On the Outside

by Siera Maley

  “I’ll talk to him about it,” she decided, and beside her, I winced inwardly. Evan was a smart guy. He was going to see right through this.

  ***

  “Riley knows I can see right through her, right?”

  I sighed into my phone and told Evan, lying flat on my bed, “Probably not. She’s just trying to help, though.”

  “She hasn’t shut up about Abigail Haggard all week.”

  “I know.”

  “And the thing is, I know I overreacted at lunch on Tuesday. I regret it. Especially now that it’s apparently got Riley on a mission to force me to move on. Now I’m just even more convinced she wants to go out with that guy. Why else would she care so much about me getting over her?”

  “She could just want you to feel better,” I suggested, but I knew that I was lying, so it felt a little futile. “Or… I mean, even if she was interested in him, so what? It could still be a combination of the two. She obviously cares about you.”

  “Yeah, but I don’t want to go out with Abigail. I mean… not that she isn’t attractive, but I’m not exactly looking for a new girlfriend yet.”

  “I’ll tell her to back off,” I promised him.

  “Thanks.” He sighed. “I’m glad you’ve been here for me. I’d have gone crazy if you hadn’t been around to keep me sane these past few weeks. If I ever go off to an Ivy League school and make some big mathematical breakthrough and win an award for it, I’ll totally send you the trophy.”

  “I think I’ll settle for a mention in your acceptance speech,” I joked.

  “Deal.”

  I shifted on my bed and moved my phone to my other ear. “So I want to tell you something,” I gathered the courage to say, and hoped Riley wouldn’t be angry with me for it later. We’d agreed to wait to tell him we were into each other, but I’d wondered since last Friday if maybe easing him into the idea of Riley and me could make it easier for him to accept it. Baby steps, so to speak.

  “What’s up?” His tone was serious, like he realized I wasn’t joking around with him anymore. “You alright?”

  “Yeah, I’m okay.” I hesitated, and then was silent for a few seconds too long, because Evan spoke up before I could.

  “Kayla? Are you still there?”

  “Yeah, sorry. Um. Remember Nicole’s birthday? And that whole thing that happened?”

  “Of course.” His tone hadn’t changed, and I knew that there was no going back. Before now, I’d managed to convince him that Grace kissing me was officially joke-worthy, even if it’d seemed serious when he initially saw it happen. Now that I’d brought it up again like this, there was no way he’d let the topic die without having a serious talk about it first.

  So rather than draw it out any longer, I just said it. “I talked her into kissing me, not the other way around. She covered for me when you caught us.”

  I swallowed hard when he was silent, feeling my pulse quicken the longer I waited for him to answer.

  And then he asked, “Why did you lie to me?”

  “Because I was scared of the truth,” I said, chewing on the inside of my cheek anxiously.

  “And what’s the truth?”

  “I guess…” Here was where the baby steps came in. “I guess I was curious. You know summer was a little weird for me, and I wanted attention. I thought I wanted it from her. I don’t know.”

  “Do you think you’re…?” he trailed off, and then amended, “You dated Josh, though, so you liked him, right?”

  I let out a slow breath. “Yes, I liked Josh. But.”

  I paused, and Evan pressed, “But…?”

  “I’m… not totally sure I can rule out liking girls.”

  “Holy crap, Kayla.” He sounded excited, but I knew it wasn’t in the way it might’ve seemed, coming from a boy. He was just genuinely happy for me. “So you might be bisexual?”

  “I think so. Maybe.” I hesitated. “Probably.”

  “Who else knows? Does Riley know?”

  “Yes, but you’re the second to find out,” I told him.

  “When did you tell her?”

  “Um, Friday. When she spent the night,” I lied. I couldn’t tell him that she’d found out practically right before she’d broken up with him, because I was certain he’d connect the dots if I did.

  “You know, I wondered!” he marveled. “After you and Grace. Because you were really into it. I told you I wondered! And I was right!”

  “Yeah, yeah,” I deadpanned, unable to hold back a smile. “Pat yourself on the back.”

