I looked at him in dismay, he had completely got the wrong end of the stick and I told him so. “It’s not like that.” Charlie looked around to ensure we were alone and leaned in closer to me, “Are you telling me that you’re not sleeping with him?” I swallowed nervously, my cheeks burned with embarrassment, “No…I did sleep with him…” Charlie scoffed and threw himself back against the booth cushion, regarding me with a judgemental scowl. “But I didn’t do it for the thrill of it believe me!” He didn’t believe me, he was drinking his beer and looking anywhere but in my direction. “Oh yeah? What else could it possibly be then? Or is it even worse than I thought and you’ve done this for a grade?”
His remark stung and I sat back open-mouthed. I couldn’t hide it anymore, I had to tell him the truth. I couldn’t have him thinking so badly of me. I drained my bottle and took a deep, steadying breath. “At the beginning of the summer, my father disowned me because I dropped out of medical school and told him I wanted to be an artist not a doctor. I had to get out of the house so I left the country and went to stay with my grandmother in Italy.” Charlie faced me, his face expressionless but he was listening. “A little while into my visit I got into an accident on my bike. I was being stupid, going too fast, I nearly hit someone and I crashed and banged myself up pretty bad.” I paused and looked at Charlie, he was wondering what any of this had to do with Sam and me.
“Well…the guy I nearly hit took me to his grandmother and she cleaned me up. Then he insisted he take me for dinner to make sure I ate something. After that, we became good friends, and that’s all it was at first. Well, that and he taught me how to find myself through painting again.” The realisation dawned on Charlie’s face but I hurriedly continued before he could interrupt. “After a few weeks we grew very close and eventually it became romantic. We spent pretty much every day of the summer together. I didn’t want to leave Italy and come home. But he told me he would look for a job back home in England, anywhere so that he could be closer to me.”
My breathing hitched as I grew emotional. I span the empty cider bottle between my fingers to distract myself until Charlie placed his hand over mine and prompted me to continue. “We were…very close. But I never told him I was coming here. He didn’t think much of studying art at university. I had told him he should become a teacher…because he had helped me so much, but he laughed it off. I came back to the UK, moved my life up here to York, and I didn’t hear from him again until…well, until he walked into the lecture room that first day of university.” Charlie squeezed my hand and I looked at him through teary eyes. “He hadn’t been in touch because he was so busy trying to get a job over here,” I sniffed.
“Fuck…” Charlie shook his head and looked to the heavens, not knowing what to say to comfort me. “We have tried to stay away from each other but it’s been hard…that night in Rome…a lot of alcohol and a lot of built-up tension were a disastrous combination that we just couldn’t resist.” I shrugged and gave a sad smile. “But why do you have to stay away from each other? Surely as long as he doesn’t mark your work it’s fine? You’re adults…this isn’t high school…thank god!” I wiped at my eyes before the tears could fall. “The rules state that he can’t teach me in any capacity and have a personal relationship at the same time. I need his classes to complete my degree. He is such a good teacher, he loves it, I can’t ask him to jeopardise his career or give it up altogether.” Charlie grabbed his wallet out of his back pocket and stood abruptly. I looked at him confused. “We are going to need a lot more alcohol,” he said before heading off toward the bar.
* * *
That evening, after a couple of glasses of wine, I found myself desperate to talk to Nonna. I sent her a quick message on Skype to see if she was still awake. To my surprise, she messaged me back almost immediately. I requested a call with her and waited for her to answer as the dial tone rang. “Ana? How are you, Tesoro?” I gasped and held back a sob as the warmth of her voice almost undid me. “Anabella? What is wrong?” I sniffed and regained my control over my voice. “Nonna, I need to talk to you…it’s…it’s about Sam.” Nonna remained silent and waited for me to elaborate. “He’s here, Nonna…He’s in York.” I heard her clap happily and pictured her smile “Ah! E magnifico! You should have told me sooner.”
