Blackness Awaits

by Karlsson, Norma Jeanne

  I’m thin right now. I’m not thin, I’m wasting away. I can hardly eat, I’m working out like a fiend, and I sleep for shit unless I’m smashed against Kavy, Sully or Cally. I need Kel. I’m not dependent on him or weak without him, I’m lost. If our relationship had ended normally I’d be fine. I would have been sad for a while, but I would have moved on (that’s my story and I’m sticking to it). This is like being stuck in purgatory. I can’t move on because he’s still mine, but I can’t stop existing because he’s not here. So I go through the motions and wait. I still have fun with the guys and do everything else I would normally do. Oddly enough, I’m happy. I could be happier though and that sucks. Knowing there’s another level of joy that I can’t reach sucks.

  I still see Mia every week. It’s like a small connection to Kel that makes it even more fulfilling than it already was. Butch is doing well. He got a job at the local GM plant and seems to be building a life on the straight and narrow. He texts or calls me with updates every day. Kel was right, I didn’t lose Mia. Maybe Butch could help us. I know that sounds crazy, but he was a distributor for the largest meth manufacturer in the Midwest. He may be able to give us some ideas where to look for proof of drug activity.

  “You guys think Butch could help us?” I ask the guys.

  “What do you mean Butch?” Cally asks shocked.

  “He knows the drug world. He might be able to give us some inside information about trafficking drugs,” I explain getting more excited the more I think about it.

  “That’s not a bad idea, Kid,” Finn chimes in. “You think he’d go for that?”

  “All I can do is ask,” I say with a shrug. My shoulder jabs Sully in the chest and he winces.

  “You have GOT to gain some fuckin’ weight. Your shoulder just bruised me. That’s not normal,” Sully chastises me.

  “Don’t start in on me now,” I plead and roll my eyes. I sit up in his lap and look into his chocolate eyes. They’re stormy and about to let loose on me.

  “Nope, I’m done keepin’ my mouth shut. You look like shit. You look like a skeleton draped in skin, it’s gross. You are gross! You are the most stunnin’ woman the world has ever known and it’s time to get that back. You’re gonna have a baby here in eleven weeks you need to be able to care for. No baby is gonna lie on your boney-ass body and be comfortable. Plus, you need to be able to stand in front of a judge and look fit and healthy so you can get custody. You don’t look either right now,” he informs me harshly.

  “O’Sullivan,” Kavy warns.

  “Fuck that Kav, she needs to hear this. I know you’re strugglin’ without Kellerman, but this has gone on long enough. Get your shit together and get back to yourself. He tries to come home and fuck you he’ll end up in the hospital from your hip bones givin’ him internal bleeding.” I snort at that.

  “A pound a week. That’s the goal,” Sully orders.

  “Okay,” I concede. That argument was too good to try to fight against. He’s right.

  “Okay?” Kavy questions.

  “Okay,” I repeat looking at Kavy with a panty dropping smile.

  “Kellerman come home and give you some while we weren’t lookin’?” Cally asks.

  “No,” I huff seeing where this is going.

  “Well whatever happened keep doin’ it so we don’t have to fight you all the goddamn time,” Kavy instructs. I flip him off with both hands and climb out of Sully’s lap.

  “Who wants Five Guys?” I entice them with burgers and fries.

  “Me,” they all clamor in unison.

  “Let’s go,” I say turning on my heel headed toward the garage.

  Sully just said I’m going to have a baby in eleven weeks. I haven’t thought of that. I know that sounds bizarre, but I’ve been so focused on healing myself and getting Kel back I didn’t think about his baby coming too. How the fuck could I have missed that? I didn’t miss, but I haven’t been counting on it. If Kel doesn’t find anything juicy on Cassie I don’t get a baby or Kel. I don’t even know what Kel’s having. I need to get a nursery together. Fuck I need baby supplies: diapers, bottles, a crib, a changing table and a whole lot of other shit!

  We all pile into Cally’s SUV and head to Five Guys. I turn around in the passenger seat.

  “We need to turn the guest room into a nursery. I need to start shoppin’ like yesterday. I have no clue what I’m doin’. How could you guys let me slack for this long?!” I reprimand them in a high squeaky voice.

