Somewhere to Belong

by Judith Miller

  My mother had sounded confident I would be well received, but when I slipped into bed I wasn’t so sure. Maybe the elders wouldn’t let me speak. Even worse, what if they gave me permission and I made a fool of myself? Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea. I rolled to my side and whispered a prayer that God would show me what to do. I didn’t have much faith in the prayer. Why should God take time with the likes of me when there were lots of good people who needed His help?

  I awakened well before dawn, dressed in the plain calico, made my way down the front steps, and hurried off toward the Küche. I don’t know who was more surprised to see me, Sister Muhlbach or Lydia, for my presence rendered them speechless.

  “I’ve come to apologize to both of you for my irresponsible behavior.” Though the sleeve of her dress covered the burn, my gaze settled on Lydia’s broken arm. “I hope you haven’t suffered terribly, Lydia, and I’m sorry I didn’t come to see you before I ran off. I just didn’t have the courage. I don’t deserve your forgiveness, but I want you to know that I am very sorry.”

  I gulped when she stepped forward and embraced me. “It isn’t all your fault, Berta. I know the rules even better than you. I shouldn’t have encouraged you. We both disobeyed. You could have been injured, too.” She turned back the sleeve of her dress. “The burns are healing, and I don’t care what the doctor says. I’m going to work with this arm until I can use it just as well as before I fell down.” My apology to Sister Muhlbach wasn’t as well received.

  “I am pleased to see you are in good health, Berta, but before I will agree to have you work in my Küche, I need more than words. You have apologized in the past. This time I will need to know you are willing to change.” She measured out flour for the Sunday morning coffee cakes while she continued to talk. “I’m sure Sister Rosina could use more help in the garden.”

  “I don’t expect you to want me back in the kitchen, Sister Muhlbach. I didn’t come for that. I came to apologize to you and Lydia before I go before the elders and ask for permission to speak at meeting tomorrow. I want to ask forgiveness. I have caused you and Lydia the most harm, so I wanted to speak to you alone.” I hesitated a moment. “And Mr. Barton. I do wish you hadn’t discharged him.”

  She poured the bowl of cracked eggs into the flour mixture and added milk. “Mr. Barton is a grown man. He knew the rules, and I gave him more than one chance.” She stirred the mixture with vigor. “Besides, we both know he was lazy. Now go and help Lydia set the table for breakfast.”

  I hid in the kitchen while breakfast was served. I couldn’t force myself to sit at one of the women’s tables.

  When the meal was over, my father found me. “I told Brother Frank that you wish to speak to the elders this evening. He said he would arrange the meeting.”

  I didn’t know whether to feel relieved or frightened. While I knew this was the right thing to do, standing before the elders would be fearsome.

  That evening when my father tapped on my door, I nearly jumped out of my skin. “It’s time, Berta.” The elders had decided we would meet prior to prayer service. I would have fifteen minutes to say my piece.

  Arriving at the meetinghouse, my father squeezed my hand and told me I should speak from my heart. “Tell the truth and remain calm.”

  I stared at him in disbelief. “You’re going in with me, aren’t you?”

  He shook his head. “No. They want to speak to you alone.” I wanted to turn tail and run, but my father nudged me forward. “Go on. You’ll do fine.”

  The ten elders sat at a long wooden table facing the door. They turned in unison when I entered. Ten men with well-trimmed beards, clad in dark vests and white shirts, watched my every step as I approached. I waited, trembling. Brother Ilg broke the silence and said I could speak.

  My first attempt proved futile. My mouth was so dry I could only manage a croak. I uttered a silent prayer for help. Feet shuffled beneath the table while they waited for me to gain my voice. “I’ve come to ask to speak before the congregation tomorrow.” My voice cracked and I swallowed. “I want to apologize for my behavior and ask forgiveness. I have fought against the rules and been a bad influence upon others. I am truly sorry for my misconduct.”

  Silence.

  The men seated at the ends of the table leaned forward and stared at those seated near the center of the group. There were murmurs, but I couldn’t make out what they were saying. Finally Brother Ilg nodded toward the door. “It is better that you wait outside while we finish our talk.”

