Impossible

by Danielle Steel

  “Yes, you did” was all she said.

  “How bad was it?” he asked cautiously. He didn't remember a great deal about the night before. She did.

  “Very bad,” she answered, listing his exploits. Among them, she mentioned his grabbing her behind, which had blown their cover forever among her acquaintances and friends. “My favorite, of course, was the incident with the horse. You looked absolutely charming, scaring the horse and the children, playing cowboy and shouting 'Yippee-kie-yay.' I think everyone from here to Chicago heard you.” She was not amused, nor was he. He didn't want to be treated like a child, or scolded by her. He was an adult, and could behave any way he wanted, or so he said. He told Sasha he'd been behaving sensibly for a long time. He needed to let some steam off.

  “I told you, Sasha. You can't control me. My family tried to, and I'm not going to let you do that to me. Everyone needs to let their hair down sometimes. So fucking what if I did?” He was being extremely defensive, and felt like shit.

  “You embarrassed me,” she said, looking at him. He had started to push the dial toward impossible again, and it had been going so well. She was willing to stand up beside him, and go out into the world with him, even her world, but not if he behaved like this, and claimed rights of total freedom just because he was an artist. If he didn't want to be controlled, then he had to learn to police himself. “I'm not going to go out with you if you act that way,” she said sadly, even more upset about it because he wasn't in the least remorseful.

  “Then don't,” Liam said, sounding belligerent. “You sound just like my father, and I'm not going to take that shit from you. You can't punish me and leave me home because I have a few drinks at a party.”

  “You had a few dozen drinks, and you saw to it that everyone in the place who cared to watch knew that we're involved with each other.”

  “I'm tired of keeping it a secret.” It had become less and less of a secret during the month they'd been in New York. Bernard knew before that. Marcie knew. Tatianna knew. Xavier knew. And God only knew who else suspected. As long as he behaved, she was willing to come out of the closet with him eventually, but not if he acted like that.

  “Then act like a grown-up, and it won't have to be a secret.”

  “If you loved me, you wouldn't want to keep this a secret.” He sounded like a wounded child, which was how he felt. He wanted her approval, and for her to be proud of him, not ashamed.

  “I do love you, but I'm not going to let you make a spectacle of me. It's tough enough with our difference in age. I need time to get used to that. You seem to need time to grow up.”

  “For chrissake, Sasha, nine years is nothing. Give that one up. I am grown up. I'm an artist, and a free spirit. I'm not going to be trained like some circus dog, so you can impress your friends and appease your daughter. Either you love me as I am, or you don't.”

  “Is that what this is about? Tatianna? Liam, she needs time to settle down. This was a huge shock for her. She thinks I betrayed her father. She adored him. This was a tremendous blow for her. And your acting like a savage at parties is not going to help convince anyone that this is a viable relationship, least of all me.” He didn't say a word to her, just strode out of the kitchen and slammed the door. She saw him from the living-room windows, walking down the beach. They were both upset. The night before had been awful. The worst part was, they were both going back to Europe the next day, she to Paris and he to London. They had no time left to bridge the gap and repair the damage if they got into an argument on their last day.

  He was still sulking when they drove back to town that night. And when she offered to cook him dinner, he said he wasn't hungry. After all he'd had to drink the night before, she suspected he probably wasn't. She cooked him some pasta anyway, and as they sat at the table together, he finally started to relax.

  “I'm sorry I acted like an ass last night. It was stupid. I don't know, I'm not used to all these responsibilities and restrictions. I don't want to have to act a certain way to get your approval and everyone else's. I just want to be me, and have you love me the way I am. Hell, Sasha, sometimes I just want to go have a beer with the doorman. He seems like a nice guy.”

