We crawled into her big white fluffy bed and stared up at the ceiling fan just like we have so many years together. Different houses, different ceiling fans but same girls.
“I am exhausted!” Sadie says, and I agree with a deep breath.
“Working too much again?” I ask her.
“You are one to talk, you crazy woman.”
“Yeah, you’re right.”
“And all your dates with Maxwell?” I ask, prying.
“He constantly wants to meet for drinks, and then, of course, that ends in—”
“You’re such a hussy.”
“Thank you, Ry. I appreciate that.” We both turn on our sides and giggle, facing each other.
“Do you remember when we were younger and we would do what-if scenarios?” she asks.
“Yeah … of course, I do.” And it always led to trouble.
“I was just curious … What if … Trevor walks into the bar and tells you that he wants you naked on the bar after closing.” She waits for my response.
“Ummm …” I smile from ear to ear thinking of his lips talking to me that way. I get excited, as if he was a boyfriend or a crush and that was a real possibility.
“That wouldn’t happen for many reasons. 1) He is completely off par. 2) He is far too intense for me. 3) He is too business. Never smiling, never positive. In fact, almost every time I have seen him, he has been upset, mad, or agitated. He is definitely not the glass half full type of guy.”
“You work in a bar. Of course, you are going to see people at their worst. No one goes to a bar by himself to celebrate. And besides, this isn’t about reality. This is what-if.”
“Why does it matter? What if I wanted to jump his bones? What does that get me?”
“AHHH-HA! I knew you wanted him. I can tell by the way you act toward him.”
“Doesn’t matter. I don’t do complicated men,” I answer.
“I didn’t ask you to ‘do’ him. I just asked if a scenario happened, what you would do.”
“And I answered. Honestly, I might add.”
“Perhaps.”
“You have to admit he is gorgeous. I mean even in scrubs he is hot. Not many men can pull that off.” She has a dreamy look on her face.
I give her a mad face.
“OH, my God. You totally like him.”
“I do not.”
“Bullshit, Ry. You just gave me a look like he was yours when I said he was good looking.”
“I did not.”
“Tell yourself whatever you need to tell yourself. But you want him, and I would dare to even say there might be a possibility there.”
“Not from what I know. He has some major issues.”
“And you don’t?”
I swallow hard and roll on my back to refrain from making eye contact.
“You have never completely gotten over Jake or the way he treated you. You don’t want to trust another man and are too afraid of love. You work your ass off and surround yourself with horses, your aunt, and your mom. You are keeping yourself safe … not taking any risks.”
“What will that get me?”
“You know you are always so positive and thankful for everything, listening to your Christian music that so many people can’t stand, by the way, and you don’t even want to give love a chance. You aren’t living life. Life is living you.”
“I disagree.”
“I knew you would.”
“Well, at the very least, can you try to be friends? I know Maxwell said he was going to talk to Trevor too. We are going to be around each other a lot, and it will make it less awkward.”
I listen and nod my head. I could try to be friends.
I move to my other side facing the window and let the words she said sink in, knowing they were true. Even if I wanted to let Trevor in, he has to want to be let in for you to let someone in. Right?
And Trevor is not that person.
*****
Friday night, Smith’s was packed as usual. It was the biggest moneymaking night for the bar, and I always came prepared, but tonight, I didn’t have two seconds to get my thoughts together, and the worst of it is I couldn’t talk with Trevor. I was glad that Maxwell and Sadie showed up. He had come in after he finished his shift and was trying to talk to me at the bar before things got too busy. It was one of the first times I saw a smile on his face, and he had appeared to come just so we could visit.
“Well, lookie, lookie, I believe that is a smile I see on your face,” I tell him while smiling. The gorgeous face it was.
“Maybe it is …” He winks at me. What is about a wink that is so adorable?
“You want bourbon?” I ask.
“No, just a beer. I just got off and wanted to stop by before heading to bed.”
“Oh, really? Something I can help you with?”
“Ryann, can I get a—” a customer asks, interrupting us. Perfect timing, as always.
“One second—” I look at the customer, holding my finger up and waiting for Trevor to finish.
“Go ahead, Trevor.”
He smiled. “It’s okay. I will wait till you get these customers taken care of.”
“Thanks.” I work my way around the bar taking care of the orders. I was in a rush to get back to Trevor and really wasn’t paying attention to what was being ordered. He must have seen how busy I was because he headed to the table by the pool table and sat down. He looked preoccupied watching the game.
Lewis kept guard listening to the orders and making off and on conversation, not expecting me to answer.
“Can I get a shot of tequila with a lime?” I knew the voice but didn’t want to look up and see who it was.
Motherfucker. Why tonight? It is as if he knows I am starting to look forward to seeing another man.
I start to make his order, but I don’t look up or give him the satisfaction of my personal attention. He would never get that again.
“Are you going to look up at me, Ry?”
“Don’t call me that.”
“I can call you anything I want. You were my girlfriend for—”
“WERE is the imperative word in that sentence.” I still don’t make contact with him. Instead, roughly placed his shot on the bar. “That will be six dollars.”
