Scattering Like Light

by S. C. Ransom

  “Did you kiss him?” she asked.

  “No, I stopped myself just in time. I still feel awful about it though.”

  “Why? I mean, you are on holiday.”

  “What! How can you say that?”

  “Oh, come on, relax; enjoy yourself for a change.”

  I couldn’t believe what she was saying. “Right, so is that what you’re doing now, eyeing up all the French boys?”

  “Of course not, Jack’s too important to me for that.”

  “And Callum’s important to me too, obviously,” I shot back at her.

  “But I’ve known Jack forever, we were friends before, and this, well this is the real thing.”

  “And for me this is no different!”

  Grace paused for a fraction of a second. “Hon, think about it – it has to be. Apart from the fact that you’ve only known him for five minutes, he’s not even properly alive!” Grace was the only person who knew about Callum, and she believed me because she had seen Catherine when she had been trying to kill us both in Kew Gardens weeks before. It was such a relief to be able to have honest conversations with someone about him, even if I didn’t agree with what she was saying.

  “That’s low, Grace. I love Callum, I know I do, despite the problems. I’m just having a minor lust moment, I think, that’s all.”

  I could hear Grace thinking. “Have you ever considered that you might just be having a minor lust moment with Callum? I mean, it was seriously quick.”

  “No,” I said angrily. “It’s absolutely not the same.”

  “Calm down and listen to me. It could easily be: Callum appears out of nowhere, he’s gorgeous, he wants you but you can’t have him. It’s the perfect recipe for unattainable lust. You have to be realistic, hon.”

  “I am being realistic. I’m going to make it work.”

  There was a brief silence, and I could tell that Grace thought I was mad. “Alex, how are you going to do that? It’s impossible.”

  “It’s not. I think there may be a way to bring him over. I just can’t explain it all to you now.”

  There was a pause and I could hear the distance between us crackling. “Well,” she said, clearly dying to ask me for more details, “in that case, if you’re sure, you need to be careful how you treat Max; you can’t play with people’s feelings.”

  “I know, and I feel really bad about that.”

  “You need to stay away from him. Show him you’re really not interested.”

  “I suppose. That’s going to be pretty hard though.”

  Grace paused, and I knew that hundreds of miles away she was giving me one of her shrugs. “That’s how it is, babe. It’s your only choice now.”

  “I know. I just don’t want it to be and was hoping you had a magic answer.”

  “Sorry. No magic here.”

  I knew that she was right, but the thought of deliberately ignoring Max, refusing to walk with him, not going with the others to the beach bars in the evening, wasn’t an easy one to contemplate.

  “Thanks, Grace. I’m sorry to dump all that on you.”

  “No worries,” she said. “But you are going to ignore my excellent advice though, I can tell. I want to hear all about him when we both get back.”

  I smiled and rang off, thinking how lucky I was to have a friend like Grace. I sat for a bit, staring out of the window at the bright bougainvillea casting a pink-tinted dappled shadow, watching without seeing as a fat bee buzzed from bloom to bloom.

  The conversation had only confused me more, thanks to Grace pointing out some uncomfortable home truths. I had fallen for Callum laughably quickly. So was it love? Or was it only lust? How was I supposed to know the difference?

  As Grace predicted, I couldn’t bring myself to ignore Max completely, but I did try not to be alone with him any more. Luckily only a few days of the holiday remained. I was really firm with him, and myself, and didn’t allow anything to happen that might give him the idea I was interested in him. Every night I stood in front of the bathroom mirror trying to imagine Callum’s familiar features behind my shoulder or his featherlight touch on my hair or cheek or shoulder. And every night it got increasingly difficult. I was missing him more and more, and couldn’t wait until we were home and I could go to the top of St Paul’s again. I spent a great deal of time fantasising about what we would say and do when we finally saw each other again, and tried not to remember the times when my thoughts wandered off in an entirely different direction. Thinking of Max was out of bounds.

  On the last day my carefully constructed evasion plan failed completely. At the beach I had been volunteered to go to the bar to get cold drinks for everyone, and Max had offered to help. Refusing would have been rude, so we walked away from the group together.