  “I'm sure he is. I'm sorry my life feels so restrictive to you.” She looked sad about it. It was the kind of thing she had been worried about from the beginning, with his phobia about being “controlled.” Any kind of expectations or civilized behavior felt like control to him. But that was what her life was all about. She couldn't do whatever she wanted. And if he was with her, neither could he. He was finding it very hard to live with, just as she had feared. Maybe this wasn't possible after all. “I don't know what to say, Liam. I don't want to make you unhappy. But you can't go crazy anytime you want.” Fortunately, it had been the only time it happened, but it was a biggie. For both of them. He had been trying to prove a point. Or just lost control, big time.

  “What happens when we go back?” he asked, looking worried. He didn't want to lose her because of the way he had behaved the night before. But he didn't want her telling him how to act either. He wanted her unconditional love and acceptance, and said so. But sometimes that was hard to give between adults, particularly if doing so cost too much. And in her opinion, it did. It was a dilemma for both of them, a serious one. In order to prove her love for him, she had to put herself at risk. If it didn't work out between them in the end, people would laugh at her forever, or so she thought. That bothered her a lot. She wanted to stay discreet until they figured it out. The restrictions that put on him were driving him nuts, and injuring his already damaged self-esteem. If they stayed together, he wanted to know he had the freedom to be himself. All she wanted from him was to grow up. It was the one thing he didn't want to do and never had. And underlying all of it was her concern about her daughter's reaction to him. Undeniably, Tatianna and Liam were off to a bad start.

  “I'm going to be working in Paris for the rest of July,” she said, in answer to his question about when they went back. “You can come over whenever you want. I leave with the kids on August first.”

  “And then what?” he asked, and she looked blank, she didn't know what he meant.

  “What happens when you leave with the kids?”

  “I told you. We're going to St. Tropez, and I've chartered a boat. I'll be gone for three weeks. We can go somewhere after that, if you want. I have to be back in New York for a week or so in September. You can come then too, if you like. But you should probably be getting ready for your show.” She sounded like his mother and his dealer, it was the position he put her in sometimes, instead of just the woman he loved, and who loved him.

  “What about when you're with the kids? Am I welcome there, too?” he asked, looking both hurt and belligerent again. They had talked about his joining them on the boat for a few days of the trip, especially since Xavier would be there too, and Liam could masquerade as just his friend, or could have, but not now. All of that was before Tatianna had walked in on them naked in Southampton, and all hell broke loose. Now both her children knew who he was, and his role in her life.

  “Liam, after what happened with Tatianna, you can't expect to come with us. That's going to take time to calm down.” Sasha still hadn't spoken to her herself. Tatianna was still refusing to take or return her calls, and Sasha had finally sent her a note, hoping to make peace with her. She had heard nothing from her yet. As far as Sasha knew, the war was still on. And Xavier knew nothing different. Sasha had spoken to him several times. He still thought Tatianna would calm down, but she hadn't yet. He said she was being juvenile and stubborn, and had accused her of being a brat. So now she was angry at him too.

  “Maybe you need to stand up to her, and tell her the lay of the land,” Liam said, looking annoyed. He was furious with Sasha's daughter, and she didn't blame him. But she didn't want to risk a permanent rift with her daughter over him.

  “I need to talk to her first, before I can explain anything to her.”

  “
And will you do that? Are you willing to stand up for me, or are you just going to let her kick me around, while you kiss her ass?”

  “Liam, that's not fair,” Sasha said, with tears stinging her eyes. “She's my daughter. I'm not willing to lose her over this, even for you. I need to make peace with her first. And we need to see how this works out. If it does, I'll deal with her. But nothing is sure yet.” He knew it himself, but didn't want to admit it to her.

  “How long do you expect me to audition for you?” he said, as he stood up and looked down at her, and she looked up at him.

  “You're not auditioning. We're trying to see if this can work. There are a lot of differences between us. It's not an obvious fit.”

  “I thought it was,” he said, and then walked out of the kitchen. He packed his things in the guest room, while she was packing hers. She wondered if he would sleep with her that night, and was relieved when he did. They didn't make love, they just held each other. Sasha fell asleep, and Liam lay awake most of the night, staring up at the ceiling with a look of grief. It broke his heart that she wasn't willing to stand up for him, or defend him to Tatianna. He had promised her in April that he would keep their affair a secret, for a while anyway. But when he did, he had had no idea how much doing so would hurt him. As he lay in bed that night thinking about all of it, his agony was acute.

