Merciless Ride

by Chelsea Camaron

  “Well, Doll and Tripp, that’s different.” Doll is the exception to every rule in my mind.

  “And we aren’t different? Cuz, baby, you aren’t fuckin’ me, and you’re my ol’ lady, and I’m not fuckin’ anyone else.”

  “Shooter, we aren’t in a real relationship. This is just temporary.”

  “Baby, this is for as long as it lasts, whatever may come, whatever may happen. I will share with you what I can, but beyond that, I can’t. You can ask me questions, though I can’t promise I will always answer them. You are right in that you are a representation of the Hellions and of me. You have rights, freedoms, and you have an opinion, one that means something to me. I won’t fuck around on you. I won’t disrespect you.”

  “Do you wanna fuck me?” I ask with trepidation evident in my voice.

  Do I really want to know the answer to that question? I am still a woman, and one day I hope to move past what has happened to me. However, the thought of having sex terrifies me; there is no way I am anywhere near ready right now.

  “Baby, I don’t think you are ready to go there, even in conversation,” Shooter responds, taking away my worries over him answering.

  “I don’t know what we’re doing here,” I state honestly. “Hell, I don’t know what I’m doing with myself, much less adding you to the mix.”

  “I don’t know what we’re doing, either. So we’ll figure it out together. First, you need to understand it’s for the best if I stay here with you.”

  “No!” No way, no how. He cannot stay here. I am living on a prayer at the moment that I can nonchalantly hurry this conversation along to get Shooter gone long before Axel wakes up.

  “Not negotiable. Second, you are my woman, for now. No disrespect to you will be given and none of the bullshit will be taken should you try to pull some. I’ve never seen you once act out with Rex, but I don’t know what went on behind closed doors, either. I’m warning you once, I don’t tolerate the dramatics. I’m an adult, you’re an adult, and we treat each other like damn adults.”

  “Stop. This isn’t happening,” I try to interrupt him.

  “Already happened baby. Look Tessie, I don’t know you that well yet, and you don’t know me. But we are in this situation together, so let’s sort some shit early.”

  I nod silently just wanting to get this over with as he continues.

  “Something about me you need to know. I have a very low tolerance for repeating myself. I’m done telling you what this is. I’m done telling you about the arrangements. You’re my ol’ lady, and I’m your man for as long as it lasts. I’m moving in. We’ll both have to adjust to being so independent and now being together, but we will. We have to.”

  “Shooter, did you know all this when you claimed me?” For a second, I really want to know more about how this man’s head ticks.

  The pitter patter of little feet down the hall shakes me back into the moment. My world is crashing down around me as every second passes and every step that brings my son closer to my room.

  Shit! No fucking way. The little boy walking over to the bed is the spitting image of Rex. From the dirty blonde hair to his eyes to the strong jaw line and even the way the little guy carries himself, this is Rex’s son.

  Tessie tenses beside me, dropping her hand to my waist and her head to my chest as if she is holding me in place and hiding her face from me at the same time. With her palm clammy against my abdominal muscles, I flex involuntarily as my pulse races and my thoughts run together. The whole time, Tessie shudders on top of me, yet remains silently in place.

  The mini Crews glares at me in defense of his mother as he approaches my side of the bed. He is in no way backing down from me or what he obviously considers his place.

  Temper, temper, little shithead.

  “What the hell, Tessie?” I question, unable to form any other words.

  “Momma says hell is a bad word; you shouldn’t say it,” the little fucker chastises.

  “Axel, you need to go eat breakfast. Something easy, baby. We’re running late,” Tessie instructs her son.

  “Be nice to my momma,” Axel declares before leaving the room.

  Is my anger that apparent? At least one of the Crews men is willing to step up, no matter the fight ahead for their woman.

  Rex, the motherfucker, sure ain’t nice to your momma, boy.

  “Shooter,” Tessie whispers beside me.

  “You have some explaining to do—” Interrupting, she pushes off me, trying to get away from me and this conversation.

