Sadie starts in as we sit around the table without Ryann’s approval. “Her ex … the chump that was at Smith’s earlier. They met in college. He was a fucker on sooo many levels … but … he told her she was getting fat.”
Ryann rolls her eyes. “Okay, everyone knows now, thanks. So can we move on?”
I don’t say anything after I glance at Maxwell. We both know you never say that to a woman. Her ex sounds like a real asshole.
Ryann cuts the slices of dessert and serves it. She doesn’t say a word, watching as we take a bite.
“This is really good,” I say. And I mean it.
“Damn good,” Maxwell seconds.
“We need milk,” Sadie says, and she gets up to help herself.
Ryann gets up and goes to her living room to turn on the TV, herself not eating any of her desserts.
We all join her on the couch and chair watching TV. I secure my spot next to Ry. I put my arm around her, and it feels so natural. I was man enough to admit it was often the little things I missed so much. Yes, I missed the regular sex, but I also missed the everyday things. I kept looking over at her, watching her face and the way she blinked. Her eyelashes met her eyebrows like a cartoon character. No doubt about it, she was beautiful.
Maxwell stands up, interrupting my gawking to announce we would leave after he went to the restroom. I nod my head agreeing.
“Ryann, can you come out so we can talk for a minute before I leave?”
“Sure.”
*****
Ryann
“Come sit over here.” I lead Trevor to the bench I had strategically placed so I could see my favorite flowers. I was getting tired and trying to cover up my yawns. I loved having his arm around me on the couch, though, being in his nook. But when he asked if I could talk, I suddenly became wide awake.
“Thanks for coming home with me. It was really nice of you,” I tell him, and I mean it. It was really sweet. I’m not going to lie, though, I wished he was coming over to stay the night and not getting ready to leave. I like him here. I like Trevor James anywhere around me.
“You bet. Don’t mention it.”
“You like my home?”
He laughs. “It’s you.”
It is my turn to laugh. “I love it. It’s mine, so it means even more to me.”
“Good for you,” he responds.
“Thanks.”
“About earlier, what I told you at the bar. I do want to get to know you, Ryann. I just want to lay out some things first.”
“You mean rules?”
“Hell no, this isn’t Dating 101. And if it was … you wouldn’t want me setting the rules.”
“Whew.” I run my hand over my forehead.
“I like you, Ryann. I just don’t want you to think it will go any further than just really good friends. I really appreciate all you do to help my parents, and I think you are a nice person. I know this seems odd but just me letting you in as a friend is huge. You are a lot of things, Ryann—beautiful, sweet, caring …”
“Okay … that is …”
“I’m not proud of what I am … I just can’t love anyone, and I won’t hurt you. I’ve been hurt, and I wouldn’t do that to my worst enemy.”
“So you are telling me this so if I start to have feelings for you, you can walk away with your conscience?”
“I am telling you this in as much as I am broken, Ryann. My heart is broken.”
“Give me a break, Trevor. I have heard some real good ones through the years but … saying you are broken?”
“I don’t act fucking broken, Ryann. I am broken.”
“That’s a shame,” I say.
“I mean it. I can’t love … It hurts too much … so I don’t.” He looks at me with such seriousness that I want to cry. I could feel the lumps in my throat forming, and I was speechless. I didn’t love the man, so it was hard for me to fathom, to grasp why I was so concerned.
I couldn’t think of a single word to say. He was confessing, being honest and truthful, and I had wished for the first time that a person wasn’t. Maybe honesty isn’t always the best policy. I didn’t love him now … I liked him … what I knew. But to say I couldn’t only made me want to. I don’t let anyone tell me what I can and can’t do.
I lean into him, putting my hands on his face, and bring him to me and kiss him. It wasn’t a passionate kiss or a kiss you could write home about, but I’ll be damned if I didn’t feel it in my toes. I pull back to see his reaction, and his eyes were still closed. I wasn’t sure if it was because he was trying to filter it all or if he wasn’t sure how to react.
“Sorry … I just … I needed to do that,” I tell him. Being beside him after this confession, I felt like I was sitting on a grade school bench. I wasn’t sure how my body was feeling, as if I had no control.
And then Trevor leaned in and kissed me. It was all Trevor. Maybe passion, maybe admiration, or maybe desire. I put my arms around his neck and held the position. It was a hungry kiss and the kind of kiss that you hope will lead to something more. I didn’t pull back, and neither did he, and the only thing you could hear were the crickets chirping in the country fields surrounding us.
When we both pulled back, I opened my eyes and saw Maxwell and Sadie standing there watching as if we were putting on a show for them.
“That was one hell of a kiss!” Sadie announced. “Maxwell, why you don’t kiss me like that?”
“Shut it, woman. You want me to show you a good kiss? Come here!” As he reached for her, she ran to the truck being playful. You could hear her shoes clicking on the rocks lining the walkway.
Trevor stands, and I follow. His back is to me, and I motion to Sadie yelling, “Are you going to say bye?”
She waves from the truck and blows me a kiss. She is in the passenger side of his truck, and Maxwell is standing beside the door.
