by S. C. Ransom
“It’s not that, it’s something else but we need to hurry.” I was running up Fleet Street, looking for the little side alley we had been down a few weeks before. I felt him nearly lose contact as I turned down the little lane, the church glistening white in front of us.
I ran up the worn steps and into the deserted churchyard, sinking down on to the nearest bench. Pulling out my little mirror I sat up tall and tried to feel strong. “Thanks. I need to talk to you on your own, somewhere quiet where we won’t be overheard.”
“Well, this is perfect,” he said with an encouraging smile. “This churchyard always gives me the creeps and I’ve never seen any of the others here either. Ironically, I think it’s something to do with all the dead people.” He smiled again. “So what’s up?”
“I have to tell you something difficult, Callum. Please believe that I love you completely and always will.” I finally found the courage to look him in the eyes. His happy smile was being replaced by a slightly bewildered confusion.
“OK, I believe you. I love you too, you know that, whatever you have to do.” He gently kissed the top of my head and I nearly lost my nerve. I could do what Veronica wanted and let them all go and he might never need to know my part in it all. If he died, he could die happy. And if he lived, well, he would have no memory of our love anyway, and it wouldn’t matter what I said.
But I couldn’t be that dishonest. He deserved to know my part in his tragedy. “I did something terrible and you’ll hate me for it.”
“Have a bit more faith in me!” Callum kissed me quickly. “I love you, remember?”
Would that be the last time he ever uttered those words to me? The butterflies in my stomach were making me feel sick and my palms were clammy with sweat. I tried to settle my breathing.
“Alex?” Callum’s voice was getting concerned. “Are you OK? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”
“I did, in some ways. I found out why Catherine hates me so much. Not half an hour ago I was walking along the Embankment coming to meet you here when I saw you and Catherine on the street.”
“What? What do you mean?”
“You were walking along in front of me, arguing. You were real, alive. You stopped to answer the phone and Catherine walked on. I tried to talk to you but you had no idea who I was. I … I wrongly assumed that Catherine had changed her mind about helping so went to thank her. She was standing by the steps leading up to Blackfriars Bridge.” Callum looked at me sharply but still didn’t say anything so I carried on. “She was so miserable, I could see that from her aura, and I had to say something. This morning she had told me she was considering jumping off a cliff, you see. I told her that she shouldn’t think about hurting herself and she went mad, accusing you of telling me, a stranger, all her problems. Then she jumped. You tried to save her. You both disappeared as you were swept under the bridge and into the water from the Fleet.”
He was silent for a moment, his eyes guarded. “And this was when?”
“Twenty, maybe thirty minutes ago. It’s only just happened. That’s why we need to do the transfer now. It might not be too late for you.” His gaze remained steady and unreadable. “Really, I mean it. I reckon that there’s a possibility that if we can get you back in the water immediately then perhaps it will be OK, you won’t have been a Dirge long enough to count; perhaps you’ll be able to live. And I’m so, so sorry. If I hadn’t spoken with her, if I hadn’t bumped into you at all, none of this would have happened. You would have spent your life as you should have done, and never had to suffer like this.” I hung my head in shame. “Please, come with me to the cathedral. You might hate me now but if you let me I can try to fix it; I just want to make things right for you.” I kept my gaze on my dirty Converse, not daring to look him in the eye any more.
When a slow finger traced a path down my cheek I flinched in surprise. I quickly glanced up at his face in my little mirror, prepared to see a look of loathing and blame on the features I loved so well. But he was smiling a sad, gentle smile. “I could never hate you, Alex, don’t you know that yet? Whatever happened to bring us here, whatever strange set of random circumstances, it doesn’t alter the fact that we are here.” He paused for a second until I looked up again, his eyes melting into mine. “Or that I love you.”
“Still?” I had to ask, not really believing what he was saying. “Even knowing that I’m to blame for everything?”
“I would happily die now, as we expected, knowing that I loved you, and that you loved me.”
