by Olive East
His words sliced me to pieces, because he had the knowledge and power to. Even though I never expressed my biggest fears in my relationship to Aaron, he knew them all as if he had a map to my mind. We always had an unspoken bond, literally and figuratively, and Aaron had just reminded me of that.
Am I? Think about it for just a second and you’ll realize I’m right. You already know I’m right, Aaron signed.
What makes you so willing to be with me then, if I’m so unlovable?
Because, O, I already know all the bad. I knew you before the nightmares started. I knew the girl before the bad times. I was there before your dad died. I know how you used to be and all I want is to bring you back to that. No one else will ever be able to do that for you.
I wanted every single syllable he uttered to be false, but what I wanted even more was for him to be able to fix me. If that were true, if Aaron’s complete knowledge of my past and present could help me be happy again, I’d do whatever he asked.
It was getting harder every day to remember that girl, the girl I was before, and I knew that meant she was slipping away. If Brooks did break up with me, like I and everyone else knew he would, I’d lose her forever. That was a risk I just couldn’t take.
Aaron had just vocalized all my scariest thoughts and made them so real they were practically physical.
“O, I want you to be happy.” He moved in closer, and Boden showed he really hated it by barking loudly. “I just want you to be happy.”
And he kissed me. He kissed me in front of Brooks’s house, in front of Boden, in front of the lady power walking down the street, and all while I was wearing very little clothing. But most damningly, he kissed me while I was in love with someone else.
And I just let him. Maybe I even kissed him back. Maybe I wanted to kiss him.
It felt wrong, but at least it felt honest, as messed up as that sounds. When Aaron kissed me he was kissing all of me.
“Come on, let’s go tell Sadie.” He reached for my hand.
“No, I have to go.”
I headed back into the house with Aaron following. He shut the door behind us.
Running straight to Brooks’s room, I found a pair of my jeans and pulled them on. Dammit. Brooks had given me my own bedroom at his place and I had his room a mess. My shit was everywhere to the point it didn’t even look like his room any more. Did I have to ruin everything?
Aaron stepped inside Brooks’s closet to check it out. He didn’t touch anything, though, just took a mental inventory and probably marveled at what a real adult closet looked like. If he did touch anything I probably would’ve punched him.
I found my purse back downstairs by the door with my keys inside. Aaron stayed by me like a shadow, not saying a word until I got in my car. It was parked in the driveway like it belonged there.
“Where are you going?”
“Home.”
He tried to get in the passenger side. “Unlock it. I wanna come too.”
I shook my head. “No, I need to be alone.”
He didn’t move, so I couldn’t pull away. I put down the window.
“I’m worried what you’ll do when you get home.”
“I won’t do anything.”
“Will you think about things? Us?”
“Yes.”
“Do you promise? I can’t talk to Sadie until you do.”
“If you don’t love her, shouldn’t you not marry her anyway?” I immediately wished I hadn’t said it. I knew I didn’t love him, but I was considering dating him. I also knew that if this wedding didn’t go through, Sadie might not make it herself.
“You don’t need to worry about that. I think we both know the conclusion you’ll come to after you take some time to think about it.”
***
Brooks had been out of town for one night and the world fell apart. I couldn’t stay in his house, doing what I’d done and feeling how I felt, so I woke up before the sun that next morning to drive over from my apartment and let Boden out. He gave me the saddest eyes I’d ever seen as I silently sent him out back.
I spent the course of that day dodging Brooks’s texts and calls. It was damn near impossible, made harder by the fact that I was texting Aaron every fifteen seconds. I’d forgotten how funny he was, sweet even. Our conversation was almost sparkling enough to make me not feel like the scum of the earth when Brooks said he could tell something was wrong and he was coming home early.
I couldn’t let that happen until I had at least a little more time to think. I pulled my shit together and flooded his phone with pics of Boden and me on a walk, eating dinner, and even a staged pic of us in bed. I took it right before I left for the night, included a glimpse of my bare chest, and waited till much later to send it.
Brooks: I’ve never been so jealous of my dog in my life.
I didn’t text back.
Brooks: You should be here with me. I hear the rooms are soundproof.
Tapping out an entirely lame
LOL.
I wanted to throw my phone against the wall. How could having him say those things to me make me feel so horrible?
Brooks: I miss you. So much already.
Along with the response was a picture of him, shirtless and surrounded by white sheets, with one hand bent behind his head. Even in his low light selfie, Brooks looked so sexy I could practically feel his taut tummy under my fingers.
Ollie: Me too.
After I sent the even lamer text back, I turned my phone on silent and shoved it under a pile of clothes on the other side of the room.
I was doing it to him again, I was letting him down, and I couldn’t even stop myself.
***
On night number three of Brooks being gone, the night before he was coming home, I found myself sitting in my old apartment on my old couch with my old boyfriend. All the texting had culminated with us making plans to see each other.
Without Sadie.
I told Aaron I was tired and wanted to stay in. He replied with his dad’s cabbage kimchi and a horror movie I’d never seen.