  My father was leaning against the brick building when I exited.

  He pushed himself upright and smiled. “How did it go?”

  I shrugged. “I don’t think they’re going to agree. I’m supposed to wait until they decide.”

  Five minutes later I was summoned inside. “We have agreed you may take your place before the church members and speak tomorrow morning. This is permitted so that you can ask the congregation for forgiveness. Do not disappoint us by doing anything to make us regret our decision.”

  One or two of the men frowned at me, obviously unhappy with the decision. I offered my thanks and fled from the room. Though I should have been relieved to hear I’d be permitted to speak, fear washed over me like a spring freshet. Tomorrow would be even more difficult.

  My mother sat beside me and held my hand. If I returned to live here, I’d remain in children’s church. My parents had moved up, but I’d never made it out of the lowest level. Yet today I would ask the forgiveness of all—from those in children’s church to the members of the Bruderrat.

  It was impossible to concentrate on the beautiful harmony of song or the reading of Scripture, but when Brother Ilg called me forward, a surprising sense of calm swept over me. I took my place in front of the church, and words flowed from my lips. When I finished, I returned to my seat, unable to recall a single word I’d uttered.

  “That was absolutely perfect,” my mother whispered.

  My heart pounded within my chest. I knew that God had answered my prayer. He’d given me the words that would calm the turmoil I’d created in this community of loving people. Silently I thanked Him and then whispered one more prayer: Please show me where I belong.

  CHAPTER 31

  Johanna Ilg

  When Berta requested forgiveness of the church members during Sunday morning meeting, my stomach flip-flopped, and I had to wipe my damp palms with a handkerchief several times. Her words were sweet and kind, a gentle plea for mercy. I was proud of her strength and courage, and I told her so when we left the meetinghouse.

  “Thank you, Johanna.” She bowed her head and grasped my arm. We strolled along the board sidewalk, remaining a short distance behind the other women. “Tell me more about what you thought of the school.” We’d only had a few moments alone together the previous evening. “Do you think it’s a place you would like to attend, or would you prefer to live here?”

  “I’m not sure. I asked God to show me. I hope I get an answer.” Her face glowed as she leaned her head close. “I asked God to help me when I went before the church today, and He answered my prayer. I thought I would faint when I got up there, but it was as if God held me up and said the words for me. Isn’t that amazing? Who would think that God would take time for Berta Schumacher!”

  “We’re all important to God, Berta. I’m pleased you now realize that He loves you.”

  Berta released her hold on my arm and shifted her Psalter-Spiel and Bible. “Since you mentioned love, has anything happened between you and Carl?” She giggled, a mischievous glint sparkling in her eyes.

  A smile twitched in my cheek. “Some things never change with you, Berta. You think you must always know what’s going on, don’t you?”

  “If I don’t give you a little shove, you and Carl may never resolve your differences.”

  The sun shone clear and bright, and a slight breeze rippled the hem of my skirt as we continued toward home. We planned to leave our hymnbooks and Bibles before going to the Küche f
or the noon meal. It would seem strange for Berta and me—eating at the women’s table instead of helping to cook and serve the meal.

  “You will be pleased to know that Carl and I are going to the river this afternoon so that we can talk. Wilhelm has agreed to go with us. He wants to try his hand at fishing and will act as our chaperone.”

  Berta pulled me aside as we neared the house. “You’re going to marry him, aren’t you?”

  “I haven’t made up my mind, but like you, I’ve asked God to guide me in my decision. Making a choice to marry isn’t like deciding to go on a picnic. I want to make sure marriage is the right thing for me and that Carl is the right man.”

  Berta glanced toward her mother and father, who were standing at the front of the house. “I wonder if you can ever be certain. Sometimes I think you have to just jump into the water.”

  Laughing, I shook my head. “Well, I think we’ll fish this afternoon and save the jumping for another time.”