“Oh, Callum, I don’t deserve you!” I rested my cheek against his as he leaned in to see me better in the mirror. “Come on then, there’s no time to waste. We must hurry.” I jumped up, turning towards the gate. “Let’s talk to the Dirges now. If I release you immediately you might have a chance. Maybe the fire that consumed Lucas was so big because he had been there for so long. You might just get a bit hurt, just a scorch – the point is we don’t know! And all the rescue teams are out searching the river now – isn’t it worth a go?” I could feel the tingle come and go as he struggled to keep pace with me as I dived back on to the pavement of Fleet Street.
“I think you’re deluding yourself. Once we took that fatal last lungful of Fleet water, we were doomed. There’s no way back.”
“Can’t we try? Please? I mean, if you’re going to die anyway, what have you got to lose?” I was getting more and more breathless as I ran, dodging the tourists who stopped mid-pavement to take photos of any old statue and carving.
“I was hoping for one last visit to the top of the dome, I guess. One last chance for us to be together.”
My thoughts flicked instantly to the Golden Gallery, the thought of being up there with him, time we would never get to spend together again, and I was torn. Holding him tight, kissing him, feeling his strong arms wrapped around me, keeping me safe… But I had to stop myself indulging in that particular fantasy; there was no time. “I would love that too, but I’d rather take the chance that you might be saved. If we get that right you can be with me forever.”
“OK, we’ll do it your way.” There was a wistful tone to his voice though, and I felt bad for denying both of us the opportunity. But I was sure it was worth the risk.
“Why don’t you get all of the Dirges up into the Whispering Gallery? If the cathedral is shut it will be easier for me to talk to them there and they will all be in a line ready for the … the end.” My voice wavered as I realised what I was saying.
“I’ll get them organised. I’ll have a quick word with Olivia first though; make sure she’s ready.”
“Thank you,” I said, feeling guilty for not giving Olivia a thought in days. “We have to make sure that she’s OK.”
Ludgate Hill was heaving with people so I dodged on to the road and started jogging up that, ignoring the beeps from the angry drivers. I was nearly there when I realised that the tingle had gone. Stopping by the statue in front of the cathedral I called out impatiently. “Come on, Veronica will be wondering where I’ve got to.”
The tingle was back. “Wait, please? Just for a second?”
I lifted the mirror so that I could see his face, raising an eyebrow in a question. He was right behind, his arms wrapped around me, his eyes full of emotion.
“This may well be our last moment alone together,” he said gruffly, not quite meeting my gaze. “I want you to know that I wouldn’t have changed a second of the past, none of it, if that would have meant not meeting you. Whatever happens now, I can go content that we had this time together. And you’ll remember me, so I’ll always be with you.” He nuzzled closer, his lips brushing my ear. “I love you, Alex. I love you more than life itself.”
I couldn’t speak, the lump in my throat was too huge. I reached up and stroked his face, feeling the gossamer lightness of it under my fingers. We stood together for a few long seconds, drinking each other in for one last time. I thought my heart would burst with love for this strange, beautiful ghost, and I knew that whatever I migh
t feel for Max was a poor substitute. Callum was my life too. As I watched he suddenly smiled.
“I thought you were in a hurry! Come on, we need to go.”
I nodded briefly and ran my hands over my face, wiping away the tears. He was right; there was no more time to waste. I had to kill him as quickly as possible.
Callum ran on ahead to the cathedral to organise the Dirges and I jogged as quickly as I could up the hill. The rush hour was well under way, so the pavements were packed with people all pleased to be going home. Their yellow auras were bright even in the watery sunshine. I tried not to think about what I was going to do, I just wanted to get it done quickly. There had to be a chance that it would work, that they would find his body in the water and revive him.
As I ran past the cathedral steps on my way to the crypt entrance I glanced around using the mirror, but there was no sign of any of the Dirges. Callum must have already got them inside. Veronica was waiting at the door, her face etched with worry. “Where have you been?” she asked as she ushered me inside. “I was beginning to think that something terrible had happened.”