  Chapter 16

  Sasha and Liam flew back to Europe separately, she to Paris, he to London. They got back at roughly the same time, and she called him that night. He sounded distant. They talked for a little while, and he promised to come to Paris that weekend. She wondered if he would. He sounded unhappy with her now. Tatianna had hurt him, and the relationship, badly. She had also hurt her mother. But Sasha was not willing to wage war on her for Liam. Tatianna was her daughter, and had a birthright to the unconditional love he wanted from her. Liam didn't.

  He had dinner with Xavier that week, and discussed it with him, but Xavier had had an easier childhood and youth than he had. He had had wonderful parents who he knew loved him. Liam didn't, and had the scars to prove it. They were costing Sasha now, just as whatever she had suffered in her youth inevitably cost him. Their differences in age and lifestyle didn't help either. Sasha was back to wondering again if their love affair was possible. She wanted it to be, but not if she had to ally with him against her daughter. For her, that was too high a price to pay for loving him.

  He drove to Paris on Friday night, and they spent a peaceful weekend together. He stayed for the fourteenth of July, and they watched the parade on the Champs Elysées. He thought it was fun but said he missed the Yankees. He also missed his kids. He had wanted to see them again before he left the States, but they were away on a trip with Beth, and he had promised to visit them again in September.

  The gallery was always quiet in July, and she was looking forward to her vacation with the children. She said as little as possible about it to Liam, so as not to rub salt in his wounds about not being invited. Tatianna was finally speaking to her again, though barely. Sasha had talked to Xavier, and he had agreed with her that it was probably a better idea if Liam didn't join them on their vacation. More than likely, it would drive Tatianna right over the edge again, and result in a confrontation. Xavier had said as much to Liam, he told his mother. Tatianna wasn't being reasonable, and only time would help the situation. She was obsessed about Liam's existence in Sasha's life being a disrespect to her father.

  On their last weekend before the trip, walking in the Bois de Boulogne with the dog, Liam turned to look at Sasha.

  “What are you going to do about your vacation?” The question took her by surprise. She thought they had settled it, although neither of them liked the sacrifice they would be making. She wanted him along too, but it was out of the question. As it turned out, he had been waiting for her to change her mind, or Tatianna's. The fact that she hadn't, he interpreted and felt as the ultimate betrayal by Sasha. She was failing to defend him and stand by him. It seemed childish and unreasonable to her. But it was a deal-breaker to him.

  “What do you mean? What am I going to do? I thought we agreed that it won't work this year.” If they stayed together, and she hoped they would, there would be other vacations. This one just wasn't going to work. She needed time to work things out with Tatianna.

  “You're not going to confront her, are you?” Sasha sighed and looked up at him. His face looked like granite.

  “Not now. I will later, if I have to. I hope I don't have to do that. She'll get used to the idea of us in time. Sometimes even adults have a hard time getting used to their parents dating other people.” Sasha attributed it to that and not the horrifying scene at the house in Southampton, which had certainly been an unpleasant way to introduce him to her daughter.

  “She'll never accept me, if you don't make her.” He looked stubborn.

  “She only started talking to me again last week,” Sasha said sadly. One of them was going to lose here. She didn't want it to be them. “I can't cram this down her throat, Liam. She needs time.”

  “She's acting like a brat,” he said truthfully, but unkindly. Sasha knew it, too. But Tatianna was still her daughter. He said it with a nasty tone in his voice, which annoyed her.

  “So are you,” she said softly. He walked away from her then, to play with the dog. On the drive home, he said nothing. He looked petulant and angry, a small boy furious with his mother. A man betrayed by his lover.

  She was cooking dinner for them, when he came downstairs with his backpack in his hand and walked into the kitchen.