  When I reach out and grab her arm, squeezing gently she stills, yet doesn’t flinch or pull away. I am pissed, yes, but I would never hurt her.

  She turns her head to meet my stare, her eyes filling with unshed tears.

  “Like right fuckin’ now, Tessie. I need to know.”

  Sighing, she says, “Stay put. Let me get him to school, then I promise to talk to you when I get back.”

  “Negative. We will take Axel to school. When we come home, you will tell me everything. But, most importantly, you will tell me the truth, the whole truth.”

  Tessie tucks her hair behind her ears, her nervous habit. She does it when the guys at the bar hit on her and she is uncomfortable. It is something I have noticed and found attractive about her in the past. In this moment, it makes me on edge.

  Please, Tessie, be honest with me. I can’t handle being lied to, not when I have put so much on the line for you.

  For a brief moment, anger and sadness flash across her features before she tucks the emotions away in true Tessie fashion. The slight blink of her eyes gives her away, although only for a moment. Anyone who isn’t around Tessie regularly would probably look at her right now and say she is extremely strong and handling this well. However, I can see beyond the strong face, the hidden emotions, and into the shattered soul of the woman before me.

  “Shooter, I need to get Axel to school without him questioning more of his life than he already is right now. He knows something is going on with me - more than I don’t feel good. He knows we moved out of our trailer to move home with his Gigi. He’s had enough on his plate for the last few months, so don’t add to it in front of my son. When we get home, I will talk with you about him and answer the questions I see written all over your face.”

  “With complete, candid honesty?”

  “Look, I know you don’t have to help me. I appreciate everything you’ve done, really. Let’s get one thing straight right now, though,” she begins without raising her voice, but rather taking a sharp tone with me that reminds me of my own mother when I would get in trouble as a child. “Axel is my number one priority. I don’t give a shit what you think of me, what your club thinks of me, or what anyone thinks of me. That boy is mine. He’s been mine and only mine since the day he was conceived. I will answer anything you ask, openly and honestly, as long as you remember not to cross the line of my son’s well-being. I may not have made all the right decisions, but I’ve done the best I could with the circumstances.”

  “Never said you didn’t, Tessie.”

  “No, but I see the judgment written all over your face.”

  “Point taken. We will talk when we get home.” Raising my hands in defeat, I decide to be her friend in this moment until I know what is going on here.

  Aware she needs space from me, I get up from the bed and make my way out to the living room where I dropped my duffel bag the night before.

  I have hundreds of questions running through my mind. Tessie is a good mom, no one would question that. Why is she so defensive? Why isn’t Rex around? Does he even know?

  Rage builds inside me. Did that piece of shit motherfucker turn his back on them? I know he is a selfish prick, but certainly he wouldn’t abandon his own kid. He wouldn’t leave them to struggle financially while he is doing okay for himself, would he? I want to beat the shit out of my brother in this very moment. Even if he doesn’t know—fuck that… how can he not know? They have been fucking for years. I know h
e has been to Tessie’s house.

  Inhaling deeply, I blow out my breath harshly in an attempt to calm myself. How can Tessie allow such disrespect? What makes Rex being around without being a dad okay in her book?

  The feel of little eyes watching me has me turning around after pulling my shirt over my head. Axel is staring at me with a firm face for a six- or seven-year-old, little boy.

  “Why are you here, Mister?” he boldly questions me.

  Damn, the kid’s got balls of steel.

  “I’m a friend of your mom’s.”

  “Momma don’t have friends. She don’t need friends. She’s got me and Gigi. That’s all she needs. You can leave and don’t look back.” Without waiting for me to reply, he turns and walks out of the living room.

  I make my way to the bathroom to change my pants and wash up before taking the little hellion to school. When he comes around the corner with his blonde locks hidden under a baseball hat, I realize how Tessie has gotten him past the brothers we have had watching her.

  The car ride is made in silence. While I wait for Tessie to return from signing Axel in, I try to get my emotions in check. Ultimately, this isn’t my business, or it wasn’t my business. Dammit, the lines are completely blurred with her. The longer she takes, the more I start looking around the building for exit points. Certainly she wouldn’t run from me over this, right?