I turn back to Trevor. “Well, you had better get going. Maybe sometime you can come out and watch the sunrise with me. It is a beautiful sight.”
“Yeah, I’d better. I see a beautiful sight right in front of me, though. Not sure that the sunrise can beat that,” Trevor responds and smiles genuinely. “See ya around?”
“I hope so,” I respond.
I watch as he gets into Maxwell’s truck and they drive away. I was beginning to miss him before he was out of my sight, miss someone I knew didn’t belong to me. And wouldn’t.
My heart has never been so heavy and light at the same time.
*****
Trevor
I slide into Max’s truck, still watching Ryann standing in her yard. My face hasn’t been in this position in a long time. I think it was a smile, but it was almost painful. Actually, that isn’t true. The last time I smiled like this was when I was in the presence of Ryann. She was the one who had put it there. I claimed I wanted nothing but friendship, but after tonight …
Maxwell interrupts my thoughts just as I thought he would. Frankly, I was shocked he waited until we got about a mile from her house.
“Sadie was right about her little house, wasn’t she?” he asks, and I reply with a yes in agreement. I had noticed the difference immediately that she is nothing like Leah. She is truly happy with what she has and is not searching for a meal ticket or an escape route in the least.
“I told y’all,” Sadie says.
“It actually isn’t so bad. Small but charming,” I respond.
“It’s Ry to the T. You will never hear her complain about anything … always on the North Pole happy with what she has.”
“Has she always been that way?” I ask.
“She has always had a positive attitude, but when Jake did what he did to her, that changed her for the good. Wish I had a little of her spirit in my veins,” Sadie explains sincerely.
“I saw the look she gave him, and of course, the slap … Does she still love him?”
“Ahhhh, that would be a hell no.”
“And …” I prompt, but she doesn’t answer, still debating wh
ether it was information she should be sharing.
Maxwell is encouraging. “Clearly, they like each other … even if they say they don’t. Feels a little like high school, doesn’t it?” He eyes me in the backseat and looks back at Sadie.
“So I like her? That doesn’t mean anything.” I smirk.
“It sure as shit does. I haven’t seen you interested like this in a woman since—”
“Can you just stop bringing up old times? It isn’t helping that you say this all the time,” I angrily say.
“Don’t get your panties in a wad, man. Shit,” Maxwell says.
“Sadie, please … I need to know …”
“Jake and Ryann met in college. She was going to go to school to be a vet. Of course, it was a long shot, but she wasn’t afraid of any challenge. She had just started her semester at UT when she met him. He swept her off her feet and then tore her down in a matter of months. He basically crushed her spirit in every way possible. And all along the way, he cheated on her. Having his cake and eating it too. Quite literally. Anyway, she finally caught on and threw his shit out of her trailer in the back of his truck when he came home one night. From what she said, she was angry, throwing what crap was left in her trailer straight into the truck, and then picking up his stuff off her lawn and throwing it at him. He started to bring his stuff back up to the trailer saying that this was just as much his, and he wasn’t leaving. And it wasn’t. But he tried to take and control everything she had. Anyway, she was able to successfully get him out of her life. She has sworn men off for years and has built her way up the ladder in her eyes. She is happy with her life and herself now.”
“So what was the story with the desserts? Not that I mind. My mom used to say a way to a man’s heart is his stomach.”
Maxwell snorted. “A way to man’s heart is his dick.”
“Shut up, Max.” Sadie chuckles.
“She is a damn good baker,” she answers.
“He told her she was fat. And she wasn’t. He just took all of her insecurities and stomped on them and smiled as he did it. The things he said to her are things that take a very long time to get over. But she did with the exception of the whole baking thing. Half the time, she doesn’t even eat what she bakes but brings it to the bar or to her mother at the hotel to hand out. It is just her way of working through the words that cut. Jake was the only guy who she had really let in and always cautious of the male population since she grew up fatherless. She dated off and on in high school but nothing serious. Ryann had her eye on the goal, which was college. And then she met him.”
“So does she still want to be a vet? And what is stopping her?”
“Not anymore. She is satisfied with what her life is. She loves it. She thinks that the work she does at the stables is just as important, nurturing those monster animals. I myself don’t care for horses.” She pauses and smiles. “Ry is one of a kind and my very best friend. I have never met anyone else like her. She is this big shining light that can make anyone stop and be thankful.”
“Yeah, even when they don’t wanna be.”
“Exactly,” Sadie agrees.
Maxwell questions, “I don’t want to piss in your Cheerios, man, but what happened to this broken, feel-sorry-for-me mantra? Has this changed?”
“No,” I answer rapidly. “And I told Ryann that I liked her, but I wouldn’t be more than her friend.”
“Does she know why?” Maxwell asks as if Sadie wasn’t in the truck.
“Does she need to?”
Sadie’s voice gets loud. “If you seriously are asking that, then I need to slap you just like she did Jake tonight. Of course, she needs to know.”
“We are just now talking. Why does she need to …?”
“Cause that is Ryann. I just finished telling you that she is special. Not special like people say all the time. She really is. And for all that is mighty, if you fuck her over, the last thing you will have to worry about is Maxwell. I will cut your ass up and serve you on a platter.”
