by Ava Michaels
Goodie.
I made like hell for the stage, pushing through kids left and right, and on the way, I heard Veronica cat-calling me from amidst a gaggle of bro-dudes.
“Yeah, girl. Go show all those motherfuckers what they missin’!” she shouted.
I had no idea where Alex was at the moment, and, although I had wanted him to be there when I finally sold off any remaining shreds of my dignity, I also didn’t want anything to do with his frat boy-baiting exploits. I kept my head high, plastered a plastic smile on my face, pushed out my chest and took my place in line by the stage.
From the stage I could see the whole party arranged rather gallantly if seen from a distance. When you focused on any particular person, you could tell the dishevelment that a few hours of drinking had put on their attire: ties were undone, lipstick on the collars of shirts, and apparently dresses with ripped straps already. Did I miss a fight?
The amazingly awkward announcer began his spiel to the crowd.
“And here we are boils and ghouls on a night much like the first night I lost my virginity,” he started, as groups of people erupted into laughter. “It was Halloween and there I was, dressed as Ash, the heroic Pokémon collector and my uncle was dressed as Pikachu...”
He was drowned out by people shouting about “cosplay incest” while he tried to maintain that nothing had been done with his uncle and the story wasn’t finished. Thankfully Jess approached the stage and took the microphone from him, smiling.
“Thank you, Pete, for MCing this event with your wonderful, but terrifying stories,” she said and everyone gave a round of applause. “Here we are at the beginning of our auction, ladies and gentlemen.”
There was another round of applause and hooting.
“Everyone should be aware of the rules by now, but if you were tardy to the event tonight, we will be finishing our silent auction for the hand of each of these lovely ladies for one date,” she said and applauded with the microphone in one hand. “We are not saying you will get to use your bat with these girls’ gloves… Each bidder wrote down their idea of the perfect date for each of these fine ladies. The crowd will then judge each submission on its merits and clink your tiny forks that we are passing out now against your champagne glasses. The winners will be decided by the general consensus of this ball and attend the creative gent on his splendid outing.”
Shit was getting serious!
The fourteen girls on my right maintained a composure that I couldn’t quite accomplish. I really hope that I did not end up with a pizza and beers at the Phi Delta house or worse, an evening at the Snake Pit.
Jess began reading off the submissions for the first girl: A dinner and a movie, a stay in date with the gentleman claiming to be an impressive cook, and a drug run to the Niagara Falls where she could get ‘wicked high’ with him.
Fortunately, the second submission won.
I breathed a sigh of relief. This crowd wasn’t as malicious as I worried it was.
If I ended up winning a date like the last one, then I was going to lay low for a couple weeks, or donate the money myself.
There were several more bizarre dates out there that got my nerves up: Domino’s pizza and brewskis on the roof of the athletic center, watching the movie ‘Cannibal Holocaust’ and drinking Mad Dog 20/20, and the ultimate date which I really hoped to be a joke was to be some guy’s partner in a ‘fake’ snuff film and afterwards he would maybe buy her ice cream depending on how the ‘shoot’ went the whole time. Jess wondered over the microphone why both the words ‘fake’ and ‘shoot’ were in quotes.
Please God, if you exist, don’t let that man win mine.
When my turn came I felt all the eyes rest upon me. It was a heavy feeling, standing in front of that crowd. It was as if you instantly became aware of every aspect and twitch of your body and checked them and rechecked them at the same time. Were my eyes opened too wide? I slightly closed them, opened them again, shifted my posture and crossed and uncrossed my arms.
Then I looked over to Alex and Veronica. He had his arm around her shoulders and they were both pumping their fists and shouting for me. God, they were making bigger asses of themselves than I was making up here. That made me feel better and I relaxed and beamed over to Jess. Then I finally looked onto the crowd.
“For god’s sake, no snuff,” I said to them deadpanning and got a laugh.
Jess stuck her hand in my donation box and pulled out the first one.