  Though I tried to relax, my shoulders were as tight as the metal hoops on a cooper’s barrel when I greeted Carl on the front porch. My gaze traveled from his boots up to his clear blue eyes. One look into his eyes and heat climbed up my neck and warmed my cheeks with an intensity that surprised me. I was certain my complexion had turned bright pink. The thought embarrassed me, and I turned to avert Carl’s intense scrutiny.

  “I am very pleased you agreed to spend time with me this afternoon, Johanna. I am eager to talk about our future.” He looked over my head toward the door. “Your brother is going to join us?”

  “Yes. I’ll tell him we’re ready.” I rushed inside and inhaled two deep breaths before entering our apartment, hoping to calm my nerves. “Carl is here, Wilhelm,” I said. “Are you ready to go?”

  My brother jumped to his feet. “I’m ready to catch some fish.” He kissed my mother on the cheek and gave my father a mock salute. “I haven’t been fishing for a long time, but you can believe I’ll put the two of them to shame and finish the day with the biggest fish.”

  “ ‘Pride goeth before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a fall.’ Proverbs 16:18,” our father said with a laugh. He waved us toward the door. “Go and have fun.”

  Mother stepped to my side and handed me an old quilt. “You’ll need something to sit on while you and Carl talk.” She leaned a little closer. “Carl is a good man. Give him a chance, Johanna.”

  “I am seeking God’s will, Mutter. We’ll see what answer I receive.”

  “Then your Vater and I will be praying.”

  There was no doubt in my mind that the minute I walked out the door, the two of them would begin to pray. And they’d probably remain in prayer until our return. The thought made me smile. Mother knew what she wanted, so I knew how she’d be praying. And the same could be said for my father. Everyone seemed to know what I should do. Everyone but me.

  I was pleased to have Wilhelm with us. He and Carl talked about the work at the barns, and Carl asked questions about Wilhelm’s life in Chicago. I didn’t have to contribute to the conversation, and for that I was grateful. However, soon after we arrived at the river, everything changed.

  Wilhelm removed the fishing poles and bait from the buggy. “While the two of you talk, I’m going to go downriver a ways.” He lifted the poles to shoulder height. “No sense leaving any of these for you two. I’ll put all three of them in the water.”

  “I think that’s cheating. You’re certain to catch the most fish that way.”

  He turned on his heel, and I could hear him laughing as he walked along the river’s edge.

  I turned to Carl. “You better stop him or you won’t have a chance with the fish.”

  “I’m not worried about the fish, Johanna. It’s a chance to win your heart that concerns me.” He reached forward and clasped my hand.

  A spiraling tremor raced up my arm, and I withdrew my hand.

  “We shouldn’t be holding hands, Carl.”

  “I’m sorry. You’re right. But you act like a bird ready to take flight. I’m afraid you’re going to fly away before I have a chance to tell you what’s in my heart.”

  The letter he’d sent had said that he wanted to more fully apologize in person and to speak of his feelings for me. My heart fluttered at the remembrance of his words. “I promise I will listen to everything you wish to say, Carl. Why don’t we sit over there?” Near a towering cottonwood, I spread the quilt and bid him sit down beside me. “I’m ready,” I said, giving him my full attention.

  While he repeated the details of what had occurred on the day I’d seen him with Karin, I carefully listened for any departure from what he’d written to me. I detected nothing amiss in his explanation.

  “I am willing to answer any questions you have, Johanna. I give you my word that my answers will be honest and from my heart.”

  His offer took me by surprise, but I seized the opportunity. “If Karin lived in this village, would it cause you pain to see her with another man?”

  “No, it would not. The feelings that I have for Karin come from years of friendship. But I do not love her, Johanna—not in the way that I love you.”

  How easily he said that he loved me. “How do you know you love me, Carl?”

  “Because I can’t bear the thought of living without you, because seeing your smile makes me happy, because the touch of your hand warms my heart, because you are everything I have always prayed for in a wife.” He grinned. “I can go on and on if you’d like. There are so many reasons I love you, Johanna. You are a good daughter, you are obedient to the Lord, you serve others with a willing heart—”

  “That’s enough.” His praise was embarrassing me.

