Unsung Lullaby

by Josi S. Kilpack

  Matt nodded. “I was thinking that too.” They were both silent for almost a minute. “It would make an easier transition. I just wish it didn’t feel like I was running away.”

  “There is no running away,” Maddie said, looking at the blanket and pulling her foot back, not wanting to be touched anymore. “Even if we move, people will know.”

  Matt took a deep breath and leaned back on the couch. “Yeah,” he said with a shrug. “But it might be easier in a new place.”

  Another uncomfortable silence descended, and Maddie could feel herself getting angry, as she often did when she thought about the details they had waiting for them—and that it was Matt’s fault they were facing this at all. She tried to change the subject. “When are you going to tell your parents?”

  “After church,” he said.

  “And my parents?” she asked. “They need to hear it from you too.”

  Matt grunted and stood up. “There is only so much I can do all at once.”

  “You have to talk to them,” Maddie repeated, realizing she was sounding like a school marm. She wasn’t sure why she was pushing so hard. Maybe she needed to feel powerful somehow.

  Matt turned and looked at her. “Thanks for the news break,” he said bitterly, tightening his tie back up. “I need to get back to church; I’m conducting in priesthood today.”

  Maddie went back to her book but found it hard to focus until Matt left. She wished again that she could choose to let go of the anger the way she had chosen to come home and give their marriage a chance. She knew it would take time, but wished she could fast-forward things somehow. Being angry with Matt, in addition to everything else, was exhausting.

  ****

  Matt didn’t come home after church, and Maddie could only assume he had gone straight to his parents. When he came in the door, his tie had been loosened, and his hair looked like he’d pushed his hands through it a hundred times.

  “How’d it go?” she asked, muting the television and feeling bad for adding to his stress that morning. It couldn’t have been an easy day for him.

  Matt snorted and shook his head as he placed his scriptures on the counter. “They were very proud of me,” he said, his voice thick with sarcasm.

  “It was bad?”

  Matt turned and leaned his hips against the counter, dropping his chin and folding his arms across his chest. “It was humiliating,” he said quietly, staring at the floor. “After I talked to the bishop back then and got Sonja’s assurances, I went ahead and enrolled in school for the fall semester. I didn’t turn nineteen until early November, so I told my folks I wanted to get some school in. I thought I was doing the responsible thing by not burdening them with something that wasn’t their fault. Telling them the truth now was quite a shock. I didn’t even get to the part about Walter maybe coming in the summer—they were hung up on how it was that I never knew before now, and how I could do this to you. My mom cried.”

  “Really?” Maddie said. She hadn’t expected that, and though she felt bad about it, it made her feel a little better as well. Maybe people did understand how hard this was.

  Matt sighed and lifted his head. “It was a shock—like it was for you, like it will be for everyone. I’ve worked so hard to never give people reason to doubt me. Now, when they learn the truth . . .”

  Maddie stood up and came to stand in front of him. He didn’t look at her at first, and when he did, he regarded her with suspicion. “I’m sorry, Matt,” she said.

  “Isn’t this what you wanted?” he asked. “To have me punished this way?”

  It had been what she wanted—a little. But he had a lot more of this ahead and he didn’t need her to make it worse. “I’m sorry,” she said, reaching up and smoothing back his hair. “I don’t want people to hurt you.” And she didn’t. She knew his hurt wasn’t going to make hers go away.

  Matt didn’t look like he believed her, so she reached her arms around his neck, and after a moment he reciprocated. They hadn’t been very affectionate since her return, but it felt good to be close to him, to deaden the sting a little.

  “I’ll go with you to my parents,” she said after a few moments.

  “You don’t have to,” he said, but she could hear how much he did want her there.

  “I want them to know we’re together on this,” Maddie said.

  “Are we?” Matt asked. “It’s hard to tell sometimes.”

  Ouch, she thought, pushing back the retort she had automatically come up with. She didn’t want to make things worse, though, so she refused to give in to the temptation to punish him further. “I’m working on it, Matt. I’ll go with you if you feel up to it tonight.”

