Somewhere to Belong

by Judith Miller

  “Let’s make the general store our last stop. I know I’ll want to purchase some fabric to take to friends in Chicago, and I promised Louisa I would bring her one of those cookie cutters you mentioned. I hope to take her a rabbit-shaped one. Each Easter since Wilhelm and I have been married, she’s told me about how all of the Amana children love those rabbit cookies. Even Wilhelm agreed, and he seldom mentions his childhood.”

  “Really?” The comment surprised me. “Only our woolens and calicos are for sale, but if the tinsmith has extras, perhaps he will be kind enough to give you one.”

  “Oh, I do hope so. Louisa will be terribly disappointed if she doesn’t receive her cookie cutter.”

  At Larissa’s mention of my mother’s sister, my thoughts wandered back to the conversation Berta had overheard on our front porch. I would wait until after we visited the tinsmith, and then I’d ask Larissa about the baby. Perhaps the birth of a child had fueled Tante Louisa’s desire for the cookie cutter.

  Larissa watched the tinsmith at work, but mostly she looked at all the wares he had on display. Her eyes shone with delight when we stopped in front of a wooden box filled with cookie cutters— lambs, chickens, cows, horses, and rabbits were only a few of the many shapes. She lifted one of the rabbits from the box and held it in her palm. “I was hoping to take one of these to a relative,” she said to the tinsmith. “Is there any possibility . . . ?” The question hung in the air.

  Eyebrows raised, the tinsmith glanced in my direction. “This is for a member of your family, Johanna?”

  “Yes. My aunt who lives in Chicago.”

  He grinned. “Then I think we could spare one cookie cutter, ja?”

  “Thank you. My family is most grateful for your kindness.”

  A short time later as we exited the tinsmith’s shop, Larissa clasped my hand. “I had hoped to purchase several, but at least I have this one to take to Louisa. Let’s go to the general store so I can pick out some fabric. We can take my parcels to the hotel, eat our noonday meal, and then go see the lambs. I think that would be great fun.”

  I agreed. Besides, it would take a few minutes to walk to the store, and the time alone would provide an opportunity to ask my questions. But before I could formulate exactly how I wanted to broach the subject of Louisa and her baby, Larissa launched into talk of Chicago and her life with Wilhelm. “I would guess that Wilhelm has never told you how we met, has he?”

  “No. I know he visited a lot of places when he used to work as a salesman for our woolen and calico goods. Did he meet you in one of the stores where he sold our fabrics?”

  “That’s a good guess, but it’s not right. We met on a very cold day when I was ice-skating on the Chicago River with a large group of friends. I had left the ice and was headed toward a fire to warm myself when I tripped and literally fell into Wilhelm’s arms.” She giggled. “I’m not sure who was more embarrassed, Wilhelm or me, but I’m very glad that accident occurred. Otherwise, I doubt I would have ever met him.”

  Her story surprised me. Of course, that was many years ago.

  “Were you injured?”

  “Oh no, though if I’d fallen, I’m sure I would have suffered bruises and perhaps a broken bone. After the rest of my group finished skating, we invited Wilhelm to join us for hot chocolate at one of my friend’s homes. He agreed, and I can’t tell you how pleased I am that he did. Wilhelm is a fine husband.”

  “And a fine brother, as well.”

  Her smile faded. “I don’t think he considers himself a good brother. He laments the fact that he seldom sees you, and Pieter’s death continues to plague him.”

  Her comment surprised me, but I’d been so young when Pieter died that my memories of him were only stories I’d heard from my parents and Pieter’s friends. “Wilhelm can do nothing to change Pieter’s death, but he could visit Amana more often. I think it would help him.”

  “That’s exactly what I’ve told him, but he says his visits make him sad. He knows he disappointed your parents by leaving. Still, he says he’ll never return. I hope they don’t think I’ve convinced him to stay away, for I’d never do such a thing.” She swept her arms wide as though she could embrace the entire community. “I don’t believe I could live here, but I think Amana is charming, and I would love to visit more often.”