  “Oh, I will.” I could hear the curiosity in his voice growing, and so it didn’t surprise me when he bombarded me with questions. “You have to date a girl now, you know that, right? I mean, it’s practically a rite of passage. How did it happen, though? I mean, did you just go all Katy Perry with Grace and then feel something? Are you into anyone? I mean, not Riley obviously, because that’d be weird and gross. I still can’t believe I got paranoid enough to go there. But that Vanessa girl you hang out with is cute. Oh, is that why you’re going on that double date with her? To cock-block that guy she likes?”

  I swallowed hard, my heart settling somewhere in my stomach. “Um. No, Vanessa’s just my friend. But maybe I’ll date a girl. I don’t know. I just wanted to tell you so you knew.”

  “Well, I appreciate it. Oh! I just realized we can talk about girls together now! That’s gonna be cool. Hey, do you think Jenna Coleman’s hot? That’s the girl that plays the Doctor’s companion on Doctor Who. Or what about Zoe Saldana? We gotta compare types sometime.”

  “Oh, um… yeah, I guess.” I shook my head, squeezing my eyes shut. “Look, I really should go. I haven’t showered yet. I’ll see you at school tomorrow?”

  “Yeah, sure. I won’t say a word to anyone, of course.”

  “Thanks. Bye.”

  I hung up and heaved a sigh, too disappointed to even make the effort to set my phone back down on my nightstand.

  “Weird and gross,” I echoed Evan’s words, feeling sick to my stomach. “Great.”

  Even worse, I now had to sit on my bed and text Riley an update of everything that’d just happened. She called me a few minutes later and said, “I can’t believe you told him.”

  “Are you angry?”

  “No, of course not,” she insisted. “I’m really happy for you. And I’m glad he took it well. I mean, I wish I’d gotten a heads up, but that part was your secret to tell. And I’ll act like I didn’t know until last Friday.”

  “But it didn’t help us like I thought it would,” I admitted. “It actually might’ve made things worse.”

  “Well… maybe that’s okay,” Riley decided. “Sometimes love can wait in exchange for a stronger friendship, right?”

  “I wish friendship could just coexist with love without anyone having to wait for acceptance,” I mumbled.

  “That’s probably how Evan felt about you all summer,” Riley pointed out.

  “Yeah,” I conceded. “But he still got to be with you. Well, theoretically. The whole lesbianism thing kind of threw a wrench in that plan. But he got to hold your hand. I’d like to hold your hand.”

  “We hold hands,” she pointed out.

  “You know what I mean.” I sighed, and then told her, “You know you have to stop pushing Abigail on him, right? He’s not interested. At least not now.”

  “Yeah, I know,” she agreed, though she sounded disappointed about it. “Distracting him won’t work. Maybe I should just tell him I’m gay.”

  “That’s an awful idea. Please be kidding.”

  “Relax. Yes, I was kidding. His ego would be obliterated and he’d also immediately know we’ve been making googly eyes at each other behind his back.”

  “Gross,” I laughed out, but I was thankful for the attempt to cheer me up.

  “It’s not. Not really,” she said. “He just has to get used to the idea. Which will take a while after we come clean. But eventually it’ll be okay.”

  “What if it isn’t?
” I asked her.

  “It has to be. Because I’ve decided that I won’t let it not be. He can think what he wants of me, but I won’t let him blame you for this.”

  “That’s kind of romantic,” I said, smiling into the phone. “Do you treat all of your conquests like this?”

  “Mhmm. All one of them.”

  “Evan’s right,” I decided. “We’re totally weird and gross.”

  Riley laughed, and then I heard her kiss the air. “Muah! Alright, I’m going to bed. Wish me sweet dreams; last night I dreamt I skated down a ramp that stretched all the way up into the clouds. On the way down I was worried about dying, but plot twist: I lived, and at the bottom, Dylan and Evan were fighting over who was going to marry me and you were off making out with Josh.”

  “You did not dream that.”

  “I did! Swear. You don’t get nightmares about us being with boys? Must be a gay thing.”

