Nurse in Recovery

by Dianne Drake

  My life, she thought dismally. Bitter tears started burning at the back of her eyes, but she wouldn’t let them flow. She hadn’t cried, wouldn’t cry. Not then. Not now. Not Anna Wells.

  Twisting in her chair, Anna looked at Mitch lying under the tree. So calm, so cool…She’d rather do anything than ask, but if she didn’t ask, there was no telling how long he’d leave her there like that. So this was a one-time surrender. No going back for another one, no matter what. “OK, I give up.” she finally conceded. “You’re supposed to help me, so get up and do it.” Not so bad, she decided.

  Except he didn’t respond.

  “I need help, Mitch.” She tried once again, this time a little louder.

  Again, he didn’t respond. Didn’t even twitch.

  “Mitch…” Anna’s gaze trailed to a familiar car coming to a screeching halt across the street. “Great,” she muttered. Talk about heaping humiliation upon humiliation.

  “What are you doing here?” Kyle snapped, slamming his car door. Tugging off his leather driving gloves, he tossed them through the window of his black Mercedes then tromped across the street to Anna. “Sitting alone on the street, like some pathetic…”

  “Some pathetic what, Kyle?” she demanded. “Pathetic fool? Creature? Pathetic fiancée?”

  “For God’s sake, Anna!” he exclaimed. “You take offense at everything these days.”

  A spiritless smile crossed her lips. The formal words of severance hadn’t been pronounced over their engagement, but the impending break-up seemed more evident each time Kyle made his obligatory visits. And she simply didn’t have the energy to deal with it yet. “I’m not alone,” she said. “That big lump sleeping under the tree is my new trainer, and he thought a walk in the park might lighten my mood.”

  “You’re embarrassing yourself, Anna,” he snapped. “You’re not ready for this, no matter what your new trainer thinks.”

  As if on cue, Mitch rolled over and jumped to his feet. “You must be the faithful fiancé,” he quipped, brushing grass and twigs from his jeans. He didn’t go to Anna and Kyle, not even to offer his hand.

  “I’m Dr Lassiter,” Kyle responded stiffly, “and I think it’s pretty damned irresponsible of you to bring her out here like this. She’s not ready, not in any way.”

  “I’m Dr Durant,” Mitch returned, unfazed. “And it seems to me, Doctor, that you’re the one who’s not ready to have his lady love seen in public…” Mitch tendered a mock cringe and an exaggerated shudder “…disabled.”

  Giggling, in spite of her bad mood, Anna turned away, trying to hide it from both men. Mitch, she thought, looked wholly unaffected by Kyle. But Kyle looked practically stricken by Mitch. His perfect, matinee-idol good looks almost cracked. And suddenly she wondered what had ever attracted her to him. He wasn’t as tall or muscular as Mitch, though his features were definitely more handsome. Perfect sandy hair, perfect face, perfect hands with perfectly manicured fingernails. Everything about Kyle was so perfect, and Mitch…Natural. Not perfect. Not even close. But OK.

  “Take me home, Kyle,” she said, suddenly so tired that her arms felt like lead weights dangling from her shoulders. “I don’t think I can get there by myself.”

  “I’m so sorry, darling,” Kyle replied stiffly, “but I can’t help you right now. I have an important dinner meeting later and I only came by to tell you I wouldn’t be available this evening. I’m already late for cocktails as it is, and I’m afraid I don’t have the time to push you home. But you can have your attendant do it, can’t you?” He cast a haughty look in Mitch’s direction before starting toward his car. “I’ll call you soon, though.”

  “Sure you will.” Anna watched Kyle speed away, wondering just how embarrassed he was to have been caught in public with her. Kyle and the crippled woman. What a blow to his image.

  “Have you ever had a girlfriend, Mitch?” she asked, her gaze still on the car.

  Smiling, he took hold of her chair and began pushing it slowly toward her house. “A few. Why?”

  “With your rotten attitude, I’m sure they dumped you, but were you ever dumped in a way that really bothered you? Something that ate you up for weeks, or months?”

  “You’re assuming I was the dumpee and not the dumper.”

