My Worst Best Friend

by Dyan Sheldon

  “Well, not to me,” said Archie. “It’s like every time I go to touch her, she moves out of my way. It’s got so bad I’m afraid to put my arm around her any more. I can’t even remember the last time she kissed me.”

  Necessity isn’t the only mother invention has – it has desperation, too.

  “Well, maybe she knew, you know, subconsciously, that she was coming down with something and she didn’t want you to catch it.”

  “That’s another thing.” Archie did his dying-seal impersonation again. “Last night—”

  “Last night she got sick, Archie. Unless you’re Typhoid Mary, that had nothing to do with you.”

  “But she wasn’t sick yesterday morning,” said Archie. “Yesterday morning, she said she was going to be at Anzalone’s. Definitely.”

  “I told you. It was sudden.” I had to resist the temptation to pat his arm. “Really, Arch, Savanna isn’t mad at you. It’s just one of her moods. She’s probably just a little stressed out. You know, with school and her family and everything.”

  I thought I sounded pretty convincing – but not to everyone.

  “Look, I won’t say anything to Savanna,” promised Archie. “I just want to know if she’s not into me any more or what. It’s kind of driving me nuts. And there’s nobody else I can talk to about it.”

  What about Cooper? Wasn’t that what friends were for?

  The only extrasensory perception I’d ever noticed in Archie was the ability to know if I had a brownie in my lunchbox before I opened the lid, but now he seemed to be able to read my mind.

  “Not Cooper,” said Archie. “He thinks Sa— Well, you know what Cooper’s like. He’d say I should tell her to get a life and stop messing with my head.”

  And I should have said, Dump her! Dump her now, before she causes you even more pain, humiliation and heartbreak. Only I didn’t.

  I said, “I think that would be overreacting.”

  “Well, I don’t want to,” sighed Archie. “I don’t want to break up with her. I just want her to be nice to me again.”

  “Oh, Arch…” It was like hearing baby orang-utans say that they wished the men would stop bulldozing their habitat and shooting their mothers. Enough to break your heart.

  “Please, Gracie. If Savanna’s through with me, I really need to know.” Archie patted my arm. “You can tell me the truth.”

  No, I couldn’t.

  “I told you.” I wondered if besides being able to read my mind he could tell that my palms were sweating. “I am telling you the truth, Arch. As far as I know, there’s nothing wrong.”

  His frown softened. “You’re sure?”

  I felt as if I was waving goodbye to someone who was walking backwards and straight off a cliff.

  “I’m absolutely, totally positive.”

  “Really?”

  “Yeah, really.”

  He looked as if he might cry with relief. “Thanks, Gracie. You’re a pal.” He grabbed my hand and started shaking it. “I feel much better.”

  That made one of us.

  “We’d better go and get the supplies.” I laughed. “Pete and Leroy will be eating the bench by now.” I was ready to run to the bright lights of the snack bar.

  “Gracie.” Archie grabbed my arm. “Gracie, this is just between you and me, right? You won’t say anything to Savanna, will you?”

  “Of course not,” I said. “My lips are sealed.”

  “I am sooo sorry, Gracie.” Savanna pulled a box of pasta and a jar of tomato sauce out of the cabinet and handed them to me. “I mean, like, really, I wouldn’t even want that troglodyte Jemima Satz to get stuck by herself with my psycho sister, never mind you.”

  “Sofia was fine.” She was in the family room, wearing her tutu and watching TV with the sound turned down when I’d arrived, and she was still there. She hadn’t said a word to me. “It was your mom who kind of gave me a hard time.”

  I’d showed up at six-thirty, as we’d arranged, but as soon as I rang the bell, Mrs Zindle started shouting. Don’t tell me you forgot your key again … Where the hell have you been? Why can’t I ever depend on you? I knew she wasn’t talking to me. I got on all right with Mrs Zindle. I’d seen her yell at her family pretty much the way you see clouds (you know, in the background and on a regular basis), but we weren’t related so she never yelled at me. My wild guess was that Savanna wasn’t back yet.