  Matt groaned, and she pulled back. “I guess I might as well get it over with,” he said. Then he smiled. “I don’t want to give you time to reconsider your offer.”

  “No kidding,” Maddie teased.

  ****

  Having advance notice proved to be a good thing. Maddie’s parents asked questions, but made no accusations or judgments. Maddie reminded herself that they had gotten used to their kids having interesting turns in their lives. Allen’s marriage to his first wife, Janet, their divorce ten years later, and then the marriage to Kim right after all her turmoil hadn’t been easy. Maddie had another brother who was in his late thirties, unmarried and inactive with a four-year-old son and a live-in girlfriend. Her parents had long ago given up on the perfect family. But until they embraced Matt and offered their support, Maddie had never considered how their challenges had made them so full of love and compassion. She cried, of course, but their kindness went a long way in helping her see how she wanted to be. It also helped Matt. For the first time he had disclosed his past to someone who wasn’t completely shocked or angry with him.

  Maddie’s parents even offered to call her brothers and sisters and tell them the news themselves. These confessions were draining, and being spared them was a welcome and thoughtful gift. Matt decided to tell his own siblings via e-mail. Maddie felt the e-mail didn’t give it the weight it deserved, but Matt looked exhausted, and she couldn’t bring herself to add to his burdens by insisting he call each person individually.

  “What about visitation?” Maddie asked as they drove home.

  Matt let out a breath. “I don’t know. It seems like the right thing to do.”

  “Yeah,” Maddie said, looking out the window to avoid looking at him as the anger rose up again. She wasn’t against Walter’s coming. In fact, she thought it would be a good thing. But she also knew it would be hard. Matt reached across the car and placed his hand on her knee. It surprised her, making her jump, but then she placed her hand over his and gave it a squeeze, reminding herself she’d chosen to be here.

  ****

  Maddie went back to work Monday morning, working only until noon. There was plenty to do, and after her half-day was finished, she was overwhelmed and wondering why she had come back early. But it felt good to be doing something, so she got up the next morning, and the next. During their lunch break on Friday, she met Matt at his new attorney’s office. It took an hour to get all the paperwork signed, a Voluntary Establishment of Paternity officially submitted—thus avoiding a court trial so long as they could all agree to visitation and child-support issues without the interference of a judge. They listened as the attorney explained the many intricacies of not only the custody issues but the complexity of dealing with the Navajo tribe. It was overwhelming to hear so many details. Sonja had already prepared her requests—$350 a month for child support and she was happy to give Matt visitation, though she would retain full custody. Matt and Maddie agreed to her terms, but insisted that Walter be okay with the idea. The attorney assured them she would follow through on it. It was a relief to know they wouldn’t have to go before a judge or even see Sonja face to face. Apparently cases like this had become so common they were relatively simple to do.

  They both returned to work, and Maddie was grateful for the solitude of her car on the drive back. B
y the time she pulled into the parking lot at work, her eyes were dry again. She wanted to be strong and supportive, but each phase was like a knife twisting in her side. Through it all, however, at least since she had chosen to come back to her husband, she felt lifted up. When moments came that she was sure she couldn’t tolerate, something kept her going, helped her bite her tongue—most of the time—and reminded her that she was here by choice. Somehow knowing she hadn’t been forced into this strengthened her resolve to do it right.

  But sometimes she still found herself dreaming of a studio apartment in Seattle and a job at K-Mart.

  Chapter 24

  It’s a simple question,” Sonja said with frustration. “Do you want to go stay with him or not? Grandmother will fly there with you and pick you up when it’s over. It will be fun.” She tapped her cigarette, and the gray ash plopped into the dirty ashtray. The letter she’d received in the mail was open on the table, and she kept looking at it.

  Part of Walter was excited to go somewhere new, but it was scary to think about leaving the Rez. He looked at Anna, who was doing her homework across the table from him. She nodded without looking up. That was what he needed. “Yeah, I guess,” he said.

