As we walk to Cooper’s car, Lyndsey tries not to pout. The sun is bright but offers little warmth. I shove my hands in my pockets and think I really need to start wearing mittens. Stopping in front of his Toyota Forerunner, Cooper says, “Lyndsey, thanks for breakfast. We’ll have to do it again.” He kisses her on the cheek and she flushes.
With a little wave she walks away, and I say, “Thanks, because she won’t train with me much longer if I keep taking you away.”
Cooper sends me a strained smile. Something’s definitely up. The doors unlock with a beep, and I climb in. Used to leather seats, I don’t slide very easily across the fabric.
When we start moving, I unwrap my bagel and take a big bite. Talking over the food in my mouth I ask, “So when are you going to tell me what’s going on?”
He looks in his rearview mirror, and I’m tempted to turn around to see if anyone is following us by way his jaw is clenched. “What really happened to your arm?”
“If you must know, Derrick tied me up when we had sex this morning.” I clench my jaw now because I wish I hadn’t answered so bluntly.
He glares at me. “Does he hit you, too?”
“What the hell? No. But my sex life is now officially off limits for discussion.” I flex my fingers out straight from the fists they were in, and take deep breaths to stay calm.
He pulls over into the police station lot and the gears clunk into park. I place my bagel on the dashboard, thinking I might as well just chuck it out the window, because whatever is going on, I guess I won’t be hungry soon.
Cooper takes a deep breath and says, “Derrick date-raped a girl his sophomore year.”
“What? He’s not like that, Cooper.”
“My roommate in college dated a girl that was all sorts of messed up. He told me she said she was at a New Year’s Eve party, and some guy gave her a drink. The next thing she knew she woke up in Derrick’s room, it was morning, and she realized she’d had sex, but no recollection of it at all.”
I’m shaking my head, and my hands are ice cold. “No. I don’t believe it.”
“Gretchen, you can tell me anything. I’ll be here with you through whatever happens.” He tilts my chin up with his finger. “Does Derrick hurt you?”
I flash back to my bruises and how badly he felt. “Oh, God. No, Cooper, he doesn’t hurt me.” I stare out the window at the police station. The building is gray with a charcoal-colored door. “Is that why we’re here? You want me to report Derrick?”
He reaches for my hands and gently takes one. Pulling up my sleeve, he inspects my wrist. His touch is gentle and the warmth of his fingers soothes my skin.
I let him keep looking and say, “They’re just welts. They’ll fade by the end of today. He didn’t force me, I swear. I wanted it.” I sigh. “You know I like it a little rough. Remember?”
He glances up from my wrist at me and speaks softly. “I remember a lot of things, and I think you liked it rough so you wouldn’t have to feel anything else.”
Oh great, he’s analyzing me. “Really and truly, Derrick and I do what we used to do, with a little tying me up for fun.” I snort, trying to play this off as funny, but I’m not the least bit amused.
Cooper’s voice is hard. “That doesn’t change the fact he’s a rapist.”
“That can’t be true. Did the girl press charges?”
“No. She was sure nobody would believe her. It was a frat party, and going up to some guy’s room for sex happens.”
“So if she was drugged, how would she know who raped her?” Fuck, I sound like I don’t believe her. “Shit, it’s not that I’m saying the girl’s lying. But it wasn’t Derrick. Maybe it was just his roommate, or someone who just used their room.” Paul comes to mind.
I stare out the windshield, watching flurries blow around the car. The sky has become overcast. I wonder when that happened. I hear Derrick’s voice in my head. “Do you trust me?” I say, “Cooper, I’m not being a stupid girl. I trust my boyfriend, and he isn’t the kind of guy to rape someone.”
I turn to look at him and his shoulders are slumped. “I’m in love with Derrick. He’s everything I never thought I would find and didn’t know I was searching for. Can’t you see? He couldn’t have done this.”
Cooper takes my hands again. “I know you believe that, and I want it to be true for you. But I don’t think it is. You call me anytime and I’ll be there. Do you understand?”