I shook my head and covered my eyes. I took another deep breath, as I had in the bar with Charlie, and promptly told her every last detail that had occurred between Sam and I over the past few months. She tutted and hushed in all the correct places and I wished more than ever that I could be sitting at her kitchen table holding her hand. “Anabella…you are in the real world now. The bubble is no more. You must give him the benefit of the doubt, it is not his fault that you happened to be thrown together like this. It is, how you say? Il destino…it’s fate.” I sighed and sipped more of my wine. I guessed that just because he was building a career for himself it didn’t mean he didn’t love me.
“You are in an adult relationship now Tesoro. It is not all the sunshine and rainbows, there are hard choices that must be made. Sometimes that means spending time apart.” I nodded even though I knew she couldn’t see me. “I don’t know everything but his uncle tell me that Samuel had hard times when he lived in Brighton. He wants stability now. If you love him, and he loves you, then you should wait for him.” I was intrigued to know more about his life in Brighton, even more so now I knew he had fallen on hard times. I thanked Nonna for her help and told her I loved her. Before saying goodnight and ending the call I promised I would visit again in the holidays if I could afford it. Then I drained my glass of wine and shuffled off to bed, my mind swimming with thoughts of Sam and what we should do.
The rest of the week went by with no word from him. I attended classes, worked at the cafe, and didn’t see him once. By the following Monday, I had begun to worry that he had already made his mind up to leave me but had simply decided not to let me know. I did not attend his class, although Charlie had messaged me to let me know Sam was back teaching on campus. Instead I wandered around the university aimlessly until class was about to finish, then I waited outside the door for the room to empty. I peeked my head around the doorframe, Sam was sitting at the desk, arms crossed over his chest and staring into nothingness as if deep in thought. “Knock knock.”
He sat up abruptly as I entered and closed the door behind me. He looked tired and stressed, he hadn’t shaved for at least a few days. I sat in the seat across from him and offered a small smile. “I know I haven’t been in touch, I’m sorry. I’ve been…I’ve been thinking.” I nodded solemnly in response and clasped my hands tightly in my lap. “And what did you conclude?” I asked, not sure I wanted to hear his answer. “I still haven’t made my choice, Ana, I…don’t know what to do anymore.” He dropped his head into his hands and tugged slightly on his already dishevelled hair. I felt bad for him. “I’ve been thinking too. That’s why I wasn’t in class today.”
I leaned forward and braced myself for the speech I had prepared. “Sam, I’m tired of behaving like we’re naughty children. We’re adults, we won’t die if we are apart for a while. I’m tired of being terrified that it has to be all or nothing…What I’m trying to say is…I’ll wait for you…if that’s what you want.” His eyebrows creased and he looked confused “What do you mean?” He had sat up now, giving me his full attention. “I mean that I am a grown-ass woman, not a child. If you wanted to be together right now then I’d gladly jump into your arms. But if you don’t want to risk it then I will wait for you. It doesn’t have to be over for the rest of our lives.”
He regarded me seriously, running his hand back and forth over the wood grain of the desk. “I just don’t want to put you in a position where your successes are questioned because of our relationship.” He reached to take my hand but thought better of it and crossed his arms tightly across his chest once again. “Don’t you think that it’s my decision to make, not yours?” I asked, slightly exasperated that he had such a self-sabotaging need to
protect me. He smiled warmly, my favourite Sam smile. “You’re very wise for your age you know.” I smirked but blushed at his compliment. “No, I’ve just spoken to Nonna a lot lately.” He laughed weakly before rubbing his eyes with his palms. “Ana, I…”
There was a sudden knock on the door and a lecturer from another course peered into the classroom. We both looked up as if we had heard a gunshot. “Sorry, I guess you’ve booked the room right?” Sam stood and quickly gathered his things, the other lecturer nodded and waited outside as we prepared to leave. I stood next to the desk and we stared at each other for a moment. “Just…think about what I said,” I urged him and gave his arm a parting squeeze. I left the room with one last glance back. I felt a lot more hopeful than I had the past few days. I thought to myself that maybe he did too.