  Just as I am about to get out of the car to go search for her, she climbs in the passenger seat of the Challenger.

  “Sorry. He was late, so I had to sign him in at the actual office and explain his tardy.”

  “What the fuck is there to explain? You’re his damn mom and you brought him to school. It ain’t nobody’s business why he’s late,” I say as my agitation grows once again.

  “School policy,” Tessie replies calmly.

  Rather than start what I know will be an intense conversation in the car, I take Tessie back to my house. Pulling up, her surprise at our destination is evident.

  “Why are we here?” she asks as I unlock the front door and let us in.

  “I need to get shit for your house, and we need to talk, but I don’t want your mom to overhear. She worries about you, you know?”

  Anger flashes in her face before she pushes it back down. “Don’t you get all righteous on me like you know about my life! Yes, Shooter, I am well fuckin’ aware of my mom and her worries.”

  “Sit your ass down on the couch. Let me get my shit together, and then we’re gonna talk like grown ass adults, not this bickering bullshit you’re aimin’ for.”

  After throwing some clothes in a bag, I gather my deodorant and shaving kit before making my way back to the woman waiting on my couch like Doomsday has arrived. How are we going to get our shit sorted if she feels defensive every time we talk? I need to stop being such a hardass and hear her out. Then, after I sort my shit with her, I need to sort Rex’s shit for him.

  Man up, fucker, you have a son.

  Hits Keep On Coming

  I knew this day would come. I didn’t know it would come like this. The truth will set you free. Again, one of those things people say all the damn time. The truth will not set me free here. Nope, the truth here will tie me to Rex permanently.

  Shooter settles on the other end of the couch and stretches his left arm over the back as he relaxes into his space. “Talk.”

  “I don’t think I have to say it. One look at my son and you know the truth.”

  “Oh, no, baby, you need to say it. Not just for me to hear it, but I think you haven’t faced it for yourself. I’m tryin’ real hard here, Tessie, to keep an open mind. Take me back and tell me the whole story.”

  “Shooter, have you ever believed in something so much you couldn’t see it any other way until it was too late?”

  “Yeah, I made that mistake once. It cost me everything.”

  His honesty shocks me. I expected a simple yes, not that he has lost in his past.

  “Rex was everything I thought I wanted. Only, well… only he wasn’t. I’m white trailer trash from a broken home. Rex is the bad boy. Yeah, I watched him around here and there while I was going to high school. He was sexy in that wild, reckless way. I came from nothing and had no real future. As soon as I was legal, I sought out Rex. He had flirted with me here and there, nothing serious, but I was young and stupid. I didn’t realize Rex flirted with anyone who had a pussy. I thought he wanted me, so I threw myself at him at first, but he denied me.”

  “Rex denied you?” Shooter can’t believe me. Hell, if I hadn’t been the one on the receiving end of the rejection, I wouldn’t believe it either.

  “Well, that made me want him even more. Before I left for college, I practically begged him to take my V-card. Looking back, I was pathetic. It wasn’t great, but I had heard girls talk and no one had a good first time.”

  Shooter looks at me wide-eyed yet says nothing.

  “Well, I wanted to make it memorable. So when I would come home from college, I would hook up with Rex. The first time may not have been good, but I wanted to make sure when I looked back on the man I gave my virginity to that I could at least say it got better. I kept coming back for more waiting for it to get better. Well, the sex did get better, but the situation between Rex and I never changed.”

  I feel my face flush in embarrassment as I realize I am talking about my sex life with the sexiest man I have ever encountered. Sure, Rex is hot. Rex is sin walking, talking, and fucking. However, Shooter is stealth. Shooter is the man in the shadows. He is the mystery that keeps you needing more.

  He nods at me to continue.

  “I was trying to be smart, you know. I went to the campus clinic. I was on the depo shot for birth control. Well, I had midterms and missed getting my shot. Then I came home for spring break, not thinking about it. Just like always in those two years since I first fucked him, Rex and I hooked up while I was home.”

