Unsung Lullaby

by Josi S. Kilpack

  Yes, let’s, Matt thought darkly. He wanted to hurry.

  Every store had Matt asking the same question. “Is this it?”

  And Walter always had the same answer. “Um, I dunno.”

  They walked to wherever the jewelry was, if the store had it, and then Walter would remember this wasn’t the one. He even wanted to go into Foot Locker, but Matt convinced him it wasn’t in there.

  After almost forty minutes, they reached the last store, Mervyn’s. Matt couldn’t recall Mervyn’s being known for its jewelry selection. “Is this it?” he asked with a sigh. Maybe this wasn’t even the right mall. He started considering his other gift options. There were dresses displayed to the right. He cringed at the thought.

  “I think so,” Walter said.

  It took a minute for Matt to realize what he’d said. “It is?”

  “I think so,” Walter said. “I remember that big black sign.”

  Matt looked at the big black sign that said Mervyn’s and wondered why Walter couldn’t have remembered it forty minutes ago. They found the jewelry case, and Matt was dismayed to see so many twirly towers of earrings. If it had been this hard to find the store, how long would it take to find the earrings?

  “Here they are,” Walter said excitedly as he poked his finger at the glass.

  Matt smiled and bent down, resting his hands on his knees and staring into the case. “Which ones?”

  “Those turquoise ones—shaped like long teardrops.”

  Matt scrunched his face up. “They don’t look like something Maddie would wear.”

  “That’s what she said,” Walter said. “But she liked them—said they would look good with her black dress.”

  “I don’t know,” Matt said. Maddie was a simple, classic kind of girl. The earrings were over two inches long and bright turquoise. She’d never worn turquoise.

  “She really did want them,” Walter insisted, seeming to sense Matt’s hesitation. “I told her turquoise helps with healing and bringing good friends,” he said. “She said she’d come get them after her next paycheck, and they would remind her of me when I went back to the Reservation.” He grinned, and Matt was reminded of how wonderful a woman his wife was to make this boy feel so important.

  “Did she say anything about the necklace that goes with it?”

  “Nah,” Walter said, shaking his head. “It’s not real turquoise, though.”

  “Why do you say that?”

  “We’re in the mall,” Walter said, the look on his face showing that he expected Matt to know this. “Real turquoise is sold on the Reservation, and Navajo don’t shape it like that.”

  “Is that so?” Matt said. “Did you tell her that?”

  “Yeah, but she liked them anyway.”

  Good enough, Matt decided. It took a minute to find a salesperson. They completed the sale and had the earrings wrapped separate from the necklace. He knew why Maddie hadn’t bought them before. They weren’t cheap. But they were very pretty, and he was dying to see a smile on her face.

  Maddie was stirring a mug of hot cocoa when they entered. “I’ll make you guys some,” she said without turning. She reached into the cupboard for more mugs. Matt smiled at Walter and nodded.

  Walter stepped forward and put his small package on the counter.

  Maddie stopped and put the empty mug she’d just removed on the counter next to the box. “What’s this?” she asked, picking up the box. Matt was still behind her, but he could see her smile when she turned to look at Walter.

  “We’re celebrating your fraternity,” he said.

  Maddie had the sense to laugh. “We are?” she said, turning around and resting her hips on the counter. She looked at Matt questioningly. “How did you know about that?”

  “Matt told me that’s why you were sad, so we needed to make you happy. Open it.”

  Maddie shook her head and removed the silver ribbon tied on the silver box. She opened it and inhaled sharply. She looked down at Walter. “You remembered these?” she whispered.

  Walter was beaming. “Yup, I told Matt.” He looked at Matt, and Matt gave him a quick thumbs-up sign before hiding his hand behind his back when Maddie looked at him.

  “Thank you,” she said. “That was very thoughtful of both of you.”

  “No, that was just thoughtful for me,” Walter said, grinning. “Matt has his own thoughtful . . . thing.”