As I sat on my bed, with one of my oldest mixes playing in the background, and freshened my makeup, I was transported back in time two years. With the anticipation of Aaron’s arrival swirling around the room like a frantic fly, I could practically smell his cologne.
When the wonky buzz from my doorbell sounded, the guilt I was bound to feel hit me. It’s one thing to fantasize about getting a do-over with an ex, but it’s another to have him actually standing outside your apartment.
“Hey,” I said as I swung the door open with a little too much force.
“Hi.” He was holding a bag of food in one hand and the movie in the other.
After a mini tour of my mini apartment, which he had never been at before, it was time to eat.
“I really like your place,” Aaron said as he passed me a plate.
We were sitting in front of the TV during dinner, something Brooks and I never did, and I must admit I missed eating a meal in the company of fictional characters. With an afghan that belonged to my Granny Oxmend wrapped around us, Aaron and I sat snugly on the loveseat. I’d like to say we were sitting that way because the size of the loveseat forced us to, but we probably would’ve no matter what.
“Yeah,” I said, looking around. “I like it too.”
There was an elephant in the room that I really didn’t want to talk about, but the question was nagging me so much I had to. “Where does Sadie think you are?”
Aaron’s bitter face let me know he didn’t want to talk about her either. “I was going to tell her I was interpreting, but she called earlier and said she was going to stay at Mariah’s tonight.”
That made me wonder how many times he’d used “interpreting” as a lie. It made me wonder if Sadie was telling the truth too. Mariah lived a little far to just stay for the night.
“Did you ever think you’d be here? In your own place away from your mom?”
I shook my head. “No. Hone
stly. After I got out of the hospital I never thought she’d let me out of her sight again.”
The most surprising thing about that statement was how it wasn’t surprising at all. It was the truth, and it didn’t bother me to say it. If Brooks and I had that conversation, I’d dance around the topic of moving out of my mom’s place. But we would never talk about it, because I’d left out my month-long hospital stay when I told him my story.
The reminder that there were still things Brooks didn’t know about me left me feeling even closer to Aaron.
He. Knew. Everything. And there he was. All cleaned up, just to see me.
“She’s a good woman. She’s just a little…intense sometimes.”
“More like all the time.”
“Yeah.” He laughed, then took a long pause. The smirk on his face let me know he was recalling something. Remember when we wanted to go to the ice skating rink downtown but she said no? he signed, and my sense of déjà vu only grew.
There was a time when I would only communicate with him through ASL. That’s when I was still learning and not fluent yet. Being with Aaron was like being with my own personal tutor who I could make out with.
I laughed. Yes.
You were so mad at her you slept over that night.
Aaron had planned a romantic date for us to go skating at the outdoor rink. Val was in one of her random punishment moods and said I couldn’t go. She claimed it was because of the snowy weather and that I spent too many of my days with her with Aaron instead, but really I think she was just being anti-love because she and Karl were probably fighting at the time.
Your parents had to have heard me sneaking in. But they’re cool enough to let it slide. I thought I was so smooth coming in through the window, but I would’ve made less noise if you just let me in the front door.
Val must’ve called fifty times trying to get ahold of you that night.
More like eighty. She’s so stubborn. I laughed and rolled my eyes.
Sounds like someone else I know.
I shoved at Aaron and almost knocked over our shared tray table. “Take it back.”
No. He made the finger pinching motion dramatically and in my face.
“I’m nothing like her and I never want to be.” I threw down my fork, losing my appetite at his words.
“But you are. You tend to forget she isn’t all bad.”
The deep breaths I was inhaling did little to calm me. I had also forgotten how much Aaron liked to push my buttons, probably because he knew them so well he could play me like a video game.
“Aaron, just stop.”
“Hear me out.” He grabbed my shaking hand after moving the tray table aside. “You’re intense, Ollie. It’s a good thing…great, actually. You’d suck at art if you weren’t, and you’re crazy talented. Artists have to be intense.”
Thank you. I made the simple sign with my free hand.
You’re welcome, he signed back with his free hand.
Something passed between us then. Not quite a spark, but more like the ember of our-not-quite extinguished love was flamed. If his look in that moment was captured in a piece of art, he would’ve been titled Unfinished Business, and the smug look on his face said he knew it.
It is true, though. Good art has to be intense, right? But until Aaron pointed it out, I never thought of it that way. Maybe I could handle being like her in that sense. Maybe I didn’t have to be exactly like a man who killed himself.
If I remember correctly, we had a good time being rebels that night.
I could feel the blush cover my cheeks at the memory of roaming hands, forgotten shirts, and wildly beating hearts.
We did.
I should’ve tried to go further with you.
I froze. So many thoughts were fighting for space in my mind at once that I couldn’t concentrate on anything. Most notably, though, I felt the butterflies of first love. You only get that kind of love once. The kind where you don’t hold anything back, before you’re jaded, before you’ve ever had your heart broken…before you’re damaged at all.
Yeah. You should have.