“Damn, Sadie. Guard dog?” I respond, knowing she truly was not kidding. “Can we just see how things go? It might not amount to anything.”
“You really turned me on getting all worked up like that, baby,” Maxwell smartasses.
“Shut up, dumbass. And besides, how do you know she wouldn’t hurt me?” I comment and question at the same time.
“That shows how little you know about Ryann. She hasn’t let any guy in, yet she brought you to her house, and she kissed you?! Does she look like the type of girl who lets that happen? And second, she has never hurt a person in her life …”
“I get it, all right,” I respond. And I did but how can I promise her something more when I don’t think I am capable of it. How do you love someone when you don’t have a heart? But then, could I keep my promise and guarantee nothing more than friendship?
Throughout the years, I have proven to myself not loving is the easiest and safest way to go, but that isn’t always how it works out. And Ryann Payne was slowly proving that. The feeling in my chest was a feeling I hadn’t felt in a very long time. It startled me, and I’ll be damned if it wasn’t a beat.
Nine
One week later
Ryann
Living in the Austin area has always been where I wanted to be. The thought had never crossed my mind to leave for many reasons. One reason was the outside way of life. I loved to get out and run around the city and take in the sites. Austin had many outdoor treasures with Town Lake being one of them.
It’s been a while since Sadie and I met at Town Lake. I try to go a couple of times a week and run, but lately, that hasn’t happened. Sadie lives right off it, but our schedules don’t frequently match up. Sadie prefers to be on the water and I on the land.
I had been putting in more time with Jackie since the James’ needed more help. Their other hired hands were doing all they could around the land, but there wasn’t enough time.
Today, finally, we were able to make it work, and I couldn’t be more thrilled. I loved to be outdoors and breathe in the air. You know, be one with your surroundings. I put in my earbuds, sing along, and take off, getting lost in my thoughts. I may or may not sing along, pretending to know the words, which drives Sadie crazy. She says I get looks, but I have never noticed or cared. You can’t rain on my parade.
She agreed to run three miles with me if I agreed to paddleboard with her. She had two but rarely used them. This fitness fad grew in our area, and she jumped right on it. I had been with her a few times but preferred to be on land just as it usually was with us. She was the exact opposite. She could get out there without being an expert and do yoga and outrace me without any effort. Her condo was right off the water, so it was easy for us to carry them down to the water. I don’t know how she liked city living, but unlike myself, she loved it. She liked to be able to walk to everything and especially the nightlife. Another pro was her office was less than ten minutes away. She was ever the “businesswoman” and damn good at it. She had been selling real estate in the Austin and surrounding areas and making a great living with it. She was able to close the deals with little effort.
It took very little time for us to get our run in, and we decided to hit the water. I had brought my bikini top but covered my bikini bottoms with my workout shorts. I did not intend to get wet, but I wanted to get some sun on my shoulders.
Just like last time, I got right up, and we moved down the lake in a steady rhythm talking back and forth about the little things in life. Spans of complete silence exist while of each of us takes in our surroundings.
“I’m just going to put this out there, and hopefully, you won’t get mad.”
Oh, good God. I wait to hear what she is going to say. I had known Sadie long enough to know the chances of me getting pissed were high. Her mouth was a motor, and she rarely used the common sense of what should and should not be shared and said.
Truth be told, that was some of the reason why I loved her. I too spoke my mind.
“The other night when we left your home, Trevor asked about why you were the way you were—the story with douchebag himself and the dessert issue.”
“Please tell me you didn’t tell him everything.”
“I had to. And honestly, after I saw y’all kiss, I figured he needed to know. Look, no one is proud of their past. It is what it is, and we can’t do anything to change it. And aren’t you the one who told me that the past is what makes us who we are and we should be proud of it? That we made it through it?”
“I believe I did speak those words.” Damn it.
“Yes, you did.”
“And what did he say? I hope he didn’t pity me. You know how I feel about pity.”
“He actually seemed intrigued. Like he was more infatuated with you.”
“Is that so?”
“But I also should tell you—”
“God forbid. Seriously? What in the hell did you not talk about? Did you tell him my birth weight?”
“Umm … I kind of threatened him.”
I laugh. “And how did you do that?”
“I told him I would cut him up and serve him.” She smiles, and I return one.
“Love you, girl.” I go to fist bump her, thanking her, and forgot what I was doing. The paddleboard shook from left to right, and no matter how hard I tried to balance, I wasn’t stopping it from flipping over. I landed in the water, and to my surprise, I welcomed it.
“You crazy ass lady. You have to keep focused on balance. How many times have we talked about this?? It is all about balance.”
I dip my head back into the water and then move closer to her board before jumping back on mine, wiggling it and trying to get her to tumble over as well to no avail. Damn her.
“Get back on so we can head over to under the bridge. Let’s go see what the new graffiti is this time. Last time, it was of Matthew McConaughey. Hopefully, it is still there.”
“All right, all right, all right,” I say in my most masculine voice, and we both laugh.
“Seriously, Sadie. Thank you.”
“Think nothing of it. I love you. Do I need to tell you again how much I love you?”
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