  “There she is,” Finn says in a laugh. “There’s our Kid.”

  “Fuck you, Finn. You just bought yourself baby proofing duty,” I scold with an eyebrow raised.

  “Who knew tellin’ you that you look gross would have such a positive effect on you?” Sully snarks from behind me. I launch over my seat at him and pull his hair like a girl. “Ow, ow, ow! Let go, fuck. I didn’t miss this part of you.” I let him go and sit down in my seat.

  “Yes you did!” I exclaim.

  “Yes we did,” they all agree.

  Kavanagh

  Kellerman: Tell me you found something.

  Kavanagh: Nothing yet. Cooper’s coming in today. Kid’s calling Butch too.

  Kellerman: Butch?

  Kavanagh: His past profession may help.

  Kellerman: Didn’t think of that.

  Kavanagh: Neither did I. Kid’s idea. She’s on a fucking mission.

  Kellerman: I need to text her. I can barely get away from Crazy long enough to text you.

  Kavanagh: No shit? It’s 6 here, meaning it’s 4 there. Sleep much?

  Kellerman: You’d never sleep if you had to sleep next to this bitch.

  Kavanagh: You want me to wake Kid up so you can talk to her?

  Kellerman: Let her sleep. I’m guessing she’s not getting a lot.

  Kavanagh: If I move away from her she’s wide awake. It’s unreal.

  Kellerman: I fucking hate that. 11 more weeks man.

  Kavanagh: Yeah Kid just got that memo last night.

  Kellerman: What?

  Kavanagh: I’ve told you she’s been struggling. Can’t eat. Working out all the time. Weighs maybe a buck 10.

  Kellerman: Yeah.

  Kavanagh: Last night O’Sullivan laid it out for her. Told her to get her shit together. That a baby’s coming in 11 weeks and she needs to be at her best. Totally flipped her out!

  Kellerman: Again…what?

  Kavanagh: She’s been so focused on her therapy and getting you away from CRAZY that she didn’t think about you coming home with a baby. It’s not like she doesn’t want the baby she just misses you.

  Kellerman: I guess I’m around the baby shit all the time it’s all I think about. If I could rip that baby out of her body today I would.

  Kavanagh: Well when you get here Kid’ll have it in order. She shopped online last night until 2 in the morning. I had to rip the laptop out of her lap and hold her down to make her sleep.

  Kellerman: LOL that sounds like her.

  Kavanagh: She’s back. It’s like the old Kid again. Your baby did that!

  Kellerman: I can’t wait to get him home to you guys.

  Kavanagh: Him? You’re having a boy?!

  Kellerman: Fuck that’s right I haven’t talked to you guys. Yeah it’s a boy!

  Kavanagh: That’s awesome! Kid is gonna freak!!

  Kellerman: The succubus is awake. Gotta go. Tell Kid I love her.

  Kavanagh: Will do.

  Kellerman’s having a boy. Kid will love that. She’d love a girl too but she’s used to boys. Now she can quit freaking out about if green is actually gender neutral. That’s a conversation I never want to have again. She snuggles tighter into my chest and I squeeze her firmly. I remember not too long ago getting elbowed and kicked if I was wrapped around her too tightly, now she can’t get enough contact.

  She really is like the old Kid again. She ate a double burger and large fries for dinner, then came home and polished off a pint of ice cream. She’ll have her weight back up in no time. Wh
o knew O’Sullivan calling her gross would make her so happy? When she gets her hands on Kel’s baby she’ll be like a new woman. I can’t wait to see that.

  Kellerman

  Cassie is standing up out of bed when I come into the room.

  “What were you doing?” she asks in an accusatory tone.

  “Takin’ a shit,” I lie.

  “Do you really have to be so gross?” she asks climbing back into bed.

  “Just bein’ me,” I say sarcastically.

  “Come back to bed and warm me up,” she commands. She knows that won’t happen though. I haven’t laid a hand on her and I won’t. I’m forced to sleep in this house, in this bed, but I won’t fuck her.

  “I’ll pass,” I say climbing into my side of the California king allowing for plenty of individual sleeping space.

  “Come on, Dylan. How long are you gonna hold out on me? You know I suck a mean cock. Don’t you want your dick sucked?” she asks in a sex-filled voice. That voice just made my balls retreat into my stomach.

