She and Matt had already decided Maddie would keep working until about six months along in the pregnancy. They hoped they could sell the apartment and be in a house by then. Without having to pay for all the treatments and IVF, they could have an excellent down payment. Her salary would go into savings from here on out. When she quit her job, she could then work on getting the house ready. She was so excited she could hardly stand it, and yet it was unbelievable too. After all this time it was hard to accept. All the sorrow and bitterness seemed ridiculous to her now. All she could feel was gratitude and incredible joy.
At lunch her stomach was rolling and she had a headache. She decided to take the afternoon off, and her supervisor was accommodating. At home she changed into flannel pajama bottoms and one of Matt’s T-shirts before curling up on the couch and falling asleep within moments.
She woke up when Matt came in from work. She blinked a few times and sat up.
“Maddie,” he said in surprise when he realized she was on the couch. “You’re home early.”
“I was too sick to work,” she said, unable to wipe the smile off her face. She rolled onto her stomach and propped her chin on the arm of the couch. “How was your day?”
“Good,” Matt said. He shrugged out of his coat and put it on the chair before coming to the couch. She scooted over for him, then laid her head in his lap. He hesitated for a moment and then began stroking her hair. She closed her eyes and felt her body relax from head to toe.
“I love you, Maddie,” he said a few minutes later, as she was drifting off. She opened her eyes and looked at him, wondering at the concerned look on his face.
“I love you too. Are you okay?”
He bent down and kissed her forehead. For a moment it seemed as if he was going to say something, but he settled on a smile. “I just love you.”
Maddie grinned and sat up, wrapping her arms around his neck. He returned the embrace, and she molded into him, wondering how it was that they had ever had the distance of just a few weeks ago. Things were working out. She’d never been so happy. Next week, on February sixteenth, they would celebrate their fourth wedding anniversary. It would be a sweet celebration—the best one yet.
****
They got online that night and started researching the area and houses they were interested in. Matt already knew the approximate price range they could afford, and they found several that seemed perfect.
Saturday they spent the day driving from house to house. They knew they were getting ahead of themselves—they hadn’t even listed the condo yet—but it was fun dreaming and getting ideas for where they wanted to live. Several neighborhoods stood out to them.
When they returned home, they wrote out all the financial ramifications, determining what price range they wanted to shoot for. They were feeling rather wealthy without the monkey of fertility treatment bills on their back. They could do this.
When they finished going over the minute details, Matt put all the fliers and listing information in a file they could reference later. “I’ll call someone about listing the condo on Monday,” he promised.
Maddie agreed and they enjoyed discussing it throughout the evening. When they went to bed, Maddie fell asleep almost instantly. As the day had worn on, her back had begun to ache. It wasn’t bad enough to do anything about, other than take some Tylenol, but she determined she needed to take it easy. Spending all day on her feet wasn’t a good idea anymore.
Sometime during the night she was awakened by a dull pain. It wasn’t in her back this time, but on the side, lower in her abdomen. She began to panic, but told herself that not ever having been pregnant before, she didn’t really know what was normal. She recommitted to never spend so much time on her feet again. The pain didn’t go away, though, and she got up around five a.m. Moving around seemed to help a little, and she took some more Tylenol. Sitting on the couch, she stretched her arms above her head and twisted from side to side, thinking maybe she had a kink somewhere. After a few minutes she felt better and went back to bed.
Around seven a.m. she was awakened again. She couldn’t fall back to sleep and tried different positions to relieve her discomfort. Kim had gotten a bladder infection when she was pregnant with Lexie. Maddie hoped that wasn’t what she had. She got up, with Matt still oblivious in bed, and drank a glass of water. A few minutes passed, and she convinced herself the drink had helped.
Matt got up at eight and found her on the couch. “You okay?” he asked.
Maddie nodded. “My side’s hurting me. I think I might have a bladder infection.”
Matt’s eyebrows shot up. “Well, let’s take you in.”
