It sounded stupid, even to him. John understood this woman had already had ten months to find him if she really loved him, but what if there really was some reason she couldn’t? What if she was looking for him at that moment? Could he really brush her away? In those memories, in those few brief moments John was captured in a memory of her, he would rather die than give her up. She was lost in his memories, but not in his heart.
Somewhere in the back of John’s mind, he feared he would have to make the choice. The more often the memories came, the harder it was to say what he would do. He wanted nothing more than to shove it away and lose himself in Gretchen’s luscious body, but what if in the end he was forced to leave her?
It wasn’t just the sex. As many methods as there were to avoid pregnancy, none were foolproof. At some point in the future, John wanted to have a child with Gretchen. What he didn’t want was to have it happen before they were ready, before he could be absolutely sure nothing could pull him away from Gretchen. The memory that had tried to surface after he proposed had rattled him. If he had proposed to the memory woman, did that mean they’d gotten married? Anything could have happened afterward, divorce, death…a loving marriage that would still be legal should she find him.
John doubted the woman would show up before the wedding. When the memories first started, he’d hated her for loving him and never finding him, but as they grew more frequent and he felt her devotion to him in the memories, it became harder to believe she had never tried. For some reason, she didn’t know where John was, but that didn’t mean she would never find him. The chance was remote. But it was there, and it wouldn’t leave John free to do as he wanted.
Chapter Forty-Three
Soon Enough
“Do you really have to meet with the Frederickson’s today?” Gretchen asked. “It’s Sunday and we just got engaged.”
“I’m sorry, Gretchen. I was supposed to meet with them Friday afternoon, but the prep for the birthday party took longer than I expected and the Frederickson’s company dinner is this Friday. I have to get their menu set today or I’ll never be ready in time,” John said. “I promise to make it up to you tonight. I have some veal cutlets in the fridge I’m going to make for you.”
He gathered up his notebooks and planner as he tried to get his coat on with only one hand. Halfway into his coat, he leaned down and kissed Gretchen’s forehead. “Besides, aren’t you and Desi going to get together and start planning today?”
Gretchen tried to maintain her pout, but she was itching to get started on the wedding plans. “She called when you were in the shower. She’s going to pick me up for lunch.”
“Well, I’ll probably be back by the time you two finish, and then we can do something together, okay?” John asked. “You can just relax this morning. You deserve it with all the extra work you’ve been doing lately.”
There was something else Gretchen needed to do this morning, but she was dreading it.
“Actually, I was thinking about visiting Carl this morning,” she said.
John frowned at the mention of Carl. They were getting along better, but John still preferred to not have him around. “Why do you need to visit Carl?” he asked.
“I need to tell him about this,” she said, holding up her newly decorated ring finger.
The head shaking started before she even got halfway through her sentence. “No, Gretchen. We can tell him together. I don’t want you going over there by yourself.”
Gretchen scoffed at that. “You think he would do something to hurt me? John, you know Carl better than that. I know you don’t like him that much, but he’s a good guy.”
“I don’t think he’ll hurt you,” John said. “I just don’t think he’ll take it very well. I’d rather tell him together.”
“And when are we going to do that? We’ve both been so busy lately. If I don’t talk to him today he’ll hear about it from someone else,” she said.
“And what’s so bad about that?” John asked with a smile. He’d probably prefer avoiding the encounter all together.
Gretchen’s smirk back said what she thought about that idea. “He’s my friend, John. I don’t want him to hear from someone else and think I was trying to hide it from him. That is what he won’t take well.”
“You getting married is what he won’t take well, whether he hears it from you or someone else.” Grabbing a bagel to eat on his way, John pointed the bread at her to accentuate his point.
“When was the last time Carl bugged me about you?” she asked. John didn’t answer. He knew Carl hadn’t tried to interfere since summer. “He’ll be fine. I’m going to tell him.”
John’s frown remained, but it was waning. “Fine, but it he freaks out, just leave and call me. I’ll talk to him later if I have to.”
Rolling he eyes, she gave him a shove toward the door. “Would you just get out of here before the Frederickson’s think you’ve cancelled on them again? Everything will be fine,” she said.
He hesitated, but he was already running late. Finally, he gave her a quick kiss and darted out the door. Gretchen heard the car drive off and found herself still sitting at the table. Despite her assurances to John, she was nervous about telling Carl. She had no fear he would flip out or hurt her, but he would definitely be upset. Gretchen had to tell him.
Taking the time to clear the table of her cereal bowl and load the dishwasher, she quickly found herself out of things to clean. She straightened up the living room to waste a few more minutes, and then before she could change her mind, she grabbed her coat and hurried across the front yard to Carl’s house.
Gretchen’s knock sounded as nervous as she did. Carl yelled something at the TV before she heard him get up and head to the door. He pulled the door open and smiled.
“So who’s losing this time?” Gretchen asked.
“Oh, it doesn’t matter,” he said as he pressed her into a hug. He didn’t have to sneak those anymore. Ever since that day in the front yard when Gretchen asked him not to abandon her, she didn’t feel she had the authority to tell him no. His embrace lasted a touch too long as usual, but he pulled back and ushered Gretchen into his house.