He put the money down and then sat on the barstool, replacing the person who took off after hearing our conversation and feeling the tension. “I have all night to sit here until you can look at me and we can talk.”
“What in the hell do we have to talk about?” I madly state. He is such an asshole.
“I wanted to see how you were holding up.”
I snort. “As if you really care. Why now? Why are you here now? It’s been years!”
“Why not?”
“Can you just leave? We don’t have anything to say to each other.”
“You’re doing well?” he asks, and the tone of his voice seems to be hoping for me to say no. But that isn’t going to happen.
“Fabulous. No thanks to you. I have moved on and am very happy now.”
“With another man?”
“How is that any of your business?” I ask getting pissed. I have my hand on my hip, and I realize all of a sudden the bar is slow, and I have waited on everyone. I take the chance to wipe down the bar in front of me. I look toward the back of the bar where Trevor is, but I no longer see him. Damn it.
Jake starts to get up but leans in to where he is almost face to face with me and freezes. The nerve! I didn’t honestly realize I still had the anger I had, but it must have been harboring. I pulled back my arm and slapped him right across his face. He was stunned and so was Sadie, who had just walked up behind him with Maxwell and Trevor in tow. The look on their faces was at a complete loss except for Sadie, who knew exactly what was going on.
“You bitch!” he spat. “I was coming to apologize for the things I put you through—”
“Bullshit. And I don’t need an apology so that you can clear your conscience. I need you to stay the hell away f
rom me.”
“You haven’t changed a bit, have you? Hot tempered just like the days we were together. You need to get some serious help.”
Sadie spoke up, defending me just like she always had. She hated Jake, and he knew it.
“How about you get the hell out of here before I have my friends here escort you out, you asshole. You were lucky enough to get her the first time, but that won’t happen again. She doesn’t want anything to do with cheating trash.”
“Fuck you, Sadie. Takes trash to know trash, doesn’t it?”
Maxwell and Trevor get closer to Jake letting him know that things are about to get serious. Maxwell is larger than Jake is, and Trevor meets him eye to eye, but both are ready to defend me.
It was nice for a change. Trevor was taking it much more serious than Maxwell was, making me wonder if he really did have a smidge of feelings for me.
Jake pushes through them shoving Trevor back. Trevor pushes him back toward the door speeding up his exit. Jake came back toward Trevor, ready to fight.
“Who in the fuck do you think you are?” Jake asks.
“A man who isn’t going to watch another man disrespect a woman,” Trevor said.
“I can say whatever the hell I want to that bitch.”
Trevor pulled back and punched him in the nose. Maxwell stood beside him but didn’t say anything.
“You broke my nose, you asshole.” Jake stands up holding his nose.
“If you come near her again, I will break a lot more.”
Lewis stood up behind Trevor and Maxwell and then patted Trevor on the back as they watched Jake limp out.
“Good job, son.” Lewis comments.
Trevor shook his hand.
“You okay?” Sadie asks.
“Yes. I just … of all nights?” I took a deep breath thankful he left but regretful for the anger I still had for him.
Trevor came back up to the bar.
“Thank you for that, Trevor.”
“You don’t have to thank me.”
I lean over the bar and kiss his cheek. “Yeah, I do. You’re the first guy who has ever stood up for me.”
“That’s insane.”
I laugh, and he did with me. “I hate being around people who bring out my anger! So frustrating.”
“I bet it is. Let me guess? An ex?”
“The ex. We have been broken up for years now. I don’t know why tonight of all nights—”
“To take you by surprise, I suppose.”
“Well … he succeeded then.”
“So I was thinking … what do you think of us hanging around here till you get off and then we can make sure you get home safe. I worry this asshole might show back up.”
“I doubt it … and really that isn’t necessary.”
“I want to …” he says, and he touches my hands that are sitting on the bar nervously.
Sadie looks over at me and smiles. “Just wait till you see Ry’s house …”
“Oh, yeah? That nice, huh?” Maxwell asked.
“I recommend us getting drunk so we don’t notice what a cracker box it is when we drive up.”
“Really, Sadie?” I sarcastically snarled. “I love my house. And you love my house. I don’t see you arguing when you are eating my baked snacks I have cooked in my ‘cracker box.’”
She rolls her eyes at me. “You get off in an hour?”
“Yeah …”
“I’m going to go beat the guys in pool and then hopefully you’ll be done. Can we get some drinks before we head that way?”
“I’ll bring them over,” Trevor says, dismissing them.
“All right,” Sadie says and winks at me before she leaves the bar.
“I can see how your ex would have a hard time getting over you. You are … well … a lot of things, and I only know very little about you.”
“That is nice to say, Trevor.”
“Seriously … I am sure he regrets whatever he did—”
“Too late.”
“Glad to hear it.”
“Why?”
“I’d like to get to know you … like I told you earlier. I don’t mean like childish kids … which clearly your ex was—”
“We were kids when we dated. I was in college.”
“Hmmm … I do want to know more about you. I just think we have some things we should clear up first.”