  “You’ve been very quiet these last few days, Alex,” he said as soon as we were out of earshot. “Did I do something wrong?”

  “No, honestly, it’s nothing like that.”

  “So what is it then?” he pressed. “There has to be something. You’ve barely said a word to me.”

  What should I say? Make something up or let him know the truth? I glanced over at him and he was watching me carefully. “I didn’t want to hurt you,” I admitted slowly, then pushed on quickly. “I didn’t want to give you the wrong impression and then have to let you down.” I could feel the blood rushing to my cheeks as I continued to stare at the sand.

  “What impression was that then?” he asked with a smile in his voice.

  “I didn’t want you to think that you, well, you know…”

  “That I would be in with a chance, you mean?”

  “Exactly,” I replied quickly, grateful that I hadn’t had to say the words myself.

  “I’m not sure that’s the whole story.” Max’s tone was casual as we carried on walking. “I think that you fancy me too, but don’t trust yourself.”

  “Well, maybe there’s a tiny bit of that,” I admitted, wondering a fraction of a second too late if the better response would have been to be offended.

  “I knew it!” Max caught my hand and pulled me round to face him.

  “Everyone fancies you, Max, and you know it.”

  “I don’t want everyone, Alex. I only want you.”

  I finally met his gaze, expecting to see his usual grin, but he was looking steadily down at me with such an open, honest expression that I could hardly bear to look at him. He was so nice, and all I had done was mislead him. I was suddenly filled with shame. “I’m so sorry,” I whispered, my voice catching.

  Max pulled me into his arms and held me close. “Don’t be upset, please,” he whispered into my hair.

  His kindness was too much and for a second I let go of the pent-up emotion. A sob escaped and I felt his arms tighten protectively around me.

  “I’m … I’m sorry,” I mumbled again into his T-shirt, overwhelmed by the sudden feeling of security I felt.

  “Hey, shush. No worries. It’s your decision.” He gently stroked my hair, reminding me of another touch. I quickly pulled away, keeping my face averted.

  “I didn’t mean to do that. I’m sorry.”

  “You already said that several times,” said Max gently, lifting my face to look at him. Passion burned in his velvety-brown eyes and I gasped. As I did, he leaned down and pressed his lips on mine. He was gentle and warm, and his lips tasted slightly salty. I couldn’t help kissing him back for the briefest of seconds before I came to my senses. I pushed him away, as firmly as I could. He lifted his head and looked at me with a rueful smile.

  “I’m sorry, Max, but this isn’t what I want.”

  “Are you sure? I could have sworn—”

  “I’m absolutely sure. You’re a great guy, Max, and under other circumstances, well, things might be different, but I’m not free.”

  “Callum’s a long way away right now. Can’t I lead you astray a tiny bit before we have to get back on that plane tomorrow?” His words were serious but there was a friendly twinkle in his eye.r />
  I smiled up at him. “It is hugely tempting, of course, but I’m a one-guy girl. That’s just how it is.”

  He pulled me into another hug, but this one was more like a bear hug. “Dammit! You girls! What are you like?”

  “Loyal, that’s what we’re like, you cheeky beggar.” I squeezed him back and dropped my arms. He quickly did the same and we didn’t look at each other as we stepped back. “So shall we get those drinks then? The others will be wondering where we’ve got to.”

  “I guess,” he agreed, and we continued down the beach. I tried to make light conversation, but all the while I was fighting the wave of guilt and shame that was threatening to overwhelm me. I couldn’t believe that I had kissed him back, not when I loved Callum so completely. And I did love Callum, didn’t I?

  We were all leaving the following morning, flying into Heathrow but from different airports. Max and Sabrina’s dad had been very smug that the flights they had got from Seville were half the price of those we had from Malaga. But they had to leave long before us and I heaved an inward sigh of relief as I finally said goodbye to Sabrina and Max in the hotel lobby. He gave me a quick peck on both cheeks but said nothing, and I smiled as brightly as possible and rambled on about how great it had been and that it would be lovely to see them all again before next year.

