A Different Shade of Violet?

by K E Osborn

  “Fuck,” he says and suddenly he lifts himself off me and stands up next to the sofa leaving me feeling a little lost and a lot bereft. I look at him as he starts to pace the lounge room forcing his fingers through his hair.

  “What’s wrong?” I ask as I sit up on the sofa.

  “Why is it so damn hard to stop loving you?” he says quietly and walks toward the front door.

  I sit here confused as I watch him walk out the front door and then he slams it shut behind him making me jump at the loud sound. I stay seated on the sofa not knowing what to do.

  Should I follow him? Or should I just let him walk it off. I understand how he’s feeling, I’m confused too. We have this undeniable chemistry that keeps drawing us to each other and yet we know we’re not going to end up together. So we need to fight it, because if I don’t start fighting my feelings for Hudson, when this does all come to an end, it will be like losing him all over again and I need to save myself from that.

  I’m sad right now because maybe that will be the last kiss Hudson and I will ever share? Maybe that was our goodbye?

  I decide I can’t just sit here and wait for him to come back, he’s hurting, I’m hurting. We need to sort this out. I stand up and slip on my thongs and walk out the front door. I was expecting to see him on the swing seat, but he isn’t there. I proceed around to the front yard looking for him, but he’s nowhere to be seen. I huff and walk around the side of the house and notice a small hill, and at the bottom of the small hill I spot a creek and what I think I is a figure standing there. I huff and start to walk toward him. I can see his outline, it’s definitely Hudson. I walk in silence for a couple of minutes until I’m close enough to call out to him.

  “Hudson?”

  He turns to face me and his face contorts with rage as he throws his hands up in the air in frustration. “What the fucking fuck, Violet? You’re not supposed to leave the cabin. You’re in protective custody for fuck’s sake. You know you’re not supposed to leave the cabin. It’s fucking dangerous out here. Turn around and go back inside right fucking now!” he yells storming toward me.

  I furrow my brows at his sudden outburst. And to be honest I can’t believe he just spoke to me like that.

  What am I a child? And what’s with all the expletives?

  “You’re supposed to be here to protect me Hudson. What good is me being in the cabin if you’re down here at the creek and not actually protecting me, huh?” I yell right back at him getting my frustrations out.

  “Fuck,” he yells storming past me and back toward the cabin. He seems frustrated, and I know that he knows I’m right and that’s why he’s racing to get away from me right now.

  I let him storm away from me and back to the cabin. I follow slowly behind him. He’s angry at himself for kissing me. I get that, but seriously does he have to treat me like that? He has to know I’m hurting too?

  I cross my arms over my chest because it’s the start of winter and up here the wind chill seems even colder than in the city. I very slowly walk back up the porch stairs and inside the cabin to see Hudson standing at the kitchen sink looking out the window.

  I close the front door behind me with a click and look over at him and sigh. He won’t even look at me. I shake my head and walk over to the bed, getting in and decide that I can’t be bothered with this anymore so I’m just going to sleep. I’ve never slept as much as I do here. I guess ‘cause the only things to do are talk with Hudson, watch television and, you guessed it… sleep.

  “Are you going to bed?” he finally says something as I get in and rest my head on the pillow.

  “There’s nothing else to do,” I reply without looking at him.

  “What about your dinner. I’ll make us something now,” he says and then I hear him moving about the kitchen.

  “I suddenly lost my appetite.”

  I hear him exhale, but he doesn’t say anything. He continues to work in the kitchen while I lay on my back and stare at the ceiling aware of how very cold I feel. Bone chillingly freezing, in fact.

  “Fuck, this is bullshit,” Hudson says making me look over at him. He’s sitting at the kitchen table staring at me.

  “I’m sorry I kissed you,” I murmur and he shakes his head.

  “It’s my fault, I kissed back,” he says and I nod and put my head back down on the pillow.

  “I’m sorry I yelled at you outside. I’m just so mixed up right now. I don’t know what I’m doing, or how I’m supposed to be feeling. My head is saying one thing, but my body and most of all my heart are telling me something completely different. I don’t know how to do this, Vee,” he says honestly.

