My Worst Best Friend

by Dyan Sheldon

  “Yeah,” said my father. He was looking at me. “It’s really something.”

  I said, “Savanna, your mother’s on the phone. It could be important.”

  Chapter Eighteen

  Savanna and I Have Our First Fight

  The phone call wasn’t really important. Zelda couldn’t find her favourite bath gel. Figuring out that Savanna had used it and not put it back where it belonged was pretty much a no-brainer. “She is, like, sooo anal,” said Savanna after she hung up. “I mean, what’s the big deal? It’s not like she’s got some major date. She’s taking a bath and going to bed.” I said that I didn’t understand why Zelda didn’t keep everything she valued locked up.

  Savanna and I went up to my room before the band called it a night and the last guests left. Two guitars, a banjo and a fiddle didn’t really make the kind of music Savanna could listen to for more than half an hour without falling asleep, and, now that I knew my dad wasn’t going to disown me and send me to live in a trailer in Florida, I felt as if I’d spent the night rescuing animals from a flood. I was wiped out.

  Savanna put the plate of desserts she’d brought up with her on my night table and threw herself on my bed. “I can’t believe you were worried for even one tiny second. Didn’t I tell you everything would be OK?” she crowed. “You just get so nervous about everything, Gray. It can’t be good for you. I’m really scared it’s going to do you some permanent damage. I mean, look at how you twitched and fretted about my plan, and it totally worked like a dream!”

  I locked the door behind us. “Not a good dream.”

  Savanna groaned. “That’s exactly what I mean, Gray. You have to stop being so negative all the time… It’s a real turn-off – especially for guys.” She kicked off her shoes. “I went, I came back and no one’s the wiser.” She raised her arms. Victorious. “You did all that worrying for nothing.”

  I hadn’t planned on saying anything about how guilty I was feeling and what a lousy time I’d had and everything. Savanna and I never fought. Partly because I wasn’t confrontational. And partly because she had her family to fight with; she didn’t need to fight with me, too. Besides, I was so relieved that we’d actually got away with it that all I really wanted was to forget about it.

  But, instead of keeping my mouth shut, I said, “That close.” I held my thumb and index finger so you’d just be able to slip a hair between them. Maybe. “If you had been two seconds later, it would all have been over except for the tears. That’s how close we came to being busted by my dad.”

  “But we weren’t, were we?” Savanna smiled. Brightly. “Ifs don’t count, Gracie. It’s only the dids that matter. Did I get back too late? Did your dad find out the truth? Did we get in trouble?”

  “You forgot one.” I was still standing. “Did I lie?”

  Savanna bit into a brownie. “You didn’t lie, Gray. You just edited the truth a little. Really a little. Because the point is that I was in the house most of the night. But not, like, all of it.”

  Words are funny. They are important, but not as important as what they describe. You know, like in a war when civilians are being bombed into oblivion and the army calls it “collateral damage”. You could call it chicken soup, but it would still be killing innocent people. Editing the truth … fictionalizing … omitting a couple of tiny facts… It didn’t matter what you called it. It was still lying.

  “I don’t like lying to my dad, Savanna.” I moved away from the door, pulled the chair out from my desk and sat down. So she’d know that I was being serious. “It makes me feel really lousy.”

  “Oh, Gracie, don’t say that.” She brushed some crumbs off her top. “I mean, it’s not like he’ll ever know.”

  “But I know.”

  She took a cranberry and orange cookie from the plate. “I’ll tell you what. If it makes you feel better, you won’t have to lie to him again. Ever. I mean, this was, like, an emergency. Swear on a bear, any future excuses will not involve The Professor.” She gave me a smile. “Just Archie and the rents.”

  In movies and books, people who survive a near-death experience – like some terrible accident or a heart attack – often have a moment of truth afterwards. Suddenly they understand what’s really important in life. They find God. Or they give up drinking. Or they don’t lie any more.

  I shook my head. This was my moment of truth. “No, not them, either.”

  Savanna stopped in mid-bite. “Excuse me?”

