by Tia Siren
“Kylie, I miss you so much,” he said leaning forward. “All of this has not been because of my feelings for you. It has been because of my fears. I care about you so much. That has never been a question in my mind. I want you to know that.”
“I understand that,” I said sweetly. “But I’m really trying to be understanding of the other part of your life. Being without you doesn’t seem right, but I have to respect your choices, and that is very hard for me.”
“I know,” he said, sitting back. “It’s hard for me too. It’s very confusing.”
He had a look in his eyes as if he were really in pain, like this decision was tearing him apart. I wanted so badly to wrap my arms around him, to bring him to me and make him realize how we were all supposed to be together, but I couldn’t. I had to respect his space, the things he wanted and didn’t want. It was my job to do that and to protect my heart in case he couldn’t find his place with me, Grant, and the baby. I couldn’t sit there, though, and wait, wondering if he was ever going to make a move. I had to be stern and strong in my feelings and thoughts about this because my responsibility was no longer to myself. It was to the baby and Grant.
“I wish I could wait for you for a lifetime,” I said quietly. “And I know that part of me will if you don’t come back to us, but I need your answer soon. I can’t be in limbo, and we have things to decide and actions to take when it comes to bringing a child into this world. I don’t want to rush you, but I don’t have much of a choice.”
“I understand that,” he said. “I applied to be the dean.”
“I know,” I said, looking down. “Grant told me.”
“I’ll have an answer for you after the announcement for dean on Monday,” I said. “I have been trying to work through everything faster, to give you an answer long before that, but I haven’t been able to. So, ready or not, when that announcement is made, I will let you know where we all stand. I know it isn’t fair to rest these things on my career, but it’s important to me. Whether that is selfish or not, it’s just how it is.”
“I’m not going to judge you,” I said, faking a smile this time. “Everyone is free to make their own choices in life. All I can do is accept them and move on with my life in the manner in which I see best. You’re going to get the dean position, though. You’re perfect for the job, and you will really help these students get past this tragedy with Jeffrey and Arthur. The president would be stupid to not take you as the dean, no matter how young you are.”
“Kylie,” he said, leaning forward with hurt in his eyes. “You know what that means if I make dean, right?”
“You get a fancy new office?”
“That, yes,” he smiled kindly. “But if I make dean, I don’t see how there is any way we can be together. It’s one thing for a professor to be sleeping with a student. They can sweep that under the rug but not the dean and not on the heels of what just happened. It would be a drama that the school may never recover from, and it wouldn’t be fair of me to walk in there with that intention. Do you understand that? I hate that it has to be that way.”
I swallowed hard, my heart moving up into my throat. I was hurt, and I had every right to be. He hadn’t been offered that position out of the blue. He had applied for it. He had intentionally put his name in for the job knowing he would not be able to be with us if he got the position. Maybe that was even part of the reason he did apply, to have an excuse. I didn’t know. I was hurting, and that was making me angry all over again. I didn’t want to lash out at him, but I could feel myself getting to that point. I felt like he thought I was stupid, like I wouldn’t see what he had done.
“I understand,” I said standing up. “It’s a big responsibility. You have to make sacrifices, I get it. I’m going to get going before the snow starts to stick. Good luck with your job.”
“Kylie,” he said, calling after me.
I ignored it and kept going, knowing the next words would be out of anger and not understanding. I gave him what he wanted, the permission to be comfortable with his choice and that was that. I got in my car and headed back home, trying to calm myself down. At least he had taken the time to be honest with me, but I now knew why he didn’t have Grant there. Grant would have called him out in front of me.
“Hey,” Piper said, smiling as I walked through the door. “Uh-oh, what’s up?”
“Ben called me to his place,” I said. “He told me he cares about me, he was sorry for being such an ass, and then told me that if he gets the job as dean, we can’t be together. I guess I knew that deep down, but it really upsets me. He applied for that position knowing that would be the outcome if he got it. It’s really hurtful.”
“I would expect so.” Piper shook her head. “That is a really dick move on his part. What did Grant say?”
“He didn’t invite him to the talk.” I chuckled.
“Of course, he didn’t,” she said.
“I’m going to go lie down,” I said, walking down the hall.
I just wanted to be alone.
Chapter 31
Grant
I picked up the dumbbells and started to lift, looking at my body in the mirror. Ben was next to me doing chest presses with a spotter. We were finally back at the gym together, which was something I had really missed. Working out by myself in the gym felt weird because I had almost always come there with him, so I had been working out at home for a while. I had a treadmill and weights there, but it didn’t feel the same. Working out with Ben had been a physical workout, but it was also a time for us to talk through things that we had on our minds. It was hard to talk through things by yourself in your basement workout room.