“No,” she said, waving it off and sitting up ever so slowly. “It’s Sunday and I’ve got to teach my lesson. I’ll call Kim and ask her what I should do.”
But she didn’t call Kim right away, and by the time she did, after Matt’s continual harassment, Kim wasn’t home. The pain was worse than ever. She looked at the clock. Church was in half an hour. I’ll just lie down for a little bit, she told herself. Matt watched her every movement. She kept perfectly still on the bed for ten minutes and was sure she felt better. Sitting up, she took a deep breath and stood. Maybe she could walk it off somehow. She took one step forward and the most intense pain she’d ever felt exploded within her. She felt as if she’d been cut in half and heard herself cry out before falling back on the bed. Matt had been in and out of the room the whole time, watching her with concern. He was at her side within moments.
“What?” he asked, brushing her hair back and doing a horrible job of hiding his worry.
She could barely breathe. “I think you better—” she moaned and bent over as another wave of pain radiated throughout her body. She felt dizzy and sick to her stomach.
Matt carried her to the car as she started to cry. Something was very wrong.
Chapter 12
Matt and Maddie pulled up to the hospital within ten minutes. Maddie was doubled over in pain and sobbing. Matt slammed the car into park in front of the ER and ran inside to get some help. He returned with orderlies and a wheelchair to help get her inside. She was taken through the double doors as Matt explained what had happened. A doctor met them and began assessing Maddie while a nurse asked Matt for her name and address. The doctor felt Maddie’s belly, causing her to tense up and moan again. Matt didn’t like the look on the doctor’s face as he ordered an ultrasound and called for an OB. Things seemed to be happening at warp speed.
Matt answered the nurse’s questions for Maddie’s chart while another doctor came in and did the ultrasound. Maddie’s face was contorted in pain. She was crying and her whole body seemed rigid. After what felt like forever, the doctor turned to face Matt and Maddie.
“I’m sorry to tell you this, but we believe you are suffering from an ectopic pregnancy.”
“A what?” Matt asked. He was holding Maddie’s hand, and her grip tightened.
“A pregnancy that has attached itself to her fallopian tube. When the embryo reaches a certain size, the tube often ruptures, spilling fluid into the abdominal cavity.”
“Fluid?” Matt asked, trying to keep up and having a hard time making sense of things.
“Blood. Your wife’s abdomen is hard, which is a definite sign of internal bleeding. You say it’s been about twenty minutes that she’s been in pain?”
Matt nodded, holding on tight to Maddie’s hand—as if they could somehow make this better if they were together. “She said it started hurting this morning, but then got bad really fast.”
“If that’s the case, she is likely bleeding quite a lot. We have to get her into surgery.”
“No,” Maddie said, shaking her head, her eyes clenched shut. Matt looked over at her. Hadn’t she heard what the doctor said? She was bleeding inside.
“I’m sorry,” the doctor continued. “I know this isn’t what you were hoping for.”
“Can you save the baby?” Matt asked, certain that in this day and age there were options.
The doctor looked at him as if Matt should know the answer. “We’re prepping a surgical room, and I’ve ordered blood for a transfusion. But we need her to sign these forms before we can proceed.”
The doctor held the clipboard out to Maddie, but she wouldn’t take it. Her sobs filled the room. Matt took the clipboard in a daze as Maddie tucked her chin to her chest and pulled her knees up even higher.
The doctor waited, the anxious look on his face intense. When neither Matt or Maddie moved, he repeated that surgery was their only option.
“You’ll take the ovary and the tube,” Maddie said between her tears, holding Matt’s hand in a death grip. “I’ll never have a baby. I want Dr. Lawrence.” Maddie lifted her head to look at Matt with pleading eyes. “Call Dr. Lawrence.”
The OB doctor—Matt hadn’t even caught his name—cleared his throat and spoke. “Ma’am, there is no time for another doctor. Your life is in danger here, and every minute we waste increases your risk. We will do all we can to keep the ovary intact, but the sooner we get in there, the better our chances are of saving it. We need to get this going, and you’ve got to sign the paperwork in order for us to proceed.”