I nod. “Cooper, I’m sorry. I love you for caring so much, but without proof I won’t condemn him.” Except now that the seed of doubt is in my mind, I just may have.
Chapter 45
After a silent car ride home Cooper dropped me off. He hugged me tight as if he didn’t want me to go. I hate knowing he’s afraid for me. Coffee drips incessantly into the pot, and I stare out at the increasing storm. Swirls of white move at the wind’s discretion.
The bitter taste of coffee coats my tongue, and I hold it in my mouth long enough to wonder why I drink it black. I wish Casey were here because she’d help me sort this out.
This is ridiculous. I’m not in love with a rapist. I dump my coffee down the drain, and dishes clash when I yank open the dishwasher to load my empty cup.
I text Derrick. “I’m home.”
The desire to run is so great I don’t deny my body’s need and change into my exercise clothes. I push the door open into the storm. My rubber pull-on treads let me be fearless on the snowy road, and I take off in a sprint.
Icy flakes prick my face, and I yank my hat down to my eyebrows, offering some relief. My lungs are burning, but I push on. Lengthening my strides, my hamstrings scream at the stretch. The emotions that threaten to spill out in anger seep out with each step. Afraid I’ll pass out when I see stars before my eyes, I slow to a walk and stop. I’m hunched over when the whine of an engine makes me rise up. In a split second, I know what’s going to happen, but can’t react. A loud crack sounds, and pain should come when all goes black.
***
Agony throbs through me, but I need to open my eyes because a siren is blaring and I want it to stop. Derrick’s face appears and his mouth moves. I know he said he loves me, and a smile forms even though I want to vomit from the pain that’s everywhere. Something’s wrong with my body. Oh, God, something is really wrong. Fear chases me into the dark.
***
When I awake again I don’t want to open my eyes. Bright light is blinding me through my eyelids. A female voice says, “Gretchen, we’re going to fix you up, good as new.”
What? I’m broken? I try to scream, but noise won’t come. The blackness swallows me again as warmth spreads through my body.
***
Whispers tickle my ear and the scent I smell makes me roll toward Derrick. Fuck! Sharp pain in my hip stops my movement. My eyes snap open to his startled face.
“What the hell?” My voice is raspy and my throat hurts. Shit, everything hurts, even my hair.
Derrick says, “Shhh, your throat will heal soon. You were intubated.”
This time I whisper. “Am I in the hospital?” Of course you are, you dumb shit. Why else would you be in a bed with metal rails? Unless this is a kinky new contraption Derrick wants to tie you to. An attempt at laughing comes out, but it hurts my stomach and I squelch it.
“You were hit by a car. Are you in pain?” A persistent beeping makes me want to smack the machine next to me.
“Yes.”
“Here, I just pushed it, but this button dispenses more medication. It won’t let you take too much, so go ahead any time you want. You’ve got the good stuff.” Derrick winks and hands me a lip-balm-shaped implement attached to a cord with a depressible button on the end.
Panic licks at my thoughts. “What’s wrong with me?”
He tells me something about my pelvis and maybe my leg, but I’m confused. I’m trying to process what he said, but I’ve forgotten the beginning by the time he gets to the end.
Feeling like an idiot I say, “I was running.”
; “Yes, I was on my way over and got there just before the ambulance. Do you remember any of that?”
“I remember you told me you loved me.”
His hand strokes my face like a whisper. “I did. I’ve never been so scared in my life.”
“I’m not leaving you.” I raise my hand to touch him and wince with the pain.
He grabs my hand and lowers it gently. I say, “I want to kiss you.” It comes out as a whimper, but I haven’t got the energy to squelch my tears.
Derrick leans down and kisses me softly, and when he pulls away a tear rolls down my cheek and he says, “That’s enough for now. I don’t want to hurt you.”
“You haven’t.”
“Like hell he hasn’t.” Cooper’s angry voice echoes off the walls as he enters the room. “She’s here because of you.”
I try to remember why he’s mad at Derrick, but it won’t come to me. “Cooper, no.”
“Gretchen, you were running in a snowstorm because of him.”