  Sonja smiled, showing teeth that were yellow because of the cigarettes she was always smoking. “Good. I’ve got to go into Gallup to make the call. I’ll be back later. Actually, I might stay with José tonight.”

  She left, and Walter waited until the truck pulled away before speaking again. “You think I should go?” he asked, using the butt of a cigarette to trace patterns in the ash of the ashtray.

  Anna nodded and smiled at him. “I bet he’s nice. The letter says he has a wife and a good job. It’s only for naaki (two months).”

  “I think I’ll miss the stars.” He rested his arms on the table top.

  Anna laughed. “There are stars in the city.”

  “Sam says there aren’t.”

  “Sam’s wrong,” she said. “You just can’t see as many.”

  “I wish you could come with me,” Walter said.

  “Well, I can’t wait for you to come home and tell me all about it. I’ve never lived in a city. Besides, I’ll be working full-time at the Twin Lakes Trading Post this summer. Even if you stayed, we wouldn’t see much of each other. I’ll be really busy.”

  Walter thought about that. It would be cool to go somewhere none of his friends had ever been. Besides, he didn’t want to be home all day without Anna in the summer. “You think they’ll be nice?”

  “I think they are real nice. I bet they’re excited to have a boy there too. They don’t have any kids yet, and don’t forget they asked you to come—they didn’t have to.”

  “They’re Mormon. Mom hates Mormons,” Walter said.

  “They seem nice, and that’s all that matters. Besides, I know a few Mormon kids at school, and they’re okay.”

  Anna’s liking Mormons was more convincing than his mom’s not liking them. His mom didn’t like lots of people—including Navajos. “Okay,” Walter said, getting more excited the more they talked about it. “I hope they like me.”

  Anna leaned over and ruffled his hair. “Why wouldn’t they like you? You’re the best little boy in the world.”

  “I’m not little,” he said with a scowl.

  “Okay, you’re the best big boy in the world.”

  “I’m not big.”

  Anna laughed again. “You’re impossible.”

  “Can I have some chips?”

  “We don’t have any.”

  “Cereal?”

  “We don’t have that either. There’s some fry bread, though.”

  “Can I have honey on it?”

  “Sure,” she said, standing up. “I’ll help you.”

  Chapter 25

  Maddie took a deep breath and pushed the doorbell, holding the package in both hands. Kim opened the door, and for a few moments she and Maddie stared at one another. Then Maddie smiled shyly and held out a white package with a pink bow and said, “I’m sorry I waited so long.”

  Kim stepped out onto the porch, pulling Maddie into her arms for a hug. Maddie closed her eyes and willed away the emotion that sprang up at knowing that Kim wasn’t angry with her. Little Sammy, short for Samantha, was almost six weeks old, and although Maddie had thought about Kim often, she hadn’t been able to bring herself to see her or even call. Kim had left several messages Maddie hadn’t returned, and Matt said she’d sent some e-mails too. Maddie avoided the computer like the plague, not wanting to be included in the lengthy discussions Matt had been having with several of their siblings as everyone tried to make sense of what was happening. Maddie had been back to full-time work for two weeks and had started feeling horrible for not talking to her best friend for so long.

  It would have been easier if the paternity situation had been the only thing keeping her away. She could have gotten past that. But there was also Sammy. Sammy represented all Maddie had lost, and it was hard to get past that and rejoice in Kim and Allen’s bounty. Today she had realized that if she allowed it to, the jealousy she was feeling would destroy the friendship she had with Kim. The thought had been terrifying enough to force her to the nearest JC Penney. Going to the baby department was a heart-wrenching experience. Little frilly dresses and tiny shoes seemed to taunt her. She rushed in and rushed out, but was grateful she had done it once she was back in her car.

  Kim eventually let her go and wiped her eyes with embarrassment. “What women we are,” Kim said with a laugh, and Maddie smiled. Kim invited her in, and Maddie entered, feeling oddly uncomfortable in the home she’d always felt very comfortable in.