  “Poor Gracie… It’s all me me me with Zelda,” sympathized Savanna. “I mean, it’s not like she was going to the Oscars or something. It’s just some dinner with people she works with. She has eaten with them before.” She bent down to the cabinet where the pots were kept. “Was she totally mad-eyed berserk?”

  That was one way of putting it. If Mrs Zindle had been an air force she would have been in über carpet-bombing mode.

  “I am, like, really sorry, Gray.” She handed me the spaghetti pot. “I mean, I planned to be home on time, but what was I supposed to do? I couldn’t turn into a pumpkin at exactly five o’clock, could I? Love doesn’t own a watch.”

  Or even glance at the clock on its cell phone, apparently. Savanna rolled up after seven.

  “Zelda was really curious about where you were.” I went over to the sink and started filling the pot with water. “You know, because she thought you were with me.”

  “Ohmigod…” Savanna covered her mouth with her hand. “I guess I should’ve warned you.” She smiled. Warily. “What did you tell her?”

  I carried the pot of water to the stove. “I said we’d all gone bowling, and then you and Archie went off together and I went home to get my stuff.”

  “Gracie Mooney, you’re a genius!” She took out a saucepan and handed it to me. “That was, like, totally inspired.”

  “Not really.” I opened the jar of sauce and emptied it into the pan. “It was pretty much the truth. You know, except that you weren’t with us, of course.”

  “What?” Savanna straightened up. She was smiling as if she thought I was pulling her leg. “You really went bowling? With the boys?”

  I nodded. “Yeah.”

  “You all went bowling without me?”

  I looked around to see what else there was to do. “You want me to set the table?”

  “You can’t be serious. I mean, like, really? You all went bowling without me?” The way Savanna was smiling made it look like she didn’t have any teeth. “Nobody even asked me if I wanted to go?”

  “You were doing something else, Savanna, remember? And besides, you were sick. How could they ask you to come when you were sick?”

  “But you don’t even like bowling, Gracie. You always complain when I want you to go.”

  “Well, this time I didn’t.”

  “Oh, and why was that, Gracie?” She was going to have frown lines just like her mother if she didn’t stop making that face. “Because Archie called you up and asked you to go bowling with him and Leroy and Pete? Without me.”

  “Don’t be ridiculous. Besides, it was Cooper who invited me.”

  This laugh was nothing like a honk – or like falling beads. It was like someone coughing out a nut that had gone down the wrong way. “Cooper? But Cooper doesn’t go bowling. He’s never gone with us even once.”

  I checked to see if the water was boiling yet. “Well, this time he did.”

  Savanna made an exaggerated, jokey face. “That must have been a lot of fun. You and four boys. I mean, most of the time you hardly talk to them. You usually grouch if I leave you alone with them for, like, half a second.”

  “I wasn’t alone.” I lowered the lid again. “Marilouise came too.”

  “Marilouise?” Savanna’s eyebrows practically hit her hairline. “Marilouise went with you?”

  “Oh, for Pete’s sake, Sav.” I was starting to see certain advantages in sticking to Morgan as a topic of conversation. Boring but safe. “I don’t know why you’re getting all warped out of shape about it. We went bowling. You know, like millions of American teenagers do every day. Wha
t’s the big deal?”

  “That’s not the point, Gray.” Her lower lip was down. “The point is that it’s a little hurtful to see how nobody was even a tiny bit concerned about me. I mean, I was supposed to be really sick. For all Archie knew, I was on my deathbed. What would you have done if I’d died? Thrown a party?”

  “You’re being completely ludicrous.” I thrust the box of pasta into her hands. To give her something to do besides fester and fume. “And anyway, Archie was very concerned about you.”

  She stopped sulking aggressively. “Really?”

  “Yeah, really.” When I told Archie that I wouldn’t say anything to Savanna about our conversation, I’d meant it. But I could tell that I was on the brink of breaking my promise. I turned away from her and got involved with the pasta water again.

  “What did he say?”

  “You know…” I shrugged. “That he hoped it wasn’t anything serious. I had to stop him from coming over to see how you were.”