Derrick speaks, “You need to get the fuck out of here now. I don’t know what you’re talking about, but the last thing Gretchen needs is you yelling.” His words are firm, and I’m trying to understand when my eyes close.
I’m so tired I can’t think. A nurse’s voice fades away and my last thought is New Year’s Eve. I sleep.
This time when I wake I hear my mother. I’m in pain, but don’t want medication. I need to understand what’s happening, and the drugs cloud my ability. “Mom?”
“I’m here, honey. So’s your father.” Her cool fingers stroke my face. “You’re going to be okay. Dad and I were just joking that you can do PT together.”
I’m broken and they fixed me. “What happened to me?”
My father takes my hand and explains that I’m lucky to be alive. My pelvis is broken, my leg shattered and full of metal, and my broken ribs punctured a lung. As he tells me, I realize my chance at the Olympic team this year is gone. My eyes burn with tears, and I don’t bother stopping them.
My mother hands me the pain button, but I don’t take it. I sniff and stop crying. “No, that makes me stupid. Dad, can I have something else?”
“Sure, let me see what we can do about that.”
A soft rap sounds, and Nika says, “Can I come in?”
She has fresh flowers, and I watch her change the ones on my bedside table. She says, “I’m so glad to see you awake.”
She’s been here? My mom excuses herself, and Nika takes her chair. “Your hair’s a mess. Would you like me to comb and braid it for you?”
“Yes, please.”
Nika’s gentle hands lift my head from the pillow to gather my hair. Her floral scent comforts me as she patiently untangles knots with a comb and tells me stories about teaching kids. It’s mindless conversation that makes me feel normal.
She talks about Christmas week in Vail, and how she and Derrick will do it here this year. I’m reminded of New Year’s Eve and something haunts me. “Nika, I’m sorry to interrupt, but I need to ask you something.”
“Sure.”
“What does New Year’s Eve mean?”
Her face drops. “That’s when Derrick and I honor my parent’s death. In the past we would go to Vail every Christmas like we used to do as a family, and instead of going out on New Year’s, Derrick and I have a nice dinner and tell stories about when we were little. It’s how we keep them alive.”
“Every year?”
“Yes. Did Derrick already talk to you about this? I know it’ll be weird, but he wants you to be there with us this year. Especially now that he has gotten to know your parents over the last couple days.”
I shake my head. “I don’t know if he asked already, I can’t remember. But, of course I want to be there.” I still don’t understand what the significance of New Year’s is, because this doesn’t ease my anxiety. “I’m sorry, finish your story.”
She stays with me though my bland hospital meal. When I’m done she asks the nurse to bring a basin of hot water and a cloth.
I moan in pleasure when Nika places the moist fabric on my skin. She washes my face, neck and upper chest. Moving on to my arms, she gently massages as she wipes them clean. When that’s done, she removes a bottle of lotion from her bag and rubs it gently into my skin. It’s the floral scent of her, and I breathe it in.
“This feels so glorious. Thank you.”
“You’re welcome. Derrick’s not the only Hamilton that loves you.” She stands and leans down to place a kiss on my check. “You need sleep. Derrick will be here to see you later.”
Derrick. Date rape. Everything rushes back to me. Cooper’s accusations and why I was running. Jesus, Mary, and Joseph. No wonder someone hit me. I went running in the middle of a snowstorm?
Fungi, that’s what Cooper was yelling about. Where’s my phone? I push the call button for the nurse.
Chapter 46
Apparently texting from the ICU is frowned upon because the nurse looked at me like I was a morphine junkie when I asked if I could borrow her phone. Fortunately I don’t have to wait long for help.
Casey breezes in like she ran here. “Nika texted me you were awake. Oh my gosh, it’s so good to see you conscious.”
“Do you have your phone?”
“What? No ‘hey, I’m happy to see you too. Sorry I made you think I was going to die.’ Or even a ‘gosh your butt looks good in those jeans?’” She chuckles, but I’m not amused.
“Sorry, but I need to talk to Cooper.”
She sobers and sits in the chair. “Ah, he’s not allowed in here.” She picks up the rose Nika left and sniffs it.
