Unsung Lullaby

by Josi S. Kilpack

  José rattled off an obscene rhyme about time, and Sonja leaned into him and laughed, “No, really?”

  “Two-fifteen, we got forty-five minutes—perfect.”

  They headed for the car, convincing each other they were walking just fine. José pulled out into the Santa Fe traffic without looking, and a car swerved to the right, honking. Sonja stuck her hand out the window and flipped them off.

  “So tell me where we’re headed,” Sonja said once they got on the highway. José liked to keep the information to himself until right before a hit.

  “This one is a gold mine,” José said, clearly pleased with himself. “My brother used to make deliveries there. It’s a little mom-and-pop gas station in the middle of nowhere, about forty miles from Santa Fe. Most people have an armored car come get their money, but this place is real old-fashioned and don’t like nobody touching their money ’cept the bank. Every Thursday afternoon at three, the manager goes to the back safe and removes all the money they’ve brought in the last week. They close up early, and he drives twenty minutes to make his deposit at the closest bank. I’ll sneak in the back and wait for him to go into the office. My brother drew me a map. You buy something right before they close, and after you pay for it, you pull out the gun and shout ‘freeze.’ That’s my cue. I’ll get the money and slip out the back, and you run out the front where I’ll pick you up.”

  “Won’t the lady remember my face? I can’t hardly browse with a ski mask on.”

  “That’s why I got you the wig,” José snapped.

  “Okay,” Sonja said, then she leaned against the window. “Wake me up when we get there.”

  They had been running their little pranks—that was what José called them—since February. The first one had been a fast-food joint called Boggie’s in Arizona. They had hit it right before closing and made almost two thousand dollars, which they split fifty-fifty. All she had to do was stand at the door and hold a gun on them, and the gun wasn’t even loaded. It beat the pants off of welfare. Never having had much money, she was amazed at how quickly she could spend it when it was available—especially at the rate her vices were growing. It used to be that beer was enough, then vodka, but for the last few months, she and José had been experimenting with other stuff—and liking it.

  Their second prank had been even easier, in Nevada this time. And then they pulled off one in Southern Utah. They had hit another one in Utah on Sunday. But the one they were doing today was different. This time they would be split up. She didn’t like it, but knew it would do her no good to complain. José knew what he was doing; he told her that all the time.

  They pulled up and parked around the side, out of view of the storefront. Sonja adjusted her bleached blonde wig, not commenting on how stupid and fake it looked next to her dark skin. José gave her a very wet good-luck kiss before they went their separate ways. After ten minutes, there was still a customer in the store looking at motor oil. Sonja was feeling uneasy. The man and woman José had told her about were both up front, and they kept looking at her as she browsed aisle after aisle. She ended up in front of the beer display, her mouth suddenly dry.

  “Can I help you find something, dear?”

  Sonja almost jumped out of her skin at the sound of the voice right behind her. “Uh . . . well . . . I’m just trying . . . to make up my mind,” she stammered. The motor-oil man was paying for his purchase.

  The woman smiled as the door swung closed. “Well, you see, we lock up early on Thursdays for inventory. I don’t mean to rush you, but—”

  Sonja grabbed a six-pack of beer. “I’ll just get this, then,” she said, holding the beer out to the woman.

  The woman regarded her with a strange look, but took the six-pack and headed up front. Sonja’s eyes darted around the store as she searched for the man, but he had disappeared. Where had he gone? Was she supposed to pull the gun out before or after she made her purchase?

  “I’ll need to see your ID for this,” the woman said as she punched numbers on the register.

  Sonja froze. ID! She couldn’t show her ID.

  “I’m twenty-six,” Sonja stammered.

  “Like the sign says,” the woman said, pointing to a blue poster with white letters behind the counter, “if you’re lucky enough to look younger than thirty, we’ll need your ID.”

