“Okay,” Desi said, “so I think the first thing we need to figure out is how to get John a real identity so you two can legally get married.”
“What?”
“Well, somehow I doubt the country clerk will give a marriage license to a ‘John Doe’. I’m pretty sure they’re going to want some documentation of who he is. We just have to figure out how to do that.” Desi flipped to another page in her planner and turned it so Gretchen could see. “I called my dad and asked him about it since he deals with immigration law at his law office and he said he’d look into it and call me back when he has a plan.”
Gretchen’s excitement about the engagement and dealing with Carl had completely forced out of her mind the problem she and John had been dealing with since day one. They didn’t know who he really was. He had no legal standing. Sighing, Gretchen tossed this newest problem on the heap of everything else she was struggling to work through at the moment.
“Thanks, Desi,” she said. “I hadn’t even thought about any of that yet.”
Smiling brightly, Desi flipped her planner closed. “Yeah, I didn’t think you had. But that’s what I’m here for. We’ll figure this out, Gretchen.”
Gretchen nodded her thanks as the waiter returned with their drinks. With the help of Desi’s father, she was sure they would get John’s lack of identity straightened out, but would it be in time for the date they had set? Pushing the wedding back would be disappointing. There other option was holding the ceremony without it being legal, which she wasn’t opposed to doing. As Gretchen took a drink of her soda, another thought came to her. What if this new push to get John an identity found, not a new one, but his original one?
Chapter Forty-Five
Biggest Fear
“Gretchen we only have six weeks left before the wedding and we still have a ton of stuff to plan,” Desi complained.
Gretchen sat on the floor next to her looking through swatches of fabric for the bride’s maids’ dresses. She had a stack of dress designs sitting beside the swatches that she hadn’t looked through yet, as well as choices for flowers, napkins, decorations, and a hundred other things. It seemed like every spare minute they’d had since getting engaged, which wasn't a lot of time, was spent planning the wedding. Well, Gretchen and Desi planned, Jake and John were left to run errands and generally leave them alone.
John was in charge of food for the reception, and it only took him about two days to lay out the menus. Until the wedding, he was pretty much done except for the occasional request for his opinion on something. John was fine with that, not because he didn’t want to participate in the wedding plans, but because he was afraid to.
“What do you think, John?” Gretchen asked. She held up the swatches and he had to force himself not to groan as he turned to look at them.
The array of five colors immediately sent his vision into a spiral of cloudiness, clearing only to reveal what looked like a large dressing room. The memory woman stood in front of him with another woman. The other woman stood in front of a set of mirrors in a willowy, strapless gown of lavender that had layer upon layer of sheer ruffles cascading down her body in a shapeless silhouette. The memory snapped closed.
Pursing his lips as if in serious consideration, John stared at the colors. Pale pink, ochre yellow, soft turquoise, royal blue, and lavender.
“Not the purple,” John said. “I don’t like that one at all.”
Gretchen frowned as she dropped the lavender and considered the other four.
Desi sighed. “Great, that still leaves four to choose from. We’re never going to get anywhere at this rate. Gretchen, we have to order the dresses by Monday if we want to get them back in time.”
“I want the yellow fabric,” Gretchen finally said. Then, moving on, she picked up the pattern choices and looked at each one carefully even though she had already spent hours staring at each design.
“Did you get those papers from my dad signed that I gave you?” Desi asked John suddenly.
“Yeah, I did. They’re on the kitchen table. I’ll go grab them for you before I forget,” John said. Signing documents was his other job in the whole scheme of planning the wedding. Desi’s father was patiently working toward turning John into a real person. He wasn’t sure everything would be worked out in time for the wedding, or that his ploy to use immigration laws to make John a real person was even going to work, but it was a step in the right direction.
Getting up from the couch, John paused and peeked over Gretchen’s shoulder at the dress patterns. Choosing the one that looked least like the woman wearing the lavender dress in the memory, he pointed at one. It’s fitted bodice, ruffled sleeves, and simple tea-length skirt was as opposite as you could get from the dress he had just seen. Plus, he knew it was Gretchen’s favorite, even if she couldn’t bring herself to decide on it. “I like that one,” he said.
Looking up at John, she smiled and kissed him. “Thanks.”
“Yes, thank you,” Desi said. “You’re the only one who seems to be able to make their mind up around here.” She smiled through her frustration, though. Desi was having fun.
Leaving them behind, John crossed the room to the kitchen. The documents were sitting on the table. He picked them up and stared at the words. “John Palmer”. That was how he’d signed them. Palmer was the last name John had chosen for his new identity.
He had considered at first simply taking Gretchen’s last name. Then she wouldn’t have to deal with changing her name after the wedding, when and if it became legal, but Gretchen thought John should choose a name of his own. She insisted he choose a name that meant something to him, but part of John laughed as he wondered if she only wanted him to choose something else so he wouldn’t be tempted to call her Gigi anymore. John almost chose a name that started with a “G” just for that reason.