  We stepped inside the general store, and Larissa sauntered down one aisle and then another, stopping to examine items as she moved along. “I want to see all of the fabrics before I make my final choices.” She picked up several of the trims and laces and piled them into the crook of her arm.

  “Those aren’t made here,” I whispered. “They are sold to us by salesmen from Chicago.”

  She shrugged. “I like them, and who can say when I’d find exactly the same items back home.”

  “Then let me take them to the counter for you. Brother Kohler will keep them together until you’ve completed your shopping.” I gathered the items from her arm, and while she continued to examine the array of goods, I piled the lace and trims in front of Brother Kohler. “She hasn’t completed her shopping. There will be more items.”

  “I was pleased to see Wilhelm has come for a visit. We don’t see him often enough. And is this young lady a friend of the family?”

  “She’s Wilhelm’s wife.”

  I took a backward step, but before I could move any further, he leaned forward and rested his arms on the counter. “I don’t believe I was ever told that Wilhelm had taken a wife. When did he marry?”

  “I don’t recall the exact date, but this is their first visit to Amana.” I took another backward step and glanced toward Larissa. “If you’ll excuse me, I should see if she has any questions.” I hurried off before he could ply me with further questions. Brother Kohler did a fine job keeping the store shelves stocked, but he also managed to extricate information from every customer who shopped there. He prided himself on knowing everyone in the community, as well as every event that affected each of us. He was obviously flustered that Wilhelm’s marriage had gotten by him.

  I picked up one of the large hand-woven baskets the store provided for use by the customers and carried it with me. “This should help,” I said, approaching Larissa, who now held several jars in her arm. One by one I placed the containers in the basket.

  “I’ve chosen some fabrics, too.” She waved me forward. Holding the corner of two different fabrics, she said, “What do you think? Which would be better for a new dress?”

  I stared at the bold plaid cloth that we manufactured for outsiders. Never before had I considered such shades for a dress. “I’m accustomed to the dark calicos and woolens. You would know how to make a better choice. Maybe you should pick whichever color you don’t already have.” While she contemplated her choices, I rested the basket atop a pile of neatly folded blankets and daydreamed about what kind of life Larissa must have in Chicago.

  “I think that should be everything I want.”

  Her remark startled me back to the present. The basket brimmed with a variety of goods, and I knew Brother Kohler would be pleased. On the other hand I wondered if Wilhelm would be unhappy with his wife’s many purchases. I hoped his job paid him well.

  Brother Kohler’s eyes shone with delight as we approached with the overflowing basket. He picked up his pencil and pad, ready to begin his calculations. It would take him some time to enter and tally the items, and he’d likely ask questions if we remained at the counter.

  I hoisted the basket onto the counter and pointed to the lace. “Don’t forget to add in the lace and trims. We’re going over to the barns for a short time, and we’ll return to pay for the purchases in a little while.”

  “Won’t take me that long,” he said. I could read the disappointment in his eyes and was certain he’d been assembling a list of questions for Larissa.

  I flashed a smile in his direction. “We don’t want to be late for the noonday meal, and we need to stop by the hotel beforehand.” Giving him no opportunity to protest, I
strode quickly toward the door, Larissa following close on my heels.

  “Do you think Wilhelm will worry that you purchased too many items?” I hoped my brother wouldn’t hold me responsible.

  Larissa laughed. “No. He doesn’t worry over such things as a little shopping. Besides, I have money of my own.”

  Her announcement surprised me, since Berta had told me few married women worked. “Where do you work?”

  “Oh, I’m not employed. My grandfather was quite wealthy, and prior to his death he arranged a trust fund for me. I receive money from it several times a year. In truth, Wilhelm wouldn’t need to work, but he’s too proud to use any of my inheritance. He insists upon paying our monthly living expenses from his earnings. I think he’d be happy if I’d give the money to the poor.”

  “Do your parents live in Chicago?” Secretly I wondered why her grandfather hadn’t bequeathed the money to them instead of Larissa.

  “Part of the time. They travel a great deal. Currently they’re in Europe. Thanks to Wilhelm, they can travel at their leisure.”