  Matt drew his hands from behind his back and handed her the other box. She opened it and stared at the necklace. Then she looked up at him and pulled Walter to her side. “A matching set,” she whispered as a single tear ran down her cheek. “Just like the two of you.”

  She reached her hand out, and Matt walked to her, wrapping her and Walter in an embrace. “I love you guys,” she whispered, kissing Matt’s cheek. “You’re both wonderful to me.”

  They watched some TV together and then went to bed. It was Friday, so Walter stayed up downstairs, but Maddie was tired, and Matt preferred going to bed with his wife over playing Nintendo with a nine-year-old.

  “Thanks for doing that, Matt,” she said after they’d lain down.

  “I’m glad you liked them. I drew a blank until Walter suggested the earrings.”

  “I’ll cherish them forever, but being thought of was what I really needed.” She paused, and Matt reached for her hand under the sheet, giving it a squeeze. “I still feel so left out, so passed over. I don’t exist when certain conversations come up. I hate it, and yet I’m realizing it’s going to be a part of my life forever.”

  Matt pulled her close and kissed her temple. “It makes me bitter too, and I hate seeing you heartbroken over and over.” He began stroking the side of her face. “I’d do anything to make it better for you.”

  Maddie smiled and lifted her hand to his face. “You’re doing a great job of it,” she said, her voice sounding lighter. “In fact, I’m hoping someone else announces a pregnancy real soon—there’s these black cowboy boots I’ve had my eye on.”

  “Black cowboy boots?” Matt asked. “Since when?”

  “Since I started liking turquoise,” she said. “Walter pulled me into a leather shop and showed me the boots he wanted. I found some I liked.”

  Matt laughed. “Anything to make you happy.”

  “Oh, you’ve already done that.”

  Matt considered having her write that down so he could show her later and remind her she’d said it. But it would probably ruin the moment.

  “I just love you, Maddie.”

  “I’m just glad.”

  Chapter 35

  Anna tied off the rug she’d been weaving and began removing it from the loom. It was Sunday, and she had worked six hours at the trading post, but she was taking tomorrow off since Walter would be coming home. Skye had dropped her off at Grandmother’s so she could finish the rug she’d been working on here and there for the last few weeks. Grandmother came inside and helped her. “It is very beautiful,” Grandmother said. “Will you sell this one, too?”

  Anna nodded. “I have to,” she said, running her fingers over the patterns of burgundy and brown. People always thought there was some religious meaning in the patterns, but it was only the imagination of the weaver. Anna preferred the traditional patterns and the symbols of plants and earth included within them—this one was no exception. She’d been selling her rugs for three years now and was making quite a name for herself. Whereas the ones she worked on at the trading post earned her a percentage of the sale price, those she did on her own time were much more profitable. “The trading post wants another one in two weeks. Thank you for letting me use the loom.”

  “The loom is yours,” Grandmother said.

  Anna whipped her head around, staring at the old woman in surprise. “What?”

  “My father made me the loom when I was your age, and I promised him that when I was too old to weave, it would go to my best student. I had hoped it would be my own daughter or granddaughter, but none are the weaver you are. It’s in your s
oul. When you have a home, it will go with you.”

  Anna was in awe and looked back at the loom, running her hand across the top. The lodgepole structure was dark and smooth from so many years of use. “I don’t know what to say,” she whispered, overwhelmed by such a gift. It should be kept in Grandmother’s family. However, it was not Anna’s place to question her elders. Grandmother, of all people, understood tradition and appreciated the power of the gift she was giving. Anna was humbled by such a tribute. A warm hand on her shoulder caused her to look up at the woman who had been such a blessing in her life.

  “Promise me you will weave and teach it to your daughters,” she said.

  Anna nodded, though children of her own seemed a far way off. “I promise I will,” she said, placing her hand over the old woman’s.

  “You are going back?” Grandmother asked a moment later. She withdrew her hand and moved toward the back of the hogan where she kept her pantry items in narrow shelving fixed onto the walls.