  He chuckled. “And because you are humble.” When I didn’t immediately respond, he frowned. “Please tell me that you do not plan to leave Amana.”

  “No. Amana is where I belong, Carl.”

  Relief shone in his eyes. “And do you belong with me, as well?” He cupped my chin with his palm and looked deep into my eyes. “I love you, Johanna. I give you my word that I would never intentionally do anything to hurt or embarrass you. If you agree to marry me, I promise that I will happily honor my marriage vows and proudly call you my wife.” I tried to turn away from his steady gaze, but he held my chin. “Look into my eyes and see the truth of what I’m telling you, my love.”

  My love. The words resonated deep in my soul, and I knew this was the man God intended for me. “Yes,” I whispered.

  “Yes, you will marry me?”

  I nodded. “Yes, I will marry you.”

  He let out a whoop and jumped to his feet. “We need to go speak to your parents and then see if I can meet with the elders this evening. I don’t want to wait any longer than necessary.” His smile warmed me like the bright summer sunshine, and I took delight in his childlike enthusiasm.

  Upon reflection, I couldn’t decide who had been more enthusiastic: Wilhelm flaunting his string of fish or Carl announcing I’d agreed to marry him. My parents’ delight had been expected, and my father gave his immediate blessing. Soon after Carl and my father left the house to meet with the elders, I went upstairs to speak with Berta.

  She’d never forgive me if she wasn’t one of the first to know I’d accepted Carl’s proposal. Dr. Schumacher answered my knock at the door. “Come in, come in! Berta is in her room. Let me—”

  Before he could complete the sentence, Berta flung open the door to her bedroom. Her eyes were bright with anticipation. “You’re back.” She grasped my hand and tugged me toward her room. “Come in and we’ll talk. I have much to tell you, too.”

  Only a few hours had passed, and I wondered what could have happened during my absence, but I was anxious to tell her my news first. “I have accepted Carl’s proposal. You’re the first person I’ve told, other than my family.”

  Berta’s eyes shone with delight. “So you jumped into the water after all. I knew you would. Now what happens?”

  “Vater and Carl have gone to meet with
the elders to ask permission.”

  “They won’t object, will they?”

  “No. There’s no reason they would oppose the marriage. The only question will be if we must wait the full year before we take our vows. I think Carl plans to argue against waiting so long, but I doubt he’ll meet with success. I told him he shouldn’t argue too much, or they’ll send him to another village during the waiting period.”

  Berta clasped her hand to her chest. “They wouldn’t! Your father needs him.”

  I shrugged. “Who can say? The elders could argue that Father got along without Carl’s help before he arrived.”

  “Oh no! That would be terrible.” Berta fell across the bed. The girl’s flair for the dramatic didn’t disappoint. “So you don’t know when you will wed? We can’t even begin to plan. Before Wilhelm leaves, you must tell him to have Larissa send you pictures of the latest wedding gowns that appear in Godey’s.” My laughter disarmed her. “Why are you laughing? It takes a great deal of time to plan a wedding.”

  I ceased laughing and clasped her hand. “I won’t be wearing a wedding gown like the ones they show in Godey’s. We don’t wear white dresses when we get married. White is for burials, not weddings.”

  Berta’s enthusiasm faded. “I’d forgotten. How very disappointing.”

  “The wedding won’t be disappointing at all—just different from what you’re accustomed to. And if you’re here, you can help Sister Muhlbach prepare the cakes and cookies to serve after the wedding.”

  “Even if I wasn’t living here, I would return for your wedding— that’s what I wanted to tell you.”

  I plopped down beside her on the bed. “What?”

  “I’ve decided I’m not going to rush God to give me an answer.”

  Her answer made me smile. “That’s good, Berta, because I don’t think God is easily pushed—even by you.”

  She ignored my teasing remark. “I figure I have to live either here or in Iowa City while I’m waiting for God’s answer. So I’m going to remain in Amana until I know for sure what I’m supposed to do. Besides, I think maybe I got a little bit of an answer already.”