit was not what I had imagined Alex as wearing, but I guess when we dress up, we become different people. His shoes were so shined that I could see myself in them. Alex looked exceptionally classy tonight as most gay guys do. He looked down at me and with real gratitude in his voice and a little surprise at my sincerity and said “Thank you, Olivia.”
Veronica took my other arm. It looks like I was going to have two people giving me away tonight. Veronica wore a backless, black slip dress with heels that made her amazing calves stand out like Achilles’. She was an impressive sight tonight, dolled up in muted blue eyeliner and rouge. I wished I had the confidence to dress like her.
I just wished Jess was giving me away too, but she was busy with the festivities, so in a sense she was giving me away. She was also giving herself away to Mario. All night, it might seem.
We all looked at each other and nodded. We looked splendid, I thought. Exactly as I imagined we would.
“Here we go, lady,” Alex said, smiling in a proud way. I was lucky to have friends like them.
I felt weird, being paraded down the steps which preceded the college forest. There were plenty of other couples walking down the steps, but I felt like the candles along the path were lighting the way just for me, my vagina.
The elegance of this whole affair was perfected by a kiosk at the gate offering buckets full of free condoms. Colleges were finally realizing kids were going to have sex so you might as well protect them.
There were several couples that, while being well dressed, stumbled a little drunkenly down the steps and through the forest. This forest thing was inevitably going to be a problem, but not for me. I had two people practically carrying me to the main attraction. Oh, wait, that would be me soon enough. I kept hearing circus music in my head.
It was a respectable night and it seemed like most people were adhering to that idea. Although the world may not be as ordered, regulated, and fairy tale-like as we wanted sometimes, it was nice that once in a while people wanted it to be.
I breathed a sigh of relief as we entered the forest. What Mario’s friends did for this place was simply beautiful. The old logging path through the forest was lit by miniature candles every several feet. Within the woods were hanging globe lanterns that gave the party a natural feeling, like it was an impromptu gathering in the forest for the community, which it technically was. A party of this planning within a week was definitely impromptu in my book.
There were several Alpha Delta Phi pledges standing along the path with plastic champagne glasses of Andre champagne.
“This may be the best plastic flute filled with the worst champagne but, I am loving every minute of this,” Veronica said, grabbing a glass from a tow-headed young pledge and kissing him on the cheek.
“I am loving these little pledges,” Alex said, giving a quick little pinch to the same pledge, who didn’t seem to mind it. “The Alpha Delta boys know when to fall in line when it really counts.”
We continued along the path and it seemed like either there were many more guys with mustaches than I remember, or several men decided to boldly don a costume or fake it.
It looked like everyone really fell into character for this ridiculous event. It just goes to show you, give people a story to tell and they will run away with it.
This entire entrance here felt very surreal. It felt like I was spitefully throwing myself to the wolves to get back at Big Stick for possibly lying to me. I didn’t know what I was doing, but what I wanted to do was say that I was still me and he still had to earn a woman as good as I was.
When we exited the forest trail we came into the clearing. There were three large tents up, one looked like it was for wine, champagne, and a couple of kegs. Another one was for finger food and the last was separated for the men’s pipe room and the ladies powder room. It might have seemed sexist, but I actually appreciated it for one night at least.
The entire area was strung with ropes that were wreathed with ivy and the little white globe lamps. It was three tents surrounding the outside of a Grecian style amphitheater, crisscrossed with the same kind of little emanating globe lamps. It looked like a deliciously gaudy version of a 19th century garden party, but I guess that was what it was supposed to be.
There had to be about three hundred people here. Obviously, not all of them were students but so far, everyone was pleasantly buzzed. The couples were all dancing in ballroom style with a little bump and grind around the amphitheater, albeit very drunkenly, trying their best to keep up the mirage of an older, more sophisticated culture that we occasionally pined for. It was amazing for the effort that was put into everything. Laughter and loud conversations were going on simultaneously with lovely chamber music that had a strong sexy techno beat added to it. There were still some frat boys pulling their normal stunts, practicing feats of strength by lifting their dates with one hand or chugging beers as their buddies chant their names. But even that was made a little more elegant by the atmosphere.
I could tell that this was a big hit. As I entered the crowd that ran from the tree-line above the amphitheater and was literally spread three hundred and fifty nine degrees from there.
Alpha Delta pledges circled the banquet with platters filled with finger foods, triangle sandwiches with tuna and turkey, and more Andre champagne.
We can be classy, even with four dollar bottles of champagne.
I saw Jess chatting with Veronica and they seemed to be discussing events for the night. I’m glad those two became quick friends. They were very much alike, crazy and willing to spread their legs for just a minute of pleasure.
I walked up to them and Veronica said a word. They both turned and appraised me critically, like old Jewish grandmothers at the butcher shop.
"So, Miss Thang," Veronica started with an appraising eye. "Are you ready to mingle tonight, make a good impression of our most darling lady? Spread your butterfly wings? You know… In your special place?"