  For the last six weeks Anna had lived with Skye and her family, but Walter was coming home tomorrow, and she needed to be there. “I’m excited to see him again,” Anna said, forcing a smile and an optimistic attitude. “He’s had a wonderful time there.”

  “Aoo’ (yes),” Grandmother said. “He deserves a home of safety.”

  Anna turned to look at the old woman, picking up something in her voice that piqued her curiosity. “A home of safety among his own people, right?”

  “I left the Reservation for many years, Anna,” Grandmother said with the sweet yet commanding voice. “But the way never left me. I worry for him with that woman.”

  Anna didn’t question further, but she was surprised by Grandmother’s words, pondering them as she walked to the trailer that evening. After so many attempts made by outsiders to take the Indian ways from their children, most Navajo, especially the older ones, were fiercely against their children leaving the Reservation. It had been only in the last forty years that the Navajo Nation had become strong again, teaching their traditions and running their society in accordance with their beliefs. There was no word for religion in the Navajo language. Religion was just who they were. Though many had been lost, such as Sonja and most of Anna’s family, the fire of her origin burned within her. She had no greater desire than to go to college and bring the experience back to live out her life on the Reservation. She anticipated carrying on the traditions and weaving until, like Grandmother, she was old and wise—a blessing to the family she hoped to one day raise.

  Anna saw herself as the preservation of a family line that was all but extinguished. She had always seen Walter as part of that preservation as well. Although she’d encouraged him to go to Salt Lake for the summers, she was committed to keeping his roots planted in Reservation soil. Yet Grandmother—a woman as devoted to preserving their people as Anna could ever be—felt his safety was the top priority. Was she insinuating she would choose Walter’s father’s home over the Reservation if it were the only way to keep him safe? It gave Anna a new, and not entirely welcome, perspective of the situation.

  Anna also considered that in two years she would graduate from high school. She wanted to go to college, to get away from Sonja, and to learn the things she couldn’t learn here—as Grandmother had done. But how could she leave Walter? It was something she’d thought many times, and a solution had not yet presented itself. But she had been prayerful and believed He would help her find the right solution somehow. When the trailer came into view, she took a deep breath and continued forward, praying in her heart that things would be better—that Walter would return to a home of safety, just as Grandmother wished for him.

  Chapter 36

  Matt and Maddie made the most of Walter’s last week. They took walks in the evenings and went to Lagoon, the local amusement park, with Kim and Allen on Saturday, trying to fit everything in. Monday morning they were standing at the airport security gate.

  Whereas Walter had arrived in June with only one small backpack, he was leaving with two suitcases Matt had used on his mission. Inside were all the clothes Matt and Maddie had purchased for him over the short time he had been with them, as well as some toys and videos. Maddie had contemplated sending him home with the backpack and the exact clothes his mother had sent, but she realized it would be Walter who would lose. Walter didn’t seem too excited to leave, and that helped Maddie in a weird, sadistic sort of way. But her pain was still very intense. She would miss him. They both would.

  Walter was flying home alone. It made both Matt and Maddie very nervous, but Walter continued to assure them he was fine. At the security checkpoint, an attendant was assigned to help him get to his plane, and Walter hugged them both good-bye—something that had taken most of his visit for him to get comfortable with.

  “We’ll miss you,” Maddie said, fighting back tears and forcing a smile.

  “Me too,” he said awkwardly. They all stood there for a few seconds.

  “We love you, Walter,” Maddie finally said. She’d been hoping Matt would say it, but she finally leaped in, not wanting it to go unsaid.

  “Love you too,” Walter muttered. He seemed embarrassed and gave Maddie one last hug before hurrying through the metal detector. He waved once more when he reached the top of the escalators—and they both waved back. Maddie watched until he was out of sight before she turned into Matt’s shoulder and cried like a baby.

  Chapter 37

  Grandmother and her son, Bearcloud, picked Walter up at the airport. Sonja wasn’t home, but Anna met them at the road when they pulled up. She thanked Bearcloud and Grandmother, promised to visit tomorrow, and then helped Walter bring the bags in. “What’s that?” Walter asked when Anna returned outside. She followed his eyes to the small tree in the front yard.