Later that evening I ordered a Chinese and uncovered the painting I was working on at my easel, two lovers in front of a roaring fire, the barest hint of their features were visible in the glow of the flames, the rest was in silhouette. It was close to midnight when I heard the first taps against my window. I thought it was beginning to rain at first but then the taps grew louder and I looked up as a small pebble bounced off the window frame. I peered down into the garden and could barely make out somebody standing in the shadow of the building below. As I watched, he stepped out into the light and was illuminated in an eery yellow glow against the black of his surroundings. Sam waved up at me briefly, then pointed toward the front of the house, signalling for me to go and meet him.
I rushed down the stairs and paused before opening the front door. Taking a deep breath I turned the lock and opened it onto the cold night. Sam was leaning against the frame, one hand either side of the door, his eyes wide and animated. “Sam, what are you doing here?” He scratched the back of his neck nervously and checked the street behind him. “I um…I wanted to talk…Is it ok if I come up?” I stared open-mouthed at him for a moment, contemplating whether to tell him to go home, get some sleep and that I’d meet up with him tomorrow. But of course, I couldn’t deny him, especially when he looked so desperate and out of sorts. I held the door open and gestured for him to enter.
Up in my flat, we stood awkwardly at opposite ends of the living room, our arms crossed and not really facing each other. “It’s a nice place you’ve got here. I could see the easel in the window so I knew which one was yours.” I leaned against the wall and avoided his intense gaze. “What was it you wanted to talk about?” I asked quietly. He was silent for a minute, watching me. “Why would you wait for me?” I gave him a confused look and he continued. “You said you would wait for me…but that could be years if I’m still teaching throughout your degree…Why would you do that?” I shrugged and walked over to my easel, busying myself with collecting my brushes for cleaning. “I don’t want you to stop teaching…you’re a great teacher to everyone, not just to me.” Sam wandered over to my canvas and I froze immediately. “What are you working on?” He asked before coming to a stop behind me.
He was silent once more as he studied the figures, tangled around each other passionately in a little hut by the sea. He knew that it was us, that the painting was a depiction of the first night we had spent together, similar to the piece he had made of me. “Why do you still paint us? Why do you want to remember your time with me?” He almost whispered, so close behind me that I felt the palpable energy in the small space between us. My back stiffened and I gripped my brushes as if they were my lifeline. “Isn’t it obvious?” My voice was shaky and betrayed my nervousness. “Not to me.” He turned me gently to face him and lifted my chin so that our eyes met. “Why?” He asked again. This time I couldn’t hide it, with his green eyes so piercing and sincere I had to tell him the one thing I had never said. “Because I love you…obviously…I’m in love with you.”
He lessened the gap between us and closed his eyes with a sigh but still did not touch me. “I was coming here to tell you I wanted to wait…that I didn’t want to jeopardise your education or my career when I wasn’t even sure what we could be.” He ran a thumb over the blush of my cheek and I bit my lip. “But now I know you love me none of it seems to matter anymore.” My eyebrows shot up in surprise, not quite understanding what he was insinuating. “What are you saying?” I asked in a mousey whisper. “I’m saying, Ana,” he took my face in his hands and brought his forehead closer to mine, “that I love you too. And I don’t want to wait. I can’t wait. Not anymore.”
With that, he brought his lips to mine. The hope that had been blooming slowly in my chest exploded as we were reunited once more. Without the haze of alcohol, without the fear of separation, I soaked in his adoration and wrapped myself around him. Without any hesitation, I led him to my bedroom, fell onto the bed and kissed him as if my life depended on it. Two separated lovers became one once again. We were not fevered and rushed. We savoured each other’s touch, each others taste and the way we fit together so perfectly. I lay in his arms after, my hand placed on his firm chest rising with each steady breath, and finally felt like I was home. He kissed the top of my head and wrapped me tighter in his arms then, content in each others company, we slept the soundest sleep either of us had had since leaving Pisciotta.
Chapter 20
“Yes, I think it must be the same virus from last week, I haven’t quite got over it yet.” I stirred from a deep sleep and listened to Sam speaking from the hallway. “I’ll just take today and the weekend to really rest up and start afresh on Monday, if that’s OK?” He peered into the room at the sound of the rustling bedsheets. Holding the mobile phone away from his ear he mouthed “work” and held a finger to his pursed lips to signal I should remain quiet. He padded over to the bed barefoot and sank onto the mattress next to me. “The students were meant to spend time on their final pieces for the gallery show anyway, they shouldn’t need too much instruction.”