  Sonja didn’t know what to do. Why had she grabbed beer, of all things? The woman behind the counter pinched her eyebrows together and opened her mouth to speak again when Sonja heard shouting from the back. The woman startled and began heading toward the doorway separating the store from the back area. Sonja pulled out the gun and shouted at her to freeze. The woman stopped and looked at her with wide eyes. The voices in the back got louder, and Sonja was trying to hear what José was yelling when the woman moved toward the door. Without thinking, Sonja pulled the trigger. The woman screamed, clutching at her stomach with one hand and the counter with another. Sonja stared in shock as the woman fell to her knees, her face horror-struck and contorted with pain. Sonja’s stomach turned when the blood started seeping between the woman’s fingers. The gun was loaded! Sonja started to shake.

  “Lori!” The man she’d seen earlier came running through the doorway.

  “Don’t touch her!” Sonja shouted, uncertain what to do and still searching for José. The man ignored her and bent over the woman. “I said don’t touch her!” Sonja yelled again, trying to come up with some idea of what she should do. What would José tell her? Where was José? The man looked up, and his face contorted into an angry snarl as he stood and put one hand on the counter to help himself jump over it. He had just started putting weight on the arm when Sonja pulled the trigger again on impulse. The man took it in the shoulder and fell back, knocking the woman from her knees to the floor. The woman’s screams turned to moans, and the man grabbed his shoulder and rolled onto his other side, rocking back and forth between grunts of pain. The gun fell from Sonja’s hands as she stepped backwards into a candy display, sending it and herself sprawling to the floor. José emerged from the back room, hurried around the two bodies on the floor, and ran around the counter toward her.

  Sonja, standing again, put her shaking arms out toward him and started sobbing. “José—didn’t mean to—the gun—it was loaded—she—he—” With a cold look on his face, José walked right up to her and squeezed her jaw hard with one large hand. “Idiot,” he said between his teeth. He swore and backhanded her across the face, spinning her around until she smashed into the counter.

  The last thing she heard was the sound of tires squealing from the parking lot.

  Chapter 47

  Matt got the call Thursday afternoon—the answer to his prayers and the mark of a new life for many people. He was home from work by then. Maddie was taking a nap with Esther. His stomach sank to his toes as he listened to Anna on the other end of the line explain what had been happening the last few days.

  “After this call, I’m going to call the social worker, to make sure the tribe and state are involved and there’s a record of what’s happened. But I called you first so you could get working on the custody stuff.” She sounded so grown-up and so tired. “I think you’ll be able to come get him and take him home right away. This isn’t the first time she’s left us alone so long. I just want to make sure it’s the last.”

  Matt absorbed the information as best he could, impressed with her choice while realizing what a hard one it was for her to make. “What will happen to you?” he asked. “Do you have somewhere to go?”

  “I’ll stay with friends, finish school. Then maybe I’ll come to Salt Lake for college so I can be closer to Walter. I . . . don’t want him to forget me, or think I’ve abandoned him. I really have done everything I can.” Her voice broke a little, but she repaired it—as if he didn’t know how difficult this was for her.

  “I know you have,” Matt said. It was hard to believe he’d never met this girl, with the role she played in Walter’s life. “Walter talks about you all
the time, and we’re so grateful for all you’ve done.” He paused. “My wife and I have been really worried about him, and the only comfort we’ve had has been knowing that you were taking care of him. We’ll make sure you two see one another and stay close, I promise.”

  Anna said nothing, and he continued. “I’m so sorry this happened.” And yet, he wasn’t. Walter was coming to them—it was impossible not to be excited about that.

  It was almost an hour before the social worker, Mr. Greenspan, called. Matt had his bags packed and a flight scheduled for that night. He wasn’t sure whether to let the official know he’d talked to Anna, but was saved from making the decision.

  “After speaking with Anna Begay, right after she spoke with you, we did a routine search for your son’s mother and found her in Santa Fe.”

  Matt’s heart sank to his toes. Getting custody would be easier if Sonja had stayed gone. “Oh,” he said flatly, wishing he had discussed that possibility with his attorney when he’d spoken to him.

  “She and a boyfriend were arrested for armed robbery and attempted murder yesterday morning. The system would have found the kids soon enough, but Anna beat them to it. Mrs. Hudson will be arraigned on Monday.”