  “And am I right?” she prodded. Her mouth curled briefly in amusement, and her eyes sparkled for the first time in months.

  “Maybe I’ve been dumped a time or two, why?”

  “No reason, not right now…” But soon? Anna squeezed her eyes shut, ridding herself of Kyle’s image. “So tell me, Mitch…tell me all the ways you’ve been dumped, and which was the worst. The most excruciating. Which one really tore out your guts and left you half the man you were before?”

  CHAPTER FOUR

  FRANK didn’t want to leave Anna alone, now that Kyle was welching out on staying with her for the evening, but she insisted that he needed some time to himself. His retired lawyers’ group was having a banquet, and all his old buddies would be there—buddies he hadn’t seen in ages, thanks to her. “I’ll be fine, home alone. And it’s just one evening, Dad.” An evening she desperately wanted—and didn’t want. “Go, have a good time. Don’t even think about me.”

  “You’re sure you don’t want to go with me?” he asked, tying his tie in the hall mirror.

  “I’m sure,” she said, although she wasn’t. Staying home alone was a brand-new venture, and she was nervous. “Besides, I wouldn’t mind a little time to myself. I haven’t been alone since the accident and I think it will do me some good.” Smiling affectionately, she added, “And you getting away from me for the evening will certainly do you some good. You haven’t gone anywhere for weeks.”

  “I don’t have any plans, so I can stay,” Lanli offered, settling down into Frank’s recliner. Seeing her there, Frank quickly agreed and scurried out the door, brushing Anna’s forehead with a quick goodbye kiss on his way.

  “So, want to order a pizza?” Lanli asked.

  “I want to spend the evening alone,” Anna answered, her voice surprisingly confident.

  “Uh-uh,” Lanli returned, shaking her head. “Your dad would kill me if I left.”

  “I just want an evening to myself, OK? You’ve been telling me I need to get independent, and I want to start tonight, right now, with an evening here in my house, nobody else around.”

  “Should I call Sunny, or someone else, to come stay with you?” Lanli asked.

  “Sunny’s put up with enough of me lately,” Anna replied. “Too much.” Sunny still blamed herself for the accident. If I hadn’t asked you to stay a little later… She’d practically martyred herself to the cause of Anna’s care, and it was taking a toll just about everywhere—their friendship, Sunny’s job. “She deserves some time off for good behavior.”

  “I don’t feel right about this, Anna. This will be the first time you’ve stayed alone since the accident. What happens if you need help?”

  “My trusty cell phone.” She held it up. “You’re on speed dial, and I’ll tie it around my neck, if that makes you feel any better.”

  “You know, you can make fun of me all you want, but…” Lanli began pacing the perimeter of the room. “Your dad’s going to kill me if I do this, even if nothing goes wrong.”

  “But nothing’s going to go wrong tonight. Cross my heart.” Lifting her hand to cross her heart, Anna smiled, shook her head and, instead of crossing, swiped her hand in the air. “I’ll read or watch TV. That’s all. I mean it’s not like I can do much of anything else.”

  “I guess it would be a good test, especially since, well…since you don’t always try to help yourself.” Shaking her head in doubt, she added, “Maybe I should just go upstairs and hide. That way you’d have some private time, but I’d still be right here, just in case.”

  “You know, Lan, until six months ago I was an adult, treated as an adult, in charge of an emergency room. Then all of a sudden I’m busted back to helpless child. I’m stubborn and I know that,
I’m moody…”

  “Not easy to get along with,” Lanli added. “Sometimes downright rude.”

  “OK, OK.” Anna held her hands up in surrender. “You’re right, one hundred percent. And all I’m trying to say is that I’m thirty-one years old, a nurse…used to be a nurse…and I think I can take care of myself for a few lousy hours. At least let me try.”

  Lanli stopped directly in front of Anna, studying her for nearly half a minute before she responded. “You’ll call me if you need anything.”

  Anna nodded.

  “The least little thing?”

  She nodded again.

  “And will you call me after an hour just to let me know how you’re doing? You don’t even have to talk. Just say ‘OK’ and hang up. Will you do that for me, Anna?”