“So, how have you been?” he asked. “I keep seeing you and John rushing in and out, but I haven’t gotten to talk to either of you in a while.”
Gretchen knew he felt the same way as John did. He would rather avoid John if at all possible, but she appreciated the effort to include John as a friend. “I’m doing fine. How about you?”
Carl shrugged. “Same as always, I guess.”
“Good,” Gretchen said. How exactly was she supposed to tell him? Just blurt it out? Any method she thought of seemed like the worst possible one. Why hadn’t she listened to John?
“So, did you just feel lonely without your personal chef hanging around?” Carl asked. He was always so blunt. Gretchen loved that about him.
“Actually, I came over to tell you something,” she said, trying to sound as casual and happy as possible.
Carl’s hand froze in the middle of reaching for his glass. He brought his hand back without ever touching it. Gretchen’s breathing sped up. She couldn’t do it. She should have listened to John. Telling Carl was only going to break his heart.
But if his heart was going to get broken, Gretchen knew it had to be done by her, and not by some casual acquaintance. Carl deserved better than that. He just sat in his chair staring at the TV without really seeing it. Waiting.
“John and I are getting married,” she said quietly.
Letting out a breath he must have been holding, Carl slumped a little in his chair. It was hard to tell with how much he was slouching in his chair to start with, but Gretchen had sat next to him watching too many random games not to notice it. She wanted to run away and hide from his hurt, but she forced herself to face it.
“Congratulations,” Carl said quietly. He still sat there without meeting her gaze.
“Carl,” she asked, “are you okay?”
He nodded, but remained quiet. The silence was heartbreaking. This wasn't a side of Carl she had ever wanted to see. Laughing and joking no matter what, was who he was. Had Gretchen stolen that from him? John once told her Carl was in love with her, but she hadn’t believed him. Now she was starting to doubt herself. Could I have really been that oblivious?
“Carl,” she started, but she didn’t know what else to say.
Standing up, Carl left his recliner behind and sat next to Gretchen on the couch. “You know,” he said, “I thought I would hate John when this day finally came, but I don’t. I just envy him.” He dropped his head into his hands and sighed.
Gretchen could feel tears welling in her eyes and she wasn't sure she could contain them. “I’m sorry, Carl,” she whispered.
Carl looked at her with a pained smile. “You don’t have to be sorry, Gretchen. You love him. You love who you love, there’s no apologizing for it. It just happens. I know that better than anyone, I suppose.” Touching her cheek, Gretchen leaned against his hand and brought her own up to his.
Carl’s hand trembled against her skin, belying his calm words and showing how much he was hurting. Losing control of her tears, Gretchen felt them slide down her cheeks and connect with Carl’s fingers, sweeping back and forth as he wiped them away.
“I love you, Gretchen. I have for a long time,” Carl said. Gretchen started crying in force. John was right, and she’d never allowed herself to see it. How many times had she hugged Carl or let him put his arm around her as they watched a game together? He was always so happy and lighthearted, she told herself his stolen hugs were purely playful. That was how she wanted to see it, anyway.
“The thing that makes it so hard to take is that I think you did love me, Gretchen. You were just too scared to see it.” Sliding his hand from her cheek to the back of her neck, he brought his other hand up to match it. “Why couldn’t you give me the same chance you gave John?” he asked.
“I don’t know, Carl,” she whispered through her tears. “I wasn’t ready.”
He looked down at her ring, picking her hand up to put it between them. “This could have been us,” he said. “I know it could have been, if you had just given me a chance.”
“I’m so sorry,” she said. How could she have done this to him? He told her it was too hard to see her with John, but she begged him to stay. What had she done for him, but hurt him like he promised never to do to her? Gretchen selfishly had to have him in her life. Had she been kidding herself the whole time when it came to Carl?
“Tell me you never loved me at all,” Carl begged. “I need to hear you say you never loved me.”
“I…” It should have been easy to say. Gretchen had spent a year and a half telling herself he was just a friend, but as she stared into Carl’s desperate eyes she saw the times he held her in his arms, the hours he spent keeping her company those first few months when Gretchen had wanted to sit down and cry, the way he could make her feel better simply by being near her. Those were the reasons she couldn’t let him go.
Apparently, that was answer enough for Carl. Tilting her face up to his, he moved quickly, pulling Gretchen into a kiss that sent a shockwave through her entire body. All his pent up emotion rushed into her. She should have pulled away, but she couldn’t. The delusions she had been holding onto for so long finally cleared. Gretchen did love Carl. She just didn’t see it soon enough.
Slowly, Carl pulled back, leaning his head against Gretchen’s. “I know this doesn’t change your mind, but I couldn’t let you leave without showing you how I really felt. It’s selfish, I know, but I never would have forgiven myself if I hadn’t.”
She looked up at him and opened her mouth to say…something, but he stopped her.
“Please, don’t say anything, Gretchen. I don’t think I could bear it right now,” he said. He smiled then, though not nearly as bright as before. “Do me a favor, though. Don’t tell John about this. He’ll want to defend your honor or something like that, and I’d really hate to hurt him.”