  “I’d love to get my dick sucked. Just not by you.”

  “So we’re gonna get married and never fuck? You’re gonna spend the rest of your life celibate?”

  “Yup,” I pop my p replying cheerfully.

  “I can’t live a life without sex, Dylan. I need to get laid,” she chides.

  “So get laid. I don’t give a shit what you do.”

  “So you’re tellin’ me if I bring a guy home to fuck you won’t care? You’ll just happily allow him passage?” she scoffs.

  “If you can find a guy that wants to fuck a twenty-nine week pregnant crazy chick with ankles the size of her thighs, by all means have at it.”

  “You are such a fucking asshole! Why can’t you just let this shit go?” Cassie screams in her shrill voice. Nails on a chalkboard!

  “You mean why can’t I let go of the fact that you’re blackmailing me with my child? Huh, I don’t know why Cassie. You tell me,” I snark.

  “This relationship will never work like this. You need to grow up.”

  “I’ll live my life and you live yours, that’s how this fake as fuck relationship works.”

  “What kind of an example will that be for our son?” She lays on the guilt. Little does she know MY son will never know her or her psychotic ways.

  “The only one you’ll be able to provide,” I say demonstratively.

  “You’ll change your mind. You’ll need sex and love eventually and I’ll be here waiting to provide it.” Crazy as ever.

  I pull the blankets up to my chin to keep any part of me away from her. I sleep under a different blanket from her. I also sleep in a long sleeve shirt and pajama pants. If I could find a chastity belt I’d wear that too. I can’t believe I ever put my dick in her. Eleven more weeks, I can do eleven more weeks.

  Shannon

  Ding, dong.

  I run to the door and find Nicky standing there with a huge smile on his lips. I jump and wrap my arms around his neck.

  “Jesus Christ, Shanny eat a doughnut would ya?” he says as he runs his hands over my protruding spine.

  I let go and push back from him.

  “Don’t start. Sully gave me a tongue lashing last night. I get it,” I warn.

  “I knew I liked these guys,” he says moving in our house. The guys were right this is a little weird.

  “No ski mask this time?” Kavy asks from the hallway. I know it’s not necessary to point out that Nicky has never been here nor was he one of the guys wearing a ski mask. Here we go.

  “Left it at the hotel,” Nicky replies without missing a beat. Kavy smirks and offers a nod. Male communication is so fascinating.

  I lead Nicky into the kitchen where Cally, Sully, Finn and Kavy are all piling their plates sky high with Gates Barbecue.

  “Got a bit of everything. Load up and we’ll talk,” I instruct Nicky. I pile a plate to the brim with brisket, fries, beans, coleslaw and bread. I’m shooting for a pound and a half a week of weight gain.

  “She always eat like that?” Nicky asks the group as we sit around the breakfast table.

  “Only since O’Sullivan called her gross last night,” Cally says with a dimpled smirk. Nicky chuckles.

  “She had the strangest motivation as a kid too. When we were playin’ that day I was tryin’ to convince her that she could fit through the dog door on her guest house. She kept refusin’ sayin’ she’d get stuck. Finally, I told her she probably couldn’t because she had a really fat head for a little girl. She plowed through that door and locked it so I couldn’t get in for fifteen minutes,” Nicky says with a smile.

  “Served you right.” I look around and my boys’ faces are softer. They see what Nicky brings me.

  “You know she played volleyball in college?” Sully asks Nicky. Nicky nods ripping pieces of meat from a rib. “Well there was an annual mud volleyball tournament that the frats did. Only men allowed. It was for charity so Kid wanted to play. Some guy told her that she could play if she could prove she could compete with men on the same level. Kid asked ‘Are you callin’ me a girl?’ The dude told her if she didn’t know she was a girl he could show her. Kid tackled him and held him to the ground until he admitted she was a man and he was a little girl.” The whole table is in fits of laughter. All of us remembering and Nicky hearing it for the first time.

  “Served him right,” I say looking around the table at happy smiling faces. This feels good.

  We continue to eat and tell stories, mostly about me. When we’re done eating we all clean up dinner together and then head into the great room to get down to business. After Finn and Kavy explain what we know Nicky gives us his insight.