Matt looked at Maddie, and she shook her head. “I’m not signing anything until I talk to Dr. Lawrence.”
The doctor clenched his jaw and looked at Matt. “I’d like to talk to you outside,” he said.
Matt nodded but stood with reluctance, not wanting to leave Maddie’s side. Another round of pain seized her, and she clenched her teeth and curled around herself once again. “Don’t,” she managed to say as Matt turned to leave.
“We will save what we can,” the doctor said once they were in the hall. “But your wife is bleeding inside. She’s in shock as well. Just since her arrival here, her abdomen has distended. She is bleeding to death right in front of you. Pretty soon she’ll lose consciousness, at which time you can sign these forms and hope it’s not too late. The OR is prepped, but we can’t do anything without permission, and as long as she’s conscious, it’s her permission we need.”
“But—”
“But nothing,” the doctor said with irritation. “Is it worth losing your wife all together? Surgery is the only solution.”
Matt swallowed the lump in his throat and realized he had no choice. Taking a deep breath, he entered the room again and placed the clipboard on the bedside table. Maddie looked so small in the hospital bed, still curled in a ball, her body shaking and yet tense, her face pale. Matt pulled a chair up to the bed so he was at eye level with her. The doctor stood in the doorway, tapping his foot ever so slightly—the only sign, other than his expression, that he was anxious about the delay.
“Maddie,” Matt said, his voice shaking as he tried to keep his own emotion and heartache at bay for the moment. She didn’t respond, so he reached out and put his hand on her shoulder. She flinched and lifted her head enough to look at him. Then her whole body tensed, and she moaned in pain. “Maddie, you have to sign the forms,” he said. He’d never felt so small and powerless in all his life. If there were anything he could have done at that moment to make this better, he’d have done it. His eyes filled with tears, and his stomach clenched. It wasn’t supposed to be like this!
She shook her head. “I can’t,” she said between clenched teeth.
Reaching out, he took her head in both hands and turned her to look at him as his own tears overflowed. “Maddie,” he whispered in a shaky voice. “You have to let them do this. You’re bleeding inside. This will kill you.” He choked on the words as the full weight of the situation descended. He began to panic but didn’t want to freak out and make things worse. He also didn’t want to be the one signing those forms, for fear she’d never forgive him for it. He could see she was losing strength. The thought was paralyzing.
She clenched her eyes shut and tried to shake her head again. Her eyes were swollen, her entire face drawn and grey. With his thumbs he wiped her eyes, smoothing back the hair from her face until she opened her eyes again and looked at him with such torture that he had to choke back a sob. “No,” she whispered, her chin trembling and the tears still falling. “Matt, no.”
“I’m so sorry,” he whispered, nearly unable to speak, still smoothing her hair as tears ran down his face. “But we made promises to be together, no matter what. You can’t back out now. You’re more important than anything else.”
She closed her eyes again, clenching every muscle as she cried out in pain. The doctor stepped up and tapped Matt on the shoulder. Matt stared at the clipboard as if it were a serpent. He took it from the table and held it out to Maddie. The doctor handed her a pen.
“You have to,” Matt said once more. He placed a hand on the side of her face, and she turned into it. “Please,” he begged with tears falling.
With a shaky hand, she signed her choppy signature on the line.
Before the doctor and nurses could get Maddie out the door of the room, she had lost consciousness. Matt stood in the hallway and watched them run her gurney down the hall and around the corner. He stared at nothing for several seconds before dropping his chin and giving in to the devastation he’d been holding back.
****
Matt sat next to the bed Sunday evening, waiting for his wife to wake up and wondering how he would find the words to tell her what had happened. It had taken seven units of blood to restore what she’d lost before the surgeon was able to clamp the broken vessels. Both the tube and the ovary had been removed. If she’d come in a few hours earlier, before the rupture, they may have been able to save the ovary and graft it to her tube on the other side. Had she come half an hour later, she’d have bled to death. As far as ectopic pregnancies went, this one had been severe.
