by S. C. Ransom
I hunched down in one of the seats, ignoring all the other passengers and trying not to cry. I couldn’t be crying as I talked to the Dirges; I really had to get a grip. It was also going to be one of the last times I saw Callum at the top of the dome. I couldn’t bring myself to believe that it was the last time I would hold him, but there weren’t going to be many more. I rubbed my hands over my face and pulled my bag into my lap. Luckily I still had a pack of wet wipes in there from my dog-walking duties, so I wiped my face clean of the salty streaks that the tears had left, then rummaged to see what make-up I had with me. It was a pretty poor selection: just an old mascara and the stub of a lipstick. My face in the mirror was tired and drawn. I had to do better than that.
I looked at the time and then at the Tube map up on the wall of the carriage. I could get off slightly earlier and buy some concealer, and still make it there before the last entry time. I was on the District Line, so getting off at Blackfriars would be perfect. There was bound to be a chemist’s or something near there. It was then only a five-minute walk up the hill to St Paul’s.
With my plan settled I sat back and tried not to think. Thinking wasn’t helpful; I just had to work on instinct. I tried to distract myself with watching the scenery but within minutes the train had plunged underground. I started thinking about how I was going to be feeling on that trip back, when everything was over, when the one I loved was gone. Before I realised it I was imagining Max comforting me; having him hold me tight while I mourned for Callum. It was only for a second but I was horrified with myself. How could I be that callous? Was it because I secretly wanted Max? Was my subconscious telling me what I needed to do? I put my head in my hands and gazed unseeingly at the worn floor while I tried to examine my motives.
No, I decided, sitting up straight. I was positive I was going to release the Dirges for the right reasons, not to make my life more convenient. It was a momentary daydream, nothing more.
I picked up a discarded newspaper to try and get the images out of my head by reading about the latest celebrities, but it was a waste of time. The news stories weren’t much help either. Reading about various disasters around the world was also hopeless. I couldn’t help comparing the disasters with the one I was about to create, when two or three hundred people appeared dead in the Thames. What would the headlines be on the papers after that? Or would they cover it all up? No one would be able to explain what had happened so it might be easier to pretend that it hadn’t.
I was so wrapped up in that train of thought I nearly missed the announcement that came over the intercom.
“Due to a passenger under a train further up the line this train will be terminating at Temple. All change at Temple.”
There was an immediate wave of irritation from the other passengers; lots of tutting and heavy sighs, and every aura turned red or purple. I looked up at the map: Temple was only one stop short of Blackfriars and I knew that I would be able to walk along the Embankment really easily. I would just have to walk quickly.
As the train pulled in I made sure I was at the door ready to beat the rush up the steps and into the daylight, and thankfully the stairs were right next to the carriage I had been in. I was outside in a matter of minutes, walking quickly along the busy road that followed the north bank of the Thames. The rain here had only recently stopped so the pavements were still slick and I could see that the river was at high tide. The grey seawater was rolling and swirling as it fought its way upstream against all the rainwater coming in the opposite direction. I shivered at the thought of being thrown into it, even on a summer’s day.
I was trying not to think about being in the river when I nearly walked into a couple coming out of an ornate gateway. Glancing through the railings next to it I could see a beautiful garden, which was lovely but not very helpful in my search for a shop that sold make-up. I tried to edge past the pair, who were having a fairly animated discussion while walking slowly – too slowly. I needed to go faster as I couldn’t afford to miss the cut-off time for getting up to the top of the dome. I was so wrapped up in my problems it took a few minutes to place the voice.
“Look, if that’s what they say is the deal, then that’s what you’re going to have to live with. Dad always said that there’s no point in trying to argue with lawyers.”
I was so surprised I stopped dead, then had to run a couple of steps to catch them up again. I didn’t understand how it could be possible. He was talking again as I got back in earshot.
“Well, you haven’t exactly helped yourself, have you? This can’t be a surprise.” His red aura matched his exasperated tone.