  “I’m really sorry, but I can’t cover for you any more. Not with Archie, not with your folks – not with anyone.”

  She smiled as if I was teasing. “But you have to.”

  “No, I don’t.” I didn’t.

  “What do you mean, ‘No I don’t’?” She dropped the cookie back on the plate. “You can’t abandon me now, Gray. Not when everything’s, like, going so well. I need you to support me. I depend on you. Without you, I might have to stop seeing Morgan. I mean, how can I keep it all together by myself? And if I have to stop seeing Morgan, it’ll be just like you took a gun and shot me through the heart.”

  And if I kept lying for her, it would be like I took a gun and shot myself through the heart.

  “I’m sorry, Sav. I really am.” I leaned forward. I was earnest, but I was calm. So calm you’d think we were having a regular conversation about how she was going to survive till the next time she saw Morgan or what colour she should do her nails next. “But I can’t go on with this. I just can’t. I feel like an impersonator.” Impersonating myself – the honest Gracie Mooney. The girl who always told the truth.

  “Oh, Gracie…” Savanna’s whole body sighed. “How many times do I have to tell you to lighten up? You’re taking this way too seriously.” She smiled again. “I mean, it’s not like you’re killing white rhinos for their horns or anything like that. This is, like, totally harmless. All you’re doing is backing me up.” She winked. “By not quite telling the truth.”

  Downstairs, my father started belting out “There Once Was a Union Maid”.

  I took a deep breath. “No, I’m not. From now on, I’m quite telling the truth.”

  “Which means what exactly?” She tilted her head to one side. “That you won’t lie for me, or that you won’t back me up?”

  “Who never was afraid…” sang my father.

  “Both.” The relief of not getting caught was nothing to the relief I felt at finally taking a stand. Of knowing that things really would be different from now on. I felt like I’d been walking across a minefield, and now I’d made it back on safe ground. “If you tell Archie you were with me when you weren’t and he asks me how I liked the flying seals or the kazoo orchestra, I’ll tell him the truth.” I made myself look her right in the eye. “That I was home by myself.”

  I didn’t get long to enjoy my relief. Savanna’s face lost its smile. It looked like it should be up there on Mount Rushmore, squeezed in between Teddy Roosevelt and Lincoln. “You couldn’t do that to me, Gracie. You wouldn’t dare.”

  “I could.” I focused on her hair. “I would.”

  “But that would be, like, the biggest, most major treachery ever. I mean, I would never do something like that to you. Not even if I was being tortured.” She wasn’t sprawling against the pillows any more, she was sitting up straight. Exactly as if she was carved out of sacred stone. “You’re supposed to be my best friend. Best friends stick by each other. They help each other out. Like I always help you out.”

  “I am your best friend. That’s why I’m telling you how I really feel.” You can tell your best friend anything, right? Even about them. “Who else is going to tell you when you’re— you know, making a big mistake.”

  “Who else?” Her curls snapped. “Well, that’s a laugh. Because you know just as well as I do, Gracie Mooney, that practically everybody in the world is always telling me I’m wrong. I get nothing but criticism. From Gus and Zelda … from teachers … from kids at school … and now from you!” Her voice was getting louder. I couldn�
�t hear what was happening to the union maid any more. “How come I’m always the one who’s in the wrong, huh? How come everybody’s always down on me? How come everything’s always my fault?”

  “Everything isn’t always your fault, Savanna. All I’m saying is—”

  “I thought you— I thought you really understood me, Gray.” She was kneeling on the bed now, so that her body was wobbling as much as her voice. “I thought you were on my side.”

  “I am on your side.” I looked her straight in the eyes. “But I don’t think what you’re doing is right. And not just all the lying. Cheating’s bad, Savanna. Somebody could get really hurt.”

  “Oh, for God’s sake, Gracie. You are sooo melodramatic.” Savanna had got up off the bed. She’d folded her arms across her chest and was tapping her foot on the floor. “I told you, it’s not cheating unless—”

  “Then tell them,” I said. “Tell Morgan and Archie. Tell them both that you’re seeing someone else, but it’s OK because you aren’t married.”