  “There’s something you’re not telling me,” said Savanna.

  “No, there isn’t.” I reached for the box. “The water’s ready.”

  “Are you sure there’s nothing else, Gracie?” She narrowed her eyes. Thoughtfully. “What are you holding back? Your ears are going red.”

  I really had to think about growing my hair.

  “Me?” I choked. “You’re the one who’s holding back, Sav. You haven’t said a word about your date with Morgan since you walked through the door.” I frowned. “Don’t tell me you didn’t have a good time.”

  “Don’t try to change the subject, Gray,” ordered Savanna. “I know you too well. What did Archie say?”

  “I can’t tell you. I promised.”

  “Gracie…” She had that take-no-prisoners look in her eyes. “What did Archie say? You’re my best friend. You can’t keep something like that from me.”

  “You swear that you won’t tell him I told you?”

  “On a bear.” She handed me the pasta.

  “He thinks you’re mad at him. You know, because you haven’t been hanging out and hardly talk to him.”

  “Oh for Pete’s sake … He never listens to what I say anyway.”

  “He thinks you’ve been acting weird. You know, avoiding him.” I sighed as I watched the fusilli fall into the water. “He seemed really upset.”

  Just call me Little Big Mouth.

  “And what did you say?”

  “What do you mean ‘What did I say?’ I said there was nothing wrong. I said you definitely weren’t mad at him.”

  “Thankyouthankyou, Gracie!” Savanna threw her arms around me. “I knew I could count on you.”

  “You know what?” I said as we disengaged. “Maybe now would be a good time to tell Archie the truth.”

  “I know you think I’m being awful, Gray, but actually I’m trying to be kind. Really. I mean, the point is that I can’t say anything till I’m really sure about Morgan. You don’t want me to hurt Archie for no reason, do you?” She smiled. Shyly. “Anyway, you know what they say: a bird in the hand is worth two in the bushes.”

  “Bush.” I said.

  Chapter Fourteen

  Back with a Vengeance

  Savanna and I were running a little late on Monday morning because she had to have an argument with her mother and find her cell phone (in the box of remotes by the TV) before we could leave the house.

  “I’ve been, like, thinking about what you were saying last night,” said Savanna, as we hurried to school. “About Archie being so upset at the way I’ve been acting? I mean, I do think it’s pretty self-centred of him to assume it, like, has anything to do with him, but I guess I have been a little self-absorbed lately. And I’m not mad at him, you know I’m not. I really like him a lot. I don’t want him to get all bitter and twisted or anything.”

  “So what are you going to do?” I figured there wasn’t much point in saying “Tell the truth” again.

  “Watch this space,” said Savanna. “This week is going to be different.”

  The boys were already in the lounge by the time we got there. Archie, Pete and Leroy were talking among themselves – in the way boys do when there are no girls there to get bored by a verbal replay of Saturday’s game. Cooper was sitting next to Pete, his eyes on the door. He waved when he saw us.

  We both waved back.

  Savanna sailed across the lounge as if a strong wind was pushing her. “Hi, everybody!” she called. “I have returned!”

  And, just like that, zombie girl was gone.

  Leroy, Pete and Archie all looked up. Archie’s smile was wary.

  Cooper scooted over so I could sit between him and Pete. “I didn’t know you’d been away,” he said to Savanna.

  Savanna made a face that was guaranteed to get her massive wrinkles in thirty years. “I wouldn’t expect you to notice.” She plonked herself down so close to Archie she was practically in his lap. She leaned her smile next to his face. “Kisskiss.” She rubbed her nose against his cheek. “But you were worried about me, weren’t you, Arch? You missed me.”

  “You know I did.” Archie was kind of blinking as if he thought he might be dreaming. He touched his cheek.

  “What are you looking like that for?” Savanna hooked a foot around his ankle. “Aren’t you glad to see me?”