I didn’t want to jump right into the Kylie conversation. It was a sensitive topic, though I assumed he had come there with me to discuss it eventually. It had been quite a while since we had even really spoken to each other, much less had a heart-to-heart about our love life. I had tried to call Kylie before I left to let her know I was going to see Ben, but Piper answered her phone and said that she was still sleeping. The poor girl was exhausted all the time. It didn’t matter, though. I would tell her later when I checked in with her again. It was probably better not to get her all worried anyway, I wanted her to stay as calm as possible during this whole transition. She was so perfect and so fragile at that time, and I felt terrible that we were having to go through all of this with Ben. I was hoping he would have some good news since he asked to get together.
I hated not talking to Ben on a daily basis anymore. He had been my best friend for a couple of years now, and I had never had a friend like that. On top of that, he was the third person in our relationship and that meant something to me. We were an amazing team together, and not just him and me but him, me, and Kylie too. We read each other like no one I’ve ever been with before, and all it took was a head nod or a short remark for us to know what the other was thinking. I really enjoyed having sex with Kylie when he was there, and I knew that if he didn’t come around, things were going to be different. I loved Kylie no matter what, and I would be there for her and that baby, but I knew without Ben in the picture, something would be missing, and it would stay that way for a long time.
I had never been the guy who had a ton of friends, and I never really opened up to anyone until I’d met Ben. That was how I knew he was a brother to me. I could tell him my deepest thoughts and darkest fantasies, and he didn’t care. He was right there on the same page as me. Nothing about me put him off, and we were always able to say it straight to one another. That was what I had planned on doing that day, telling it to Ben straight so there was no misunderstanding of what he was doing to Kylie and me. He was going to regret leaving her and that baby if he chose to do so. I knew that because I knew him. He was not the shark he was attempting to be, and I was trying desperately to make him see that in himself. I didn’t want him to regret giving up the best thing he’d ever had for a promotion that would never fully satisfy him.
We were getting ready to have a baby
with Kylie, and every single day, she was getting further and further along. He was missing it all, and though the tiredness, weepiness, and mood swings weren’t all that fun, it was all part of the beautiful process. I didn’t care if my sperm made that baby or not. I was there, as much a part of it as everyone else. I felt a connection to the child growing inside of her, and I was determined I would be there for it and for Kylie for as long as they wanted me there. I knew Ben wasn’t going to want to miss out on having that child, of being a family, and even if he thought so now, he would change his mind later. Professional success could only take you so far. After that, it was the things you did in your life, the people you surround yourself with that made the process all worth it in the end.
“You ready for the treadmill?” Ben asked, slapping me on the back.
“Yeah,” I replied, shaking myself out of my inner thoughts.
We jumped on the treadmills in the corner and started going. I knew he picked these for privacy, and he knew I couldn’t go the entire time without bringing up Kylie. It was too important in our lives not to talk about it.
“Kylie is over two months along now,” I said, starting the conversation. “She talks about you constantly and can’t spend more than five minutes alone with me without crying about the whole situation.”
“I talked to her,” he said, surprising me.
“You did? When?”
“I asked her to come over last night and talk to me,” he replied. “I wanted to talk to her alone to get an idea of what she was thinking. I told her if I got the dean position, we couldn’t be together. I think she understood, but she was angry. I could tell.”
“What?” I was pissed.
“Why are you pissed? Because I had her alone without you?”
“No, you idiot,” I said, turning off the treadmill. “Because that is complete bullshit. It’s not like you were offered that position. You applied for it. You applied for it knowing if you took it, you would cut things off with her and that baby. Where is your damn brain?”
“Calm down, Grant,” he said, glancing over at me. “It’s just until she graduates, which I would have explained to her, but she went running out before I could. You know I couldn’t take that position and be fathering a child with a student. That is exactly what they’re trying to get away from, not invite into the office.”
“So, don’t take the position,” I said.
“Come on. If I take that, when she graduates, we’ll be set for money, stability, and everything else,” he replied.
“Don’t act like you’re doing this for her and that baby,” I said, pointing at him. “You’re doing it for your own aspirations, and if things work out with Kylie in the end, great. If not, you will move on with your life. There are ways around this, Ben. It’s not a black and white situation. We can come up with a plan that will keep us all safe, and make it so you can have your cake and eat it too. I can’t believe you would just give up on this like that.”
“I’m not giving up,” he said. “But I refuse to let this all push me to a standstill. I have to be allowed to be my own person too.”
“You’re right, and you are your own person,” I replied. “We still haven’t actually been caught and punished for that picture, and as far as I know, the President is dropping it.”
“Because we took down the dean,” he said. “How would it look if Kylie is pregnant, which the school will find out about eventually, and I withdraw my interest in the dean position? It will point directly back at that picture. The president isn’t stupid.”
“I can’t believe you’re being this selfish,” I said, shaking my head and toweling off the treadmill. “Kylie is pregnant with a child from one of us, and we had a really good thing going on. I don’t know where your damn brain is right now.”