  I sit up on the bed and look at him.

  “I don’t think there’s a right or wrong way to feel, Hudson. We love each other and that’s a tough bond to break. But just because you love someone doesn’t make it right… right?” I ask and he closes his eyes and runs his hand through his hair.

  “I don’t know anymore, Vee,” he says opening his eyes and looking at me like he wants to cry.

  The sight takes me aback and I stare at him in confusion. “Hudson, how can we work? I’m angry at you for the way you treated me when you found out. You’re angry at me for keeping something so big from you. I love you, yes, there’s no doubt about that. But sometimes when you’re angry, I just know we can’t work. How can it work?” I ask even though I want us to work out so desperately it’s making me want to cry. But I know I won’t, I haven’t cried for so long since Hudson left and now just like last time my tears have all dried up.

  “I know, deep down I know we can’t work, and that’s why I stayed away from you after we broke up, because I knew if I was near you I wouldn’t be able to restrain myself. That’s why I was so adamant about not coming here with you because I knew this situation we’re in right now would happen. And it can’t happen again, Vee. We both know this only ends one way for us, and that’s not together. Too much damage has been done by us both to fix us. Maybe we should just try to stay away from each other. We shouldn’t be here for much longer anyway, they’re closing in on the Dogs and it should only be a matter of time before they can get Mad Dog alone.”

  “Is that what you really want? For us to ignore each other for our last days in each other’s company?” I ask sounding as hurt as I feel.

  He winces and shakes his head. “No, that’s not what I want, but I’m just trying to do the right thing by us both. As I said, I have no idea what I’m doing, Vee,” he says and stands up walking over to the bed and sitting down next to me on the mattress.

  I swallow the lump in my throat and look at his gorgeous face.

  “In the theme of full disclosure and honesty. Can you tell me exactly why you don’t want me?” I ask and he exhales and his body slumps.

  “Don’t think that I don’t want you, Vee. Every inch of me wants you, craves you. But how do you think it makes me feel knowing about the hundreds – maybe even thousands of men you’ve been with? It churns my stomach,” he says and I look down at my hands in my lap and nod.

  “Honestly it churns mine when I think about it too.”

  “And how am I supposed to react to the way I feel when I touch you? I can’t help but feel dirty and I know that’s a horrible thing to say, but it’s full disclosure you wanted.”

  I bite my bottom lip, I was afraid of that being his answer. “I know, but if it’s any consolation I’ve only been with you for the last two years.”

  He frowns and shakes his head. “It helps for a second, and then I remember all the men before those two years and I feel sick all over again,” he says quietly.

  I nod and he takes my hand in his.

  “I thought that’s what the issue was. I’m so sorry you feel that way, but I understand it. I know I must make you feel dirty because I feel dirty and repulsed at myself. And if I could take the past away and make it less confronting I would, trust me because you’re worth fighting for, Hudson,” I say even though I can’t look at him.

/>   “Now you’re just making me feel bad.”

  “That wasn’t my intention. I just want you to know that I would’ve fought for us because you’re my rock and I love you. But I understand that you’re not attracted to me anymore and that makes being in a relationship difficult. Plus, the whole job situation well, that makes it impossible. So, I think I can finally let you go knowing that I would’ve given it my all, but sometimes your all just isn’t enough.”

  He exhales and sniffs wiping his cheek, I finally look up and notice he’s crying.

  “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you,” I say holding his hand tighter.

  “It’s okay, I know I’m the one doing this, not you. It’s just only now hit me that we are really done, aren’t we?” he says choking back the words.

  My bottom lip trembles and I nod as my eyes mist up. Another tear falls down his cheek and I quickly wipe it away.

  “I love you. I will always love you, Hudson… always,” I say fighting hard to keep my emotions in check. I want to scream, I want to run – anywhere, but here. I want him to hold me so badly my body is aching and I can’t do any of it. I have to sit here and deal with it as we officially break up.

  “I will always love you too, Vee. I don’t know that I will ever get over you—”

  “Just promise me one thing,” I interrupt, he half-smiles and nods as he wipes his nose with the back of his hand. “Don’t go back to Cassie.”