  “Thanks to Wilhelm?” Wilhelm had always been vague when my parents inquired about his work in Chicago, and I assumed he continued to work as a salesman of some sort, probably in the textile industry. “He works for your father?”

  “My grandfather was a financier who invested in many profitable companies. My father inherited those holdings, and now Wil-helm has taken charge. Father says he is the most astute businessman he’s ever met—even more brilliant than my grandfather.”

  The news surprised me. I thought it strange that Wilhelm, who had been reared in a community where money was seldom needed for anything, would now be deeply involved in the business of finances and banking. Though I wanted to hear more about Wilhelm’s work, my attention wavered when I caught sight of Carl entering the barn with a woman at his side. My stomach tightened, and I shaded my eyes. It was impossible to see her face at this distance. Why would a woman be going into the barn with Carl? I silently chastised myself for questioning something that clearly wasn’t my business. After all, permission was granted to use a buggy or wagon when needed for important business or a family emergency. Still, it was odd to see a woman enter the barn for such a purpose.

  When we reached the door leading into the barn, I hesitated. “If you want to wait out here, I can go in and request the buggy.” I glanced at the hem of Larissa’s gown. “I wouldn’t want you to ruin your dress.”

  “Don’t be silly. I want to see inside so I have an idea where Wilhelm used to spend some of his childhood days.”

  I heard a woman’s soft laughter as we entered. I squinted, forcing my eyes to adjust to the dim light. Carl said something indistinguishable, and once again the woman laughed. Following the sound of their voices, I continued around the horse stalls but stopped in my tracks at the sight that greeted me.

  I gasped, took a backward step, and landed atop Larissa’s shoe.

  “Ouch! That’s my foot you’re standing on, Johanna.”

  Carl and the woman jumped apart and swirled in our direction. “Johanna!”

  The woman stared at me for a moment and then turned her head. I’d never before seen her. She wasn’t from our village, of that I was certain. Anger and disappointment collided as I attempted to maintain a calm demeanor.

  “I will need a buggy ready for use after we have eaten our noonday meal.” The strangled words were as much as I could manage before turning on my heel and motioning Larissa outside.

  “That was rather embarrassing,” Larissa said. “Still, it’s refreshing to know that love finds a way, even in Amana.”

  “Refreshing, indeed.” And I had thought the rest of the day was going to be pleasant.

  CHAPTER 21

  During our return to the general store, I remained in a haze, unable to comprehend the entirety of what I’d observed in the barn. While Larissa chattered aimlessly about young people in love, I attempted to push aside feelings of anger and betrayal. If Carl and that girl in the barn were an example of young love, I wasn’t certain what that said about his talk of a future with me and truthfulness between a man and woman who planned to marry. Of course, I hadn’t committed to Carl, but he’d been clear that he cared for me—at least I thought he had. I was thankful I’d not mentioned Carl to Larissa earlier. My humiliation would have been complete.

  Since we’d spent little time in the barn, Larissa and I arrived at the Küche a short time before the noonday meal was due to be served. We circled around so we could sit and wait on the back porch without disturbing the meal preparations. We hadn’t been there long when Berta scurried out the door and motioned me toward the shed.

  “Please excuse us for a moment, Mrs. Ilg. I have a matter I need to discuss privately with Johanna.”

  “Yes, of course,” Larissa said.

  I nearly laughed aloud at Berta’s perfect manners. She obviously knew how to act the perfect lady when she wanted to impress. I pushed to my feet and excused myself before following Berta. She wheeled toward me. “Did you see her?”

  “See who?” I’d been working through a haze for the past thirty minutes, and now Berta wanted to play games.

  The sparkle disappeared from her eyes. “You don’t need to snap at me.”

  “I’m sorry, Berta. It’s been a difficult morning. Who was I supposed to see?”

  “Karin—the woman from High—Carl’s friend. She’s here.

  Rudolf told me. He met her when he stopped to get the wagon and take it to the dairy barn before his deliveries.”