Being so close to losing Maddie had left Matt in shock. Yet he couldn’t focus on his own emotions too much because when Maddie woke up, he’d have to tell her what had happened. The truth would be almost as devastating for her as the close call had been for him. It would feel like a death sentence to her. For all these years and through all their trials, faith had been their only solace. Now, along with the physical parts necessary to make a baby, that faith had been ripped from them too.
Both sets of parents had come to the hospital, as well as Kim and Allen, but Matt had asked them to leave before Maddie awoke, knowing he needed to tell her what had happened and not wanting an audience. He was grateful for their understanding and had spent the hour since their departure trying to find the right words.
It was several minutes from when she first began to stir until she was conscious enough to ask for a drink. He poured water from the pitcher beside the bed and helped her sip it through a straw. He stroked her hair and held her hand, using all the strength he had left to keep from laying his head on her chest and sobbing like a child.
“What happened?” she asked in a scratchy voice.
Matt forced a smile. “You lost a lot of blood, and they had to—”
“What happened?” she demanded, and he knew that beating around the bush would do no good.
“I talked to Dr. Lawrence, and he said that having him there wouldn’t have made a difference,” Matt said as tenderly as he could. “It wouldn’t have changed anything.”
“What happened?” she demanded a third time, this time trying her best to give him a hard look, though she seemed to have a tough time focusing. Her chin began to tremble before he could answer.
“They had to take the ovary too. Honey, I’m so sorry.” Her shoulders began to shake, and he placed a hand on her arm. “I’m so sorry,” he repeated, feeling inadequate. In reply she buried her face in the pillow and began to sob. For several minutes he stayed there, smoothing her hair, rubbing her arm, desperate to comfort her and not knowing how. When the nurse came into the room, Maddie was shaking, sobbing, and struggling to breathe as Matt tried to calm her down.
“She needs a sedative,” said the nurse, hurrying out of the room. She returned a few moments later with a syringe and injected
its contents into Maddie’s IV line.
“This will keep her down for a few hours,” the nurse said as they watched Maddie’s eyes flutter closed, her breathing equalizing and her jaw falling slack, though her face was still flushed with emotion and streaked with tears. “You may as well go home and get some rest. There’s nothing more you can do for her right now, but she’ll need you tomorrow.”
Matt drove home in a daze, opening the front door to the empty apartment only to stand in the doorway, oblivious to the cold behind him. The apartment was just as it had been when they left: his cereal bowl on the counter, her scriptures and lesson manual stacked on the kitchen table waiting for them to head out the door to church. It was all so familiar, so untouched, yet their lives were forever changed. Stepping over the threshold seemed to symbolize a certain level of acceptance—a joining of the hopes and dreams formed within these walls to the bitter reality that those dreams were dead. They would not have a child—not ever.
And all day, in the back of his mind, had been the reminder of his appointment tomorrow to get the blood paternity test done. In the middle of the mourning and realization that certain things were now gone forever was the continual reminder that other things were far from over. Yet, what could he do to change anything? What was done was done—there was nothing to do but move forward. He wished he knew how he was supposed to do it.
The wind blew against his back as he let out a breath he felt he’d been holding for hours and stepped inside.
Chapter 13
Monday was the worst day of Matt’s life. He’d returned to the hospital around four in the morning, unable to sleep at home. Maddie woke up around six, but the nurse kept her meds pretty high, so she wasn’t fully coherent. At nine o’clock Maddie’s mother, Trisha, arrived, and Matt asked if she would stay while he took care of a few things at work. She said she would, sharing her sympathy, which he had to shake off to avoid more tears. He still couldn’t believe this had happened. It had never crossed his mind that they would be asked to face something so overwhelming and final.
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