  “Have you ever been with anyone but Rex?” Shooter questions then shifts in his seat. “Never mind, don’t answer that. It’s not my business. Continue.”

  “I finished that semester and came home for summer vacation, but my period didn’t come, which didn’t shock me after being on the shot for so long. Then, I started getting sick to my stomach. My mom swears she saw a difference in my face. Either way, she point blank asked me one day mid-summer if I was pregnant. She had seen me coming and going with Rex. When she asked, it made my brain go, wait a second…” I pause to gage Shooter’s reaction, but he is unreadable. Does he think I am stupid?

  He raises an eyebrow for me to continue.

  “Well, I was knocked up. I tried to talk to Rex. Thing is, Rex and I never did much talking, and he wasn’t ready to start then, either. He thought I was going back to college, so I let him believe I returned when I didn’t. I stayed home, only going out for doctor’s appointments. I didn’t show until the very end of my pregnancy, and even then, I wasn’t big. Keeping it quiet wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be. Rex never came looking for me. I realized I always came home and sought him out. After I had Axel, no one really asked me any questions, so I didn’t have to answer anything.”

  “Rex knows now. He’s talked about your son. How did he find out?”

  “Kids aren’t cheap. I needed a job. Having no real education to fall on, I went to Ruthless and got a job from Bob. When Rex came in the bar and saw me, I tried to resist him at first. I told him I have a baby at home now. Then he told me all the things I wanted to hear. A quick fuck in the stockroom…”

  The stockroom. My breath hitches, pulse racing, the panic rising. I can’t breathe. My chest hurts. The room spins.

  “Inhale, baby,” Shooter’s voice breaks through my thoughts. Sliding over the couch, he wraps his arms gently around me, pulling me to him. “Exhale. Tessie, you’re safe. Inhale. I got you. Exhale. You’re with me.” His voice soothes something inside me as I follow his command. “Inhale. Stay in the moment here with me, baby. Exhale.”

  I blow out a breath a
s my body and my mind settle. I will get past this. I am stronger than what has happened to me. The stockroom isn’t the problem. Shep, he is the problem. He can’t get to me. Shooter has me. I feel his arms tighten around me as I calm down once again.

  “You okay?” he asks in genuine concern.

  “Yeah, I’m getting there. Anyhow,” I add needing to continue, “Rex said the right things, and we fell into a weird routine of hooking up whenever he was home and didn’t have some barfly on his dick. He’s never asked about Axel other than common casualties.” I tuck my hair behind my ears while I work to calm my nerves.

  Pulling out of Shooter’s embrace, I sit back against the arm of the couch while he consumes the middle and into part of my cushion.

  “Why haven’t you told him?”

  “Rex doesn’t want to be a dad.”

  “You didn’t give him a chance. How do you know he doesn’t want to be a dad? Is it the club, the lifestyle?”

  “Yes, no… It’s more Rex, not the club. I don’t want to hold Rex back. He’s not ready to be a dad. For a long time, I told myself I was waiting for him to settle down. I just knew he would pick me, and we would have this happy family. He just needed time and freedom to be wild. In time, I grew tired of it, tired of waiting. Sure, I know I’m the only one he comes back to, but Rex doesn’t make sure I’m okay. Sure, he makes sure I get off, but beyond that, he doesn’t check on me. If he cares so little for me, would he really do more for my boy? For a son he never asked for?

  “Rex is not a selfless man. He’s not going to give up his life for me and Axel. It wouldn’t be fair of me to ask him, either. Time passed, and it was easier to let go of Rex and not worry about telling him. One day, I know I will have to, but I was waiting on Rex to grow up, and for it not to be me forcing him.”

  “Fuck, Tessie. You’ve kept the man’s son from him. Whether Rex was ready or not, it wasn’t for you to decide. He’s the boy’s father and has a right to know.” Shooter does nothing to hold back his irritation with me.

  “I know it’s a lot to ask, but please don’t tell him, not just yet. I promise to tell him, but let me find my way to do it.”