  My stomach tightened into a knot, and my hands quivered. He’d told me his feelings for Karin were brotherly, but his actions belied his words. “Why is she here? Did Rudolf tell you?” I clasped my hands together to keep them from shaking. I tried to understand these feelings that were boiling like a bubbling pot of water. Shouldn’t I be pleased to know Carl wasn’t what he’d pretended before I’d pledged my love? My head said yes, but the pain in my heart told me I already cared.

  “Rudolf said she arrived with her father and that he went to the calico mill to help repair something.”

  Berta’s explanation made sense. Occasionally men from another village would come to assist when there was difficulty repairing a machine. I guessed that her father’s help had been requested and that Karin had convinced him to bring her along. Yet why would she come here if Carl had been clear with her? And why were they locked in an embrace? In spite of the warm day, I shivered at the remembrance. I hoped that Karin and her father would eat lunch in another Küche.

  “Berta!” Both of us turned toward the back porch. Obviously annoyed, Sister Muhlbach swiped her hands on her apron and motioned Berta to come. “I need you in the kitchen.”

  I pushed Berta forward. “Go on. You’ll get in trouble on my account, and I don’t want that to happen.” I called an apology to Sister Muhlbach and relaxed when the older woman’s features softened with a smile. Returning to the back porch, I attempted to digest Berta’s news, but my mind jumped from one thought to another.

  “I like your friend Berta,” Larissa said as I took a seat.

  Her comment yanked me from my jumbled thoughts. “Yes. She’s a nice girl.” I was thankful to hear the bell toll in the distance. Conversation had become difficult since our visit to the barn, and the thought of returning for the buggy made matters all the worse. How could I possibly look at Carl? And what would he say?

  I stood. “We should go around and enter the dining room from the front with the others.” Silently I prayed Karin wouldn’t be anywhere in sight. As we rounded the corner of the house, I scanned the crowd and released a relieved breath. No strangers were visible, nor was Carl. Perhaps he’d gained permission to join them at another Küche. I hoped so, for I didn’t want to see him, either.

  As we entered the dining room, I saw my mother waiting at her table. She smiled and waved us forward. “You had a pleasant time this morning?”

  “Yes. I’ve enjoyed myself very much,” Lar
issa said.

  Mother nudged my arm. “Where did you go?”

  I hastily listed the shops we had visited.

  “I found some lovely gifts to take home. Louisa asked that I bring her one of the rabbit cookie cutters. The tinsmith was especially kind and gave me one to take to her. She’s going to be very pleased.”

  At the mention of Tante Louisa, my Mutter’s smile disappeared. “I’m surprised she talks about Amana. What else has she told you?”

  “Not much. She said she has fond memories of her life in Amana, especially the holidays.” Larissa glanced at me. “Don’t forget to tell your mother that we stopped at the livery barn. We’re going to go see the lambs this afternoon.”

  My mother brightened. “So you met Carl? A nice young man, don’t you think? He’s asked to court Johanna.”

  There wasn’t time for Larissa to respond before we bowed our heads to pray, but she clutched my hand and squeezed until the final amen. “You didn’t tell me,” she hissed in my ear.

  “He’s a fine young man and nice looking, too, don’t you think?”

  My mother spooned a helping of cottage cheese onto her plate.

  Once again Larissa clamped on to my hand. “He was quite busy, so I didn’t meet him,” Larissa replied.

  “We can have this conversation another time,” I whispered to my mother. “We don’t want to break the rules just because we have a guest.”

  My mother didn’t appear pleased by my suggestion, but at least I’d silenced any further mention of Carl.

  “We’ll talk later,” my mother said when we parted outside the dining room. “Give my regards to Carl. And introduce Larissa.”

  I didn’t intend to do either of those things, but I didn’t say so. Instead, I smiled and bid her farewell. “Come on, Larissa. We’ll see if the buggy is ready.” I hoped Carl had left it outside, and I wouldn’t have to see him.

  “Now that your mother is gone, are you going to tell me about Carl?” Her wispy fringe of bangs fluttered in the light afternoon breeze.