Lacrimosa (Requiem Series)

by Fonseca, Christine

  But I want it to be, more than anything.

  “You’re a warrior,” I say. “Purge your emotions. All of them. You can’t give in to this. You can’t be weak.” I know I should push the dream aside. Detach from the longing in my heart.

  “I don’t find you weak at all.” Aydan, the real Aydan, moves his hands to my hips and turns me to him. “Not in the least. I love your human form.” He presses his body to mine.

  His touch sears me. I pull away, barely able to speak. “Aydan? You’re here?”

  “Be with me,” he says, kissing my jaw, my neck, my shoulder. Every spot his mouth touches closes the empty spaces inside.

  A storm of desire gathers in my soul. Not just desire—need. “I shouldn’t…can’t—”

  Aydan stops and looks at me, his amber eyes as beautiful now as the day we met in Germany. “Tell me you don’t love me.”

  I try to form the words. Try to lie. But every cell, human and angelic, reaches out for him. Every thought, only him. I fall back into him, giving in to everything I desire.

  He wraps me in a hungry kiss, erasing the pain, the torment, the anguish. All that remains is my need. My love.

  "Let me have you. Love you," he says, his voice trembling.

  I open my mouth to respond, the words nothing but dust. A single moan escapes as he draws me into another kiss.

  Somehow he reaches every dark corner of my soul, healing the betrayal and pain from so long ago. I want for nothing but him. This moment.

  For an eternity.

  My duty flits through my thoughts. My promise to vanquish him. My oath to remain detached. To purge all emotions.

  Not going to happen. Not with Aydan.

  This is what I want now. What I need.

  This moment with Aydan, right now, this fulfills me in a way I never thought possible.

  I part my lips and succumb fully to the moment. My body feels as though it will implode as heat fuses my cells from my belly to my head. Our tongues greedily explore each other. I thread my hands through his hair as he slides his mouth along my jaw, my neck, my arms, leaving a burning trail crisscrossing my body.

  My senses overwhelm, sending stars shooting across my vision. My body quivers and the last of my defenses dissolve. Nothing matters anymore.

  Not Mikayel’s wrath.

  Not Azzaziel’s rage.

  Only Aydan’s love.

  And my burning need for him.

  Chapter 27 - Sacrifice

  Aydan

  Morning arrives in a blast of color that ignites the courtyard, setting the sculpture of Mikayel ablaze. I sit on the bench, Nesy wrapped in my arms. For the first time in centuries, I don’t feel like a demon, can’t hear the Beast inside.

  It’s a moment I want to hold onto forever.

  But wanting it won’t make it so.

  I have but one future. And it doesn’t involve anything I want. Anything good.

  I stare at the image of Nesy’s sovereign, remembering the last time I faced him. There is no way he will ever understand Nesy’s choice in me.

  I don’t understand it myself.

  There is so little left of the angel I once was. But with Nesy I feel alive. Pure. With her, the mistakes of my life are forgiven.

  Mikayel will know of last night. He always knows. I’ve put Nesy in danger again. Just like I did in Germany.

  I really am nothing more than the Beast.

  I think of the consequences of our actions. My death. Her fall. An eternity encased in the flames of the Abyss.

  For both of us.

  How could I do this? My body shudders as the pictures replay across my vision.

  “Are you cold?” Nesy asks, pulling me closer to her.

  Her touch orients me. So perfect.

  “What are you thinking?” she asks.

  “Mikayel. He knows doesn’t he?”

  Nesy releases me and sits. “Yes. Probably. He usually knows everything.”

  “There’s only one answer for us, Nesy. One future.” I swallow hard. I have to do this, do what I should have done already. I have to let her go. “He’ll never allow this. Us.” I say.

  “I know.” She pushes further away, her face pained. “I took a vow. I have to—”

  I slide next to her and place my hand to her chin, tipping her head towards mine. “Vanquish me by tomorrow.”

  She buries her head in my chest. “I can’t do it,” she says. “Not now. Not ever.”

  “Yes you can. You must.”

  She will not die again because of me.

  “But—” she starts to say.

  I place a finger on her mouth. “I love you, Nesayiel. I have since the day I saw you on the farm. I know who you are now, who I am.

  “We can have one more day to be together. One day. I want us to spend it in each other’s arms. Then, when our time is over, you will do your duty. You will send me to the Abyss and end this. You will restore Mikayel’s faith in you.”

  I watch as tears fill Nesy’s eyes, spilling onto her cheeks. Her pain matches mine. “I...I can’t,” she says.

  “You must. Otherwise, Mikayel will just send another team. Or worse, he’ll do it himself.”

  She stares at me, her breath coming in hard, shallow gasps.

  I don’t know how to comfort her, how to make her see that this is the only way. “I want you to do it. Only you. Sever my ties to Azza. Send me to the Abyss tomorrow. Promise me.”