  “Yeah, of course I’m glad to see you.” Though maybe he wasn’t expecting her to be speaking to him again so suddenly. He slipped an arm around her shoulder. Gingerly. She didn’t squirm or pull away. “I just didn’t think you’d be in today. From what Gracie said. I thought you were really sick. She said you couldn’t even talk on the phone yesterday.”

  And here we had living proof of the miracle that is modern medicine.

  “I was really sick. I don’t think I’ve ever been sicker in my whole life.” Savanna shook her hair and sighed. “And I’m still not, like, a hundred per cent. I mean, my muscles ache like I’ve been working out for the last two days. But I couldn’t stay in bed another second without dying of boredom. I mean, I, like, missed you so much… Anyway, I vowed that if I didn’t have a fever this morning, I’d come in no matter how bad I felt.” She snuggled against him. “So what did you do while I was all by myself on my bed of pain?” She looked up at him, smiling almost shyly. “I hope you didn’t have too much fun.”

  Archie started to tell her what he’d done while she had the twenty-four-hour plague, trying to make it sound like a lot less fun than having a near-death experience.

  Meanwhile, Leroy leaned across Pete and tapped my knee. “Gracie,” he said. “I need your help. Remember you were talking yesterday about that book you read a—”

  “Hey, wait your turn.” Pete shoved him back. “I need Gracie to check my math for me. It’s my first class, so it has priority.”

  “You can both get to the back of the line,” said Cooper. “I have something really important I have to discuss with Gracie.” He pulled a notebook from his mailbag. “Remember we were talking about how boring the language manuals are at the project?” He opened the notebook across our knees. “Well, I had this earth-shaking moment of inspiration last night, and I had this really great idea—”

  Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Savanna pull out of the snuggle and sit up so quickly Archie practically fell over.

  “Ohmigod!” shrieked Savanna. “That reminds me. I have this really great idea, too!”

  That got everybody’s attention. The boys all stopped talking and looked at her.

  “It is, like, so awesomely fantabulous!” Her hands flapped in the air as if she was about to take off. “I mean, I can’t believe I forgot about it for even a second!” She straightened up.

  It was Cooper who said, “So what’s this great idea?”

  “That we all go to the Christmas dance together.” If Savanna had been the sun it would have been high noon. “I mean, haven’t you seen the posters? They’re all over the place. It’s like the social event of the winter.”

  Just in ca
se you forgot, the Christmas dance had been mentioned – briefly and fairly unfavourably – the week before. That would be when Archie asked Savanna if she wanted to go. And she pretty much said no.

  “Forget it,” said Leroy. “There’s nobody I want to ask who isn’t already going with someone else.”

  “And there’s nobody I want to ask, period,” said Pete.

  “Yeah, but that’s why my idea is so abnormally fantastic. I mean, nobody has to have a date.” Savanna looked so pleased you’d think she’d come up with an alternative and sustainable fuel to oil. “Instead of going as couples, we all go with each other. That way, it’ll be more like a party. Think what a blast it’ll be!”

  Archie had been looking at Savanna as if he didn’t know the dog could speak English, but now he said, “What are you talking about, Savanna? When I asked you, you said you didn’t want to go to the dance.”

  “I said I’d think about it, Archie. Remember?” Savanna laughed and leaned against him. “And now I’ve thought about it. And I’ve decided we should all go.”

  “Does that mean you’re paying for the tickets?” asked Pete.

  Savanna pretended to laugh.

  “Well, you can count me out,” said Cooper. “I’m not a dancing man. And even if I was, it’s the same night as the Neighbours’ Christmas bash. There’s no way I can pass up a potluck supper and accordion music.” He glanced over at me. “So I’ll be otherwise engaged.”

  I nodded. “Me too.” It isn’t true that anyone with a heartbeat can dance. This is a myth I’d disproved when I was five and was asked to leave Miss LeBlanc’s ballet class. “I’m not a dancing man either.” The potential for public humiliation was virtually limitless.

  “But the beauty of my idea is that it doesn’t matter if you can’t dance,” insisted Savanna. “We’ll all be together. Hanging out. You don’t even have to tap your toes in time to the music if you don’t want to.”

  What I didn’t want to do was go to the dance.