  I watched as they walked to their car, still not quite understanding why the sight of him leaving made me feel so dreadful when Callum would be waiting for me in just a few hours’ time. However hard I tried my mind kept wandering to and fro between the dark-haired, solid, available Max and the blond, ethereal, trapped Callum.

  The flight seemed interminable but we actually landed at Heathrow slightly ahead of time. As the plane finally rolled to a stop at the gate and all the passengers started to stand up, I called Callum’s name quietly. Within minutes the familiar tingle was back and I realised I was choked with emotion, just knowing he was there.

  “Hi, gorgeous, you’re back early.” His familiar tones filled me with longing and I felt more than a little twinge of guilt for the time I hadn’t spent thinking about him.

  “Hi, I’m sorry, it’s difficult to talk now, but I wanted you to know I was back. I’ll call you as soon as I can, OK?” I whispered as clearly but as quietly as I could, but it wasn’t quietly enough to avoid Mum.

  “What did you say, Alex? What’s in the back?”

  “Nothing, Mum, really. I was just muttering to myself, that’s all.”

  She huffed a little, but didn’t quiz me further, which was as well. I so wanted to see Callum, to reassure myself that he was as kind, thoughtful, perfect and, well, beautiful as I remembered. But every time I thought about him, the memory of kissing Max leapt into my mind. I kept shoving it away but it was persistent, and the more it happened, the guiltier I felt. I was really glad that wearing the amulet meant I didn’t have an aura: mine would be sure to give away the turmoil of emotions in my head.

  We waited for ages at immigration and everyone was getting quite tetchy by the time we finally made it through to the baggage reclaim area. There was the usual scramble for trolleys, then the jostling for position around the luggage carousels. There was no sign of any of the bags despite the fact we’d been stuck in the passport queue for ages. I took a quick look around; there were plenty of places where I could pretend to make a call and speak to Callum. I edged away from the others on the pretence of going to the ladies’, fixing in my earpiece as I went. “Callum, I’ve got a few minutes before the bags arrive. Are you here?”

  I had just reached a pillar to hide behind and was anticipating the tingle in my wrist at any second, so the gentle touch on my other arm made me jump. I spun around.

  “Alex! Oh, I’m sorry, are you on the phone?”

  In my surprise I forgot to lie. “Max? No, not right now. What are you doing here?”

  “Our flight got delayed,” he said. “So much for Dad’s bargain-bucket tickets, eh? Anyway, I’m glad it did. It’s given me the chance to say something I meant to say earlier, but chickened out.”

  I looked up into his smiling, nervous face. As I did, I felt the tingle in my wrist. I couldn’t believe it – this couldn’t be happening, not here! Callum was right there, listening to every word of this conversation, and whatever Max was about to tell me, I was sure Callum wasn’t going to like it.

  “Nothing to be said, really,” I tried to say in an offhand but friendly manner, not wanting to hurt Max either, and desperately trying to think of a way out of the situation. But my mind had gone blank. The tingle remained in my wrist.

  “No, it does need to be said.” Max reached up and briefly stroked my face. “I had a wonderful holiday, and that was down to you, and especially our fabulous days on the beach. I’m not going to forget kissing you in a hurry. You’re a great girl, Alex, and your Venezuelan boyfriend ought to get over here before someone else decides to try their luck.” He bent down and kissed me on the cheek. “Who knows? Maybe it’ll be me,” he whispered.

  I could feel the blood rushing to my face as he ran his hand down my arm before turning to leave. It was only then that I realised the tingle had disappeared too.

  “Callum?” I whispered frantically. “Where have you gone?”

  There was only silence.

  I spent the rest of the journey home in a daze, refusing to get drawn into conversation. Pretty quickly my family gave up trying, instead talking and laughing among themselves about the holiday. I stared out of the window of the minicab, replaying the conversation in my mind. Had Callum heard everything? As there was no sign of him I had to assume the worst.

  I tried hard not to think of Max, not to dwell on the way he had stroked my cheek or what he had whispered in my ear.