  Her eyes begin to dry as determination passes through her expression. She places her hands on my face, sending a chill down my spine. “I love you, Aydan.”

  “I know. And I want you to do this for me. I don’t want to be Azza’s monster anymore. I don’t want the Beast to be all that I am.”

  “One more day?”

  “One more day.”

  I pull her into a tight embrace, determined to soak in every ounce of her, let her heal the dark corners of my soul. I tip her face to mine, sealing our promise with my lips. She presses into me, stealing my air. Her lips tremble as they speak of everything she cannot say.

  Her love.

  Her need.

  Her fear.

  “Aydan,” she says as the kiss ends. “I need something from you.” Her voice cracks on the last word.

  “Anything.”

  “You can’t kill again. Not while I’m with you. You—”

  “I know. And I won’t.” I softly kiss her lips again. “I’m done feeding. For good.”

  The Beast protests.

  “You’ll grow weak?” she asks.

  “Yes.”

  “You’ll be in pain?”

  “Excruciating.”

  “But—”

  “But I will only have to endure it for a short time. Besides, it’ll be easier for you to end my life if I’m in agony.”

  The Beast stirs, igniting a familiar hunger and reminding me of my vows. My mind focuses only on Nesy.

  For her, I will endure the pain.

  Chapter 28 - UnHoly Choices

  Nesy

  It’s too late. There is no way out of this mess. This beautiful, perfect mess. Unless…

  I walk to the sculpture. Mikayel and Azzaziel. An eternity of hatred between them. Mikayel’s existence has always been about defeating evil.

  Capturing Azzaziel.

  I smile as the idea flirts with the edges of my thoughts. “I’m going to talk with the Council,” I say to Aydan. “Work out a deal. Maybe if you help capture Azzaziel, Mik—”

  Aydan crosses the courtyard in two steps, slipping his hands around my waist. “They’ll never let me come back,” he whispers. “I chose to fall. Anyone who is fallen does.”

  I tremble as his hot breath caresses my cheek. “But you didn’t mean it. You’re ready to change, right? They might understand.” My voice is nothing more than a whisper. A thought. “They have to.”

  Aydan still has good in him.

  I feel it in the way he touches me...a moment of grace.

  Taste it on his lips...a c
ommunion of souls.

  I have to get the Council to see him as I do. Show them the angel that still lives inside the demon.

  I walk to our bench, my new mission clear. “I’m going to Celestium.” The fierce determination of the Sentinal I am incrusts every word. “I’m going to convince them to offer you grace. Let you return to Celestium.”

  “No! They won’t let you come back. They’ll send another team. Nesy, please. Don’t do this.”

  “I have to. I’m not going to sit here and send you to Abyss. I won’t kill you. This isn’t what being a Sentinal is about.”

  “This is exactly what being a Sentinal is. Slaying demons, capturing the UnHoly, and dealing with Azza.”

  “Not if the UnHoly is capable of redemption.” I clench my jaw, my resolve absolute. “This is wrong, Aydan. It’s just wrong. And I’m going to convince the Council.”

  “It’s too late for my redemption. I loved a human.”

  “No. You loved an angel.”

  He refuses to hear me.

  “I twisted the minds of the humans I was bound to protect, Nesy. I made a deal with Azza. I let my rage consume me. And I’ve been paying the price ever since.”

  “And now you’re willing to give all that up. You said so yourself. You won’t feed. You won’t do Azzaziel’s bidding. You won’t give into the Beast. You should be allowed a trial with the Council. It’s only right.”

  “To you.” Aydan takes my hand and kisses it. “I doubt Mikayel will see it that way.”

  “He understood when I told him about my feelings for you.”

  “Trust me, this isn’t the same.”

  “It is the same. The exact same. I just need to convince Gabriel that this is the right thing to do. Then Mikayel will listen.” I stare at my love. “I’ll make him listen.”

  I pull my hand away, glancing back at the image of Mikayel. My plan’s a long shot. But what choice do I have? I will not lose him again.

  “I have to go.” I walk to the gate. The sun sits high in the sky, a reminder of just how little time remains.

  Aydan runs to me…I wish he wouldn’t.

  This is hard enough.

  “Please don’t do this. Not for me.”

  “Don’t you see? I have no choice.” I lean in and kiss his human face.

  He refuses to release me and I fall into a ravenous kiss. Desperation, fear, and guilt riddle his lips.

  “I’ll be back,” I say. “Trust me, this is our only chance.” I slip from my human host, leaving her on the bench. Her skin is marred by battles she never should have fought. Another mistake I’m responsible for.

  Aydan takes my hands in his. “I hope this works,” he whispers.

  “It will,” I say. I focus my thoughts and forge open a portal.

  Please work.

  I slip out of the gateway, desperate to find Zane. The Mediator’s central chamber is a large room adorned with images of angels appearing to humans. Emerald linens hang from the ceiling, softening the hard edges of the room.