“I’m sorry. I had to tell Callum in private what we were going to do, and that took a few minutes.”
“So why the rush? What’s changed your mind?”
I took her arm and started walking her down the corridor towards the café, anxious not to lose any more time. “It’s a long story. Catherine has run away, refusing to help, then on the way here I bumped into her and Callum, but real and alive, and—”
“What!” she interrupted, pulling me to a halt. “How? How did that happen?”
“We’re in a hurry,” I reminded her, taking her arm again. “I saw them just before they drowned. Catherine jumped in the Thames because of something I said; Callum tried to save her. It’s all my fault that they were Dirges in the first place, and that’s why Catherine hates me.”
I glanced at Veronica quickly as we worked our way through the ticket barrier; her mouth was hanging slackly open. “So I reckon that, given they have only just gone in the water, if I can return them to the water quickly, maybe he won’t die. Maybe his fire will only be a little one as he’s only been a Dirge such a short time; maybe he’ll be rescued and survive.” The more I carried on talking, the lamer the possibility seemed. As we got to the lift I turned and looked at her. “Am I wasting my time, Veronica? Please – what do you think?”
She seemed to shake herself out of a daze, and started scrabbling under her cassock for something. Pulling out a keycard she activated the button to summon the lift. “I don’t know,” she said annoyingly slowly. “I can see why you think that might work, but I really don’t know.” She shook her head. “They were alive earlier this afternoon? Truly?”
“Honestly and truly.”
“So that would mean that for the last few weeks there have been two Catherines walking around. Am I right?” There was a hint of wonder about her voice.
“Umm, yes, I guess so.”
Veronica stared unseeing at the lift door. “She had a doppelgänger. Catherine came back as her own doppelgänger,” she whispered.
“What? What’s that?”
“It’s an old folk tale – if you see your doppelgänger, someone who is an exact copy of you, then it’s an omen for your own death. Some cultures see them as being evil.”
“Does that mean that you’re one too?”
“I suppose I might have been, but it’s all so long ago now that the original Veronica – the original me – is long dead.”
The arrival of the lift was announced by a bell that was shockingly loud in the empty crypt. We stepped inside and she used the card again to make the buttons inside work and we started rising rapidly towards the Whispering Gallery.
Veronica became suddenly brisk. “Just so I’m clear on what we’re doing: you’re prepared to release all the Dirges now, in case there’s a chance that you might be quick enough to save Callum?”
“If there’s any chance that I can put things right, send him back to the life where he belongs, then I have to try. I owe him that much.” I could still feel the echo of his gentle touch on my cheek as he had said goodbye outside. In just a few minutes I could be up at the top of the dome and holding him in my arms, as he wanted. I clenched my hands into fists and pushed the thought away. I had to take the chance, and I had to do it immediately. I turned to face Veronica in the small lift, her face looking even older than usual in the harsh neon glare of the overhead lights. “So what do I have to do? What do you want me to tell them about you?”
“I’ll tell you what to say and do as we start. That will be best, and quickest.” The doors slid open on to a dark and gloomy landing. “Damn it!” she exclaimed. “They’ve turned out all the lights already. Hold my hand and I’ll guide you through.”
Veronica’s hand was cool and almost leathery, but her grip was surprisingly strong. I hesitated a couple of times as we moved further away from the little window in the stairwell, which let in a glimmer of light, and she promptly dragged me along again. It was easier to trust her, obeying instructions when she announced the steps. It was terribly claustrophobic, touching the walls close on either side but being able to see nothing. All I could feel was the cool stone under my feet, worn smooth by countless others over the centuries. Finally the door on to the gallery swung open and I blinked at the comparative brightness across the vastness of the dome.