“It’s on the future,” he snapped. “Not just the right now but down the road too. No one is going to be okay if Kylie has a baby—that I don’t even know is mine or not by the way—and everyone ends up without jobs. What will you do then, Grant? I don’t understand why you don’t get it, the man who always had the plan.”
“The plan is up for change depending on what life throws at you. I’ve always known that,” I said. “You’re being so damn selfish, and I can’t even recognize you anymore. Kylie is at her house sleeping like crazy because she has a baby that’s as much mine as yours, regardless of DNA, growing inside of her, and she needs all the help she can get.”
“And she will get it. I’m sorry it’s not on your watch,” he said turning to me.
“You need to get your shit together before you totally fuck things up,” I said, pointing at him. “In your own life and in Kylie’s too.”
I walked off the treadmill and straight back to the locker rooms where I gathered my things and left. I didn’t even look over at Ben who was standing there breathing heavily when I walked away. He was going to make his bed, and I already knew he would hate it after a while. I wish Kylie had called me the night before, told me what he’d said to her. At the same time, she was hurt, had no idea I was meeting him that day, and didn’t have to run to me with every little thing. If Ben was going to be a complete moron, then I would step up my game and become enough family for the three of us with or without Ben in the picture.
This child was going to deserve the best he could have, and I didn’t want to fight Ben to provide it for him or her. I wanted Kylie’s life to go smoothly, for her to have the opportunities that Ben and I already had. I wanted her to chase her dreams while being the amazing mother I knew she was going to be. She had already shown me she could put the baby before anything and anyone else, and I hated to see her scratching and clawing to hold onto someone that had already abandoned her in her time of need.
I jumped in my car and sped out, not wanting to see Ben for a long time unless he came to his senses. This was not a game. People’s futures were on the line, and Ben couldn’t think of anyone but himself. I hoped that my words hit him in the heart. He deserved to have more than a guilty conscious. I was so angry that I didn’t even know what to do with myself. When I got home, I went directly down to my home gym and jumped on the treadmill, putting it on high and taking off.
As the sweat poured from my forehead, I worked through the thoughts in my head, trying to come up with a plan that could make Ben see. Maybe I was wrong about working out at home by myself. Maybe I didn’t need Ben’s words to get through my thoughts. I could hear my feet slapping the treadmill rhythmically as I stared out the basement window at the snow collecting slowly on the ground. Kylie had become the most important thing in my life, and I had to work this all out if for no one other than her.
Chapter 32
Kylie
My hand slipped off the desk as I stared down into the microscope. I was in the chemistry lab finishing up my midterm for that semester. I was the only one there since I had several midterms so close together, and the professor let me come in on an off time. I had straight As in his class, so he knew he could trust me to do this and do it right without him constantly staring down at me. He poked his head in the door and looked in on me from time to time, but the place was dead silent otherwise.
“You are doing okay?” The professor stuck his head in like he could read my mind.
“Yeah,” I smiled. “Just a little tired, that’s all.”
“You’re almost done,” he said with a nod.
“Yep,” I said, shaking my head and looking back down at the last question.
I scribbled down the answer and walked the paper over to him, putting it in his hand. He scanned it quickly to make sure I had completed everything. I glanced up at the clock and realized it was afternoon, and they would be announcing the new dean at any moment.
“Looks good,” he said. “Good luck on your other midterms.”
“Thanks,” I smiled. “I’ll clean up, and lock the door when I leave.”
“Perfect,” he replied, walking around the corner.
I started to clean up my mes
s, hoping I would escape the campus before the announcement was made. I didn’t know, with the hormones raging through me, that I could keep from crying if Ben was announced. I was a mess, and I knew it, but I also knew things would get better as time moved along. I put the microscope back in its place and wiped off the counter before grabbing my bag and heading for the door. As I reached up for the light switch, the loudspeaker overhead crackled. They rarely ever used the thing, but I already knew what they were going to announce.
“Attention, students and faculty,” the voice said. “We would like your attention for just one moment. In light of recent events, we have hired a new Dean of Students to oversee the campus for this year and beyond. We are pleased to announce that Doctor Ben Ross, a former professor with us, will be taking over the position. If you need to see the dean, all steps to make an appointment still apply. The dean will have limited availability until he has become accustomed to the position. Please take this time to congratulate the youngest dean in our school’s history.”
The loudspeaker shut off, and I stood there with my hand shaking over the light switch. The sound of someone in the hall startled me from my thoughts, and I switched off the light and shut the door, making sure it was locked. I was happy for him, truly. He had kicked ass, taken names, and worked himself to the top really fast. This was a huge deal for Ben, but it was also a huge deal for me and the life growing inside of me. I knew what this meant. It meant Ben would not be part of our lives anymore. My heart felt like it was breaking as I walked to his class, wondering if he would actually be there after news of the new promotion.