He ran a hand absent-mindedly up and down my bare thigh and I squirmed away from his touch. He eyed me, amused, and gripped behind my knee to prevent me from rolling out of his grasp. “I’m sorry once again, but I’d rather regain full health before returning to work. I don’t want to pass anything on to you or the students.” I stifled a gasp while his hand trailed my outer thigh, heading north toward my hip bone. As his fingers reached their mark and my quickening breaths turned into panting he hung up the phone, tossing it unceremoniously onto the floor and climbing further up the bed to hover over me.
“Look at me.” I forced my eyes open and met his scorching gaze. “Hi,” he smiled his warm, crinkly eyed smile and I felt my limbs melting like sweet, gooey caramel. His hand moved up my stomach and lay between my breasts feeling the rapid skipping of my heart. “I missed this. I missed you,” he whispered. He took his time feathering sweet kisses down my throat and across my chest, worshipping my body as no other man had. I stared into his eyes as we made love, hardly believing my luck.
After, when our breathing had calmed, he placed a gentle kiss to the tip of my nose and lay me back against the pillows. “Are you ok?” Sam wrapped an arm around my waist and nuzzled against the crook of my neck. I nodded and stroked the dark hairs across his forearm. He pulled away, propping himself on his elbow and looking down at me with a furrowed brow. “You’re very quiet. I don’t think I’ve heard you say a word all morning.” I rolled my eyes but smiled up at him shyly. “I’m afraid I’m in danger of becoming a little overwhelmed. I don’t remember you being this intense!”
His face split into a boyish grin and he twirled a strand of my hair around his fingers. “Well we have a lot of catching up to do, we’ve been away from each other for too long.” I traced the sinewy lines on his forearm and smiled sadly to myself. “What are we going to do? How is this going to work?” He pulled me closer and kissed the top of my head. “Let’s not talk about that right now. I’ve missed you these past few months. All we are going to do right now is enjoy each other. I have no intentions of letting you out of this bed for the rest of the day.” I giggled as he tickled
my ribs and tried to roll away but he held me tightly.
When the tickling ceased and we relaxed underneath the blankets once more I stared at him seriously. “We have to talk at some point though. A lot has happened since we left Pisciotta. You may change your mind about what you want when we talk.” He frowned and regarded me cautiously. “I don’t think that I will. I understand this has been a hard time for both of us and I know we probably hurt each other. I think I hurt you more than I can bear.” I didn’t respond but hid my face against the smattering of hairs across his chest. “We will talk, Ana, but not today. I want to go somewhere this weekend. How about we take a drive up to Whitby, just the two of us?”
I knew I had to tell Sam about the relationship I’d had with Tom. I knew that once he found out I had been with another man, numerous times, he could change his mind about being with me. But the thought of a whole weekend by the sea with him was too tempting to ruin the prospect with talk of, what I perceived as, my borderline infidelity. I stroked his face and kissed him deeply, burying the guilt that fluttered in my stomach as I nodded and told him I would love a weekend away. We spent the rest of the day in my bed, surfacing from the room only to retrieve food from the kitchen or to visit the shower together. The illusion that everything was shiny and new again would last for a time, but things would soon tarnish when the pain of the past few months came to light.
* * *
Sam went ahead of me and carried my weekend bag out to the car while I locked the flat. I tucked my keys into my cross body bag and jogged down the stairs. “Ana?” On the second landing, I came face to face with Tom exiting his door. He was dressed in a suit which I found strange for the weekend. I had not seen him since I had left for Rome. “Tom! Hi!” He gave me an awkward half-hug with his empty arm, a large gift wrapped in baby pink paper was tucked under the other. “Oh,” he noticed my gaze lingering on the gift and pulled it out to show me. “I’m off to a christening. My friend had a slight lapse of judgement and is making me godfather.”
My Heart Lies in Pisciotta Page 19