  “What does that mean for Walter?” Matt asked.

  “It means you need to come to New Mexico and appear before a tribal court. I understand you already have joint custody; that will help. I’ve already spoken to a tribal representative who will help you with your petition to the court,” Mr. Greenspan said. “How soon can you be here?”

  “Tonight,” Matt said. “My flight leaves here at 6:17. I land in Albuquerque at 7:49.”

  “Walter is in Gallup, at the Indian Child Welfare office,” Mr. Greenspan said. “That’s a couple hours from Albuquerque. I recommend you stay there tonight and get Walter in the morning. We can place him in a shelter home for the night.”

  “No offense, sir, but my son has had quite a day, and I’d prefer he not spend the night with strangers when I’ve come so far to get him.”

  Mr. Greenspan paused, but he agreed. Matt hung up and kissed Maddie and Esther good-bye.

  “I wish I could come with you,” Maddie said, holding Esther against her shoulder.

  Matt smiled, and the full impact descended upon him. Walter was coming to join their family, to make them whole. “Me too,” he said, and yet he realized that as Walter’s father, it was his job to protect him, to bring him home. The feeling of importance helped make up for the helplessness he’d felt for all these months when he didn’t know what was happening, or if Walter was safe. “I’ll call you when I’ve got Walter.”

  ****

  “Dad!” Walter yelled when Matt entered the ICW office in Gallup around ten o’clock. Walter ran toward him at breakneck speed, giving Matt just enough time to bend and catch him. “You came!”

  “Of course I came,” Matt said with a smile. He looked up to see a portly Navajo man, in his fifties, Matt guessed, whom he assumed was Mr. Greenspan. “I got here as fast as I could. Thank you for waiting.”

  Mr. Greenspan gave him a tired smile. That was when Matt noticed the girl he assumed was Anna, sitting in a chair on the far wall. She had the stoic blank expression Walter often used when he was trying to hide his feelings, but her eyes were sad. Matt smiled at her, and she looked at her hands in her lap, her long, dark hair falling forward and hiding her face.

  “Well,” Mr. Greenspan said, standing and shaking the wrinkles from his faded slacks. “I need to get Miss Begay to the group home. I told her she could wait until you arrived.”

  Matt swallowed. Talk about a knife through the heart. Walter seemed to be putting pieces together. “Am I going home with you?” Walter asked, a touch of sadness in his voice.

  Matt smiled, “Yeah.”

  “Mr. Greenspan said Mom’s not coming home,” he said, looking at Matt for confirmation.

  Matt sat down so that he was eye level with his son. “Your mom loves you, Walter,” he said, though it was hard for him to believe it, based on what she had done. “But she did some bad things, and she has to make them right. You’ll see her again, I promise. I’m sorry it happened this way, but Maddie and I are very excited to have you come live with us.”

  “What about Anna?” Walter asked, his voice almost a whisper. “Can’t she come too?”

  Matt glanced up at Mr. Greenspan, who shook his head and cleared his throat. It made so much sense to have her come with them, and Matt had been thinking about it, but he didn’t know the answers.

  “The tribe will decide,” Mr. Greenspan said. “She’ll live with a Navajo family. It’s tradition.”

  “But I’m Navajo. How come I can go with you and Maddie, and Anna can’t?” Walter asked with confusion and frustration.

  “I’m your dad,” Matt said. “But not Anna’s.” He looked at her, though she wasn’t looking at him. “I very much wish she could come with us,” he said. Anna looked up, startled by the offer. “And if there is a way we can make it work, I’ll do it.”

  “You’d have to take it up with the tribe,” Mr. Greenspan said. “But the chances are slim. I’ll be turning her over to the tribal social worker when I get to the group home. Speaking of which . . .”

  Anna nodded and stood with a look of resignation on her face. She came over to Walter, and Matt moved out of the way. She said something in Navajo, and Walter nodded.

  “I love you, shash,” she whispered. “You are Diné, of the Salt Clan, and we are family no matter where we are.”