  “I’ve dealt quite a bit with drug cartels through the years and this stinks of them. We need a man inside the operation. I have a guy that’s been working another mission that just finished; he’ll be perfect for this. Once we find out how they’re runnin’ the drugs we can send him into the operation to collect intel. Shouldn’t take more than a month for him to get what we need. It’d be different if we were tryin’ to take down the cartel, that’s a long process. Takin’ down traffickers is pretty simple. The thing you have to consider is the cartel will not take kindly to the Yateses bein’ arrested. My guess is they’ll be taken out so they can’t rat. I know your man hates this chick but she’ll very likely end up dead. You think he’s down for that?”

  “I don’t know. That’s pretty extreme don’t you think? You really think they’ll kill her and her father?” I ask shocked. I don’t know why I’m shocked, but I am.

  “I think we could try to put them in protective custody and that almost never works. The reason these cartels continue to run, is they leave no one behind to rat. These idiots climbed in bed with this cartel they knew the risks.”

  “Look I hate this bitch, but dying for takin’ Kel away from me seems a bit much. I don’t know that I could live with that,” I say honestly.

  “Could you live with Kellerman marryin’ her and havin’ his baby mixed up in cartel business?” Nicky asks pointedly. I blanch. “He’s workin’ for Yates. He could already be in danger. You need to leave emotion at the door and think safety right now. That wedding announcement went out in the news. You think the cartel didn’t see that?” FUCK! Okay now I’m pissed. She could have put Kel’s life at risk…the baby at risk.

  “Send your guy in. Try to keep Cassie and her father alive if you can. Can you get Kel clear of the cartel?” I ask hoping he can.

  “We can get Kellerman clear. In a company as big as Yates there’s always a way to cover tracks. We’ll draw any concern away from him. He hasn’t been there long enough to garner any attention. We’ll use him in the media as the duped fiancé,” Nicky explains in a confident tone.

  “You don’t think the cartel will come after the baby, do you?” I ask cautiously.

  “Nah, killin’ kids isn’t really their M.O.” I breathe a sigh of relief at that. I’m going to have the baby strapped to me 24/7 to keep it sa
fe.

  “Do you think green is gender neutral, Nicky,” I ask sweetly completely changing the subject. The guys in the room moan and throw their heads back in disgust.

  “What?” Nicky asks thrown by the reactions and change of subject.

  “Do you think green is gender neutral?” I repeat enunciating clearly.

  “Kellerman is havin’ a boy. Paint the fuckin’ room blue!” Kavy shouts. My eyes bug out of my head.

  “What do you mean he’s havin’ a boy?” I ask Kavy harshly.

  “I forgot to tell you. He said he was havin’ a boy when I texted him this mornin’.”

  “You forgot to tell me?”

  “Yeah.”

  “You forgot to tell me?”

  “That’s what I said.”

  “You forgot to tell me!!!” I scream and lunge at him. He easily catches me, but I land a good punch in the middle of his chest causing him to gasp. I wrap my legs around his waist and start to squeeze. He’s immediately tapping out, but I don’t let go.

  “Anything else you forgot Aaron Kavanagh?” I ask using as much pressure as I can manage.

  “No,” he breathes out in a whisper. I hold the pressure a moment longer then I let him go. He falls back on the couch heaving his lungs.

  “Fuckin’ shit Kid. You’re stronger than you used to be,” Kavy complains still catching his breath.

  “That was some show,” Nicky compliments me.

  “I’m always glad to entertain,” I say with a smirk.

  “Stay away from her legs if you know what’s good for you,” Cally warns Nicky.

  “Noted,” Nicky responds shooting me a look. Nicky and I have talked about me drowning that guy in the bathtub. I haven’t told anyone else. He told the feds he did it to protect me and it was swept under the rug (kind of scary the power secret three letter agencies have). The other members of Mancini’s team that lived through the ambush know I did it, but I doubt they’d be believed if they decided to tell. I still feel nothing about that incident. I feel no guilt, no remorse…just nothing. I’m sure that’s an indication that I’m pretty jacked up, but I’m not complaining. I don’t want to feel anything about that whole time in my life. I’m good like this.