  Once inside, Maddie asked, “So where’s this little niece of mine?”

  Kim turned and led Maddie to the cocooned infant lying in the crook of the couch. Kim lifted her, showing Maddie the chubby peach face of her newborn daughter. Maddie smiled and put out her hands, unable to find words necessary to ask for permission. Kim transferred the bundle to Maddie’s arms and then settled on the couch opposite the chair Maddie lowered into. Wishing the tears hadn’t come so fast, Maddie looked up and with a watery smile whispered, “She’s beautiful.” She met Kim’s eyes and looked away from the pity there. “I should have come a long time ago.”

  “It’s okay. I’ve been really worried about you, though.”

  Maddie ignored the sympathy. “Is she a good baby?”

  “She has her moments,” Kim said, seeming to relax a little bit, but still tense. “She’s not as content as Lexie was, but she slept three hours straight last night.”

  Maddie laughed. “Three whole hours, and that’s a good thing?”

  “For her it is,” Kim said with a smile.

  Maddie handed the baby back. “She’s darling.” She could feel the emotions piling up behind her carefully built wall, and she didn’t want to lose it on Kim. She’d made progress, she knew that, but it was still so hard. If someone could say that after she’d held twenty-five babies it wouldn’t hurt anymore, or after five hundred and eighty-nine days she’d be able to be happy for someone else’s blessings, she would at least have something to shoot for.

  “How is it going with . . . well, everything?” Kim asked, her voice sounding hesitant to bring it up. “We were pretty shocked when we found out.”

  “Yeah, so was I,” Maddie said. “Matt asked to be released from his calling. I feel bad for him—you know how much he’s loved the young men.” Kim nodded. “But I think he was right to do it. The bishop knows, and I think he’s told the other ward leaders, but no one has said anything to us. We listed the condo, got an attorney, and petitioned for visitation in the summer.”

  “Do you think his mom’s okay with that?”

  His mom, Maddie repeated in her mind, and took a deep breath. “Apparently she’s in full cooperation, but it’s up to Walter. If he doesn’t want to come, we won’t force it.”

  “How much is Matt going to have to pay in support?”

  “Three hundred and f
ifty dollars a month, and they haven’t had a phone, so he’ll be paying for that, too. But they can’t go after him for back support. That’s a relief.”

  “And you?” Kim said. “How are you?”

  Maddie shrugged. It was her best answer. “I’m here,” she said with a fake smile she knew Kim saw right through. “And I’m making progress. I better get going, though. I’m meeting Matt at the gym.”

  “I meant to tell you how great you look,” Kim said.

  “Yeah, not having anything better to do has gotten me off my behind a little more. I’m back in jeans I haven’t worn for years.”

  “Good for you,” Kim said. She put Sammy back on the couch and gave Maddie another hug. “Keep it up.”

  “Yes, ma’am.”

  But then Maddie cried all the way home and canceled the trip to the gym.

  ****

  The following Monday found them across the desk from the attorney again.

  “Walter agreed to the visitation—at least for this year,” she said as she looked at Matt. Matt let out a breath and forced a tenacious smile. “He said it would be ‘cool,’” she added with a smile. Maddie smiled back, but her stomach dropped a little. The attorney continued: “I took you at your word concerning visitation, and we’ve worked out eight weeks for the summer. Walter will fly in from Albuquerque, the closest airport, in June and go home in August. If these terms are acceptable for you, then we can finish up the paperwork now, I’ll submit the copies to the courts, and within the week all the legal issues will be put to rest. Your willingness to agree to Mrs. Hudson’s terms made things go very smoothly.” She pushed some papers toward Matt, who picked up a pen and signed. Maddie’s head was spinning.

  They finished up and went out to the car. Maddie had missed so much work that she had to be careful about time she took off these days, so she’d taken a late lunch break and Matt had picked her up. They got in the car and started toward her office.