“You would say that,” spat the young woman, her deep-red aura suddenly morphing into a livid purple shade. “None of you care what’s happening to me!”
“Catherine, that’s not true, and you know it.” A phone suddenly went off and he pulled a handset from his pocket. “Crap. I’ve got to take this – I won’t be a second. There are some benches over there. Hi, yes, we’ve just finished…” Callum turned around, phone pressed to his ear, and glanced past me. My mouth fell open as I watched him ignore me completely and move away to continue his conversation. I couldn’t believe it. Veronica must have persuaded Catherine after all and the two of them had come up with some sort of magnificent rescue plan while I had been travelling back from Cornwall. The shock and surprise was being overtaken by joy. I couldn’t wait to speak to him.
“Callum?” I ventured carefully, touching him on the arm in wonder. A real arm, attached to a real, living, breathing person.
He turned around, a small frown of irritation on his forehead. “Hang on a sec, someone wants me,” he said into the phone. “Can I help you?” His stunning blue eyes met mine without a hint of recognition.
“Callum?” I repeated, unable to keep the grin off my face or my hands off his arm. “You made it! How on earth—”
He stepped back ever so slightly, forcing me to let go. “I’m sorry, do I know you?” His face had a look of polite bewilderment; he had no idea who I was.
“I … I’m sorry, I think we have met, but maybe you don’t remember.”
“OK, well, it’s good to see you but I’m on the phone right now. Some other time?” He lifted the receiver away from his ear to make his point, flashed a brief smile and turned away to continue his conversation. “Hi, sorry about that, OK, so what we agreed was…”
I backed away, a feeling of cold dread seeping through my body. Whatever Veronica and Catherine had done, however they had managed this, he had absolutely no memory of me whatsoever. For a moment I stood and watched him, taking in the strength of his shoulders, the sunlight on his hair, the way he used his free hand to punctuate whatever it was he was talking about on the phone, and the feeling of loss was almost overwhelming. Here was everything I wanted, everything I had hoped for, but he had forgotten all about me.
I turned away blindly, not knowing what to do next. I didn’t want to leave him, but to him I was a passing stranger. As I looked up I saw a familiar figure on the other side of the road. Catherine had crossed over and was walking slowly up towards the bridge. She would have the answers.
Dodging the traffic I made it to the far side, but by then she was some way ahead. She wasn’t hard to spot, though; the purple mist that she wore like a cloak was as obvious to me as a flashing light on her head. I had never seen anyone so depressed. When I finally caught up with her she was about to go up the steps on to the bridge itself.
“Catherine, hang on, talk to me!”
She turned around slowly, and her green eyes settled on me like a laser. Her aura pulsed with red but she stayed silent.
I held on to the railings, getting my breath back. “You do walk fast when you want to,” I said with a smile, determined to be friendly. Whatever she had done before, she had come back and helped to save Callum. “How did you get here so quickly?”
She looked down her nose at me, obviously annoyed. “What?” she snapped. “What are you talking about?�
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“Look, there’s no need to be like that, truly.” I smiled again, but more hesitantly. “It was a great thing you did for Callum. Thank you.”
“Callum!” she exploded. “Has he put you up to this?”
“No, hang on, no one has put me up to anything. I just wanted to say thank you. I wish it had made you a little happier.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean that we can help you. There’s no need to be so depressed.” The look she gave me was one of pure hatred, and the purple mist became alarmingly dark. I tried again. “Look, it’s obvious to me how you feel. I do want to help, whatever you think. You’ve been given another chance and you need to learn how to be happy. Please don’t think about jumping again.”
“What’s he been telling you?” Her voice was low, ominous. “What’s he been telling you, a perfect stranger, about me? He thinks I’m suicidal, does he? Do you? I’ll make you regret interfering!” She was suddenly yelling and I stepped back in alarm.