  “I get nightmares about showing up to cheerleading practice naked,” I laughed. “Like normal people.”

  “Funnily enough, that’s actually one of my good dreams of you.”

  I scoffed and rolled my eyes at my phone. “You’re hilarious. Goodnight.”

  “Night!”

  I hung up and tossed the phone onto my bed with another laugh and a shake of my head, unable to get rid of my smile. Girlfriend or not, Riley could make me happy like no one else could.

  I stood and headed into the bathroom to take a shower, pausing in front of the mirror to give myself a quick once-over. I look nearly identical to how I had on the night of my junior Prom – before the addition of the heavy makeup and the changes to my hair, of course – but on the inside, I felt totally different.

  I kind of felt more like me.

  Chapter Eleven

  Now that Nicole was back in school and living with Grace, I ate dinners alone with my mother on nights she wasn’t too tired to cook after work.

  Telling Evan that I liked girls had put the idea into my head to tell my mom and my sister, but I had reservations about both of them. With Nicole, I knew she’d immediately guess that there was something going on between Riley and me, and I wasn’t sure I was ready for that to come out yet when we were trying so hard to keep it airtight until we told Evan. Additionally, she’d want to know how I’d figured out I liked girls and would insist on me not leaving out any details, so she’d probably get the kiss with Grace out of me eventually. And I didn’t want to potentially screw up their friendship.

  With Mom, my reasons were simpler: I just wasn’t sure how she’d take it.

  I suspected she wouldn’t be completely horrified, given that Nicole had mentioned Grace’s girl drama in her presence and that hadn’t been an issue. But my mom was the kind of mother who’d go on and on about how perfect my wedding was going to be and about how she couldn’t wait to have grandchildren. She’d mourned my relationship with Josh a little too much for me to be totally comfortable with telling her there was a pretty large chance I wouldn’t be dating any boys again for a while, if at all. And sure, she still had Nicole, but I was the youngest. Her “little girl”.

  Riley was experiencing a similar dilemma. I met her down by the creek one evening, and we talked about it while Evan was on his way. We’d all agreed to bring our backpacks and work on our homework together, like we’d used to in middle school. We weren’t in all of the same classes anymore, obviously, but it still felt like a good opportunity to get the work done without it feeling like such a chore.

  “You know how my mom is.” Riley sighed and rested her head against the trunk of the tree we’d built our shelter up against. Her Calculus book rested, open, on her lap. “She was devastated enough when I told her I didn’t want to go to church anymore. I’ve been avoiding telling her for years. Partially because I was hoping I could find the ‘right guy’ and avoid it entirely, but given that there isn’t a right guy, it’s kind of inevitable at this point. And you know my dad’s a total pushover.”

  “Maybe they’ll both surprise you,” I offered. “I mean, I wouldn’t have guessed Nicole was cool with living with a lesbian, but look at her now.”

  “She’s not old, though. And she’s in college. Back when our parents were in college, I’m pretty sure schools were still segregated.”

  “They’re not that old.”

  “Feels like they are,” she mumbled. “And anyway, why does coming out even have to be a thing? People don’t have to come out as red-haired, even though that isn’t super common either.”

  “Well, red-haired people are visibly red-haired, and they also aren’t discriminated against.”

  Riley scoffed. “Uh, not true. Gingers don’t have souls? Also, there are totally people that are visibly gay. Like me. Otherwise Grace wouldn’t have called me out.”

  “You are not visibly gay,” I told her. “You’re, like, the perfect amount. Gay people can tell you’re gay and straight people are clueless. That’s perfect.”

  She sighed. “Well, I’d rather be invisible.”

  I glanced over at her with a smile, then went back to skimming the second chapter of my Statistics textbook. “Anyway, the point is, hair color isn’t an appropriate metaphor, and people have to come out because it teaches other people that they need to be careful who they hate because it could be someone that they love.”

  “Kayla dropping some knowledge. Nice.”

  I twisted around hastily at the sound of Evan’s voice to see him jogging toward us, a grin on his face. I relaxed when I realized he’d only caught the last bit of our conversation. “Hey!” I called out, a little too brightly. “What’d you bring?”