“Why not?” I guess it has something to do with the yelling the other day.
“He totally flipped out on Derrick and blamed him for you being here. He was taken away by security.”
“Case, he had a good reason to flip out. He thinks Derrick date-raped a girl in college. His roommate’s girlfriend.”
Her green eyes get huge. “No way.” She whispers, “Did he?”
“No. No, of course not. That’s why I need to talk to Cooper. I think I can convince him it wasn’t Derrick.”
“I don’t have his number. Do you know it?” She glances at the monitor that is beeping with my vitals. “That’s really annoying.”
“I know.” I yawn and realize I could fall asleep right now. Casey smoothes out my hair. “You scared me, Gretch. I don’t know what I would do without you.”
I grab her hand and give it a squeeze. “You’re stuck with me for a good long time. Cooper’s number is in my phone on the coffee table, would you text him for me, and tell him that I can prove Derrick didn’t rape that girl?”
“Yeah, sure. That reminds me. Nick showed me the posters. Alien sex is now a thing.” She chuckles.
“What?”
“They made you and Cooper look like aliens, and the caption is ‘Out of This World.’”
I yawn again and struggle to listen. I offer a weak smile.
“There’s also a poster with just you and one with just Cooper. You’re still Poster Gretchen for another year. You look really hot.”
“That should make Derrick happy.”
Casey leans down and gives me a kiss on my cheek. “I’m going to go now and let you sleep.”
“I’m sorry; I can barely keep my eyes open. Casey?”
“Yeah?”
“Thanks.”
***
The scent of Derrick makes me smile. He’s here and my warm hand tells me his fingers are wrapped around it. His breath sends a wave of pleasure down my spine when he whispers in my ear and I open my eyes as he says, “Good dream?”
“Good-smelling guy.”
He kisses my neck, and I reach up for his head to pull him closer. “It’s a shame you can’t crawl in here with me.”
“They might kick me out.”
I sigh. “Yeah, and I’m not sure what parts of me can move.”
“You not moving isn’t a problem for me.”
I try not to laugh because it hurts, and grin because that doesn’t.
“Are you hungry?” He pulls a tinfoil lump from his pocket.
“Did you bring me a bagel?” I take it from him. “You do love me.”
I unwrap it, and while it’s no longer warm, I salivate when I smell the garlic. I take the largest bite I can fit into my mouth. I know it shouldn’t, but right now it tastes better than I remembered. The lump rubs against my raw throat going down, but I don’t mind.
“So good.” I realize the last bagel I had was left in Cooper’s car, and I wonder if he’s gotten Casey’s text yet. I also wonder if Derrick knows Cooper thinks he’s a rapist.
As if he’s reading my thoughts Derrick asks, “Do you remember why you went running in a snowstorm?”
“I do. I was angry and upset. Derrick, do you know why Cooper is so mad at you all the time?” I lick cream cheese off the edge of the sandwiched bagel.
His jaw clenches and his eyes darken. “He’s still in love with you, Gretchen.”
I gulp what’s in my mouth. Shitake mushrooms. I hope not, but that’s not what matters right now. “No. Even before you met me, at college.”
He sighs. “The guy has anger issues. I don’t know what his problem is with me.”
My appetite is gone again, and I set the bagel down on the blanket. “I do. Derrick, he thinks you date-raped his roommate’s girlfriend.” His eyes get wide, and before his rage can bubble to the surface, I quickly add, “But I know it’s not true, and I can prove it.”
“What? Why would he make that shit up?” He stands and turns away from me. Pressing his hands down on the ledge beneath the window, he puts his forehead against the glass and I wonder if it’s cold.
“He didn’t, the girl did. But she didn’t make it up, she believes it.”
He turns to me with his brow furrowed and returns to the chair. He drops into it with a thump. “Back up and tell me the whole story.”
“According to Cooper, the girl said she went to a New Year’s Eve party at your fraternity. She woke up in your room, and knew she’d had sex, but didn’t remember a thing.”
“It couldn’t have been me. I always spend New Year’s with Nika.”
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