I looked around wildly. Callum was walking towards us having finished his call and I saw him suddenly break into a run. I turned back towards Catherine. She had run halfway up the steps and was in the process of climbing over the railings. I was paralysed with fear. The water below her was churning and angry. As I tried to move I found myself shoved to one side as Callum raced past but he was too late. Catherine had made it over the railings and had leapt into the Thames.
“Get help, now!” he yelled at me as he ripped off his jacket and vaulted over the railings. I ran to the side and could see him fighting the currents, trying to see where she had gone. She had disappeared completely and he dived again and again to try and find her. The tide had turned and the currents were whipping back under the bridge. His head came up again after the longest time and I could see him being swept along towards a torrent of water that was pouring out of a gulley in the river wall. Suddenly everything seemed to go into slow motion: Callum’s head slipped under the surface again but I saw his hand reach a ladder at the side of the gushing outflow. The long fingers had a good grip on the rusty ironwork and I could see the tendons straining in his wrist. And then in the blink of an eye, his hand was gone.
I realised I was screaming, the sound echoing off the underside of Blackfriars Bridge, screaming at the water that was the River Fleet. I fell to my knees as people ran to help, summoning the lifeboat, but I knew it was pointless; they couldn’t save them and there would be no bodies to find. I knew now that Catherine had been right. It was all my fault. I had made her jump so, thanks to me, Callum and Catherine were worse than dead. They were Dirges.
I was still kneeling on the pavement, my hands gripping the bars of the railings, when someone in the crowd stepped forward to try and comfort me. Their hands were firm on my shoulders. “It’s OK, lassie, the lifeboat’s nearly here. Try and quieten down a touch.” As he spoke I became conscious of a heart-rending keening noise and realised that it was me. I couldn’t stop though; I didn’t deserve to stop. It was no wonder Catherine hated me so badly: if she had got that memory back, if she replayed that little scene in her head time and time again she would have to come to the conclusion that I was to blame. And I was to blame.
Strong fingers prised mine from the railings and I felt myself being lifted up, taken away from the water’s edge. I could see the lifeboat sweeping the area under the bridge, puzzled looks on the faces of the crew. I fought to continue watching, even though I knew it was hopeless, but the man who had picked me up just held me tighter.
“Put me down!” I finally gasped. “Please, I need to go, to help…”
“Shhh. The experts are here now; they’ll find them. They just might get washed a bit downstream that’s all. Plenty of people are fished out of the water after an hour or more and are perfectly OK. The water’s not that cold at this time of the year, not really. I’m sure they’ll be fine.”
I felt numb, horrified. Finally I stopped struggling, allowing myself to be helped to one of the bench seats. I kept replaying the hideous scene again and again, watching Callum jump into the water, seeing his hand suddenly vanish from the ladder as the hideous world of the Dirges claimed them both. How could it be? How could drowning in the Fleet have taken him back in time? He wasn’t old after all, not like Lucas had been. He was still a teenager. The world of the Dirges hadn’t held off the ageing process for him; it had done something quite different.
The guy still had a firm hand on my shoulder, stopping me from moving as the pointless sweep of the water continued. I could hear the powerful engines of a second lifeboat coming to join the search, and wondered how long they would look for; when they would give up and assume the worst. Were they the ones who had watched Lucas burn? They would definitely be the ones plucking the bodies out of the water when I finally released them all. Yet again my eyes welled up thinking how close I had got to saving them all: if only Catherine had been persuaded to help us, the lifeboat crews would have been rescuing everyone, setting them free regardless of how long they had been captured in their torment. Would those who had been Dirges longest die first? I wondered.
That thought continued to echo around my head as I watched the police helicopter sweep downstream. A full, fruitless rescue effort was in process, and looked like it was going to carry on for some time. As the helicopter returned up the southern bank my subconscious suddenly broke through: Callum had actually only been a Dirge for a matter of minutes so far. Maybe he wouldn’t be consumed by fire, and given that there was already a search-and-rescue operation going on, if they all appeared in the river immediately, there would be a much better chance of saving him. My head snapped round towards the man who had lifted me away from the edge, and I grabbed him by the arm.