  Once we were back at home it was difficult to get away to call Callum again. There was a small mountain of post on the front doormat, and even after a fortnight the place had a musty, unused air. I took my bag upstairs and looked hopefully in my mirror, but there was no sign of him behind me. I had to find somewhere quiet to call him, to get this sorted out. I just had to. I suddenly had a flash of inspiration, jumped off my bed and ran downstairs.

  “Mum, do we need some milk?”

  Mum looked up at me in surprise. “Well, yes, I guess we do. Are you OK, Alex? You’ve been very quiet.”

  “I … umm … I was feeling a bit carsick, that’s all. I fancy a cuppa now, with proper British milk. I’ll nip up to the shop and get some.” Before she could say anything else I scooped up my bag and was through the door. I hastily shoved the earpiece back in my ear and pulled the little mirror out of my pocket.

  “Callum? Are you there? Please, I need to talk to you!”

  I was walking quickly, but not so quickly that he wouldn’t be able to keep up, and still there was nothing. As soon as I reached the children’s playground I grabbed the nearest bench. Sitting down I could use the mirror to scan around. There was no sign of him.

  “Callum! Please come and talk to me. You’ve got the wrong end of the stick, honestly! Won’t you let me explain?”

  I waited for a moment but there was no tingle in my arm. I knew that he could hear me, wherever he was, and I was getting desperate.

  “Look, at least hear me out, then if you want to go, I’ll understand.” I couldn’t believe that I was actually saying those words. “But listen to me first, please?”

  Looking around in the mirror I suddenly jumped. Callum was standing right behind me, but his hood was obscuring his face. He made no move to connect our amulets.

  “I don’t know how much you heard but you have to believe me when I say nothing happened. That’s the honest truth!” There was still no tingle so I tried again. “OK, let me go through the whole thing. Max is a family friend, more a friend of Josh’s really, and our families met up out in Spain. So we spent a bit of time together, as friends. I know that he would’ve liked more than that, but I didn’t encourage him, I promise. He knows that I have a boyfriend, but he thinks you live in
Venezuela, so that’s what he meant about how you ought to get here soon.” I put the mirror down and held out my wrist. “I love you, Callum. I’ve missed you desperately. Please come here?”

  I sat in silence for a moment, holding my breath. What would I do if he just left, if I never saw him again? I’d already felt the pain of losing him, and I absolutely couldn’t stand to go through that again.

  After a couple of agonising seconds there was a familiar tingle in my wrist and I exhaled in relief. “Thank you,” I whispered. “It was all a horrible mistake, I promise.”

  “Are you sure, Alex?” Callum’s voice was gruff. “I saw the look in that guy’s eyes. He didn’t think it was a mistake.”

  “I can’t help what he thinks. All I can promise is that I didn’t encourage him, and that he knows I’m yours.” There was a grunt and then a brief silence. I still didn’t dare lift the mirror to look at him. I didn’t want to see the anger on his face, anger that I had caused. “Twice I’ve thought I’ve lost you, Callum. Don’t you remember? Don’t do this to me again. I couldn’t bear it.”

  I was suddenly aware of a gentle pressure on my cheek; the lightest of touches, as if I was being stroked by a feather. “I couldn’t bear it either,” he said in a voice so full of pain it made me flinch. He wasn’t angry, but I’d hurt him badly. I slowly lifted the mirror and he came into view behind me. His handsome face was etched in misery, reminding me of the time I had seen him in the crypt of St Paul’s, directly under the dome.

  “Please believe me: Max means nothing. Nothing! I’ve been desperate to see you and talk to you again.” I lifted my hand to find his cheek, feeling only the subtle resistance in the air, but watching my fingers in the mirror trace a line down to his jaw. His head lifted slightly and his hooded eyes met mine.

  “I couldn’t blame you, you know. I mean, I’m not much use to you like this, am I?” There was a sudden and bitter twist to his words.

  “We’ve been over this before,” I said as patiently as I could. “I don’t care. The entire line-up from my favourite band could stand there begging to go out with me, but I wouldn’t be interested. I love you, Callum. You, and only you.”