“Here?” I looked around as if I was shocked he was going to start a conversation so personal here. For Pete’s sake, Lewis was at the end of the bar leaning back so he could hear us. That old man acts as if he is watching TV but eavesdrops on all the conversations to be had.
“No, not here.” He smiled.
I give him a few beers to take to the group, and he delivers them, leaving me with my own thoughts.
Trevor … Trevor … Trevor … He has me mad, frustrated, lusting, crushing but then pissed again. I feel like a yo-yo.
*****
Trevor
I jump in the car to ride with Ryann to Dripping Springs instead of with Maxwell and Sadie. She drives a two-door Chevy Cavalier that has seen better days. The once black paint was faded and blotchy. It looked like she had been driving it since high school, but she seemed happy with it. When I asked her, she said it got the job done, was paid off, and had never failed her; that was more than she could say for many things.
Maxwell plans for Sadie to give him head on the way to Ryann’s trailer. He’s always had a way of one, finding the girls who would do it, and two, getting what he wanted from those said girls. They were always willing to please him. I was just thankful he had enough courtesy to tell me so I wasn’t in the truck with them. It wouldn’t be the first time, unfortunately.
Everything about Ryann seemed to shock me, keeping me guessing on every detail of her life. I knew very little about her other than what my mom had said, and what I had seen firsthand.
We start toward her house, and I am quietly sneaking peeks at her as she drives.
“You know, Trevor, I appreciate you doing what you did tonight, but you don’t have to come home with me. I am fine.”
“I know.”
“Then why are you doing this?”
“I want to go to your place,” I tell her.
“Bullshit.” She snorts.
“I just wanted to spend some time with you. Is that so wrong?”
“Why?”
“I don’t know. Does there have to be a reason?” I ask.
“No, but you see me at the bar. I mean I’m not complaining. I—”
“Sounds like it,” I say frustrated.
“I just don’t want anyone to do anything out of obligation.”
“This is not out of obligation.”
“Okay.”
The strange thing is I don’t often start to feel things for people. For Ryann, I was … and tonight when I saw Jake, and then Sadie said who he was, I was frustrated and jealous. I didn’t want him around her because I didn’t know if he was still a threat. I hadn’t even told her I was interested, and I didn’t know if she was, but when I saw him talking to her, it bothered me. I had feelings for her even though I wasn’t ready to identify them yet. I don’t want a relationship per se, but I didn’t want some scumbag coming back from her past.
He clearly hurt her badly, and that pissed me off. She was too sweet, too true, and too beautiful to be treated badly. She had become my sunshine on my cloudy day even when I tried to keep her covered by my overcast.
After seeing him tonight, I was positive I had to at the very least tell her I liked her. Yes, I would make sure she knew that we would only be friends, but I had to attempt it, to be honest. She had to know I cared. After what happened since I’ve been back in Austin, regrets were something I was not going to let happen. I had committed enough for a lifetime.
Sitting in the car with her and listening to her hum along to the radio was peaceful, and I knew right then I needed to get to know her even more. She was a good person, and I only wished some of that would
rub off on me. Maybe her wholeness would repair some of my pieces.
***
“This is your home?” I ask her and look in front of me like I am missing something.
“Yes.” She smiles ear to ear.
“You live in a trailer?”
“Got a problem with it?” she asks me, and I can see she is ready to debate about it.
“No. I just have never …” I say.
“Never what? Been in a mobile home?” she questions.
“Okay, you could say that,” I answer.
She laughs and gets out of her car slamming her door twice since it was resisting closure.
I follow Ryann to the front door of her home and look side to side taking in the surroundings.
Maxwell often talks about how Sadie likes to “stretch the truth,” but she most definitely was not exaggerating her description of Ry’s house. It is indeed a cracker box. The single-wide trailer has bricks laid all around it for a foundation feel, and it is painted a dark gray color. Every single detail looks like Ryann did it. She had several stick flamingos, and you couldn’t help but smile when you visualized them. Every detail was Ryann. It wasn’t trashy by definition, just not what I expected for her to live in. Cracker box, yes. She had flowers planted along the side of a walkway, lush green grass that looked better than many of the houses I have seen in high-end neighborhoods, and two wind chimes lightly dinging. I laughed when I got to her front door and saw her doormat. “If you have no wine, go away.” Only Ryann could get away with that.
She opens the door and lays her purse down on the designated table. The smell in her home was of a light floral with a touch of fresh fruit, making it sweet and inviting. Very feminine. “Y’all come on in.” She walks over to her fridge and takes out a few things placing them on her rustic kitchen table for display.
“You hungry?” She asks while we are studying her and the goods that look to die for.
“I just baked these earlier, and I thought we could finish them up so I can start on something new.”
Sadie questions. “Blueberry muffins, lemon bars, and banana nut bread?”
“Yep.” She smiles with pride.
“Are you still—” Sadie asks Ryann.
“We are not talking about this right now,” she mutters giving her a reprimanding look.
Maxwell speaks up. “Let’s talk …” he says, acting as if he was a part of this conversation.
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