  Tears began to fall from Walter’s eyes, and he hugged Anna tightly. She hugged him back, and Matt tried to keep his own tears at bay.

  A few minutes later, Matt and Walter stood next to the rental car as Anna got into Mr. Greenspan’s Ford Escort wagon. “You’ll need to stay over for the weekend,” Mr. Greenspan was saying. “A tribal hearing will be set up sometime next week—will that be a problem?”

  Matt shook his head. “My attorney expected as much.”

  Walter was quiet as they drove to the nearest motel. “What does shash mean?” Matt asked.

  “It’s the Navajo word for bear. Anna calls me that sometimes,” he said.

  “And Diné?”

  “The name of the Navajo people,” he said even more quietly.

  He wasn’t only leaving his home and his aunt and mother, he was leaving his people. “Walter,” Matt said as they pulled into the parking lot, “Anna was right.” Walter looked up at him. “The two of you are family. Maddie and I love you, and we’ll do whatever we can to help Anna and to help you. We don’t want to take anything away from you. Do you understand that?”

  Walter nodded, but Matt knew he didn’t understand. Not really.

  “I love you, Walter,” Matt said, realizing he’d never said it before and seeing the power of the words reflected in the eyes of his son. “Everything is going to be all right.”

  Chapter 48

  You’re okay?” Maddie asked for the fifth time as she paced back and forth, bouncing a squirming Esther in the waiting area of the Salt Lake Temple. It was September first, the day Esther would be sealed to them, but Maddie hated leaving Walter out here. There were other family members waiting with him, but still. He belonged to them as much as Esther did, yet in this way he didn’t.

  Walter nodded and smiled, taking in the grandeur of the room with typical boredom. “I’m fine,” he said, sounding very grown-up for ten and a half. His hair was long enough that he wore it in two braids, and the red leather bands stood out against his white shirt. Maddie hardly noticed the difference between him and most other boys his age—except when he asked her to help him braid his hair. She’d never imagined doing her son’s hair in quite that way, but it was part of who he was—Walter.

  “Matthew and Madeline Shep?” a temple worker asked. Maddie smiled, then turned to find Matt, who was talking with his parents on the other side of the room. He acknowledged the announcement, finished his conversation, and hurried to join his wife and daughter.r />
  “You okay?” he asked Walter.

  “Yes,” Walter said, shaking his head. “I’m fine.”

  Maddie kissed him on the forehead, handed Esther to Matt, and walked toward the staircase leading to the sealing rooms. She took one final look at Walter and headed down the stairs, ignoring the tug at her heart. Walter’s last name had been legally changed to Shep last month, making them a family in another way. Matt had also tried to terminate Sonja’s parental rights so that Maddie could adopt Walter, but the Navajo issues made it nearly impossible. And unless Maddie could become his legal mother, he could never be sealed to them. But Walter had yet to be baptized anyway, making the sealing a moot point for the present. However, if she’d learned anything at all, it was that life was much more full of joy when she trusted in the Lord. She was making the conscious effort to trust that someday, whether in this life or the next, it would all be worked out the way it should.

  Some time later, as she and Matt knelt across from one another, she looked deep into her husband’s eyes as her mom placed Esther on the altar, her small hand placed on top of theirs. The sealer evoked the blessings of the covenant upon them, sealing them to their daughter and reminding them of their stewardship to her. Maddie’s heart was full as she looked through the same mirrors she’d stared into on her wedding day. In a way this was a renewal of their vows, and she felt regret that not all couples got to experience this. It was a powerful thing to relive the blessings evoked upon them on their wedding day and to hear them including Esther by name.

  After the ceremony, they had family pictures taken on the temple grounds before going to a luncheon at their ward house. It was a magnificent day in every sense of the word. So many desires remembered. So many dreams realized. Their son and daughter beside them.

  The next day, Matt gave Esther a name and a blessing in front of their congregation. Maddie put an arm around Walter’s shoulders and gave him a squeeze, hoping he felt the Spirit as she had these last two days.