  I pace, pushing my thoughts out to my best friend. He has to find me, guide me.

  “It is I you should be looking for, Sentinal. Not my counselors.”

  I know that voice anywhere. “Gabriel, sir.” The words roll out too fast as I settle my nerves.

  “What is it you seek?”

  “Understanding, sir.”

  “A noble endeavor,” he says, nodding. “Is there a particular type of wisdom you are pondering?”

  “Yes, there is.” I pause, searching for the courage I need. Can I really do this? I take a calming breath and stare into Gabriel’s green eyes. I force out the only word in my thoughts. “Redemption.”

  Gabriel chuckles. “Redemption. Now that isn’t something I expected to hear from a Sentinal. Warriors tend to deal only in absolutes.” The laughter leaves his voice. His eyes pin me where I stand. “But then, I have only known of one other Sentinal to have loved another as you do.”

  Shoot. No secrets in Celestium. Forgot about that one.

  Heat rises up through my cheeks.

  “You thought I would not know? Ah child, everything the brethren of the Council know, I know. There are no secrets between us.”

  “Then you know why I’m here.”

  “I know you love the one you have vowed to vanquish. I know the idea of killing him pains you deeply.” There is no malice in Gabriel’s voice. Only concern, like a father to his child.

  “Yes, it does.” Saying the words out loud takes the breath from my lungs. I shove the feelings aside. I have only one shot at this.

  It has to work.

  “And I know you wish to speak to the Council about his redemption.”

  “Yes.”

  “You know the rules on such things?”

  “I do.”

  “Then you know that I cannot grant what you ask, regardless of my personal feelings.” Gabriel speaks softly with an unyielding firmness.

  “But you are the Council. The others answer to you,” I plead. He has to help me.

  “No, young Sentinal, we answer to each other. No voice is greater than the others. Our rules were not made by us. They are in place to serve a specific purpose. I do not have the power to overturn them.”

  “They will listen to you, though. Mikayel will listen.” Shameless desperation drips through my words.

  “As he will listen to you. Have you told him what you feel?”

  “No. But I know he knows.”

  “That is not the same,” Gabriel says, the firmness returning to his voice. “You must speak with him directly. He will understand more than you think. Much more.”

  “Mikayel? No. He lives in a world of rules and order. He can never understand love. Or redemption.” Anger seeps into my words.

  “He listened before, did he not? Helped you find peace.”

  “Yes, but—”

  “He will help you again. He understands in a way few can.”

  I think about Mikayel’s past kindness. I owe him so much. But this? This is nothing he will ever be able to grasp. Without Gabriel’s support, I’ll fail. I know I will.

  “Child, just because he is absolute in his resolve does not mean he has no idea of love. No, you must speak to him first. Then, if he wishes, you can speak to the Council.”

  I swallow back my tears. “There has to be another way.”

  “No. That is it how it must be.”

  Gabriel disappears before I can object further, Cass and Zane walking through his faded image.

  “What are you doing here?” Cass asks. “Did you finish?”

  “No. Not yet.” I feel Zane’s accusing glare slash through me. When did he get so darn judgmental? “I still have a day,” I say.

  “And why are you wasting it here?” Zane’s contempt is palpable.

  And getting on my last nerves.

  “If you must know, I came to talk to you about Gabriel. But he found me first.”

  “Gabriel?” Zane asks.

  “Yeah, I needed his advice about the Council.”

  “Why not go to Mikayel?” Cass asks.

  “Gabriel was better suited for my questions. At least, I thought he was.”

  “Thought?” Zane furrows his brow.

  “He is making me talk to Mikayel.”

  “Nesy, what are you planning?” Cass’s words echo the concern I feel from Zane.

  No point in hiding this from them. They’re bound to find out sooner or later.

  “I’m going to ask the Council to allow Aydan back into Celestium. Let him earn a position with us again.”

  “What?” Zane bellows. “No!”

  “Yes, Zanethios.” I match his anger, word for word.

  I’m done listening to his lectures on duty. This time, he’s wrong. And so is the Council. “He isn’t what you think he is. He deserves another chance.”

  “He’s killed angels.”

  “He was protecting himself.”

  “Was he protecting himself when he devoured the
human girl’s soul? Or the countless others he’s killed over the years?”

  My mind spins. Aydan stands for everything I hate, everything I’ve sworn to fight. But he also holds my heart. And I am forever connected to him.

  There must be good in him somewhere. I wouldn’t feel this way if there wasn’t.

  “Aydan has vowed not to feed again. He’ll renounce Azzaziel and lead Mikayel to him.” The words come out too fast. “He deserves a chance to make this right.”

  Cass places her arm across my shoulders. “It doesn’t work that way, Nesy. Not for angels. There is no second chance for us. Not once the Council makes a decision. You know that.”

  “Yeah, I do. And it’s wrong.”