"What do you mean?" I asked. What else was there to this evening?
Jess took over pinning a name tag into the front of my dress.
Oh no. Was I supposed to parade around like some bimbo at a beauty pageant? Jesus Penus…
"So in a few minutes you are going to meet with the other debutante ladies, there are fifteen in all, and when the band strikes up you will parade into the ball area, do a little circuit through, and mingle," Jess said matter-of-factly.
"So I'm supposed to go out there and sell myself for some guy to take me on a terrible date?” I asked.
Veronica laughed.
I rolled my eyes. “Please don’t make me do this. I’m really having a great time as a wall flower. Just let me enjoy the evening from the sidelines? Don’t make me talk to anyone… ”
"Don't worry, honey," Veronica said. "We are likely going to be doing that for you. You just come along for the ride. If I know anything about Alex, he is probably already out there with pictures of you in a bikini… Telling them how great you are in bed…"
I gulped. This might be a long night.
"Fine… Let's do this," I said.
Jess escorted me back behind the far tents and to the throng of white-dressed fellow debutantes. They were all very pretty and it seemed like there was going to be some competition tonight. Fortunately, I thought the crowd might be a bit m
ore rambunctious than usual, so there wasn't many 'debs' without several suitors clamoring for their hand.
Jess dropped me off with a hug.
"So throughout the night, you are going to talk to some guys and if they are interested in you they will go to the silent auction table," she said smiling.
"Silent auction?" I said. "So this is going to be a price competition?"
"No, honey," she said. "We realized that pretty much everyone here is a college student. You have to pay hundred dollars to bid, but the auction part requires them to write down their idea of a date they would take you on. At the end of the night, the guy with the best date idea as determined by the whistles and hoots from the crowd, wins the girls hand for a date."
That sounded better. It was a way of making sure that the richer, uncreative dates were weeded out… But still… Why couldn’t they have threw a just kegger and got me drunk.
"Why Jess, you're almost making it sound like a high class slave auction," I said sarcastically.
"Don't let Veronica hear you say that," she joked.
So there I was, standing with fourteen other girls who were ready to offer it up in the name of charity… And be paraded in front of the entire campus and sold to the most creative bidder… For a date, but likely our vaginas. A VAGINA AUCTION. Now that has potential to raise some serious cash.
I admitted that this was a better plan than I had thought but wished I wasn’t up there. The other girls in line were giggly, talking, and loving all the attention. I wanted to go back to the apartment.
When the band struck up a waltz, the girls started their struts through the forest and into the clearing. Some struts were definitely not from virgins…. The girl with the nametag of Tiffany was definitely walking like a professional from the streets of the Las Vegas strip.
The crowd had all stopped to watch the debutante's entrance and finally broke out of their roles and whooped and whistled-albeit quite respectfully.
When I entered the spotlight, I heard a whoop and cry from Alex somewhere in the crowd. That man couldn't golf clap if his life depended on it.
When we had all entered the crowd and were mingling around, the band struck up a different song for the general festivities. Despite their pledges to guide me through this surreal ordeal, Alex and Veronica soon disappeared from my side. Before I could even protest their absence, they were lost in the throng.
I drifted towards the “backstage area” and all too soon heard the pock-marked AV freshman they’d managed to pull away from his World of Warcraft session doing what sounded like his best game show host impression, announcing to all the “ladies and gens here tonight” what the order of events would be.
………
The squeal of a guitar being sound-tested drew my eyes to the elaborately decorated stage. Shit. I couldn’t believe this. None other than Carlos and His Bulge were going to be gracing this event with their musical stylings, apparently.
I can’t lie – he looked good. As soon as I saw him, he seemed to see me. His eyes lit up in a way that I really wished they hadn’t, and he unstrapped his bass and hopped off the stage.
“Hey, Ol!”
I tried to play it cool, looking in the other direction like I was searching for someone, drinking urgently from my cup of Andre.
“Ol!”
Now his hand was on my shoulder, so I closed my eyes and turned around. I was afraid of him after he tripped and poked me in the face. Losing an eye wasn’t an option. He kissed me on the cheek and I opened my eyes.
“Hey… Hey there,” I said awkwardly. The spot on my cheek left by his kiss was not what I expected. In fact, it was cold and clammy and I no longer saw him like I did before. I couldn’t help my feelings and I hated myself for having them but I wished he were Big Stick…
“How’s it going? I was wondering how your night was at uh, Animal House the other night.”
“Oh, it was fine, it was fine,” I said quietly, trying to appear interested. I didn’t want to be mean to him. It wasn’t his fault Big Stick wasn’t what I thought he was and that it was all I could think about...
“Yeah, sorry I never caught up with you… Breaking down all the equipment, loading up the van and stuff, you know, it takes a while,” he said, smiling at me way-too charmingly.