Once he started looking into different last names and what they meant, he found himself oddly excited by the assignment. He avoided any of the names that ended with “son” or “sen” since those usually meant “son of…” because John didn’t want his new name to be a lie. Instead, he looked for names that described his life now. That search led him to Palmer.
It meant “a man on a pilgrimage”. When John saw that meaning, he felt a connection to the simple name. A pilgrimage to Holy Land was specifically what the name meant, but there were many kinds of pilgrimages, and John felt as though he had been on one since waking up. His wasn't a search for religion, but for his place in the world. Discovering his passion for cooking and his love for Gretchen helped show John who he was, but he still felt there was more to learn.
He only hoped the incessant memories weren’t part of that knowledge.
“This is going to be ten times worse when it’s mine and Desi’s turn, isn’t it?” Jake said as he slipped into the kitchen.
John’s eyebrows lifted in surprise. “Yours and Desi’s turn?” he asked. “Are you actually thinking about proposing?”
Cheeks coloring, Jake glanced back toward the living room. “I love her, man.”
“Jake the Maniac has been captured by the siren Desiree Campbell,” John said with a chuckle. “If anyone could get you to settle down, it would be Desi. She’s nearly as crazy as you are.”
Squaring his shoulders in a show of machismo, Jake said, “Who said anything about settling down? I don’t think anyone or anything could tame Desi’s love of adventure. I wouldn’t want to either.”
“You two are quite the pair,” John said. “When will you do it?”
He shrugged, but he already looked excited about the prospect. “Not until after you guys get married for sure. She’s too wrapped up in helping Gretchen plan to even notice me half the time. I want her to be able to just focus on us when I ask her.”
Nodding, John was genuinely pleased to know Jake and Desi were going to get married. The first time he’d met Jake, the guy had seemed a little immature and wild, but as John got to know him he realized how untrue that was. Yes, he was adve
nturous and daring, but John thought that just came from his enthusiasm for life, not recklessness. He loved Desi and would do anything to protect her. They would be really happy together.
“Well, tell me before you pick out a ring,” John said. “I know which one she wants. She showed me when she helped me pick out Gretchen’s.”
Laughing at his girlfriend’s foresight, he shook his head. “Why doesn’t that surprise me?” he said. “Desi seems to know what I’m thinking and feeling before I do.”
“She’s a very intuitive woman,” John said. Desi’s voice grew louder as she towed Gretchen behind her toward the kitchen. “And speaking of…”
Jake snapped around, probably hoping Desi hadn’t overheard them talking. Judging by the look of irritation on her face and the way Gretchen was rolling her eyes at her, neither of the women had been paying any attention to them.
“John,” Desi said, “we need you to choose.” She held up several sample cards of flower arrangements. “I think you two should go with either the white roses or the orchids. But Gretchen wants the peonies or the pink tiger lilies.”
At first glance, John liked the delicate look of the orchids and tiger lilies. Stepping closer to the cards, he was about to voice his opinion when they disappeared. John found himself standing in a ballroom burgeoning with flowers. He might have thought he was in a garden if not for the pristine hardwood floors beneath his feet.
He couldn’t see the memory girl, but he could feel her hand on his arm. They stood staring at the empty hall, inspecting it. John’s lungs stopped working. He could feel his throat constricting at the sight. He knew what he was looking at, but refused to let his mind make the connection. Struggling to breathe, John scanned the flower arrangements on the tables. The huge peony blossoms formed the majority of a conical centerpiece on the table next to him, interspersed with pale, purple orchids, daisies, and baby’s breath. Calla lilies and tall springs of lavender dotted another table.
Her hand was still on his arm, but as he tried to study the flowers, the pressure changed. She shifted. She was turning toward him. Panic grabbed John and his head swam. He did not want to see her. Not this time. He closed his eyes, but not quickly enough to see the bunch of white roses in her hand. John had to squeeze his eyes shut and bite the inside of his cheek. Hard. A trickle of blood slid down the inside of his mouth, but the memory cleared.
Snapping his eyes open and shaking his head as if he had just been thinking very deeply, instead of holding off a panic attack, John pointed to the star-shaped, pink tiger lilies. “I like these ones the best. They’re not as traditional looking as the other ones. They’re unique, like you,” John said as he kissed Gretchen and hoped the compliment would distract her from his odd behavior.
She smiled, but the questioning tilt of her head said it hadn’t worked. Desi, however did what John could not.
“You two are impossible,” she said. “I come here to help and you ignore me every time I make a suggestion.”
Trying to slip out of the kitchen, John paused behind Desi and put a hand on her shoulder. “Now, you don’t really expect me to side with you over Gretchen, do you?”
She smiled back at him and laughed. “Okay, fine. Have the tiger lilies if you really want to for the bouquet, but there’s no way I’m agreeing to them for the centerpieces.”
And Gretchen was successfully distracted. The two women were arguing again, and John snuck out to the backyard to think.
The memories were coming so often he feared even thinking about the wedding at times. Every time the wedding plans were brought up, John felt the panic creep in. His mind was trying to tell him something important, but John was trying just as hard not to listen to it. His biggest fear was that this wasn't a fight he could win.