“Tony Vicinelli...” she began. I couldn’t see him, but I knew he was a freshman from Long Island who drove a Porsche. I don’t think I remembered liking him, though.
“... wants to take you to his grandmother’s restaurant in Long Island, and then out to the beach where you two can be all alone.”
Some terrible lot of Phi Delta boys started whooping and tossing champagne on each other with Tony I assume being in the middle. The Phi Delta guys could only act mature for so long. I assume my instantly white face and widened eyes conveyed to the crowd that I was in no way interested in what was going on with that date. A few people clinked their glasses, but it was from laughter.
“You’re a wise and just crowd. Beautiful too,” I said earning another laugh. I was quite a comedian. Maybe I was made for the stage.
Jess took another dig into my donation box.
“Carlos Medrano...” she said.
I looked over to Carlos in the crowd and saw him grinning and looking directly at me. He winked and I couldn’t help but blush.
“... wants to take you record shopping in the afternoon, then out to dinner at Vegan Delight, and afterwards play you songs in the park.”
The crowd ‘aww’ed and a chorus of cheers went up. Veronica and Alex whooped. My heart lifted up. That was real nice of him. I wasn’t sure if that was what I wanted just yet, but I sure as hell wouldn’t mind it; especially over Tony’s proposal.
Jess smiled and said that Carlos was in the lead. The Phi Delta boys weren’t even listening at this point and were picking bottles of champagne from the catering tables. She then stuck her hand back into my box and pulled out a slip.
“Oh yeah!” she said, then read, “Veronica and Alex are going to take you out on a date, beauty,” Jess shouted. “They want to take you to...” she read further on the card, “a cardboard box with a bottle of whiskey down by the river? Classy guys.”
Alex and Veronica whooped, holding each other and laughing. Surprisingly they received a bunch of glass clinks for the tacky date choice. Well that’s an interesting development, and I couldn’t stop the smile that spread across my face.
Nonetheless, Carlos remained the leader as Jess delved her hand into my box once more and retrieved the last slip of paper. Her face looked puzzled as she read it and she looked around the crowd.
“Ryder?” she asked.
I lost my breath for a second. What did she just say? Did she just say Ryder? Big Stick? I acted calm and cool with a ridiculous smile plastered on my face as my eyes searched for any indication I had heard her right. She repeated the name and I had heard it loud and clear this time: Ryder. I didn’t feel anything at first. Then I felt like I was saved and back to when everything was great between us. Then I got a little pissed, but remembered the words that he left on my voicemail and his goofy attempt at nautical humor. I looked over the crowd and saw him.
I saw Big Stick standing, wearing a three-button black suit with a slender tie. That mess of hair slicked back.
Jess read what was left on the card after a long pause. “... Uhh, Ryder… Awesome... err, Dawson… In parentheses it says Big Stick…” Everyone chuckled. “He wants to take you on his boat and sail to Prince Edward Island next week."
Right then and there all I really wanted was to grab a bottle of champagne, grab Big Stick in my arms, and hold him. I just wanted to be with him, in this moment with no words, just us. Then he smiled at me and mouthed the words “I’m sorry”.
I couldn’t believe he was here. And what boat did he ha
ve that could make it that far up Canada’s coast?
The crowd seemed to sense what I felt and gave a loud shout in approval, some overeager ones breaking their champagne flutes. Jess obviously had set this up. She smiled at me, totally proud of planning this elaborate scheme to get this guy for me. I walked up to her and hugged her tightly.
“You got him here, didn’t you?”
“Of course I did. Remember, I set up your account on OKCupid. I knew how to get a hold of him. And believe me, he was waiting to hear from you.”
“Jess, I don’t know how to thank you.” I felt tears coming to my eyes. I tried to choke them back but when I saw them in Jess’ eyes, too, the dam burst. It was official; everyone knew I was an ugly crier.