“It’s no problem,” I said, trying not to meet his eyes. I was just way too upset at the moment to get into another Carlos situation, especially another awkward one. How he could act like nothing happened surprised me.
“You look beautiful tonight,” he whispered, his lips once again way too close to my face.
Luckily, Veronica materialized to grab me by the arm.
“Come on girl I gotta show you something,” she said matter-of-factly, barely even acknowledging Carlos’s presence.
I let myself be yanked away and I only gave Carlos the most cursory and polite farewell I could manage from over my shoulder. “I’ll catch up with you later.”
Carlos smiled weakly, and how handsome he looked paired with how quickly he had came after me that night gave me a twinge of guilt. However, I was also happy to get away from him.
As Veronica led me over toward the field’s entrance I snagged another cup off one of the pledges who were faithfully keeping the party lubricated... Veronica yanked a flask of rum from her purse and stuck it in my face. She was all business tonight.
“Drink, bitch,” she said over her shoulder with a glare.
I did, and happily, starting to feel the sort of buzz that threatens to turn into drunkenness. Some of my champagne sloshed from my cup and onto a passing gentleman who seemed much too well-dressed even for this charade of a ball.
“Whoa there…”
Shit. It was Tunde… This ball just seemed like some kind of nightmare parade of guys I’d recently been fantasizing about with one notable exception.
“Oh my god, I’m so sorry, Professor Tunde!” I stammered.
He grinned and took a glance at his blazer.
“It’s fine, Olivia. How are you though? You look a little bit frazzled,” he said in that silky timbre he seemed to have perfected.
“I’m good… I’m okay. I mean, yeah, I’m okay,” I said.
What an idiot I must have looked like. Veronica, well on her way to getting trashed, jumped in.
“I don’t know who you are, baby, but you can frazzle me any time you like. Mmm hmm.”
Tunde smiled in a puzzled way.
“All right, girls… I just hope you have a great time tonight. I just came by to see what all the fuss was about. And don't worry,” he said smiling at us. “I'm one of the cool professors that certainly doesn't care when students drink. I lived in Europe…”
He looked right at me.
“This whole ritual seems rather… Primitive, doesn’t it, Olivia?”
I turned every shade of red you can imagine and started pulling on Veronica’s arm. Gross. Imagining your good looking professor hitting on you is one thing, but having him show up to a college party and hit on you is another thing.
“It’s nice to see you, Professor Tunde!” I said, grinning and trying to disappear back into the crowd.
Veronica couldn’t believe that Tunde was my Cultural Anthropology professor, and she kept grilling me about him as we made our way towards the entrance and asking me why I hadn’t “hit that shit” long ago.
“I would never sleep with my professor. That is tacky. Anyway, what did you want me to see, V?” I asked. “I think the auction’s about to start…”
“I want you,” she began, pacing her words as we approached the gate, “to have as much of a good time tonight..."
We got closer. I could see the condom kiosk, some pledges, and some of the bouncers on loan from Alpha Delta.
“- as this motherfucker’s having.”
Nice, Veronica. Nice, Alex. Very classy.
Alex was against the wire fence that lined the field making a meal out of one of Mario’s Alpha Delta friends’ neck. The jock, who was, at l
east ostensibly, supposed to be a “bouncer” or “doorman” at least had clearly drank enough of the cheap champagne floating around to kill a horse. He was barely even able to hold himself up, and though I had little respect for meatheads like that, let alone homophobes, I felt a little bad. Alex was completely mauling him like some kind of queeny vampire.
“Um, if that’s your idea of fun, then I think I might just head back to the apartment, V,” I said to Veronica with a disgusted expression.
“Oh come on,” she said. “Alex, are you having a good time?”
He turned around and gave us a big grin.
“Yeah, girl! Me and… Sorry, what was your name again, hon?” he whispered in the slumping jock’s ear.
He just mumbled something incoherent and grabbed onto Alex’s ass hard. The poor guy probably thought it was a sorority girl crawling all over him.
I rolled my eyes and turned around.
“Come on, Veronica. You dragged me to this thing, I’m going to go through with the date or whatever, but you know as well as I do I have no interest in ‘hooking up’ tonight. And I definitely have no interest in watching Alex take advantage of some Animal Houser.”
Veronica wasn’t even listening to me. Her attention had suddenly been directed towards another one of the Alpha Deltas who was giving her the eye in an embarrassingly obvious fashion.
Carlos and His Bulge had already started playing one of their signature numbers, but they had apparently decided to slow it down to more of a “dance-punk-waltz” pace for this particular event, and everyone but the meatheads patrolling the premises seemed to be digging it. The music was so familiar to me and it gave me a few more butterflies than I needed as I nodded along and tried to extricate myself from the scene playing out between Veronica and Alex and their respective meatheads.
………
It was almost time for the final votes to be tallied and for all of the “belles” to be awarded, like prize-winning hogs, to our “dates.”