Chapter Forty-Six
Something
Sitting back on the floor of the living room with their plans spread out around them, Desi and Gretchen were slowly getting through the massive list of things to do in her planner. The flowers and seating charts weren’t what was bothering Gretchen, though. Desi got frustrated when she couldn’t decide between putting her Aunt Agnes next to her cousin Fred or her grandparents, but Gretchen wanted everything to be perfect.
John made choices in seconds.
It wasn't that she thought he didn’t care about planning the wedding as much as she did, it was that he seemed to be making his choices based on something Gretchen didn’t understand. Why the yellow fabric or the country dresses? Why the tiger lilies? Maybe he was just going with what he thought she would like best. But maybe there was something else behind it.
“Did you notice how John was acting when we asked him about the flowers?” Gretchen asked Desi.
Looking up from a bridal magazine, she paused as she considered the question. “What do you mean?”
“You didn’t notice how he closed his eyes and seemed to go stiff suddenly?” she asked.
She shrugged. “I just thought he was trying to picture the flowers or something.” But then she frowned. “He did look a little pale for a second there.”
“He acts weird every time I ask him about the wedding,” Gretchen said. “He makes a choice after only a few seconds of looking at whatever I’m asking him about.”
“Not everyone is as indecisive as you are,” Desi said. She flipped the page of her magazine and went back to studying it.
Putting a finger on the spine, Gretchen pushed it down. Desi looked up at her, a little annoyed, but willing to listen. “It’s different than just making a decision, Desi. He’s choosing the things he does for a reason. I just can’t figure out what it is.”
“What are you talking about, Gretchen?” For Desi, making a decision on the spot was the only way to make a decision. Gretchen had no doubt that as soon as Jake finally got up the courage to propose to her, their wedding would be completely planned in about fifteen minutes. John wasn't like that, though.
He thought things out completely before he made a decision. He spent three weeks researching surnames before settling on Palmer. The attention he gave to every component of one of his recipes bordered on obsession. He had planned the way he was going to propose to Gretchen for four months. John very rarely made snap decisions. Now he seemed to be making them left and right. Something didn’t fit.
“Sometimes I’ll look over at John, or come into a room, and find him just staring blankly ahead,” Gretchen said. “He used to do it only every once in a while, but lately…it’s been happening more often. Mostly when I bring up the wedding.”
“He’s probably just a little stressed out right now,” she said. “He’s got, what, like four jobs over the next six weeks, plus his own wedding to cater. And the fact that he’ll have to trust his wedding to two people he’s only been working with for a few months is probably driving him nuts. We both know what a perfectionist he is when it comes to cooking. Who could blame him for spacing out every once in a while.”
It made sense…but it didn’t. Remembering how John was ready to jump out of his skin before proposing to Gretchen didn’t mesh with how he was acting now, not unless he was starting to think he had rushed into things too quickly. Maybe trying to get him recognized as a legal person, planning the wedding, and working were more craziness than he had expected.
“You don’t think he’s having second thoughts, do you?” Gretchen asked.
“John having seconds thoughts about marrying you? Absolutely not,” Desi said. “John is absolutely devoted to you.”
She was right there, too. Something was still bothering Gretchen. Then a thought occurred to her. “Do you think he found out about Carl?” she asked.
Through the sliding glass door in the corner of the living room they could both see John and Jake sitting in the patio chairs enjoying another semi-warm day that hinted spring was on its way. They talked and laughed as the girls watched them. It was nice to see them getting along so well. Jake was still John’s only real friend. Especially if you didn’t count the awkward tru
ce he had with Carl, which Gretchen didn’t.
“If John found out about Carl, we would have heard about it. John wouldn’t have let Carl get away with that. He would have confronted him, and I doubt that would have ended well,” Desi said. “Besides, how would he have found out? You, me, and Carl are the only ones who know about it, and none of us would ever tell John.”
“Then what is it?” she asked, almost to herself.
Desi stared at the guys for a few more seconds before asking, “Have you talked to Carl since then?”
Carl, Gretchen thought with a sigh. “Not really, just in passing,” she said. “He’s trying to be supportive, but it’s obviously hard for him. It’s hard for me, too. I hate seeing him so sad.”
“There’s nothing you can do about it, Gretchen,” Desi reminded her.
Gretchen was committed to John, but still felt she had betrayed Carl. Every time she saw him she was reminded about how many hours he had spent befriending her, making her feel like she could live again. He deserved better.
“Do you want me to set him up with someone?” Desi asked.
“No,” Gretchen said quickly. Desi raised her eyebrows at her. Dropping her head into her hands, guilt washed over Gretchen.
“Am I the worst person in the world?” she asked. “Carl admits he’s in love with me, and yet he’s tried to still be a good friend to me. But what do I do for him? I tell you not to set him up with someone because it makes me jealous to think of him with another woman. I should want him to be happy.”
Scooting over to Gretchen, Desi put her arm around her friend’s shoulder. “You’re not a terrible person, Gigi-girl,” she said, “you’re just really screwed up.”
Gretchen couldn’t help but laugh. So did Desi.
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