  Anna let out a breath. “It’s a beer tree,” she said, recalling Sonja’s explanation the night before when Anna had asked the same question. “Your mom read a book where someone hung beer cans on a tree. She thought it was cool.”

  Walter looked at the silver cans swaying in the breeze.

  “My mom read a book?” Walter asked.

  Anna laughed and shook her head. Oh, to be so young and so naïve. They headed for the steps. “Not the whole thing,” she said, ruffling his hair. It felt softer than she remembered it. “I’m glad you’re home,” she said. “I’ve missed you.”

  “Where’s Mom?” Walter asked when they got inside.

  “With José,” Anna said, annoyed that his own mother hadn’t come back before Walter got home, but, as always, relieved not to have her around. “She’ll be back soon.”

  As if on cue, Sonja’s truck pulled up out front. With excited eyes, Walter turned and hurried back down the steps, reminding Anna that, for good or bad, Sonja was his mother, and he loved her. In her own way, Anna knew, Sonja loved him too. But as she often did, Anna wondered if Sonja loved him enough or if she loved him the right way.

  “There’s my boy,” Sonja sang as she burst from the truck. Walter didn’t seem to know what to do, but when Sonja hugged him, he hugged her back. “I missed you so much,” she said. He turned to look at Anna, a huge grin on his face. Maybe, Anna thought to herself, having Walter leave now and then will be a good reminder for Sonja. Maybe the break would be good for everyone.

  “I hope you’re fixing something good for dinner,” Sonja said to Anna before smiling at her son again. “This is something to celebrate!”

  “I’ll get right on it,” Anna said, for once not upset to be treated like hired help. Sonja had accepted Anna’s return as easily as she’d accepted her leaving. Not that Anna had been surprised. But she was glad Walter had received such a nice homecoming. She went inside to start a dinner of mutton stew with a smile on her face.

  At almost nine o’clock the phone rang. Sonja picked it up, and Anna was just wondering who it was when Sonja’s face lit up.

  “Why, if it isn’t Matthew Shep himself,” she cooed into the phone, leaning back and smiling. Anna’s
stomach flipped, and she looked at Walter, glad he was absorbed in a TV show. She wished she’d gotten to the phone first.

  “Of course he’s home safe,” Sonja said a few moments later. “No, I don’t think you need to talk to him. You’ve had him to yourself for two months. You’ve got to let him spend some time with his mama—share and share alike, I always say.”

  Anna tried not to make it obvious she was watching, but she kept stealing glances as Sonja continued playing her game with Walter’s dad.

  “I’ll have him give you a call, oh, next week or so. B-bye.” Sonja laughed when she hung up, and Anna turned her attention back to the dishes, humiliated by her sister’s rudeness, though that was nothing new. Her hope that things had changed seemed a little less likely, but she tried to be optimistic.

  Chapter 38

  Matt hung up and swallowed the lump in his throat. His head buzzed at hearing her voice, and his jaw was still clenched from his trying to hold back his temper as she made a fool of him. It was the first time he’d talked to Sonja since high school, and he hoped it would be his last. She made his skin crawl. He hated thinking of Walter returning to that. Walter had been careful not to say too much about Sonja, and Matt was pretty sure he’d been instructed not to—making Matt and Maddie wonder what it was she wanted to hide.

  “Did you talk to him?” Maddie asked, coming downstairs in her pajamas.

  Matt cleared his throat. “No, but he’s home safe.”

  She looked at him for a few moments. “Did you talk to Sonja?”

  He nodded. “She’s awful,” he said. “I hate having Walter there.”

  Maddie just nodded, and he was sure she was biting back the lecture on it being his fault for having conceived a child with the woman. He knew that—boy, did he know it. “I wish he could live with us full time,” he finally said, voicing out loud what he’d been thinking for several days. “But that’s probably ridiculous. I’ve only known he existed for five months.”