Looking around I could see that the gallery was packed. Hardly a seat was free; cloaked, translucent figures filled every one, and every hood was turned towards us. “Are they all here?” whispered Veronica, suddenly and uncharacteristically nervous.
“It looks like a full house,” I whispered back. “Do you want to see?”
Her old eyes were watery as she turned towards me and nodded. As much as I trusted her I couldn’t help keeping tight hold of one side of the amulet as she slid her finger under the other side. I heard her gasp. “I can hardly believe it; I never thought I’d see any of them again.”
As she spoke I felt the telltale tingle in my wrist and looked to my right. I could see Callum standing there, looking more like a ghost than usual. “Hello, Veronica,” he said. “There’s a lot of people here who’ll be very surprised to see you.”
“Oh … hello, yes. I guess so. Is Matthew here?” She sounded distracted, scanning the hooded figures that she could suddenly see as if she didn’t quite believe that it was actually happening.
“He’s just coming.” Callum turned to face me, looking concerned. “Alex, I told them that you want to talk to them all, but not exactly what you are planning. I wanted to be sure that you were absolutely positive, that you hadn’t changed your mind.”
“I’m not changing my mind; I want to give you the chance to live. Look, we don’t have very long. Have you spoken to Olivia?”
“I couldn’t find her earlier but I think she’s here now. Let me get her while Veronica speaks with Matthew.”
“OK. Get them to hurry up though, will you? It could make all the difference.”
“I will, I promise.” He bent down to brush my cheek with his lips as he went. The tingle in my arm was immediately replaced by the slightly different one, which I recognised as Matthew’s. His shadowy figure wasn’t as distinct to me as Callum’s, but I could see he was smiling.
“Alex, it’s good to see you. I hope that you’re here because of what Callum told me that you could do. You are our only possibility of escape; you know that, don’t you?”
“I do, Matthew, but before I help you there’s someone here you need to talk with, someone you obviously don’t recognise.” I looked at Veronica. “Can you hear him OK?”
She nodded briefly and I saw Matthew turn towards her, his forehead creased in an even bigger frown than usual. “It’s been a long time, Matthew.”
There was a moment of stunned silence. “I recognise that voice,” he said eventually. “It can’t be … not Veronica, surely?”
She nodded again and I could
see the tears in her eyes. “I’m so sorry that it’s taken me so long to try and help you.”
“I don’t think any of us were expecting you to,” he said gruffly. The Dirges closest to us had obviously heard what he was saying, and they were starting to lean in to listen. I could see the news spread in a ripple around either side of the enormous round gallery. “How long has it been? Sixty years? Seventy?”
“About forty-five, I think. It’s hard to know as I spent a long time in a psychiatric hospital when I first came over, and there was no one like Alex to help me then.”
“Seems much longer,” he grunted.
“I did come back, as soon as I could, but I had no way of contacting you. I don’t know if any of you recognised me? I’ve been working here in the cathedral for the last few years.”
“You don’t look much like you did back then,” said Matthew.
“I know. It’s been a tough few decades.” Matthew made to interrupt her so she carried on quickly. “But not as tough as yours, I know.”
“So are you here to help us now?”
“Of course, it’s what I’ve been waiting for. When you become human again you get given the knowledge of how to save everyone, but not the means, not until someone else finds the amulet. I’ve been waiting to do this for decades.”
“And what exactly are you going to do?” Matthew was trying hard, I could tell, but he couldn’t keep the edge of suspicion from his voice.
“I’m going to help you to die, properly this time. Alex has agreed to do her bit so that all of you can go together.”
“Is this true, Alex? I’m sorry if I sound a bit ungrateful, but Veronica was always bit of a loose cannon. Caused no end of trouble when she was here.”
“It’s true, Matthew,” I said. “I’ve been talking to her for a while, and she genuinely wants to help. I can release you all individually, but it would be horrible to have to do it. Together we can help you all at once.”
“Do you trust her?” His eyebrows knitted further together as he asked, and made him look even more like a thug than usual.