  “You really hate her don’t you?”

  I nod and he smiles at me. “Come here,” he says putting his arms out in a hugging motion. I scurry to him and he wraps me up in his arms and I feel like I’m home, and I guess it will be the last time I will ever feel like I’m completely where I’m meant to belong.

  We hold each other for a short while, not saying anything but just merely enjoying the moment. I hear him exhale as he nuzzles into my hair. I lean into him further trying to take as much of him as I can get before he pulls away for good.

  “I guess I’ll let you sleep,” he says and slowly starts to pull away from me.

  I sniff as the feeling of dread and loss slowly comes creeping in with every centimeter he backs away from me. “I’ll see you in the morning,” he says, leans back in and gently kisses my forehead. He lingers longer than normal but eventually pulls away and stands from the bed. Looking down at me, he smiles, finally letting my hand go and then walks back over to the kitchen with his back to me.

  I sniff and lay back down on the bed and close my eyes tight trying to shut out the past few moments. I wish I was anywhere but here right now. The thought of spending the next few days with Hudson and not being able to touch him is literally killing me and I hate the thought of never being able to touch him, kiss him or make love to him ever again.

  My eyes water as I try my hardest to think of a happier time, but all my happy times are with either Hudson or Danny and both of them end with undeniable heartbreak.

  How did my life become one big messed up pile of shit?

  I roll on my side with my back toward the kitchen. I can hear him moving around in there so I try to block out the noise and even though I feel like I might never sleep again, the blackness hits me before I can even prepare for it.

  I hear a loud thud that wakes me up. The cabin is pitch black and I can hear scuffling and heavy huffing.

  “What the fuck?” I murmur to myself as I reach over and turn on the lamp next to the bed. My eyes automatically close and I squint trying to adjust to the bright light. I hear a moan like someone is in pain and I open my eyes to see Mad Dog and his cronies sitting with Hudson tied to a chair with tape over his mouth.

  “Holy shit! Hudson,” I scream out as I move to jump up from the bed and rush over to him.

  “Nuh uh uh, stay right where you are,” Mad Dog sneers while paralysing fear leaches through me. I stop on the edge of the bed as I look into Hudson’s eyes, they’re pleading with me. I know he wants me to make a run for it, but I won’t leave him.

  One of the Dogs walks into the kitchen and grabs a large knife. My eyes open wide and my breathing starts to rush.

  “It’s me you want, let Hudson go,” I yell and they all laugh which in turn causes me to panic. I stand up from the bed and walk toward Mad Dog, who’s grinning at me with an evil glare.

  Hudson moves in his restraints and says something in desperation, but I can’t understand because of the tape that’s plastered tightly across his mouth.

  “Oh sweetheart, no one is leaving here. You get what I’m saying?” Mad Dog declares and I tense up. I look at Hudson and shake my head as my heart pounds ferociously in my chest.

  “I’m sorry,” I whisper at Hudson. His eyes open wide and he shakes his head from side to side like he’s saying, ‘no.’ I race forward to the guy with the knife, but before I have a chance to get to him Mad Dog grabs my hair and I fall backward to the floor letting out a scream.

  “Please don’t hurt him,” I say while I start to really cry for the first time. “Please kill me, but not him,” I beg and Mad Dog laughs and shakes his head.

  “I love hearing people beg, it makes it all the more fun when they don’t get what they want,” he says and he nods to the Dog with the knife. I look at him and he walks up to Hudson and places the knife at his throat. I scream and try to struggle out of the grasp of Mad Dog, but he has my hair too tightly wound around his hand.

  “Say goodbye, Boss,” Mad Dog states and I look straight into Hudson’s eyes, their watering and his nostrils are flaring. I cry hard as I fail to get to him.

  “Hudson, I love you,” I yell just as the Dog slits Hudson’s throat. His eyes close and his head falls to the side.

  “Nooooooo,” I scream and cry, thrashing around trying to get out of Mad Dog’s grip and back to Hudson to stop the bleeding.