  “Calculus.”

  “Looks like we’re all doing math,” said Riley. “Me too.”

  “Too bad we aren’t in the same class or we’d have the same assignment,” Evan replied. I scooted over so that he could slide into the shelter next to me, and wound up with both my knee and shoulder pressed up against Riley’s. “Not a bad first couple of weeks, though, right?”

  “I wish they wouldn’t dump so much homework on us right off the bat, but yeah, I like my classes,” I admitted.

  “You guys doing cheerleading tryouts yet?” he asked me. “I saw a poster that said they start on Monday in the hallway this morning.”

  “Why? Interested?” I joked.

  “Not exactly. It’s just that you’re gonna get busy once those get going, and we probably won’t see you around as much.”

  “I’ll make time this year. Last year I had Josh, and this year I… just have you guys,” I said quickly, and felt Riley dig her elbow into my side in warning.

  “Good, because I don’t know how we’d hang out without you. I can’t stand being alone with Riley.” He said this with a grin, and looked past me to Riley, who rolled her eyes in response.

  “Oh, whatever. You’re just worried you’ll have to start getting your ass kicked on Zombie Guts again now that you’ve gotten used to beating Kayla over and over.”

  “I’m nicer to her than that,” Evan insisted. “We do the co-op campaign most of the time.”

  “Don’t lie to me. She tells me stories.”

  “She lies to you!”

  “Evan, solve this for me,” I cut in. I’d only been half-listening to them while I scrutinized problem number five in my statistics book.

  “Wait… where’s your calculator? You know you need it for this, right?”

  “Are you serious? It’s back at home.”

  “Don’t worry. I’ve got one in my bedroom,” Evan told me, already getting to his feet before I could protest. “It’s closer than your house. I’ll be right back.”

  “Thank you,” I said, grateful.

  “No problem.”

  He set his book down and jogged away, and I watched him go until I felt Riley rest her head on my shoulder. I turned to look down at her, then placed my head on top of hers and closed my eyes, just relaxing with her for a moment.

  “Even after we tell him,” she sighed out, “we
still can’t do this in front of him.”

  “So then what changes between us?” I asked her.

  “Probably just what we do when we’re alone. We could change that now, if we wanted, though. If we could stop feeling so badly about it.” She reached for my hand, which rested palm up on my thigh, and brushed her fingers along mine, her hand hovering just over my palm. “I want to kiss you again,” she admitted.

  “So let’s tell him,” I said, half-heartedly. “When he gets back.”

  She moved her hand away and lifted her head, frowning to herself. “I can’t. He’ll know my whole thing with him wasn’t what he thought it was.”

  “And he’ll know that I was having conversations like this with you at the same time that I was trying to console him after you broke up with him. But those things aren’t ever going to be things he’ll be happy to hear, and I’d rather he hear them from us on our terms before he shows up in the middle of a conversation we didn’t want him to overhear, or… catches us the next time we slip up and start kissing. Isn’t it better that we sit him down and save ourselves the risk rather than waiting around for a perfect time that’ll probably never come?”

  “I know that you’re right,” she conceded. “I just wish you weren’t.”

  “Imagine how much better we’ll feel to just have it all out there. We can tell our parents and I’ll tell my sister before we tell him. Because once we tell them, we’ll practically have no choice but to tell him, too, given that he’s over at our houses all the time anyway.”

  “Okay,” she breathed out. “Yeah. Let’s just do it.”

  “By next weekend, he’ll know,” I decided. “They’ll all know.” I paused. “I just… probably have to wait until Monday to figure out exactly what I’m gonna say.”

  “Why? Are you busy?” she asked me, and then froze, scowling at me. “Seriously? That’s this weekend? I thought you said next weekend.”

  “Vanessa moves quickly,” I sighed. “Or Danny does, I guess. Whatever: someone asked someone out and it didn’t take long for it to happen. It’s tomorrow night. You should come over tomorrow and help me get ready.”