***
The next evening, when Brooks texted me to say he’d be home in an hour, I inexplicably went on a cleaning jag. There’s a ninety-five percent chance it was out of guilt, but I’m not sure how the feeling manifested in me being elbow-deep in a bucket of bleach.
“Ollie,” Brooks called.
Instead of being greeted at the door with a much anticipated kiss, he had to search the house to ultimately find me crouched in the corner of an already clean bathroom scrubbing the floor.
“Brooks,” I said, out of breath. “Hey.”
He wrinkled his nose, hopefully at the bleach. “Uh, hi.”
I snapped off the gloves and tossed them into the tub while Brooks leaned down to kiss me. I held up my finger, signaling I needed a minute, then scoured my hands in the sink. My lips needed to be wiped clean more than anything, maybe my thoughts too.
It was awful. He just stood there watching me while I felt like an idiot for kissing Aaron three days ago. What was I doing? Why was I washing his bathroom when it was never used? Why wasn’t I kissing him?
Brooks turned the water off and crushed me into a hug. Apparently he decided he’d waited long enough for his greeting.
“Why are you cleaning the bathroom?”
I answered with my face pressed into his chest. “Because you deserve a clean house.”
My fingers kneaded his back as I sank into him.
“Thanks, but you don’t have to do that.”
“No problem.” I threw my hand up in a weird half sign for no reason at all and led us out of the bathroom and into his bedroom. I was talking to him like I would a stranger and it wasn’t right.
“I missed you.” When he said it, he studied my face.
“I missed you.” I tried to keep eye contact, but I averted my gaze at the last second. The blue of his eyes was so clear I think it could’ve detected any lie of omission.
Brooks sat on the edge of the purposefully unmade bed and pulled me onto his lap. If it wasn’t for my night with Aaron, Brooks and I would’ve been having sex by now. It didn’t matter that Aaron and I didn’t even kiss again, I was guilty.
“What’s wrong?” he asked while he pushed my hair out of my eyes.
“Nothing.”
Then I switched my position in his lap so I could kiss him. It wasn’t playing fair, and I think we both knew it. He kissed me back for a good long while before he let his curiosity get the better of him.
“Did something happen with Sadie or Aaron while I was gone?”
He was almost breathless, but he didn’t let that stop him. I swung my leg around his waist so I was straddling him. I tried to convince myself that that simple question meant he knew me well. But I hadn’t told him everything. Brooks only knew me as well as I let him.
“Not really.” I chose those words because they were the truth. Saying “No” would’ve been a lie, but saying “Not really” kept me semi-honest because it could be interpreted so many ways. Before he could ask another question, I whipped my shirt—which was actually his shirt—off over my head. I wasn’t wearing a bra.
He kissed me a little more forcefully.
“You didn’t talk to me much. I was expecting to hear from you more. I really missed you, Ollie.”
There was the word. Expectations. Damn, they ruin everything.
“You know I’m not glued to my phone.”
“Yeah, I know. But I thought for me you would be.”
He didn’t even let me kiss him before he responded. Unbelievable. Why didn’t he have a one track mind? I started unbuttoning his collared shirt.
Maybe I was on to something here. Playing hard to get has been a thing since the beginning of time, but who knew it actually worked? I ignored Brooks, held things back from him, disappeared for days at a time, and it only seemed to make him want me more.
I was treating him like shit when he deserved be
tter. His mom did say he never picked the right girls. And I was definitely not the right girl. Was it possible Brooks was a masochist too?
“I’m sorry.” I wanted to rip off my lashes and cry as the list of nice things he’d done for me played in my mind. “I’m really sorry. I missed you. A lot. So much. I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay, Ollie.” He held my bare chest to his and stroked my hair, probably knowing I was apologizing for more than a few missed texts and calls. “I’m not mad. Let’s just do better next time.”
I didn’t deserve for anyone to be nice to me, but especially him. My strange outburst of emotion kept him from pressing the issue any further and probably scared him too.
***
“Stay here tonight,” Brooks pleaded with me as I shoved some clothes into my already overstuffed duffel. I had only been staying away for a few days, but so much of my stuff was at his place I had to carry things back and forth.
“I can’t. I have a ton of laundry to do and I have my final dress fitting tomorrow morning.” Both things were true, but neither was a good reason not to stay.
“You can do your laundry here for free.” He grabbed at my hips, but I avoided him. “Well, maybe not totally free.” He leaned forward from his seated position on the bed to slap my ass. “And we’ll go together to get your dress. I miss your place.”
“Brooks, I can’t.” I wanted to—holy shit I wanted to—and it was so hard to resist him, but Aaron was waiting for me.
He pulled my bag off my shoulder and tossed it to the floor. “Ollie.” He kissed me. “Stay.”
I hesitated, which he took to mean acceptance and pulled me on top of him. I knew it’d be almost impossible to leave after that.
It would’ve been one hundred percent impossible to climb off of him if it weren’t for the memories of my night with Aaron playing in my mind. We had talked and laughed and reminisced until I fell asleep mid-sentence. Aaron left the next morning, but we wanted to see each other again sooner. Unfortunately, we both had other people to answer to.