“Please, what’s going on? Why do they need a helicopter?” I asked in a voice that came out scratchy and rasping, tugging his sleeve again. “Could you find out for me?”
“You just carry on sitting there for a moment,” he said kindly, “and I’ll go and get an update for you.” The minute his back was turned I leapt up from the chair and sprinted across the road. Ignoring all the shouts I ran as fast as I could up away from the river and towards St Paul’s, reaching for my phone as I went.
Veronica picked up on the first ring. “Alex! Where have you got to? Are you still coming into London today?”
“There’s no time to talk,” I gasped. “I need you at the cathedral – now. Where are you?”
“Well, I’m here, but the place is shut. Whatever’s happened?”
“Shut!” I exploded. “It can’t be shut! It’s a church.”
“They are getting ready for an event tomorrow, setting out the chairs in the nave. It’s nearly done now though. Why do you need to be here?”
“I need to do it now,” I gasped as I negotiated my way around a crowd of people waiting for the lights to change. “I need to release all the Dirges NOW!”
“Now?” Veronica’s voice was an uncharacteristic squeak. “Why the sudden rush?”
“I’ll explain everything when I see you, but you need to help me. Callum is getting them all together at the moment, but they only think I want to talk to them. They don’t know I have to kill them all now.”
I could sense Veronica trying to calm herself – and me – down. “OK, Alex, whatever you say. Come to the cathedral. The café entrance will be the best. Wait there and I’ll come and let you in.”
“OK, five minutes,” I blurted out as I shut the phone off.
I carried on running, trying and failing to obliterate the picture in my head. I had spoken to Callum, a real, living, breathing human Callum. I had even touched him, and then I had been responsible for him having to jump. If I hadn’t spoken with Catherine, if I hadn’t said what I did, then she wouldn’t have leapt into the water and none of this would have happened. They wouldn’t have been Dirges and their lives would have carried on. But if I hadn’t done that, then I wouldn’t have been there either. The whole impossibility of it threatened to ov
erwhelm me. I knew that time worked in a strange way for the Dirges, that Lucas thought he had been there for much less than fifty years, but I would never have guessed that Callum and Catherine had been dragged in from their own future.
What I was positive about, what was absolutely clear, was that I had to try and fix things. I had to make things right, and I had to do it quickly. Perhaps there was a chance, a tiny chance, that by releasing Callum immediately he would be OK, that he wouldn’t explode in a hideous fireball. I had to try.
As usual in late afternoon Ludgate Circus was packed with office workers starting to make their way home. I was about to turn up towards the cathedral when I realised that I had to talk to Callum in private; I had to confess what I had done.
I didn’t want to go too close to the cathedral as all the Dirges would be there. Standing on the traffic island in the middle of the road I looked around desperately, earning some strange looks from the people standing nearby. I pressed my phone to my ear. “Callum? Can you join me for a moment? There’s something we need to talk about.” I was never sure how many of the others could hear what I said when I called him, so I didn’t want to give too much away. The tingle in my wrist was almost immediate.
“Alex? What’s the problem? I was busy getting all the others together so that you can talk to them. They’re all on the steps at the moment as the cathedral is shut for some reason so you can’t come in.”
“We need to talk – urgently. Somewhere no one will be listening.”
“Umm, OK,” I could almost hear him thinking. “St Bride’s Churchyard – none of us ever go there.”
“Back up Fleet Street, yeah?” I started to walk.
“It’ll only take a minute.” He paused for a second. “Do you not want to do it after all?” I glimpsed his face in a passing window, and there was nothing but kindness and understanding there. I couldn’t believe that I was going to have to tell him what I knew. I could imagine the look on his face changing from one of love to one of loathing.