  Tap, tap, tap. Her eyes narrowed. “Why are you doing this to me, Gracie?”

  “I’m not doing anything to you, Savanna. Just count me out, that’s all I’m saying. I don’t want to be a part of it any more.”

  “But you are doing something to me.” She sounded like the digital voice on an answer machine. Tap, tap, tap. “You’re ruining my life, that’s what you’re doing. I’m supposed to be able to depend on you. But I can’t, can I? You’re just not there for me!”

  “What are you talking about? I’m always there for you.” Even when there was someplace like the mall, or the beach, or the gym, where I really didn’t want to be. Even when she never showed up. “You’re the one who never thinks of me, or what I feel, or what I want to do.” I couldn’t seem to stop. Now things I hadn’t even thought had bothered me at the time were racing out of my mouth. “You never once came to see my butterfly garden in the summer. You never once went camping with me.”

  “You know I don’t like The Great Outbores, Gracie. I totally can’t sleep in dirt and bugs. I have, like, a phobia. And I was going to check out your butterflies, but it just so happens that I was busy, too. In case you forgot. I mean, I’m the one who got stuck babysitting Sofia all the time. By myself. And I’m the one who had to deal with Archie and his demands last summer. By myself.” Savanna’s hair moved like storm clouds in a heavy wind. “And anyway, that’s not the point. The point is that, instead of supporting me, you’re going against me. I mean, this isn’t just you having other things you have to deal with. This is you deliberately sabotaging me.”

  It was? This had to be the fastest transformation since Clark Kent stepped into the phone booth and came out as Superman. From best friend to enemy agent in under a minute.

  “But that’s ridiculous!” Now I was standing, too. “I’m not sabotaging you. I want to help you.”

  “Oh, right… So long as you’re not inconvenienced.”

  “Oh, Savanna. You know that’s not true. I—”

  “And don’t kid yourself about why you’re doing this to me, either. It’s not because you’re so perfect and principled and don’t like to do anything wrong.” Her arms weren’t folded in front of her any more. “That is like so incredibly far from the truth it’s practically in another galaxy.”

  Never mind another galaxy, I was starting to feel like I’d stumbled into a parallel world.

  “I didn’t say I was per—”

  “I know exactly why you’re doing this to me, Gracie Mooney. Don’t think I don’t. You’re doing it because you’re jealous.”

  Now there wasn’t a doubt in my mind. I’d definitely stumbled into a parallel world. Gracie through the looking glass – and straight into a ravine.

  “I what?”

  “You heard me.” She was so angry that I wouldn’t have recognized her if I hadn’t seen her get dressed before the party. “You’re jealous.” Savanna waved her arms and shook her head so that her hair blew around as if a hawk wind was moving through my room. “I can’t believe I’ve been so blind! Now I see it all, Gracie Mooney! You’re the worst best friend I’ve ever had. You’re way worse than Lena Skopec. I mean, all she took was my boots. But you! Right from the start you’ve been trying to turn me against Morgan. Making me doubt him. You’re like that dude in that play we did in English last year – you know, where he makes her husband jealous and she dies in the end? What’s his name? Eon—”

  “Iago.”

  “Whatever. Trying to poison my mind. Always saying that Morgan’s making up excuses for not seeing me. That he has another girlfriend.”

  I felt like a one-girl climate-change disaster: my stomach was a block of ice, my palms were damp and my heart was pretty much crumbling into the sea. “But I’ve never said any of those things. I’ve never even met Morgan, Savanna. Why would I want to turn you against him?”

  “Oh, I don’t think this really has anything to do with Morgan.” All of a sudden, she was dead calm in this really creepy, unnatural way. The way psychos are in the movies when they call up the police to tell them where the next body is. I’d have liked it better if she was still screaming. “I think you’ve always been jealous of me. Probably before I even knew you. Probably when I was just someone you saw around school, you were already plotting how you could ruin my life! I bet that’s why you wormed yourself between me and Marilouise like you did.”