  “There’s nothing to be nervous about, but I’ll call if it makes you feel better.” She said the words with a brave front but she was feeling anything but brave. In ten seconds Lanli would shut that door behind her and Anna would be forced to face herself in ways she’d been avoiding. But it was time. Her trip to the park with Mitch this afternoon proved that.

  “I suppose it’s OK, if you promise.” Reluctantly, Lanli opened the door and stepped outside. “You sure?” she asked, turning back to face Anna. “And you won’t forget to call me?”

  Anna did cross her heart this time. “I’m sure, and I promise. And, Lan, I’m really sorry about the way I’ve been acting. Mitch was pretty blunt about some things today, especially about the way I’ve been treating my friends.”

  “I know.” Lanli smiled sympathetically. “When he left he wasn’t sure if you’d let him come back to work with you or not.”

  “I wasn’t sure myself. Still not.”

  “So, if I leave you alone, that’s got to be another part of your promise. That you’ll let him help you.”

  “Do you really think he can, or is this your way of getting rid of me because I’m one great big pain in the gluteus?”

  “Both.” Lanli laughed. “So what’s it going to be?”

  “I guess Mitch stays, if that’s my only choice.” Oddly, that wasn’t a tough decision.

  “Your only choice. Now, lock the door after me and don’t let anyone in.”

  “Yes, Mother,” Anna whined playfully. “And may I have a cookie before I go to bed?”

  For the first hour of solitude Anna sat alone in the dark, drinking in the quietness. Who would have ever thought such a simple thing as solitude could be so precious? Time alone had become a constant craving, and now that she had it, it felt so good. She didn’t want to waste it with television, or music, or reading a good book. She simply wished to exist within it, let the aloneness surround her and cradle her like a mother cradled a child.

  Life had been so hectic since she’d returned home. For six weeks in the hospital during several reconstructive procedures to rebuild shattered bones and torn muscles, then three months in an Indianapolis rehab hospital, she’d been the center of attention all the time—surrounded by people every minute of every day. Well-wishers, therapists, coworkers, other patients—the parade had never ended, and in some strange way, that had been a good thing. It had kept her mind off reality.

  Then, when she’d come home to Bloomington, her dad had moved in. So had Sunny, part time. They’d spent the past month and a half hovering over her, showing every kind of concern and never once leaving her alone. She needed to be left alone sometimes, though, simply to think about her condition and weigh her future…whatever that was going to be.

  The constraining eyes of those who cared for her was one of the reasons she’d been so cranky lately. She didn’t like being cranky. She didn’t like being watched all the time either. But most of all she didn’t like being alone, and even now, as much as she’d begged for solitude, it was frightening her. The what-ifs were creeping in. What if she fell out of her chair? Not that she’d ever done that before. What if the house caught fire? What if someone broke in?

  “Sitting duck,” she muttered, finally turning on a light. Just what Mitch had called her, in so many words. Just what Kyle had seen at the park earlier, and had dodged in revulsion. Grabbing her cell phone, she speed-dialed Lanli’s number, and muttered a simple “OK” after her friend picked up on the first ring.

  “You sure.”

  No, she wasn’t sure. But that had nothing to do with Lanli. “Sure.”

  During Anna’s second hour alone, she ventured into her bedroom, the downstairs conversion from her former den. At some point she’d probably have an elevator installed so she’d have access to the second floor and her real bedroom. Or maybe she’d buy a one-story house. For now, though, she contented herself with a whole lot of make-dos on the first floor. But, hey, that was her life now, wasn’t it? A whole lot of make-dos.

  Suddenly, Anna was exhausted, more from her volley of emotions than the physical exertion Mitch had put her through earlier, and she transferred herself to bed, one of the few things she could do on her own, a requirement for getting sprung from the rehab center.

  Some time later, the neighbor’s barking dog awakened her from a light sleep. Twisting to look at the clock, she discovered it was nearly eleven, and she was still alone, since her dad would have come to check on her before he went to bed if he’d come home yet.

  Outside, the dog barked again, then a noise at the front door caught her attention. Was it scratching? Ralphie trying to get in? He always did when the neighbors left him out for the night. An impressively large Rottweiler, Ralphie had the nature of a pussy cat, along with the relentless persistence of a scavenger wherever there was food to be found. And more often than not he found it in her kitchen.