“Oh, I know how you can be stubborn... Plus, I’ll have the apartment bedroom to myself for a night or two while you guys go on your date.” She winked and waved to Mario.
“Not like me being in the room ever stopped you before,” I joked, hugging her again.
“And it looks like Ryder Dawson of the Creek is going to take the hand of this lucky lady tonight!” she shouted while throwing the rest of the cards in the air. “Thank you for attending the Debutante’s ball...”
I didn’t listen anymore. Before she finished the first sentence I was already off the stage and walking towards Big Stick... He set his champagne to the side and started walking towards me.
When we met I stopped before him and stood up on my tippy toes. We kissed a long deep, reconnecting kiss. When we broke the kiss, he looked up at me.
“I was going to quit yesterday, but Bartok stopped me. She found out about us after she saw us at Maria Rosa,” he said. “She told me you were eighteen, instead of twenty two... I was freaked out about at first but I don't care that you're a decade younger than I am. I want you...”
“Why didn't you tell me earlier? Like before you were standing in front of everyone in the meeting?” I asked.
I should have been furious. I had been ignoring him for days but he was being persistent. Other guys that didn’t care would have only tried a few times. Not Big Stick…
“I didn't want this to come between us, I thought that I could just avoid working in that office and things would be okay for us until I got called that morning and said I had a meeting. And there isn’t any rule about workplace romances and I pointed that out to Bartok. I wasn’t expecting you to react the way you did. I couldn’t get a hold of you that morning to tell you because you were already at work… I’m sorry Ol,” he said.
“Don't worry, things are all right with us,” I said and kissed him on the mouth. “And I don't mind that you’re an old man.”
“I’m an old man? Just a decade older than you,” he said laughing.
“Yeah, so when you were twenty, I was ten. You’re a little on the pervy side aren’t you?”
“Me? You’re the one who likes old dudes.”
I grinned and then kissed him.
………
We left the ball holding hands. The conversation had stopped completely as we made our way to Big Stick’s car. My heart was racing and I don’t think I would have been able to form a coherent sentence if I had to. I wanted to laugh and cry and say all those corny things women say in sappy movies like “You had me from hello” or “If the girls back home could see me now” or some other crazy shit. Instead, I said nothing. Neither did Big Stick... But his hand squeezed mine affectionately and that was all the communication I needed.
Once we got to his car we climbed in and just sat there next to each other. I looked at him and smiled, a little awkward and embarrassed until he reached around my waist and pulled me to him. His lips met mine with such force the world outside became a blur. It was strong and passionate and said everything there were no words for.
Time seemed to stop. We found ourselves half dressed in the back seat like two high school kids after the prom. We could have sped back to his apartment. Hell, we could have stopped at the nearest hotel. But we didn’t want to wait because the moment was perfect.
The party continued outside and I could hear laughter and music.
“That’s our song.” I whispered to him as I climbed on top of his lap.
“What is?” he asked quietly, running his hands up and down my back.
“The party.” My heart was pounding as I pressed my chest against his. Through his dress shirt I could feel his heart pounding too and it gave me courage. I pulled back just to look into his eyes as my body joined his. Together we rocked to the distant sound of people having fun, our eyes never unlocking until that explosion that made mine roll back in ecstasy.
We held on to each other, kissing and slowly descending from the height we reached together as our heartbeats slowed down.
“I love you, Olivia.”
“I love you, too.”
………
The celebration was really in full swing as he started the car. As I sorted myself out I really hoped Jess and the rest of them were having a great time.
“So where do we go from here?” I asked, throwing my arms around his neck.
“Well, I thought we might take a ride on my new boat to Prince Edward Island next week?” he said.
“You mean on one of those tiny little dingies?” I said.
“No, I actually bought a boat and I actually intend to take you on a cruise up the coast,” he said with a smile.
I didn’t let him speak any longer, but kissed him again.
He grinned. “It’s big enough to sleep two. It’s got a kitchen and a living room too.”