Chapter Forty-Four
Timing
Desi’s car pulled up to the curb and Gretchen dashed out the front door to meet her. Desi was halfway out of her car when Gretchen plopped down in the passenger’s seat. Staring at her friend, Desi sat back down.
“You know, I would have rang the doorbell if you’d given me a chance,” Desi said.
“Just go, Des. I want to be out of the house before John gets back,” she said. Folding her arms across her chest, Gretchen sunk down into the seat. She had little doubt Carl was watching her. She didn’t know what to think about that.
“Okaaay,” Desi said as she pulled away from the house.
It wasn’t until they were out of Gretchen’s neighborhood and heading toward the restaurant that she finally relaxed. Still, Desi had sense enough to leave Gretchen be until they were seated at their table. Setting her planner to the side, Desi waited. Gretchen had no doubt Desi was dying to start their planning session. Desi loved weddings, but being a good friend was always more important to her than anything else. She took a sip of her water and waited.
“I kissed Carl,” Gretchen blurted out then punctuated it by dropping her head onto the table with a thud.
Desi choked on her water then set it down carefully. “You kissed Carl? Why would you do that?”
Lifting her head, Gretchen said, “Well, actually, I didn’t kiss Carl, he kissed me, but I let him.”
“Gretchen,” Desi said shaking her head, “start over. How did this happen?”
“I went over to tell Carl about the engagement,” she started.
“Alone? You should have gone with John.” Desi shook her head.
“I know. I see that now,” Gretchen said. Why hadn’t she listened to John? “Anyway, he wasn't very happy.”
“Apparently,” Desi said.
“He looked so sad. Then,” Gretchen paused, trying not to cry again, “then he told me he was in love with me and begged me to tell him that I never loved him.”
Desi blew out a breath. “And what did you tell him?”
Shaking her head, Gretchen mumbled, “Nothing. I couldn’t tell him I never loved him, because I think I did. I think I still do.”
“Oh, Gretchen, of course that poor man is in love with you. I think you were the only one who didn’t see that.” Desi sighed and took Gretchen’s hand. “But do you really think you love him, too? More than John?”
“I don’t know Desi. When he told me he loved me and kissed me, it was like I finally opened my eyes. I finally understood why I still needed him in my life even with John there, and why when he offered to back off I wouldn’t let him,” Gretchen said. She shook her head. She was so confused. “Did I ever tell you that…that Carl offered to leave me alone and I told him no?”
Desi shook her head. There was sad understanding in her eyes. Did she already see this, even when Gretchen couldn’t? Did John?
“I love him, but I love John too,” she said. “Not more or less, not even in different ways. I don’t know. It’s just different timing, I guess. I just wasn't ready to love anyone when I first met Carl. John gave that back to me.”
“What are you going to do?” Desi asked as she waved away a smiling waiter.
“About Carl?” Gretchen asked. She wished she knew. Taking away his pain was something she wanted to do very badly, but didn’t think there was any way to actually do it. “I don’t think there’s anything I can do. I’m marrying John. I hate that I hurt Carl, but there’s no way to fix it now.”
“I think Carl will understand that,” Desi said, “eventually.”
Was that good enough? Gretchen didn’t want him to just understand why she’d hurt him. She wanted him to forgive her. Maybe that was too much to ask.
“He didn’t ask me to choose him over John,” Gretchen said. “The only thing he asked me was why I didn’t give him the same chance I gave John. John was a huge risk. I didn’t know anything about him, but I was still willing to put e
verything on the line for him. I knew Carl. He was kind and sweet, and would do anything for me. I should have given him a chance.”
“But you didn’t,” Desi said. “And if you had, you never would have taken John in and you wouldn’t be getting married in two month and a half months.”
Married. Gretchen was getting married.
Her whole goal in not dating Carl had been to avoid hurting him. She hurt him anyway. In the end, all Gretchen could do was look back and decide whether it was worth it, and she knew it was. As sweet and kind as Carl was, John was the one who had been able to show her that loving was worth the risk of the pain it could cause. She’d needed John to show her how to open herself up again.
She wanted to marry John. Even knowing how much she had hurt Carl didn’t change that. Part of Gretchen loved Carl, and probably always would, but she had given the rest of her heart to John. She had no intention of taking it back.
“Desi, would you please not mention this to John? And not even Jake. I just want to put this behind me and hope Carl will forgive me one day,” she said.
“Of course, Gretchen. You don’t even have to ask,” Desi said.
The waiter approached the girls’ table again, his smile hesitant after being sent away by Desi the first time. Desi’s brilliant smile made up for Gretchen’s moping demeanor and gave him the courage to nod and step a little quicker. Politely taking their order, he then hurried back to the kitchen with their requests. As soon as he was gone, Desi pulled out her planner and faced Gretchen.
“Let’s forget about Carl for now and start planning your wedding.”
Clearing her mind, Gretchen refilled it with her wedding dreams. There was so much to go over, her dress, flowers, food, location, honeymoon, and a million other things Gretchen wasn't even considering probably. Luckily, Desi was there to help. She had helped Mel with her wedding, so Gretchen knew she was in good hands.
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