  “What are you doing?” she asked, as fear darted up her spine. She knew before he answered.

  “I'm leaving. I'm not going to be treated like a dirty little secret by you, and humiliated by your daughter.”

  “Liam, please…,” she said, as panic filled her voice. “Give us a chance. We knew right from the beginning this would take time. And you're not a secret.” Tatianna knew, which was the problem.

  “No, I'm a disgrace. You're ashamed of me.” They both thought of the Fourth of July barbecue when he said it, and Sasha didn't answer.

  “I'm not ashamed of you. I love you. But you're asking me to choose between you and one of my children. That's not fair. Don't ask me to do that.” There were tears in her eyes when she said it. He was asking her to do the impossible for him, and dooming them if she didn't.

  “That's what it takes sometimes. I need you to love and respect me. You don't.”

  “If you loved and respected me, you wouldn't ask me to choose between you and my daughter.” He stood and looked at her and said nothing. And then finally he spoke again, as he picked up the backpack.

  “It's over, Sasha. I'm done. We've used up all our tickets. You were right in the beginning. It is impossible. I guess it always was. I thought we could do it. I was wrong, and you were right.” She didn't want to be right. She wanted to be wrong. She wanted that more than ever. It felt as though they had come so close this time. Until he gave her this awful choice.

  She started to come toward him, and he put up a hand to stop her. “Don't! I love you. I'm going back to London. Don't call me. It's over.” And then the final cruelty. “Give my best to Tatianna. Tell her she won.” Without another word, he walked out of her house. He closed the door quietly this time. She heard the big bronze outer door bang shut shortly after, as she stood alone in her kitchen, staring after him, at the spot where he had been standing only moments before, as tears rolled down her cheeks. She hadn't felt as terrible about anything or anyone since she lost Arthur.

  She sat down on the kitchen floor, next to the dog, and stroked her as she sobbed. Socks was all she had left of him now. He was gone, back to his own life, and she knew he meant it this time.

  She sat there crying for a long time in the dark kitchen. She didn't bother to turn on the lights. She just sat there, crying, and whispered one word into the darkness. “Impossible.” By then, Liam was on the road to London, convinced of the same thing.


  Chapter 17

  The time in St. Tropez would have been fun for her, if her heart hadn't been aching when they got there. Xavier knew instantly when he arrived and met her at the Byblos Hotel, where they were staying, that something terrible had happened. He hadn't seen her look like that since the awful time twenty-two months before, when his father died. Xavier had suspected as much when he ran into Liam in a pub the night before he left, with a beautiful young girl. Liam had been kissing her, and was extremely drunk. Xavier felt his heart drop into his stomach. He knew then it must have ended between Liam and his mother. Except for the single slip that led to his divorce, Liam was no cheater. If he was out with another woman, openly, it was over with Sasha.

  “Did you two have a fight?” Xavier asked her quietly, as they had a Pernod on the terrace.

  “He wanted me to have a showdown with Tatianna. I told him it was too early. He wanted to come on the vacation. Maybe he's right. But I'm not willing to jeopardize my relationship with her. He wanted too much too soon. I couldn't do it. She's not ready. I think this is about his history with his family. All his life they told him he wasn't good enough, and shut him out. He thought I was saying the same thing. I wasn't. I just wanted some time for Tati to calm down after Southampton. And this vacation was too soon.” He acted like a child sometimes, and they both knew it. He was, in some ways. A brilliant, talented child who acted out when he felt rejected. The worst part of it was that she knew she loved him. But she loved her daughter more.

  “It was stupid of him,” Xavier said, looking annoyed. At twenty-six, he was a lot more mature than Liam. “I told him the same thing you did. All he had to do was relax, and give it time.”

  “I guess he couldn't.” The echoes of his past were still too strong, and maybe always would be. At a certain age, people who loved each other had to accommodate each other's baggage, and if they couldn't, it didn't work. It hadn't for Liam.