  So maybe he was hungry, lonely, or both.

  Climbing out of bed into her chair, Anna headed into the hall then crept toward the front door cautiously. A shiver of apprehension grazed her spine, and she chided herself for being silly. She’d lived here for five years. It was a quiet neighborhood—nothing sinister, nothing remotely out of the ordinary ever happened here. And just look at her, getting nervous over the least little thing, something she’d never done when she’d been able to walk.

  But then she looked down at the floor and the shiver returned with a vengeance. A piece of white paper lay on the hardwood inside the door, defying her to pick it up. It had dropped through the mail slot, and the squeaking of the brass lid had probably triggered Ralphie’s barking.

  Anna backed away from the paper, laughing nervously at her foolishness. “Stupid, really stupid,” she said aloud. “It’s a flyer, so just pick it up, Anna.” But that was easier said than done. Of course, she had her handy-dandy grabbers—a mechanical device used for retrieving things she couldn’t get herself. Good thing, since she’d never been so clumsy in her life as she was now, when she couldn’t simply bend down to pick something up.

  The grabbers were at her bedside, and by the time she had them and was back at the front door, she was glad nobody saw her losing her mind over a silly little piece of paper.

  When she snatched it up, however, it was blank. Nothing on either side. “Mitch,” she snarled. He knew she couldn’t just bend down and get it, that she’d have to figure out some convoluted way to do something as simple as picking up a dumb piece of paper. “Another test,” she muttered, crumbling the paper and throwing it back on the floor. Anger was bubbling inside—a lump in her gut, tense knots in her muscles. In a split second her head started throbbing.

  Well, she wouldn’t let him do that to her. He had no right.

  Spinning her chair, Anna raced to her bedroom to find his business card, then picked up the handset and punched the buttons with a malicious fury.

  “Mitch Durant here,” came the groggy voice.

  “Anna Wells here,” she said angrily. “You’re fired.” Blood was beginning to pound in her temples now, and her chest was tightening, trying to strangle the breath out of her. Frantically, Anna gulped air, nearly choking. “Not now,” she sputtered. This had happen
ed so many times since the accident. She’d just shut herself away so nobody else would have to be involved in yet one more of her crises. She was a nurse, for heaven’s sake. She knew what it was, how to control it. But sometimes it came sneaking back, catching her before she knew it was coming.

  “Not now what, Anna? What’s going on?”

  Surprised by his voice, she forced her reply. “I said you’re fired. And I’m not going to talk to you about it now.”

  “So I don’t get to ask what for?”

  “I…Uh…” The tightening in her chest was worsening, squeezing her heart so hard she could hear its amplified beating in her ears. Thumping, roaring, deafening. “You…know…what…for,” she choked out. Her hands began shaking, and a cold sweat broke on her brow. The room was spinning, too, making her dizzy. Please, make it stop. She shut her eyes to keep out the spinning. “God, make it stop,” she whispered. “Stop…”

  “What the hell are you talking about?”

  “Don’t come back,” she spat into the phone. “I don’t want you here, ever.” Then she hung up to fight the demon.

  Mitch tossed and turned in bed for several minutes, wondering about Anna’s call. Sure, she didn’t like him very much, but he’d never expected that she would. That was par for the course. But she was even angrier than most at this stage of rehab, and fighting all the wrong battles. Way too proud and stubborn to realize it, too. “Damn,” he muttered, punching the call-back button.

  “So are you going to tell me about it?” he asked.

  “No,” she gasped.

  “What’s going on, Anna?” he asked calmly, even though he had a good hunch. “Are you breathing better yet? Lightheaded? Tingling in your extremities?”

  “Fine.” Her voice was shallow, her rapid breaths still audible. “Leave me alone, please.” Then she hung up.

  “Damn,” he muttered again, swinging his legs over the side of the bed. Twenty minutes there, twenty to calm her down, and twenty back. That extra hour of sleep sure would have been nice. But, hell, he was still a doctor. One, apparently, on the verge of a house call.