  “Hudson… Rock, wake up… wake up and come back to me,” I yell as Mad Dog picks me up and throws me on the bed. I stop fighting and sob.

  “I’m going to enjoy this,” Mad Dog says and then his hands are around my throat strangling me so tightly that I can’t breathe. I try to scream as the other Dogs circle around the bed to watch me die. I claw at his hands while they tighten around my throat. I can smell the alcohol on his breath as he grits his teeth. I look into his eyes and there’s nothing in them, no soul, no remorse, nothing. I try to scream, but nothing is coming out but gurgles. I can’t get any oxygen in at all. I try one last time to scream with everything I have so the police at the front of the property can hear me…

  “Vee,” I hear Hudson calling me in the distance. I look over to his body and he’s still motionless. “Violet,” I hear it again as my body starts to shake. Everything is fading to black. This is it. I’m finally going to be free.

  “Violet, wake the fuck up!” I hear as my body shakes violently.

  I open my eyes to see that Hudson is over the top of me shaking my shoulders and I’m trying to fight him off. I stop my hands from slapping at him and he looks at me like he’s really concerned.

  “Vee, are you with me?” he asks.

  I take in gasps of air trying to calm myself from the terrible nightmare.

  “You were screaming and gasping for air. Are you okay?” he asks as I study his gorgeous face.

  “You’re alive?” I finally blurt out.

  “Yes, of course, I’m alive,” he says and I can’t help myself as I lunge forward and take him into my arms holding onto him as tightly as humanly possible.

  “You’re alive, thank God. You’re alive,” I murmur under my breath.

  “Vee, of course I’m alive. What’s going on?” he asks pulling me from him so he can look at me. My whole body is shaking and I can’t seem to catch my breath. So I lean forward again taking him in my arms. “Vee, talk to me,” he says as he holds onto me and strokes my hair.

  “I thought I’d lost you. I saw them slit your throat. I… I—”

  “Shh, it’s okay. It was just a dream. I’m here and we’re both safe. I won’t let anything ha
ppen to you,” he says comforting me as we rock back and forth while he tries to calm me.

  My heart is racing so fast.

  The dream felt so real.

  I watched him die.

  I lean back in his arms so I can see his face, but so I’m still wrapped in him. He looks into my watering eyes and he furrows his brows.

  “I love you so much,” I whisper as I bring my hand up to caress his cheek.

  “I know Vee, but about what we said today? I—”

  “Shh, I just need to look at you. Make sure you’re really here,” I whisper as I caress his face and look into his eyes.

  “I’m here with you. I’m fine, Vee. No one slit my throat. I’m alive and you’re safe, there’s no need to worry,” he exhales as I continue to stare into his concerned eyes.

  “God I love you. I love you so fucking much,” I reiterate as I lean forward and press my lips to his. The thought of losing him is making me crazy, and I just need to be sure he really is here. So I open my mouth and give him access. He’s reluctant, but I run my hands through his hair and pull his mouth to mine forcefully. He moans, in either pleasure or disapproval, but I don’t care, I need him right now. He tries to pull away from me, but I hold onto him tighter.

  “Vee… Vee, stop,” he murmurs against my lips, but I don’t take any notice. “Vee—”

  I break the kiss for a second. “I need you, Hudson,” I reply and then my lips are back to his. He’s still hesitant in his kiss, but he kisses back and slowly his tongue connects with mine. I moan in pleasure and he replies with a deep growl that emanates from his chest. He suddenly has his hands wrapped around me and he pushes me to the bed, putting his weight on top of me. Our kiss is fiery and passionate and my hands are running up and down his bare muscular back. I can feel every muscle that I’ve so desperately missed and I take time to reacquaint myself with them all. He’s only wearing boxers and I notice his hard cock grinding against me. I gasp in response and his lips leave mine and make their way to my neck. He lifts his weight slightly so I can undo the buttons of my pajama top. His lips come back to mine while I undo the buttons as quickly as I can. Both of our breathing is rushed and harsh as he comes in to kiss me hard and passionately. I pull the pajamas off me and he looks down at my exposed breasts and he smiles salaciously. I grin at the look on his face.