  “What are you talking about? Marilouise was in my English class. I was friends with her first. I—”

  “Exactly! And then she introduced you to me, and you shoved her out and made yourself my best friend.”

  That wasn’t the way I remembered it. Savanna saw me and Marilouise talking outside of class one afternoon and she came over and introduced herself. “Hi,” she said, “I’m Savanna Zindle. Who are you?” And then after a while she kind of lost interest in Marilouise, and Marilouise just seemed to drift away.

  “It was your plan right from the start, wasn’t it? You were jealous of me because I’m all the things you’ll never be—”

  “You mean like tall?”

  “You wanted to pretend to be my best friend so you could really hurt me.”

  What was I, some kind of criminal mastermind? Could she hear herself? Had we ever met? But the biggest question was: did she believe what she was saying – was that what she really thought of me?

  “Savanna, you’re being completely ridiculous.”

  “Oh, am I?” She sneered. “Well, I disagree. I don’t think I’m being ridiculous at all. I think I’m finally seeing the real you, Gracie Mooney. And the real you just can’t stand to see me happy. You want me to be a pathetic loser, so you can feel better about yourself.”

  “That’s not true!”

  “Isn’t it?”

  “No, it isn’t! I’ve been helping you.”

  “Have you?”

  “What do you mean, have I? Of course I have, I—”

  “Well, if you ask me, the person you’ve been helping is yourself. I heard you, Gracie. I heard you dissing me to Archie and Cooper.”

  “When? I never—”

  “Oh yes, you did. At the mall. You said I was a snake.”

  I opened my mouth to correct her, but she rolled on like a tsunami. “And don’t you just love all the attention the boys give you now? They’re all over you!” Her voice went grating and tinny. “Oh, here’s Gracie… Oh, Gracie, help me tie my shoelace… Oh, Gracie, wasn’t the bowling a blast?”

  “Savanna—”

  “And don’t think you fool me, sucking up to Cooper the way you’ve been doing, pretending to be interested in him. I mean, you don’t even like him. You made that totally clear. No, I know what you’re up to. You’re trying to get close to Archie.”

  “Archie?” Even though we were in the middle of an argument, it was an effort not to laugh. “Do you mean Archie Snell?”

  “Yes, poor little Miss Innocent Gracie Mooney, Archie Snell. Maybe you can fool him and Cooper, but not me. You t
hink that if he cries on your shoulder and you’re like sooo sympathetic and understanding, you’ll get him on the rebound.”

  Why would I think a thing like that?

  “But I don’t want Archie. I—”

  “Well, you don’t want Cooper. So why else are you burrowing in with them like a tick on a dog?”

  “But I’m only even friends with them because of you.”

  “That’s your story. But you’re a liar, aren’t you, Gracie? You said so yourself. So why should I believe anything you tell me? I mean, like, if you told me it was raining I’d probably throw out my umbrella. All I know for sure is that you and Archie are all palsy-walsy now. You’re always whispering together.”

  “No, we aren’t. The only time we talk alone is when we’re talking about you.”

  “And I wonder what you tell him, Gracie, huh? What do you tell him? Because Archie’s being, like, very suspicious lately. He always wants to know why I can’t see him and what I’m doing. I’m surprised he hasn’t started stalking me.”

  “But that’s not my fault. You’re the one who—”

  “Oh, please… Spare me the pathetic excuses.”

  “Savanna—”

  “I can’t take any more!” She grabbed her bag from the foot of the bed. “I’m going home.”

  “You can’t go home.” I was amazed at how reasonable I sounded. “It’s after midnight. And you don’t have your shoes on.”

  She raised her chin. “Then I’ll sleep downstairs.”

  Now that she wasn’t screaming any more, you could hear the Wobblies, still going strong.

  “Won’t the music keep you awake?”

  Savanna’s face was all crushed together as if it was a tin can someone had stomped on. And then she collapsed back onto my bed, tears streaming down her face. “I can’t believe you’re doing this to me. I really can’t.”

  “But I’m not, Savanna! I’m not—”