“Big enough to sleep two was enough for me,” I said.
………
6 days later I was lying in a bikini on the deck of Big Stick’s new thirty foot schooner. I thought of all the tumult that had occurred over the past few months. I suppose when things get the craziest, it seems that is when they are right about to settle.
I stared up at the blue sky. Occasionally the sun would be blocked out by the three sails overhead, but the light would come back when the wind changed. Big Stick came out to lie beside me and brought a gin martini with an olive speared in it. He kissed me deeply on the lips.
The wind had certainly changed for me…
Big Stick…
BIG Stick…
BIG STICK!!!
EPILOGUE
I awoke to Ryder sitting up in with his back against the wall. He was obviously naked which I found out after looking at his bare chest and his manhood standing straight up under the white sheet. I pulled sheet up and looked underneath. I smiled at the morning wood he was sporting.
It was my penis.
The penis I had sex with.
“What are you smiling at?” he asked.
“You. Me. Naked together.”
He rubbed my forehead before lugging himself underneath the sheets and pulling me into his arms. I wrapped my arm around his stomach and rested my head on his chest.
“You must have had an awesome dream Ol. Do you know that you talk in your sleep?” he asked, kissing my forehead.
“Jess always said that… What was I saying?” I asked, afraid of what he might say.
“Well you said, A LOT. First off, I didn’t know there were so many names for the female and male anatomy. You also talked about being a virgin, your lady boner, getting poked in the eye with a penis, and you said Big Stick more than I ever thought possible.”
I buried my head under the sheet, laughing. Then I laughed even harder when his laughter made his erection bounce around.
“What were you dreaming about?”
“Heaven…”
“Not with that kind of language.”
“Fine… Us…”
“Ah, Big Stick,” he said, pointing at himself.
“Damn right… Big Stick…”
He laughed. “Anyway, I’m gone for a week to Australia but when I get back I have a surprise for you,” he said, kissing my forehead.
“What surprise?”
He rolled
out of bed butt naked and strutted to the bathroom. Then he peeked his head around the corner and smiled.
“You’ll see. I love you.”
“Love you too Big Stick.”
………
I know what you all are thinking. Too good to be true. No woman ever hits the Triple Crown with a dude having good looks, good sense of humor, good in bed, confidence, and lots of money in the bank all at the same time, right? Well, let me just say that it is true. Totally true. I was in heaven and the envy of all my friends right up until two months before I graduated. Then I found out exactly what I had gotten myself into.
First off, as far as I know there were no threads of insanity woven through the fabric of the Spurgeon family. There was no weird Uncle Lumis locked up in a nuthouse in Terre Haute, Indiana for thinking he was St, Gerome. There was no Aunt Vera who lived alone in a shack in Stoneybrook, Montana that had no electricity so the government couldn’t read her thoughts. In fact, I don’t think anyone even took so much as a sleeping pill in the whole group. Not to sound like a braggart or anything. I just came from a fairly straight-laced brood. That is… Until me.
After Big Stick and I solidified our relationship with a simple vacation on his boat up the coast things progressed nicely. The first year of serious dating included meeting each other’s parents. The second year I was allowed to move a few things into his apartment. You know, a couple of changes of clothes, some hair products, make-up, and a few girl necessities. I was by no means living with him. I still enjoyed my apartment and Jess and I didn’t want to be so easily accessible. Not to mention I could just hear my mother “Why buy the cow, Olivia, if the milk is free.” I was his gal, no doubt about it. But then, things sort of leveled off and, well, I was starting to see the writing on the wall.
The end of my college career was quickly approaching and much to my chagrin We Can Do It! did not offer me any kind of full time position. They didn’t even offer me a part-time position.
“Cutbacks and lack of funding, Olivia.” Betty told me matter-of-factly. “By this time next year we are going to be surviving on a shoestring budget with a skeleton crew. But I’ll be happy to give you a positive reference.”